Aspie child and sexual intrest

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i would have to agree with Apatura, about the seriousness of this, no parent wants to admit that their child could do these things or "get them in trouble" for it but how much worse would you feel if he raped his sister and may have already scarred his cousin for life. no one should have to live with this kind of fear or trauma.
this needs to be addressed immediately with the aid of some professional help, and her parents need to be informed of it too.
you don't know what to do or how to do it, neither do i or would i but there are professonals who are specifically trained in that area who culd at the least help you help him.
i agree it is not a good idea for him to ever be unsupervised with his sister or any other female or younger person for that matter.
this needs serious professional help.
i wish you and your family all the best, hopefully with proper treatment this issue can be resolved.
sorry if this seems really harsh but it is such a serious matter, it needs frank words.

Porn, and sex, is one of the hottest search patterns on the internet. My ex has a enterprise grade firewall and I still can't keep up with SMS/MMS stuff. So we have mutually agreed that it's better to educate. I'm a computer geek and I'm good at it. And I know most of the scary things you are just a click away from. I am also trusted by my ex to watch and block traffic from remote. Of course I trust my ex to be able to surf whatever she wants to but I have a policy she's just happy with about things getting blocked.

This is a hell of being a SysAdm. Some things are appropriate, other ar not or considered illegal.

For you computer geeks out here, We have for 20 years or so unspoken rules for what's right and what's not. If you are into the 'Scene' you know what I mean.

as a survivor of incest , i am apalled that you are not thinking of the others involved ! !! !! !! !
i had similiar experiences with mboth my brother , father and grandfather........it has to stop NOW!! !! !! !! !
you have a duty to protect the others in your house..........yes, your son needs help. yes, he needs whatever empathy you can muster. he needs to realize it needs to stop NOW. the girls need counseling. your son needs it too.

I was obsessed with the penis, at the age of eight, but I didn't go that far.

Thanks for all of the responses I really appreciate it

But in reading through the responses I see I do need to clarify a few things My wife is disabled and does not work we homeschool both of our children throught a great online school called Connections academy (found at www.connectionsacademy.com) the school is aware of his condition as well both of the kids regularly see a psychiatrist on a biweekly basis and a psychologist 4 times a yr. We do have services in the house Jon has a Mobile therapist and a TSS (therapeutic staff support).

So far I have totally taken the pc away from him except for school when my wife is right on top of him and I know this punishment tears him apart because he loves to play games on the pc. I tried to explain to him as best as I could about what he was doing was wrong. I did not think of explaining to him about self gratification and privacy issues along with that like I said I was woken up with the news.
To respond to gwenevyn’s comment “Most of us, as parents, make the mistake of being too wishy-washy or too authoritarian. It's entirely possible to lay down firm rules while also empathizing and acting as a helper not just a rule-maker ... and that's really the best way to go.”
I was raised by my grandfather who was retired military and that does seed into you I am not very good at empathy and really do not have a clue on how to even “fake it” I am beginning to learn to explain my decisions to the kids (which I never really did before) and yes I am guilty of laying down rules and expecting them to be followed. I know there are things I have not done exactly right as far as a parent goes especially the parent of an aspie child.

For Apatura’s First comment “You're here telling us that your son has sexually abused his sister and a toddler cousin-- I think social services should be involved! Are you not concerned about how this will affect these girls?”
Ok I realized I did mke a mistake in the first post my wife told me I aged his cousin wrong she is almost 7 now so she was 6 when the incident happened and yes we are concerned of how his actions will affect the girls but he did not sexually abuse his sister (he tried to) she is very strong willed and right when Jon did that she left the room and told her mother right away so nothing really happened other than him flashing his sister. Which he should not be doing either. In fact it has been a long time rule that no kids but Abby is allowed in her room.
“I'm sorry but I don't think you're taking this seriously enough.” Yes ma’am we are taking this very seriously I have even spoken to my wife about admitting him to the psychiatric ward like she had to do before when he was uncontrollable.
Responding to Silver_Meteor’s concerns
“Simply set up a desk or table in the family room or a section of the living room and bring all of the kids computers out of the bedrooms and set them up here.”
All 3 of the pc’s are in the family room my wife’s computer (where he accessed the porn) his school pc and my daughter’s school pc as well as the laptop are all in there already .

I was talking to my wife about the incidents that occurred the first incident occurred about 6 months ago (again I apologize for the age issue she was 6 not 4 I know that is a big difference I clarified with my wife the age I could not truly remember but I thought she was four I was wrong on that point) the door was apparently not locked (my mistake again I thought she had said the door was locked when she had told me about the incident) for the last year Juliauna has had 2 rules in this house 1. If it is not yours do not touch it and 2. She was not allowed down the hall past the bathroom door. She constantly ignores both of them she has never been diagnosed with anything. And NO I am not laying any blame on her but what happened was they noticed she was in the bathroom longer than usual her mother went to find her no one was in the bathroom and jon’s bedroom (which he shares with his grandfather) door was closed she opened it and caught the tail end of Julie pulling her shorts up what actually happened we can only speculate neither child will tell us exactly what happened in that room.
(again I do sincerely apologize for my errors my wife re explained to me the events as she knew them to happen)

we have explained and explained and explained some more I am definately going to try alot of the suggestions I have read here and will definately check back often for any new suggestions concerns and will answer any questions you may have

the secret is, they would do an ip ping of the site and get the ip address, once they have that ip address they can get around the content filter and get right in. students at my high school would get right around the content filter of bess (n2h2) and even then that filter wasnt always accurite its no help when the pc itself has browser hijackers and spyware on it. the filter would also catch and block innocent stuff such as repair sites for fixing doors. i felt like asking whoever controls that n2h2 do they find anything sexual about door hardware (closers and hinges) instead of asking i waited till i got home or to technical school (were not even ebay was blocked) and looked up door repair stuff.



as for the porn on pc, MOVE THAT PC OUT OF THE BEDROOM and put it in a more "public" area of the house such as living or dining room or kitchen.


if you have already his machine in a public area and the porn was accessed on a sibling's or parent's pc set up user accounts on the computers and advise the users of the group of the pc's to password protect their pc and not tell anyone what their password (accept parent)

about your router or network hub, you can also set up parental controls or content blocking from there as well i know that my actiontec from verizon broadband services has were you can block program accessand websites on the spacific computers im not sure how effective it is being thats about only "parental controls" i have not test driven.

as for aol users, DONT THINK OF USING THAT ONE i test driven that, it gave wrong sites (that id not care to visit) on the parental report card of what was visited, who immed, and what emails i got,) even when i was on young teen setting (when i started internet long ago) i was getting pornographic spam!! ! yes and even them spammy imms too

(you probably know already) but to get into router just open ie or your browser and type in the ip address (usually 192.168.0.1, network gateway) or anything else that u may have assigned to it

hope its helped and please be sure to explain that viewing pornographic stuff on a computer can also ruin the computer because many pornographic sites have viruses and hidden bad things (explain in that way in his understanding, that computers can get sick too) and that porn is meant for adult eyes only and just basically explain that hes not old enough or mature enough to learn about sex and adult natured things.

One idea might be to have a computer (that has no internet access of any kind) that your son can use to play games on in his bedroom and then the computer with internet access is used only for schoolwork under parental supervision. Just a thought that popped into my head.

i do not want to make assumptions and i have not personally had it happen to me but i know that often times the sexual behavior described could stem from some molestation or abuse done to him. you mentioned he shared a room with his grandfather, and i don't know your family and am not accusing or anything, but that may be something to look into, whether it was/is grandpa or maybe even something thta happened when he was previously admitted to the hospital before (if i understood that correctly).
i know we often do not want to think of these things but just to put the thought in your head and maybe ask him if he has ever been asked to do that.
One of the many problems with pornography, is that it can become an addiction and pretty quickly due to the hormones released from sexual activity and males are visually stimulated. it can also give a hugely unrealistic view of sex in general, and if that is where he is learning about sex from that is so not healthy. Often people will graduate into harder levels of pornography, with bondage and rape etc, then be so caught up with the fantasies they "need" to act them out. i have read about saeveral rapeists who started out this way.
i know it can be really uncomfortable to talk to your kids about sex and stuff especially if it was never explianed to you but it is so important. you may also want to pick up a book to prepare yourself or even give it to him so he can get any other questions answered.
perhaps you may also want to look into getting him some private sessions with a psychiatrist or psychologist, he may share more when alone, than with the family.
i applaud your asking for help and advice in this situation i know it must be hard, and some of this may seem really harsh but it is so serious it is not a topic to mince words on.

I'd just like to note that in my training to work with children, we were told that no one but a professional should attempt to ask a child about suspected abuse. The reason for this is that many children (especially if pressed) will deliver the answers that they think the questioner wants, rather than the truth. A professional knows how to get the answers to these questions without planting suggestions or unwittingly showing a bias toward one answer or the other. Even then, mistakes are made.

"Flashing" is sexual abuse. Your daughter should see a therapist about this too. Men are arrested for "flashing" girls all the time, and the reason is because it is traumatic for the girls.

The fact that the cousin was 6 and not 4 does not ameliorate what happened in any way whatsoever.



Have the parents of the cousin whom he molested been informed in detail of what occurred, and have they sought therapy for her? Because until that happens, I don't think you're taking it seriously. Never, ever underestimate the damage sexual abuse can cause even when it is inflicted by another child. It is just as damaging as when an adult inflicts it.

Hi!
I have to say my first response to your post was "maybe this boy has been sexually exposed himself at some time" this needs to be looked into.

i certainly do not like you minimizing the fact that your daughter " was not sexually abused " by your son.......do not ever underestimate the effects of his behavior on the others that are around him........i sure hope that this will be addressed with your children's therapists.

this is going to be unpopular...but what about allowing your pre-teen son access to porn if he seeks it out? He is seeing quasi-porn everywhere anyhow...commercial tv, music videos, advertising...and as an early sexualized person, he appears to use this as an outlet. Just demand that he respect the rule of privacy...only self-gratify in private. If he chooses to deal with his sexual needs in a reasonable manner (meaning privately) , with an acceptable form of stimulation (and not turning to abusive, harmful ways of seeking stimulation like peeping, animal cruelty, or abuse), then give him the privacy he needs to develop into a healthy adult.

Now, about the sister and cousin who were involved in these incidents, they both need to have counselling. Any type of unwanted, unsolicited exposure to sexuality at an early age needs to be dealt with so that is does not leave any lasting damage. And you also want closure on the incidents...you do not want these girls as adults coming back on their family with accusations of abuse, and the lack of response to the abuse. Deal with everyone's well-being now, so that it doesnt become a life-altering occurence.

It appears to be pornography that gave him the idea to proposition his sister for oral sex in the first place. Giving him another helping of the same thing that spawned these distasteful and dangerous events doesn't seem like a wise move to me.

The following isn't directed at you, Deborah. They're just some semi-related thoughts.

If our culture is over-sexualized, I believe the healthiest response we can make as parents is to teach our children to be critical viewers, thinkers, and consumers. We should never tell them "It's just a part of life and we can't do anything about it, so just eat up what the media serves." Beyond the effect that this has on a child's intellectual development and his capacity for discernment, it also teaches him to believe that he has no control over his surroundings or his responses to those surroundings.

So many parents these days don't bother laying down rules because they think, "well, eventually they're going to do it anyhow" or "they'll find a way around it anyhow." That's so sad. I don't think that kind of fatalism has any place in child rearing. We're here to guide our children in the best way we know how, and that doesn't mean giving the nod to behaviors in which we'd rather they didn't engage, with the reasoning that they're going to do it sooner or later. With good, loving guidance maybe our kids won't do those things later.




I have the same tendency, so I know how it feels. I'm actually aspie myself and my son appears to be on the border between AS and NT. I remember, growing up, how important it was to me to have empathy from adults and explanations for the rules I was given. Yet this is very difficult for me to deliver in my role as a parent. My natural inclination is to "run a tight ship" and expect that my orders are followed. I have had to learn to empathize and I suspect that (especially in times of stress) it will never come naturally. Even with years of experience teaching children before I became a mother, I stil don't have the art of empathy perfected--not even close.

So there's some empathy for you. Keep trucking. You show incredible fortitude and it's obvious that you truly love your kids, so I know you'll find the answer to this problem and all the others that come along.

And while I do think that it's incredibly important to intervene now before things get worse, I think we need to keep events like these in perspective, too. You have a curious little boy with AS who has been disobedient and tried to emulate sexual acts he has seen. Most likely nobody is going to be scarred for life by the events you've described, so long as these happenings are not permitted to escalate into anything more serious or ongoing.

He's a CHILD. There is a matter of intent here, and he sounds like a curious, if misguided, kid. Calling him a predator is awfully harsh. This boy is not neurotypical for one thing, and likely has difficulty understanding a lot of what is going on here and what is right and wrong. He needs love, support and guidance at this point. The girls need to be protected from his curiosities too, he needs to know what is appropriate and what isn't, and until he does they are in a position where they need someone to ensure nothing happens that would be emotionally detrimental to any of the children.

Last edited by siuan on 30 Nov 2007, 12:10 am, edited 1 time in total.

I couldn't have said it better myself, this is really excellent advice.