Please do not judge me :-(

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This was a very small part of what you shared, but thought I would mention that if routine is important for him, vacations may be difficult/stressful because they tend to be more unpredictable and unstructured. So maybe he was really just trying to tell you he doesn't want to go on more trips any time soon...not trying to way he doesn't want to be around you.

I would try to think of ways to interpret what he says that don't make it about how much he loves you, you know? He can love his mom more than he used to, and want to see her without loving you less. I think the fact that he wants to share his excitement with you means he loves you. You are the person he wants to talk to about his life and how he is feeling. It's like how a kid with a stay at home mom gets SUPER excited when dad gets home. Does the kid love dad more? Usually not...just they don't see him as much, so it is exciting when he is around. But the stay at home parent is the one they run to when they have a scraped knee or want their sandwich made "the right way." His mom is like that dad who is away most of the time, but you are the person he knows he can trust and share things with and is consistently there for him.

Another question - have you tried repeating back to him the phrase he says about seeing his mom? We had an autistic boy at my church who would repeat phrases over and over until someone repeated them back to him. I think perhaps that gave him confirmation that he'd been understood. Maybe when he says "Mummy on Saturday!!" Say it back to him. Then say something else to change the subject to something else he enjoys (painting, trains, etc.).

I wish the two of you success in the future.

Posey I ALWAYS say it back to him as I know that is what he needs and we do the repeat back all the time like reaffermation and he looks for me to repeat back most things he says to me

I suppose there are 2 difficulties here ;

1/ I love him DEEPLY so I have some very deep emotions in my gut and chest and can be easily hurt which is not LOGICAL , he will say something and the knife will go straight in my heart without me realising or being able to stop it from doing so

2/ I also have some VERY strong feelings about my daughter , mainly concern and sadly mistrust but worry about what she is actually doing to the whole family as EVERYONE in the family is affected by her addiction and it has deep waves of AFFECT throughout the family

In this excitement of having fun with Mummy there is also the underlying risk factor as she WILL turn up to contact drunk or even his school off her head on drugs and my Grandson sees this as normal contact and that all Mummys friends who are addicts that is the normal crowd to be around and hang around and get fond of , till something happens but I actually just want him to have a steady life with all the simple pleasures imaginable and yes that also may mean he finds any new adventure difficult as it involves CHANGE but if I just keep him at home he will never experience the world or nature or cooking outdoors on a camp fire or seeing different animals which he loves even if it is in a zoo and walking along the beach even though it is away from home and home is his favourite place

The chalet by the sea he usually LOVES going to and has loved it for the past 4 years MOSTLY as yes sometimes on a few occasions he has said he does not want to go and I would not force him once he COMPLETELY goes off it which most teens end up doing ie losing interest as it is mainly for the younger kids there BUT you are right to make me mindful of how DISRUPTIVE to him a simple 'holiday' is and that maybe have to do MORE 'prep work' with him beforehand and also realise he may hate the disruptive factor and newness of it when we go to a new place to stay over on the holiday but right now I feel like a bit of an EMOTIONAL MESS as all my emotions run so deep plus I am not sleeping properly and nor is he so it is a difficult time for us in general and I honestly hope things SETTLE DOWN SOON as out ''normal'' is SO GOOD it really is and we are both USUALLY SO HAPPY but something new is disrupting this and maybe if the SUDDEN huge novelty factor of Mum wears of a LITTLE BIT and settles down to being normal it will help improve things but yes I am ok to admit some very deep feelings are involved for me and some jealousy but WORDS CAN HURT even if you don't want them to and I have to find a way for me to not constantly be walking around with PAIN in my heart and belly as we did USED to be like 2 happy peas in a pod and SOMETHING has changed and disrupted that and tbh neither of us are happy right now and I do want that FIXED ASAP!!

Do you think his mum (Your daughter) may also have a milder form of being on the spectrum and maybe you have traits of it? I ask because they say it is possible it comes down family lines and I know that if I am diagnosed as having it, my mum also has it (Though she is a little different she does share similar aspects that I do) and my grandmother (Mums Mum) also had bit but was diagnosed with nurvous exhaustion or something along those lines...
Is just a thought.

I'm sorry if that sounded like I wasn't affirming your emotions. I understand feelings can be very hard to control. It just helps me, when someone has done something hurtful, to try to think of what reasons they could have had that would make it hurt less...if that makes sense? I am also probably not the best person to help with emotional stuff though, since me and my therapist are currently working on getting me to access my emotions better. I can be overly logical.

But it might be a good tool to try to reframe the situation/his behavior. And maybe try imagining things going well/back to normal when you are stressed out. That helps me when I am worrying sometimes. Or praying.

Yeah I do picture things being back to normal and I hold onto that

If it is true you reap what you sow I have been through utter hell for my Grandson and I have been placed under CHRONIC stress during the court case in order to keep him here and keep him safe and social services have put me through utter hell too as has my daughter using numerous false allegations against me to try and get him back using mud slinging and a long term ongoing character assassination and smear campaign but I have had years of being investigated due to all of the allegations needing to be investigated by law by social services and I continue to sow and sow and sow into his life so when he rejects me and he DOES because he wants to be with his Mum now all of a sudden not me it seems or how it FEELS it still HURTS LIKE HELL as she gets the adoration and love without the sowing and I do all the sowing and it feels like right now I get nothing back apart from a boy who wants to be with his Mum and not me and IF she ever DID recover I would be sending him home FOR SURE NOW NOT because I don't love him just because I want him to be happy and if he feels he is miserable here and would be happier with Mummy ( IF she was well and he was safe both of which are not true unfortunately ) then I would pack my bags and get on with my life even if he did not want to see me at all

I want to love ME and him and I want him to be HAPPY even without me if that is what it takes for him to be happy and I also would never force someone to live with me who didn't want to so there are other options out there

If he wants a relationship with me that is great because I want a relationship with him and this relationship involves ME STEPPING IN AND PRETTY MUCH GIVING UP MY LIFE FOR HIM IF HE WANTS ME TO THAT IS BUT THERE IS NO OTHER OPTION APART FROM AN AUNT HE WOULD BE MISERABLE WITH AS HE MAYBE FANTASISES ABOUT THE OPTION OF REUNITING WITH HIS MUM BUT THAT IS NOT SAFE TO DO AND HE DOES NOT GET NOR UNDERSTAND NOR WANTS TO ACCEPT THAT

Maybe he thinks I am keeping him from his Mum and if he DIDN'T live with me then he would be living with her

He had contact today and was stroking her face saying ''Mummy is a Princess'' and he he had a look of idolising her in his eyes but they didn't really KNOW each other , he was a bit awkward with her and shy at times but he kept staring at her face and it is fine he needs to see that face as she is his Mum but afterwards when we had to go he said ''no , Nanny go away'' and he wanted me to leave him there with his Mum and not say goodbye to her , he came over to me eventually and said ''No goodbye Mummy , Nanny go away'' and he told me to ''shush'' if I ever said anything during the contact so I had to sit there quietly and pretty much invisible or almost at least and not to take it personally is hard coz it does hurt like hell as he DOES REJECT ME and yet does not understand he is ONLY living with me for A REASON but he said ''Mummy is better'' again as he will NOT believe that she isn't better and therefore why he is living with me but they don't have a deep relationship or go through stuff together or talk about feelings or cry or even shout and scream or actually go through HELL TOGETHER emotionally etc , maybe seperately yes but it is the SAFETY factor why he is not there plus he WANTED to live with me for the past 4 years and they thought the change to move home would be too much for him with his Autism but it was the alcoholism and safety factors around violence and who she mixes with etc which is why they gave me guardianship in the end but he feels Mummy is better now all of a sudden ( because he WANTS HER TO BE OF COURSE as we all do ) but the only way I would send him home is if she WAS better , not pretending like she does and pulls the wool over everyone's eyes and it works and I become the baddy even in HIS eyes for KEEPING HIM AWAY FROM HER!

I feel like him not wanting to live with me is coming next as before he did still want to but it honestly feels like he wants shot of me now lol like I am standing in the way of him and his Mum which is what SHE HAS ALWAYS SAID I AM DOING ( When I am not I just want to keep him SAFE ) but he does not UNDERSTAND that and he thinks he WOULD be safe with his Mum as he has NO IDEA of what goes on behind the scenes and how can I explain alcoholism to him etc and the safety factors etc plus when I do gently try to he says ''NO'' and refuses to believe it even though he was neglected when he lived with her and he used to REMEMBER that which is why there was a rift between them before but he has forgotten all of it now and sees her as a new person which sadly she is NOT

I do feel I may need to do some more truth work with him whether he believes it right now or not tbh as it may sink in eventually why he lives here as he USED to understand and he said ''Mummy not well'' when he was younger and that made sense of it and he was so happy here but now he says ''Mummy is better'' when she ISN'T is sad really as he is struggling to accept that as it is SAD and it does not fit in with living happily ever after with his Mum let alone an absent Dad who never sees him! xx

I NEVER want him to think it was HIS FAULT he was removed from her and has to live with me but I do not want him to think it is MY fault either and I am some baddy trying to steal and keep him AWAY from his Mum when I am NOT ( just want to keep him safe and make sure all his needs are met etc ) it is hard to explain all that but social services supposed to be doing some work with him re why he does not live with his Mum soon and I better tell them to get a move on as it might help him if he hears it or works through it all with someone else as well who is less emotionally involved! Lol x

Oh, this is difficult.
Bear with me on this, no doubt I'm going to sound unfeeling and presumptious, but I'm thinking maybe a different viewpoint might help. Take a deep breath, and please don't get upset with me, I'm just trying to help.

The way I see it, the issue is not the relationship between your grandson and yourself it is the difficult history between yourself and your daughter. Your grandson has discovered that asking to see his mum produces a reaction in you. Obviously a very strong reaction. And the more he asks, the more stressful it gets for you and the more you desperately need him to stop. It would be very natural for him to come to the conclusion that you are trying to prevent him seeing his mum and resent you for that. So he pushes and pushes...

From an outside perspective, my first thought was that if the boy is obsessing over seeing his mum, would it be totally impossible for him to spend more time with her, to get it out of his system? I mean, not living with her if that is unsafe, just seeing her more often? Because, as you say yourself, he has forgotten how neglectful she was, he is idolising her, and spending time with her may be the only way to disillusion him.

If that is not possible, the only way I see to deal with this is to work through your own feelings towards your daughter. Because a child asking to see his mum is natural, it is your reaction which is causing escalation. It is your need to have him love you completely and your fear that his love for his mother undermines that, and your fear of losing him, after all you have gone through, all the sacrifices you have made on his behalf. I'm not attacking you here, it's perfectly natural to feel this way, I think you're amazingly strong to have done what you have.

From an outside perspective, it is clear that your grandson loves you very much. Because this is what kids do to their primary carer as they grow up - they start pushing boundaries and acting up. Because you are the one safe person in the world they know they can do this to, without fear that you will desert them. It is a supreme act of trust.

So my suggestion is to trust that he loves you, just as much as he always did. He's just testing your limits, because that's what kids of a certain age start to do.

I hope that helps, in some way.

Hi yes there were / are some very complex emotions involved here , most of all that sadly I do not trust his Mum and don't trust her not to drop him from a great height which I obviously do not want to happen to him

Also it was not just the 'natural' asking about his Mum which was getting to me it was the fact it was 40+ times a day and it felt like it was heading for around 60 times a day and it WAS obsessive and he was fantasising and yes I HOPED that seeing her would mean he would have a reality check at some point but they have reduced his contact specifically so he can settle in so it was catch 22 and yet I DO have some strong feelings re my daughter and PROTECTING my Grandchildren as I just WISH SHE DID NOT LIE TO THEM AND EVERYONE ELSE AROUND HER as if she truly was ''better'' like she is telling everyone including her son who believed her then I would not have a problem with her or with upping the contact to a more normal family oriented pace or even yes little man RETURN to her if that is what would make him HAPPY IF and only IF he was SAFE!!

Anyway things have thankfully settled much to my relief as he was not happy when he was having these intrusive thoughts all day and they WERE intrusive as he was not his normal self nor was he focusing on ANYTHING else and he just was not happy while he was daily obsessing and he could not switch it off bless him

Anyway it just STOPPED , as suddenly as it started , he seemed to realise for himself that Mummy is Mummy ( and that is okay! ) it was the fantasising that she was almost beyond human etc and because he missed out on her and her love and attention she became super human to him / a super hero and he was besotted with her but a penny dropped or something happened for him to see her as MUMMY AGAIN which tbh IS ALL I WANTED as there is nothing wrong with that , the idolising of her was becoming out of hand , honestly and he was NOT A HAPPY LITTLE BOY WHILE HE WAS OBSESSING

But OMG HE IS HAPPY now and we are thankfully ''back to normal'' and the RELIEF is immense , in both of us I feel as he can control his thoughts as they are not intrusive any more as Mummy is not on a huge pedestal , maybe a little one yes for being Mummy but he is is not obsessing over her all day every day any more and it IS a relief I cannot say it isn't coz it was tough for both of us and I do not feel it was all 'my fault' tbh as I do feel some of / a part of it was due to his Autism it was not ALL down to me and the feelings I have re my daughter as those have been around for a LONG time lol and yes I am still working on it but ALL ALONG for the past 4 years when he mentioned his Mum I have been FINE as it was a VERY 'normal amount' in frequency but something happened here suddenly and he DID become what I would describe as obsessed and I hope I helped him through it somehow not just made it worse , even though no one knows the complexity of the emotions etc going on here I hope I still just carried on loving him and being HONEST with my own emotions in this but I do not blame my own feelings for ALL of this ie as what CAUSED it and yes I may not / did not deal with it PERFECTLY as I am indeed only human but it has been HELL in some ways for both of us and very intense but it was also very 'extreme' and I am very glad the EXTREMENESS has settled down in his own mind and something seemed to click in HIM which made him realise or feel that Mummy is Mummy again not a goddess or an idol and it feels so HEALTHY again now

It has settled

I am so glad he is settled etc. I have been praying.

God is GOOD

I'm very glad.
And apologies if I seemed to be laying it all on you, I know autistic obsessions are difficult, I get my own sometimes.
Wishing you all the best.

You should Google foster care/adoption trauma. Trauma is a heavy word, but that's the word that is used.

Its is really really REALLY common for children, who are placed with others to live, to idolize the bio parents. When you go to foster care classes, this situation is brought up. You go through a honey moon period with the child, then it goes to Death Con 5. You suck. Everything sucks. I don't have to listen to you. My mommy cooked scrambled eggs better. She did this better. I want to vacation with mommy, even if there is no chance in hell any of that will happen.

The bio parent can be an abusive, horrible human, and did horrible things to the kid. The kid still acts out and wants mom/dad. The kid is testing if you are REALLY going to be around.

Throw in being on the spectrum and tunnel thinking/magical thinking and general obsessing, I'm sure it's demoralizing.

You are doing Kin care foster care. You are a family member, but you aren't mom. I can't remember if his mother has had her rights terminate, but it doesn't matter. The acting out is the same. If your grandson was NT, you'd still be dealing with these issues.

It might be worth looking to foster care classes. What you are looking for is what happens to kids when they are removed from the home, and how that affects them emotionally/psychologically. Yes, you are grandma, but you aren't grandma who only visits and goes home.

There are lots of articles on the web dealing with this issue. Good luck!