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Why does my son act like this?

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cyberdad
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01 Jul 2020, 10:47 pm

My 15 year old does that with me now. She has chores but sometimes she comes up with reasons for why can't I do it :lol:



MariaBoy
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02 Jul 2020, 12:28 am

Redd_Kross wrote:
Why are you asking him to fetch a ball when you could quite easily go fetch it yourself?

If I'd had enough by that point in the day it would be a "no" from me as well.



That’s why I asked, I didn’t know that it needs so much effort to follow a simple instruction. I just treat him like his siblings and expect the same. Now, I will keep all useful infos in mind when expecting things from him .



auntblabby
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02 Jul 2020, 12:40 am

taking it at an alternate tack, when i was your boy's age i did the same thing, i can't explain why i did contrary to what was demanded of me other than the fact that it was demanded and i didn't like being commanded. this extended well into adulthood but by that time became a passive-aggressive thing. i believe this was a frontal lobe thing on my part, for when my frontal lobes received treatment the passive/aggressive thing abated.



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02 Jul 2020, 1:37 am

auntblabby wrote:
taking it at an alternate tack, when i was your boy's age i did the same thing, i can't explain why i did contrary to what was demanded of me other than the fact that it was demanded and i didn't like being commanded. this extended well into adulthood but by that time became a passive-aggressive thing. i believe this was a frontal lobe thing on my part, for when my frontal lobes received treatment the passive/aggressive thing abated.


Interesting! I am sure he doesn’t like to be told what to do,and he tries his best to make this known.
What kind of treatment if you don’t mind sharing?



auntblabby
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02 Jul 2020, 1:54 am

MariaBoy wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
taking it at an alternate tack, when i was your boy's age i did the same thing, i can't explain why i did contrary to what was demanded of me other than the fact that it was demanded and i didn't like being commanded. this extended well into adulthood but by that time became a passive-aggressive thing. i believe this was a frontal lobe thing on my part, for when my frontal lobes received treatment the passive/aggressive thing abated.


Interesting! I am sure he doesn’t like to be told what to do,and he tries his best to make this known.
What kind of treatment if you don’t mind sharing?

frontal lobe stimulants, specifically strattera. the others [amphetamines] made it worse. but remember the standard disclaimer, "your mileage may vary." also i believe my brain belatedly grew up and matured, but it took 40+ years to do it.



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02 Jul 2020, 7:57 pm

auntblabby wrote:
taking it at an alternate tack, when i was your boy's age i did the same thing, i can't explain why i did contrary to what was demanded of me other than the fact that it was demanded and i didn't like being commanded. this extended well into adulthood but by that time became a passive-aggressive thing. i believe this was a frontal lobe thing on my part, for when my frontal lobes received treatment the passive/aggressive thing abated.


Interesting.

I definitely have issues with taking patronizing or unnecessary orders. Assumptions get on my nerves too.

I had assumed that was due to ADD, meaning I have to invest a disproportionate amount of time and effort into completing "simple" tasks, but I might be wrong.

My response to "fetch the ball" would be begrudging at best, and possible outright refusal. Fetch it yourself.



Aspie1
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03 Jul 2020, 7:49 am

Redd_Kross wrote:
Why are you asking him to fetch a ball when you could quite easily go fetch it yourself?

If I'd had enough by that point in the day it would be a "no" from me as well.
This is a good take on the whole thing. Aspies, especially aspie kids, are VERY logic-oriented. And they know that adults have more abilities than kids do. So when an adult who has 3 times the size and 30 times the strength, asks a child to fetch a ball, a "does not compute!" flag goes off in the child's head. That flag provokes mostly negative reactions, ranging from mistrust, to confusion, to anger.

When I was a child myself, I've had many adults pretend not to know what I'm talking about when they didn't want to answer me. I knew they were pretending, because there's no way an adult didn't know it. Needless to say, I still have lingering trust issues.



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03 Jul 2020, 4:56 pm

It may be helpful to have the child give his reasons for not doing what he was told. This has a parallel in the adult world as judicial review. It also makes use of logic to which the child may respond better.

Asperger children often see themselves as adults and feel that they should have the same freedoms. A child might be told that it is important for him to learn from the direction of his parent as he is not sufficiently aware of everything to safely make all his own decisions.

He also needs to learn habits and patterns of behavior that will serve him well later in life. The fact that he may not agree that a particular task will help him build character, and it is proof that he is not able to make completely sound and independent decisions.



blazingstar
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03 Jul 2020, 6:25 pm

^ we are talking about a five year old here. No one is saying he can make life decisions.

One thing he does know is when he needs a break, needs down time.

And he does not need to be explaining why. He’s only five.


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CarlM
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03 Jul 2020, 6:31 pm

timf wrote:
It may be helpful to have the child give his reasons for not doing what he was told.

Did we forget that he is non-verbal?


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Aspie1
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03 Jul 2020, 11:01 pm

CarlM wrote:
timf wrote:
It may be helpful to have the child give his reasons for not doing what he was told.
Did we forget that he is non-verbal?
Never mind the "nonverbal" part! All but the lowest-functioning aspie kids know one simple fact: When an adult asks a question starting with a "why", they are NOT looking for sincere information, but rather for a punishment pretext/excuse. So when asked "why [whatever]?", the aspie kid is likely to clam up, and do their best not to answer the question, as to avoid being punished. Or equally likely, inadvertently give a wrong answer (read: something the adult doesn't like), thus providing the punishment pretext/excuse the adult is looking for.

Then again, when an adult is in a punishing mood, ANY answer, even a heartfelt apology, can be a pretext to punish a child.



cyberdad
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03 Jul 2020, 11:31 pm

I think the OP is still trying to uncover to what extent her son comprehends given she labels his understanding as excellent yet also says he acts like he doesn't follow instructions?

Children don't always follow a script, he may or may not be choosing to clam up or shutdown but he may sincerely be having difficulty decoding everything told to him.



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04 Jul 2020, 12:04 am

MariaBoy wrote:
Redd_Kross wrote:
Why are you asking him to fetch a ball when you could quite easily go fetch it yourself?

If I'd had enough by that point in the day it would be a "no" from me as well.



That’s why I asked, I didn’t know that it needs so much effort to follow a simple instruction. I just treat him like his siblings and expect the same. Now, I will keep all useful infos in mind when expecting things from him .


Damn, aren't we condescending?



MariaBoy
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04 Jul 2020, 1:07 am

cubedemon6073 wrote:
MariaBoy wrote:
Redd_Kross wrote:
Why are you asking him to fetch a ball when you could quite easily go fetch it yourself?

If I'd had enough by that point in the day it would be a "no" from me as well.



That’s why I asked, I didn’t know that it needs so much effort to follow a simple instruction. I just treat him like his siblings and expect the same. Now, I will keep all useful infos in mind when expecting things from him .


Damn, aren't we condescending?

No, I am not. I am certain he understands me well, and I still expect him to follow instructions like his brothers , however, I will take different possibilities into consideration, as he might be overwhelmed! It will take time but I will definitely reach my goal



MariaBoy
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04 Jul 2020, 1:12 am

timf wrote:
It may be helpful to have the child give his reasons for not doing what he was told. This has a parallel in the adult world as judicial review. It also makes use of logic to which the child may respond better.

Asperger children often see themselves as adults and feel that they should have the same freedoms. A child might be told that it is important for him to learn from the direction of his parent as he is not sufficiently aware of everything to safely make all his own decisions.

He also needs to learn habits and patterns of behavior that will serve him well later in life. The fact that he may not agree that a particular task will help him build character, and it is proof that he is not able to make completely sound and independent decisions.



I love this idea! It makes lots of sense and I will definitely do it. I remember one day, he was nagging as he didn’t want to tidy up some toys, and I explained to him that he was the one who played with them and it was unfair to his brother to tidy them up, and he really listened and stopped nagging!



MariaBoy
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04 Jul 2020, 1:15 am

cyberdad wrote:
I think the OP is still trying to uncover to what extent her son comprehends given she labels his understanding as excellent yet also says he acts like he doesn't follow instructions?

Children don't always follow a script, he may or may not be choosing to clam up or shutdown but he may sincerely be having difficulty decoding everything told to him.



Actually, I was wondering why would he go as far as to pretend to not understand and give me wrong items instead of obeying and finishing the task. His comprehension is good and I always read books to him and he answers me correctly in writing!