My dad called me a "sl*t".

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Your father is a raging idiot (I don't want to insult somebody's father--but facts are facts).

Brain damage or no brain damage, those words should never come out of a father's mouth to her daughter.

Yep....you should definitely get a bank account with a debit card, so you don't have to deal with your dad in business situations.

What sort of credit history do you have? If you credit is decent, you could apply for, and get a credit card and only use it when necessary. Credit cards are almost always necessary to rent a car. Some rental car companies take debit card--but they take about $500 from the debit card as collateral! (they do return it, though).

It's quite a stretch to say nobody deserves to be called this or that by their parents. Maybe the OP doesn't, but you only earn the right to be respected by them when you're completely independent from them, period. Whatever crap they throw your way before is part of the tests life demands that you pass to prove you're worthy of living. The strong make it through; the weak are weeded out. It's always been this way and it'll always be. I don't even think it's fair to call it abuse.

This is an awful thing to say. By that logic, no child is ever abused by their parents, because they haven't earned the right to respect because they're not independent yet. You've defined parental abuse such that it can only be done to those who are the least adversely affected by it.

No dad should call his daughter a slut.....ever!

He's no dad if he does. He's just some jerk out in the street.

All I can say to this pile of garbage comment is thank god you are not a parent. No parent has the right to emotionally/verbally abuse their child, ever. No one has to "earn" the right not be abused. This comment is sickening.

No, that's not normal. If my own father ever called me any derogatory name my heart would stop, and he may as well have just smacked me in the face. That would have hurt less.

You really can't choose who you're born to. It's not like you can say, "Mother, father, may I please have your kind permission to be born? What's that? I'll give you all kinds of problems and you won't love me unconditionally? Okay I'll just disappear, then." I'm sorry.

my own dad called me some pretty cutting things, he was perfectly sane at that time. that tells me that "sanity" is not all that it is made out to be. I guess the OP has to figure out for herself how to finesse the line between cutting her mentally ill parent some slack versus keeping a wide berth.

It doesn't sound like the guy has the "father instinct."

What sort of man would call his daughter a slut? A man who is not fit to be a dad to a girl.

Does your dad have any redeeming qualities?

Since I’m male, I can’t really be called a slut, but my father has repeatedly called a slut the one young woman I once, more or less accidentally, got to know on the Internet, fell in love with and was really excited when I thought I was going to meet in real life. He’s well aware how extremely hurtful his insult is to me and to this day refuses to call her any other way if she’s ever brought up in conversation. Guess what? I really would like to be able not to tolerate it. Throughout history, honorable men have fought duels for much less and died to prove they were honorable. But I didn’t have the balls to defy death by leaving my parents’ home when I was very far from ready to survive in the outside world, so I have no moral right to demand that my parents respect my feelings. Since I stayed at their home and fed, watered and clad by them, I must accept I’m an absolutely dishonorable and cowardly piece of human crap. And, if my parents were actually bad people, they’d have just kicked me out and let me die through my own lack of resources to survive, so they can’t be blamed for anything at all. Unless, of course, you think kicking out someone like me and letting him die would actually have been a good deed, which I can’t argue with.

You always owe your life to your parents, so, no matter how much you may suffer while you depend on them, you have to be grateful because it could always be worse. Any inherent right you may think you have is an artificial construct and part of the government’s attempts to steal children from their parents à la Ingsoc.

A good and decent man, who is a knight, and worthy of being called "Sir," should never take advantage of the "obligations" his children have to him.

He must always be there for them. He must set a lofty example. He must earn the right to be called "dad."

Calling his daughter a slut entitles him to be called "dirtbag."

QFT


The only obligations children have towards their parents are those earned through good parenting. The parent is the one who decides to bring their kids into existence and has a duty to care for them and treat them with dignity. I for one am glad for the stricter child abuse laws around these parts, as it seems too many people still think they own their children to do with as they please, not to mention those who actively enable and justify abuse.

To the OP: no, it's not normal or acceptable behaviour. You should seriously consider taking steps towards independence. Not having to depend on him might improve the relationship in the future or at least give you a realistic idea if a mutually respectful relationship is possible. May I ask where does your mother stand in all this?

I think there are many abusive parents who have a poor sense of boundaries with their children and see their children as somehow part of themselves rather than wholly separate individuals.

This means that they behave well when dealing with people "outside" but become really irrational and abusive when dealing with family--these relationships mirror their harsh inner lives of abusive self talk and negative emotion.

I believe such boundary issues and extreme negative emotions can lead to really intense psychological abuse and sometimes physical violence.

It seems interesting to me that he used sex-related terms of abuse in his tirade. This suggests to me that he is rationally comfortable with your making arrangements to spend time at a hotel with your boyfriend, but also has some deep anxiety or anger about your engaging in sexual activity and these emotions are part of what fueled his nasty outburst.

It's not normal and not acceptable and he needs professional help to better understand himself and manage his feelings and interactions with his family.

You should not take any of this to heart. These are his psychological problems and mean nothing about you.

Competely unacceptable and totally out of line.

Yeah you're dad went over the line there. In truth it wasn't even that big a deal and if he didn't think they weren't going to get his money back he could have called them and try to get the money back himself.

Growing up, I was subject to such horrific verbal, emotional and even physical abuse from my own parents that nothing surprises me anymore. This piece about him being "sweet", "caring" and "cheerful" to outsiders or when around other people, but being an abusive SOB when at home, struck a nerve with me because that's exactly how my own father was. It was all an act so that no one would ever believe me if I did ever talk about the horrific abuse I was experiencing from him at home. If he is careful to be very "sweet" to you when around other people, or if he comes across as a "nice guy" to other people, then it is not his stroke but his assholery at work here. He probably has always been an abusive parent to you and the stroke is just a convenient excuse to further rationalize his awful behavior. My father was not an alcoholic or a druggie, but he is mentally ill and his abuse is a reflection of his own poor self-esteem, anger management issues, and lack of appropriate coping skills. I am hazarding a guess that that is also the case with your father. However, no matter what his problems are, they are his problems. Not yours.

I don't understand why at 25 you don't have a credit card or a home of your own. If you have poor credit, you can still get a debit card. But first things first - move out and cut him off. That's what I did. Sustained abuse changes your own neurochemistry, and could lead to chronic depression. From a psychological perspective, horrific parental abuse will cause you to normalize inappropriate behaviors from other people as well as your own parents treated you so horribly. You also become very passive and set yourself up as an easy target for vicious cowards and bullies the world has to offer, especially as your parents will not be there to support you or back you up when you struggle / suffer. I am giving you the same advise I wish someone had given me in my 20s - that his behavior is not "normal" and that you absolutely should not be tolerating this. What I went through was domestic violence, although I did not realize that until much later. When people talk of DV, they usually think of a wife or a husband being battered by their spouse. Well, a "parent" battering a child (adult or minor) is DV, too, and has disastrous effects on the offspring's psyche. Your father may not ever change (mine still claims to be "innocent" of any wrongdoing and that I "provoked" him to beat me and verbally and emotionally shame and berate me) and it's not your job to cure him of whatever mental illness he is suffering from. Nor do you have to tolerate his assholery.

Please please move out, and cut off all contact with him. As long as you live under the same roof as him, he will view you as an acceptable target. But if you are on your own, he is out of luck. If he attempts to scream / berate you again, call the cops. It seems to me that he -- like my own father - has never had to face the consequences of his poor behavior -- and unless he does, there will be absolutely zero motivation for him to change said behavior. Maybe hearing from the cops in the aftermath of a "domestic disturbance" phone call will motivate him if nothing else. In any case, again, not your problem. You should officially be done with him at this point, blood or DNA, notwithstanding.

Where is your mother in all of this ? Is she supportive of you or is she your father's enabler ?