Residential Options, Advice Needed!

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Wow. Didn't I have a post somewhere about "magic words" for services? That definitely needs to be added!

From what I'm gathering, and I'm doing a bit of googling myself, it's like advocacy but broader in scope: http://www.iecaonline.com/

What about sending him to a regular boarding school instead of special treatment center?
It seems that he is better able to regulate himself away from home.
I have heard of other kids with similar pattern.

Going off an a totally different tangent ... if it is true that your son "behaves better" at school (at least in regard to violence), that shows that he can behave better - it's within his power to do so.

You might seek a totally behaviorist approach to your handling of your son at home, with strict guidelines about ok and not ok, and strict and consistent consequences. Triggers for your son's outbursts can be examined and eliminated from the situation. You'll need a behaviorally trained family or child therapist for this.

It saves you the cost and your son the trauma of sending him away, but it requires a lot of hard work on your part. Just a thought - sort of an intermediate step before resorting to a residential placement.

Point taken, but that just means you have to structure the day differently - with jumprope sessions interspersed among quiet low-sensory activities and places.

It isn't uncommon for kids on the spectrum (and probably kids with all kinds of other issues that express themselves in negative behaviors) to "hold it in" for the outside world, and then be totally unable to do so when they get home. This does not mean that "holding it in" is a good behavior management system, as YippySkippy points out. My son's first therapist used to say that you can hold a beach ball under water, but the minute you let it go, it's like an explosion.

Many children on the spectrum have multiple issues driving their behavior, and parents and caregivers need to do the detective work for each separate issue and figure out what supports are needed. Breaks may be important, but they aren't the answer in and of themselves.

For example, when my son was first diagnosed and in a therapy group, they were doing a "coding" exercise, where the kids were given phrases like "nobody likes me," "I did a great job," "Don't put that there!" "Wow, I never saw that before!" and asked to code them as angry, happy, sad and surprised. My son identified the happy phrase correctly, and coded all the other phrases as angry.

The therapist, who knew we were struggling with violence issues, pulled me aside and explained: if he's coding every feeling as either happy or angry, that would explain some of his behavioral responses. We worked very, very hard on helping my son learn to express fear and sadness, along with expressing degrees of feeling (e.g. irritated, annoyed, aggravated, bothered, mad, angry, furious, irate.) Once he finally had a framework for his feelings - both for expressing them and understanding them - he began to make strides towards managing his behavior.

Of course, that was not the only thing we had to figure out. We had his language tested, and found out that, while he was so gifted at "scripting" that he could copy his peers' phrasing and tone so perfectly that everyone assumed he knew what he was saying, he had a glaring deficit in pragmatic speech.

This meant that he basically was using language the way a foreigner uses a phrasebook: he had no actual understanding of what the phrases meant in either direction, just that when you plug in phrase A, you get expected response B. Language doesn't work that way, so he was constantly frustrated: he was being misunderstood and misunderstanding about 40% of the time, even though all the words were right. Speech therapy and understanding this deficit ALSO had a positive impact on his behavior.

Applying behavioral treatment without managing these two issues was futile. We tried everything, and were in and out of professional offices from the time my son first showed symptoms at 3. It wasn't until we went to a Pediatric Developmental Center that we got appropriate supports. There's a lot more, but there are lots of threads dedicated to these issues that go into much more detail. Checking the posts stickied at the top of the page will direct you to them.

I can also understand, having been there, how a residential program might be something one needs to explore with a child who is violent and puts other family members; physical safety at risk. I assume that anyone who arrives at that point is not making the decision lightly and has tried everything, and found no other options to keep their family safe.

I hope that the chosen program has the tools I described above to help the child learn to manage his own behavior and grow into a functioning, independent adult.

Excellent contribution, momsparky.

Once again, thanks all for taking the time to respond. Some really helpful information and ideas. It heartens me greatly to know there are others willing to devote their own time to help out.

To clarify some of the behaviors at issue:
Touched 2 or more girls breasts (not too aggressively from what I understand)
Talked to girls and boys, some of whom he had never met before, about sex in very explicit terms
Talks to people of all ages he does not know about politics and the evils of our society (I caught him arguing with an adult in a public place, she was yelling at him and upset by what he was saying)
Steals things from home and possible stores
Breaks into off limits rooms in house to access computers etc.
Broke into neighbors house to vandalize it
Interrupted teacher trying to give instructions, saying they had no right to tell them what to do
Hit, bit, kicked, punched everyone in household at one time or another

I apologize for not giving a fuller picture of the situation and causing confusion due to seemingly contradictory descriptions. To be clear, my duplicity comes from my own conflict about how I see my son. 95% of the time he is a pleasant and gregarious person, and a joy to be around, (at least for me, his siblings may have a different take). He is quite intelligent and has a deep and well versed knowledge of things he is interested in. When he is triggered it can be a much different story. We know his triggers well, and do all we can to avoid them. As a family we have been getting more skilled at managing this. But this constant vigilance takes a daily toll on us and sometimes simple misunderstandings blow up into a fracas, especially if I am not around to regulate. We have all been to many family therapy sessions to help moderate things, and everyone knows a lot more about ASD behaviors, difficulties, and treatment than most of the professional aides he has worked with.

We have not come to this decision easily, and I am not unwilling to consider other options. I have spent years, and tens of thousands on therapists (ABA, CBT, DBT, etc, I know there a bunch of other acronyms we haven't tried yet), advocates, lawyers, educational therapists, and tutors. I spent a year getting him into one of the most highly regarded 2E schools in the country and he was unable to meet the minimum standard of behavior. I also know from experience that none of these experts are likely to have all of the answers and be able to just 'fix' him. To that end I have made significant efforts to educate and re-educate myself on the subject as much as any layperson can. I also spend a lot of time with him. I spend upwards of an hour or more a day talking about the subjects he is interested in and trying to explore his feelings and motivations, as well as try to help him understand himself and how to navigate the complexities of human interaction.

His biggest issue is the rigidity of his thinking. He has a very black and white view of the world and sees it as a bleak and dangerous place. He sees any aspects of hierarchical social structures as examples of oppression and servitude. He even sees parenting as an unjustified oppressive force. He quotes a myriad of political philosophers at length to support his view, and he is not alone in his thinking as the internet holds an army of similarly disaffected aspies. And if you are wondering, yes, I have gone to significant lengths to keep an eye on his online activities, and limit them significantly, (the cause of many a conflict).

At this point we have exhausted all of the local options for day school placement. I believe his best hope is to be placed in a high quality residential school that can offer intensive emotional and educational support. He has significant intellectual abilities that are being thwarted by his behavioral issues. His rigidity of thought on authority and desire for an unrealistic Utopian environment, as well as executive function problems, need to be addressed intensively. He has had regular therapy 1-3 times a week for years with little success. ABA and other behavioral methods have not worked as he is very astute and vigilant about being manipulated, (at 9 he said when they offered him a sticker for a completed task, he said "what am I, a Pavlov dog?"

At least from my reading of the literature on several of the sites from the schools I have mentioned there seems to be hope that he could be helped in such a placement. I am looking for places that offer progressive disciplinary policies, intensive therapeutic intervention, (3-5 days a week), an administration and staff that is well versed in aspie issues, and reasonably good academic support. I have heard anecdotal reports from a number of people that this kind of intensive experience can really help them to wake up to the realities of living in NT society. I believe he has the core personality traits of empathy and desire for human connection that, if nurtured, can bring him to operate on a higher level.

I have an advocate who provided me with some of the institutions I mentioned previously, but she does not have much firsthand knowledge of these places. That was my primary reason for posting here. I am exploring the possibility of using an educational consultant that was so kindly suggested here (thanks Fitzi ). Hopefully one of them can help.

I love my son very much and there is very little I would not do to help him find his way.

I look forward to any insights any of you may have.

Thanks!

Please let us know how this works out. I was also wondering, have you given any thought to home schooling through an online program? Of course that does not address his in-family behaviors, unless possibly by having less "social pressures" put on him, he might not need to act out so much.

I have actually home schooled in the past. It worked to some degree but is not feasible now as neither my spouse or I can stay home. It also does not really address some of the more serious behavioral issues.

Thanks for the input.