For parents: Obesity and AS a deadly combination

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The problem with people who do not have a firm grasp on reality is that they, without exception, are convinced they do.

My mother had eating issues (no, she is not skinny, but then not all anorexics are) and throughout my childhood she kept doing and saying things that were, to phrase it very mildly, slightly off. I remember small candies being divided in two, cheese or cookies being hidden in odd places for fear of my finding them and eating some, white bread and pasta being bought very rarely or not at all, etc. My bags and drawers were habitually rummaged through without my knowing because there could be food in there. Practically every day, I was told things like: "Your face has become rounder today, it is just like a pear with your cheeks almost showing behind your ears; you *must* have eaten some calorie-rich food" or "Oh my, you have almost filled up these pants" or "You look just like an elephant with those column-like legs of yours". And so on.

I was never overweight as a child, but YES I did become quite plump (though medically still not obese) as a teen - the food I had at home left me hungry and I had 10 LTL (about 3.30 USD) pocket money a week, so I bought buns and other cheapest availiable products, and I had next to no idea of how to eat healthy because nobody had taught me this.

My mother still has these issues, only now she's come to understand that I'd better not be bothered about this, and that it had all been just plain wrong. She still eats very little herself, though - she's been dieting and obsessing over calories longer than I can remember, and very often, she will still eat nothing but apples/cucumbers and a bit of cottage cheese throughout the whole day. It worries me of course, but there is little I can do.

The bottom line is this: she is quite convinced that her perception of reality is okay. So where does one draw the line and how does one make sure one is being objective?

I'm sorry, this thread has gotten intensely upsetting.

yes. so.

ixochiyo_yohuallan, i give you an "air pet/pat".

it's what i usually do when i sort of want to hug people but i am unsure-- so i stroke the air near their shoulder without touching them.

i_am_andaJoy:

Thank you. *gives her a big open hug*

ZakFiend:

Frankly, the way you speak sounds troubling to me. Especially the way you said "who cares about acceptance". No, one SHOULD care about acceptance. One damn well should. For years, my parents told me that I was worthless, would never amount to anything etc., the implication being that the person I was was flawed, and that this could be righted only by living the way they wanted me to, not the way that would have really been best for me. Which is what I did. I opted for studying a subject I did not like and was not interested in, I tried to develop habits that would be satisfying for my parents, I did my best never to hurt them in any way. I tried to mold myself into their image of me, at least superficially, in order to feel loved by them, and was willing to sacrifice my dreams for this. The end result was misery on both sides. Now I am as old as I am and my parents have finally understood that it had all been wrong. They are sorry - and I just feel sad because had they been just a tiny bit more accepting, all of us would have been much happier.

What about the cases where the teen committed suicide because (s)he felt rejected by his or her parents?

I nearly killed myself that I was sixteen because my parents were trying to force me into being something I could not be. It was my luck that I had always loved life, and I was not depressed enough to completely not know what I was doing.

I didn't care an ounce what everyone else thought of me - by then, I was at university and I had the two or three close friends I needed, as for everyone else, well, it did not matter what they thought. To be honest, up to now I do not even have a good sense of other people's opinion about me; I have to ask them outright to know. Back then, too, it was my parents' opinion that mattered most. And my parents, my mother in particular, were not accepting at all.

I can't help it but "who cares about acceptance" makes me shudder in spite of myself.

first off i totally agree with what ixochiyo_yohuallan said. you see in my opinion a mod or a admin of this forum should remove this topic from the forum, cause not every aspie is obese, and what i have seen alot of them arent obese, cause there picky eaters. and the issues with eating disorders are another one, some of the people on this forum are going though different opsticles, such as anorexia, dealing with heartbreak and rejection, dealing with divorce and or adoption, there are many different aspies or people dealing with issues in there life. I have though about suicide too, but i never went though with it. sorry about ranting but this topic kind of pissed me off, it's not that i'm obese but it has to do with all the struggles people are dealing with in life. sure it may be weight for some, but not for me...

I think it's okay to have controversial subjects up, especially when there are plenty of people arguing over it. Discussing Fat is important.

Fat is about cosmetics, health, addiction, fashion and social norms. When we use euphemisms, try to cover up the conversation, who are we helping? Food and eating are very common subjects when discussing autistic kids. We might as well discuss the consequences of "different" eating styles; that is, eating disorders, overeating, fat shame, malnourishment and healthy body-image.
I look at the roll on my son's side and think, "oh good, if he gets sick this winter, I won't worry about his appetite". My mother in law saw her skinny son and withheld food from him, gave him soup or toast.
Sometimes discussing these topics is cathartic.

What I'm trying to say is that healthy, beautiful people come in all shapes and sizes. I'm also trying to say that happy people come in all shapes and sizes. There are some larger people who are popular and have high self-esteem. Some larger people have low self-esteem and they're unpopular. The same thing goes for people who are fit. Some have lots of friends and self-esteem and others don't. I think that it depends on the individual. I've once known a skinny man who was together with a large woman. I've also known a large man who had the hots for a skinny woman. We are all different, and that's a good thing.

yay! hugs back then.

and i do not like this post. zak is chalk nails in my brain and so no more amanda will visit. ok. bye.

Thank you, I was going to tell ZakFiend how I was raised just like he dictates, with the rod never spared, and the child never spoiled. but you beat me to it!

You see, Zak, my parents thought I was willful and wayward and could only be taught by firm obedience to their rulings. I was kept in a leather harness and leash until it literally rotted off of me one day and the crotch strap broke. My mother threatened me with "I am NOT gonna buy you another one, either, Missy!" I still remember how silly that sounded, even at 5 years old, that she didn't realize I didn't WANT another one, ever, ever again! She was kind, though, I remember she helped me put glitter on my sign "I BITE" that they made me wear all year in second grade so I could have some 'self esteem," I suppose. I was molested by my cousins and my brother traded me for some electronic equipment once. My uncles on my moms' side decided I should not disgrace the family and tossed me off a boat in the middle of the lake and rowed away. . . I remember falling out of the swing and knocking the breath out of me and watching my mother eye me from behind the venitian blind. . .until I caught it again and started crying. I finally got pregnant and my parents put me in a mental institution and I ran away from there, the first damn chance I got.
My parents died never knowing I was autistic/Asperger's Syndrome. They never knew I shattered into so many personas I have to write about them just to keep track. They had a grip on reality, ZakFiend, and held fast. Good luck on how that will work out for you.

Merle

There's a difference between telling your son he needs to lose weight because it will effect is dating and social life... and REJECTING your son... i.e. there's a difference between protecting a child from other peoples hostility pro-actively, and "being mean".




Note: You are a girl though, big difference.



Merle, you are totally projecting what your parents did to what I'm advising: Being fat effects your social life in big ways. I'm saying that being AS and male, it makes it hard enough for them to get dates/girlfriends as it is, add in obesity and you got a deadly combination. I speak from experience, I didn't just pull it out of thin air one day and said "This is how you must parent your child"

I'm saying be aware that it can have major effects on those guys who have AS and also happen to be overweight.

I'm fat, and I have lots of friends. I was even going out with a man for a few months, this year. We even hopped in the sack, together. I think it's how a person deals with being fat, that determines how their social life. Some people want to lose weight and be thin. Other people would rather be big and enjoy their life turns out to be. My large size has been determined by my genes, but I'm also choosing to keep the weight on, because it makes me feel strong, safe and powerful. I get a great deal of respect from my friends and acquaintances. Bullies also know not to mess with me, because they know that I could probably break one of their bones, or two.

While I do agree you have a point. Remember it's NOT universal, some people can accept their fatness... others wont be able to. How a person deals with being fat, wouldn't occur if they weren't fat in the first place! Self-esteem

I also agree with you to a point, as well. I had a friend in high school. She was fat and autistic. She thought that everybody was staring at her, and she didn't have the same confidence to approach people that I did.

I understand as my parents tried to convince me I was fat when I was a child because they were obsessed with the idea of my not only knowing how to swim, but loving it too. They would tell me I needed exercise and the only activity that was exercise was swimming. I was told walking, biking, etc., was not exercise, only swimming was, and I had to swim every day when my sister did. I knew I wasn't fat, but it hurt me so deeply when my parents said it.

They also filled me with lies about how much better my life would be with swimming because I'd get big muscles from it and girls would be interested in me because of that. If I knew how to swim and loved it, I could have other people over to swim too and I'd have lots of friends as a result. I'd also get suntanned, which according to my parents, was extremely healthy and they even tried to convince me getting my legs suntanned would cure my tibial torsion(one bone in my leg is slightly twisted inward). All those lies ever did to me was make me not want to swim more.

This garbage went on every summer between the ages of 11-14 and just hurt so much that I became very depressed to the point of losing interest in anything. I also lost faith in myself, I became weaker in my ability to make decisions(since every time I decided I didn't want to swim, my parents would force me anyway), and felt very ashamed because since when I went swimming and for how much time was based on when my sister did it, she in effect could control what I did by simply deciding it was time to go swimming to take me away from my activities. She would even decide if whatever activity I was engaged in at the time was worthy of being considered "doing anything" and when I wasn't by her standards "doing anything," my parents would mandate swimming.

I have a very negative view of swimming as a result of having it forced down my throat, and I think sending a child to a so called "obesity camp" would have the same result on them forced swimming has on me. It also strained my relationship with my parents, gave my sister an overinflated sense of importance. You are right, it would probably have the opposite effect of what you are trying to achieve.

Most aspies don't care what others think, it's part of the territory.

Merle, you are totally projecting what your parents did to what I'm advising: Being fat effects your social life in big ways. I'm saying that being AS and male, it makes it hard enough for them to get dates/girlfriends as it is, add in obesity and you got a deadly combination. I speak from experience, I didn't just pull it out of thin air one day and said "This is how you must parent your child"

I'm saying be aware that it can have major effects on those guys who have AS and also happen to be overweight.[/quote]

of course I project what you say onto how I was raised, just like your child will project how they feel about the world depending on how you raise them. Just like you are 'totally' projecting onto your child your feelings of importance of physical image and how they feel about people that are not the image YOU project as 'right'.
This is called promoting prejudice whether another race, another country or against 'fat' people making them 'the other' Whispered comments. . 'you don't want to be like THEM. ." You can give every rationalization or justification of health or self esteem but it is still making some impressionalble child go 'ewwwww' all their lives when they see someone that doesn't look like them.

But you are a parent, and a parent is God to a kid. They will believe what you train them to believe, even later, when they find out your beliefs are a bogus kind of prejudice, they will be fighting the feelings all their lives.


Merle

The most important thing is to make your child comfortable, if your AS child is overweight and unhappy with it, help them but don't obsess over it. The most important thing is to let them know you'll love them no matter what they look like, saying you'll send him/her away if they get obese will only put more unnecessary pressure to be perfect.

Love them no matter what, AMEN!

My parents used to threaten to send me away too. Their threats included locking me up in a boarding school with no TV and swimming lessons/camp all summer long and every weekend during the fall. For a time, they thought my problems were caused by watching TV too much and not being interested in swimming and by changing those two things, i.e. taking away TV and forcing me to love swimming, would solve all my problems and I'd have friends, top grades, be loved by my teachers and everyone else, and be happy if I'd just change those 2 things.

Fortunately, they never followed through on those threats. I know I would have just been more miserable if they had done either of those things. The only things taking TV away from me and forcing me to swim accomplished was making me want to watch TV more and increase my hatred of swimming.

I still hate swimming and I still want to watch TV but at least now that I'm an adult, I don't have idiots trying to control me force me to be "normal" anymore. I have the freedom to watch TV and the freedom to pick my own activities, both of which I take full advantage of.