Contemplating divorce or separation

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I agree, Space. Going for a divorce under the circumstances Laplantain gives will only let her and the rest of the family in for a world of hurt.

Her husband probably feels he can do nothing right so just gives up. He would be feeling the implied criticism that his family is a bunch of loonies. Anybody would find that upsetting, much less an aspie who is usually very sensitive to criticism at the best of times.

I'm concerned that this boy is learning that his father is an inferior person and by implication himself, as he has a similar condition to his father. He is obviously intelligent and it's amazing how much children pick up on unspoken "vibes" around the place.

I think going to visit with such a small child and so many tensions is a recipe for disaster. Not anybody's fault but even travelling with a 4 year old with no issues can be stressful.

Marriage counselling will only work if the counsellor has experience with asperger's and will not automatically blame either of the partners for the problems. Unfortunately, some counsellors always blame the father and this would be an utter disaster in this case.

An aspie partner is often lacking in confidence, finds noise and arguments stressful, and would rather not have to be drawn into conflicts. If they have the further impediment of being brought up by parents with mental illness, their problem solving skills are likely to be seriously impaired. This is not their fault and playing the blame game only makes matters worse.

Surely unless the husband is actively abusive and hostile, it would be worse being truly alone. He must have some redeeming points. It seems as if the little boy is picking up on all the tension and this is making him act up.

Even if it means dropping some of the treatments in order to afford to pay for counselling, provided the counsellor is a good one, I think it would be well worth it. Even though a child is very important, I think sorting things out with the spouse is even more important still.

well i have to agree that a marraige is worth fighting for.
i wonder if your husband has trouble realting to your son and therefore distances himself and becomes unavailable because he doesn't know how to cope with it all.
Maybe try sitting down and having a talk with im about it.
perhaps you could try just going out for a coffee date or something every week or two just to reconnect and talk with each other.
Also you may bea ble to look into counsellors with a sliding scale for payments and be able to explain the costs associated with your son's treatments and see if you can get a reduced rate.
Divorce makes a mess of things and should be a last resort, i agree that it could mean moving and huge changes to routine and added stress for you likely. aside from the moving thing that's what it's been like for me. and if Dad can't cope with him how good would you feel when it's his turn to stay at Dad's. by no means is that a reason to stay, but it is something to consider.
Feeling like you are alone when you're not is so frustrating especially raising kids on your own without help, but try to see the positive things he does, and praise him for that things may change with you two. And telling him how you are feeling and explaining why you feel that way and let him tell you hus side back is pretty important, no offense, but most guys just don't get it often and don't understand why you're so upset about stuff that doesn't matter to them as much. My Ex and I just recently got into it about something and it was a matter of different perspectives, and how i saw things was different from the way hew saw it. holding it in won't help. at least if you're honest and upfront then you know you've done what you could and it's then his choice as to how he deals with that but you need to spell things out, what you want, what you need, and what you feel you're not getting.
Different circumstances and cultures may hinder this and i don;t know much about you but i know i've done a lot of reading and recieved counselling about this stuff and i know it often comes down to communication issues.
oddly enough my ex and i have better communication now than we did before (too bad about the other woman though. ) but i have nothing to lose with him at this point and it seems like neither do you.
if you really feel the need for a breal, maybe get away by yourself for a girls weekend or something if possible or get away for a weekend with your hubby and try to reconnect, many places offer couples weekends, i know many churches do and even if you are not religious the basic principles offered would be worth while.

sorry this is so long, i really hope it helps, and i hope for all the best with your family.

It's quite common for aspies to take in written information better than verbal so maybe writing something like "I feel angry and hurt when your relatives criticise me and our son and you don't tell them to stop" could help (but do also make a point of praising him when he does something that you like).