hubby with ADHD?

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wsmac
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30 Dec 2007, 6:29 pm

katrine wrote:

Well.
Thanks again for a lot to think about. You are quite right my husband is tired of me always saying he does things the wrong way, he says he wants to feel appreciated. Hearing it from someone else is really good, because it makes sense and I don't have a lot of feelings involved.

Well, I think it speaks volumes about who you are, when you go looking for ways to make things better.
It seems like this issue has been one in which both you and your husband have been isolated.
Not having other people to share with who have similar experiences, can make it much more difficult to get a good grasp on what is really going on, sometimes.

I'm hoping there are more women here who have similar experiences like yours, who will share their stories too.
And hopefully some of the folks who have posted here already will wade back in.

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Pandora
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30 Dec 2007, 7:13 pm

laplantain wrote:

Hi Katrine,
That was my thread on separation.

I can understand your frustration, as messiness and poor planning is also an issue for my husband. Just from what you said in your post, I wouldn't make that big a deal out of it if it's just that. There are other things that could be waaay worse, I speak from person experience.

Is he a good father and husband?

The reason I wrote that thread is that I really think that my son would be better off without him in the house. They do not get along. My son tests him and he doesn't respond, so his behavior gets worse and worse. My son has had a running fear of statues, and he has asked his father a few times if he was a statue because he just stares into space. When my husband checks out for a few days, our son gets really tantrumy. My husband is like a black hole because he will suck all the joy out of a room by just walking in without saying anything and staring at us, or sitting in a corner and startling us by moving because we have forgotten that he is there.

If your husband is like that, then I would definitely say or do something. But if he were just a disorganized goof, like I thought mine used to be, then I would just leave it be. I try to keep the kitchen, living room, bathrooms, and our son's room as clean as possible, but the main bedroom is stacked with his boxes, trash, clothes, shoes, old socks, etc. I really can't keep up with him and the baby, so if he wants to live in squalor I just let him. I just plan around him, and he follows along if he wants. Otherwise, if I waited for him, we would never get out the door.

Or maybe that attitude is what got me in trouble in the first place. But if I brought up things like that, then we would be discussing our problems into the next century.

So what do I know? I just wanted to explain my thread. I don't want to put ideas out there that don't need to be out there. We have serious, serious issues. I hope that you don't. I guess I just posted that here because I am really at the end of my rope. It doesn't really have that much to do with Aspergers issues at all.

From what I see, your poor husband is overwhelmed and goes statue-like because he doesn't know what else he can do. I sense you blame your husband for your boy's tantrums. Your husband isn't to blame. Your boy can't have everything he wants the way he wants because real life isn't like that. Other people will get cross and resistant.

Think what will happen when he grows up. Other people won't make very many allowances. Society is not kind to people who are different in any way. I'm not saying don't make allowances but be careful not to make so many that your boy expects them as a matter of course because he will be in for a rude awakening.

It's not uncommon for dads and kids not to get along but it's not fair to make your husband the baddie in all this. He probably could parent better but no doubt he senses he is not number 1 in your affections. It's not common when a child is disabled that one parent will side with them against the other parent but it's not a healthy situation for anybody involved.

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BugsMom
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31 Dec 2007, 6:49 pm

BugsMom wrote:
My husband is pretty certain that he has ADHD, although he hasn't been officially diagnosed. He functions pretty well with it now, but had a terrible time as a child.

Does he function better solely because he has a 'package' to put it all in?
I have heard some folks say that... now because they know what is going on with them, they have something to deal with instead of always questioning whether their thoughts/feelings/actions were just made up and they should 'just straighten up and do the right things'

I do think having a "package" to put it in helped my husband somewhat. He went to a strict grade school in the '70s and was considered to be the "hyperactive kid who didn't apply himself". One of his teachers even told him that he was mentally challenged (using the derogatory term). I know that he wishes he had received some help as a child.

He still has a tendency to start projects and not finish them, and he really has to focus on keeping himself from getting distracted, but he is doing well with his job .

wsmac
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31 Dec 2007, 10:13 pm

Glad to hear he can work things out so well, BugsMom.

I'm going a bit loopy lately because of this whole Christmas/Winter break/vacation stuff.
I have also had a few days off from work and without the structure of work and school... I sorta lose my bearings! :help: :compress:

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gbollard
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01 Jan 2008, 5:10 am

Quote:

I'm going a bit loopy lately because of this whole Christmas/Winter break/vacation stuff.
I have also had a few days off from work and without the structure of work and school... I sorta lose my bearings! help compress

Yay!! !! !

Only 9 hours until work.....

at last I can be free of these children.... (not you guys...

my own kids).

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katrine
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01 Jan 2008, 9:42 am

I'm feeling pretty loopy myself. I need a vaccation from my family Work will do, though.
My son had his first meltdown in about 6 months today - nothing as vicious or destructive as they used to be, but a meltdown none the less, so I figure he'll be pleased to go back to school tomorrow. He was exhausted - New Year'
s morning (We're on Cental European time), kids get to stay up til midnight New Year's eve here in Denmark. He fixated on one of those awful party hooter things and was blowing it LOUD, and simply couldn' t stop doing it. It was obsessive. And I just couldn't take the noise. We ended up taking it away from him, which led to the meltdown.
Now I've installed everybody in their own rooms for 1/2 an hour and am enjoying the p & q.
Hubbie seems to be thining about ADD and is surprisingly cheery. Maybe it is a relief?
I can't thank you enough for the good advice.

wsmac
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01 Jan 2008, 2:30 pm

Glad to hear you survived the new year's celebration.
Sorry to hear about the meltdown.

Glad to hear about your hubby.

Happy to have offered something you found some benefit in.

If you husband continues to seek out more information on ADD/HD, even going to the point of being 'tested' himself, perhaps you'll keep us posted?... if it's not too personal, that is.

And remember... while you all are trying to figure out your husband's particular/unique traits... be sure to take good care of yourself as well! :wink:

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