When do the little things stop hurting?

Post Reply New Topic

My sons aren't small anymore. I've had time to adjust to how much affection they can handle. I watch them for cues. If they are having a bad day, I stand near them but not too close. If they want to touch me or give me a hug, they will. I've learned that other things show their affection just as strongly.

My youngest son doesn't look anyone but me in the eye. When we're talking or joking around and he locks eyes with me, I know that is the greatest measure of how much he feels about his mom. I couldn't ask for anything more from him.

My oldest son doesn't talk about his emotions but I occasionally find a note or card in my room thanking me for something that I've said or done. I give him a pat on the shoulder the next time I see him. If I get a hug, great. If not, I have a note. It's all precious.

My oldest son is that way, he hates hugs and kisses and has made a "rule" that we can only hug and/or kiss him if we ask first! Then he will usually allow it But he likes his hugs to be deep pressure then he is usually okay with it. Also whenever I would kiss him on his cheek he would instinctively brush it off, so we have sort of made a game out of it, if I see him do it then I would say "Did you wipe my kiss away?" and then he giggles and says yes, so I kiss him on his head and I tell him my kiss is stuck in his hair and he likes that. He is so funny though, because I will kiss his cheek at night after he is asleep and he will more times than not brush it away in his sleep too!

My youngest son however craves any and all touch and he can't get enough hugs and kisses!

So, I talked to E about it today. He said he always likes hugs, and climbed (backwards) on my lap to snuggle. I think he just needs to feel braced and protected, rather than open, when he's about to get a hug.

At least I know that I was right and he does want the hugs, rather than dread them.

When I read this I had an immediate and strong reaction. The idea of someone wrapping me in a blanket prior to hugging me is terrifying. It just makes a bad situation worse.

There are times that I want hugs (rare), time that I can tolerate hugs and times when i am distressed and need help but am just so overloaded sensorily that any touch will blow my nervous system apart.

I love hugging my dogs but sometimes that is even too much so they tend to curl up against my back and that works pretty well.

I can never seem to get enough back scratching though - hard - or deep tissue massage, pretty much anywhere, as long as it is really firm. Trouble is I wear people out and can get quite bruised in the process but it feels so good.

Is it that you need the hug or that your son does? Asking first is a good idea, and I have an agreement with my family members and friends that if they ask for a hug or affection I will do my best to comply. Seems like a good compromise, and helps us all with communication.

When my girls were little, we used to hug and cuddle a lot. I really miss that, but due to various circumstances, I haven't seen so much of them for several years. My older daughter is more of a hugger than my younger one.

I hope I am not intruding and misunderstanding your post as a call for emotional support rather than hopefully usefull suggestions.

If that is the case, take the pre-emptive apology of an Aspie, but I am a touch aversive and have some small things to say that I think will help...

EXPERIMENT! I craved the connection that I thought a hug was supposed to provide. However hugs never provided what I wanted and in the end became very annoying. Now, don't get your hopes down, if there is one thing I have learned is that all spectrumies are different.

Just try different ways of doing it. Ask your son perhaps to experiment or how he thinks he can get that connection. You have to find some way that makes your son feel that connection. You may have to learn to love that, rather than a traditional hug. I don't know your son or his particulars. I myself still don't know how to get that connection with another human being, but try different ways. Try a blanket, try different ways of grabbing your son. Maybe just on the shoulders, sitting in your lap, lying next to each other, upside down in a commercial refrigerator... just try different ways.

As a touch aversive I hope you can find a way for your son to have that human connection, it is really something that I wish I knew how to do.

Apart from that, I hope you do well. And remember that even if your son does not like to hug or hug at that particular time, he still loves you, and would like that connection.

Maybe just let him come to you when he wants contact. That way, he has some feeling of control.

Izaak, your post was 100% exactly what I needed. Thanks so much!

Last edited by nicurn on 07 Jan 2008, 8:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

I'm glad I could help

I have sensory issues and as an adult I love 'bear hugs' and strong, deep massage, but hate being lightly brushed or stroked, a feeling I call 'nesh'. It makes my skin crawl and feel almost sore. I'm definitely like a cat. I love hugs when I want one but hate it when I'm not in the mood as they can make me tense up. I feel sorry for my Mum as I was also like this as a kid. I'd let her have a quick hug then I'd tense up and lean away from her. I'm very affectionate, but it has to be on my terms.

My mom always seems to want a hug, but I do the same thing your son does- turn to the side and stand stiffly. I know she wants to be hugged back, but it's uncomfortable. I wish she'd quit asking for a "good" hug, it makes me feel bad and inadequate. A warm squishy hug isn't a "good" hug for me; I try to compromise.

When I was a kid my mom would turn down the thermostat(so I wouldn't get hot) put a pillow on her lap so I could lay down, and put a soft blanket over me and rest her hand on my shoulder. I was never a big hugger, but I miss that. I guess it wasn't just a kid thing, because sometimes when I'm stressed I go to her house and I'll lay on the couch by her. My mom was a pretty large lady too, so that helped. So I guess my advice is eat a lot of good rich food, gain a lot of weight, or use a pillow, and cuddle, don't squeeze or rub, soft movement is good, but not too soft(I'm extremely ticklish) It's worth a try.