Denial of AS

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Because they are struggling so hard and saying they're freaks and will never get it right or will never fit in. Both drink quite a bit and I am very concerned about that. It's an escape and a way to feel momentarily better.

The one still lives at home. The other gets in these rages and fights while out drinking. He said he thinks he's losing his mind recently to me and is thinking about going to a shrink.

It just hurts me to see them struggling so badly and I fear for worse - like injury or worse in a fight or in a drunken state or possibly considering ending their own life. It seems to me that if they could understand what AS is (and what it isn't) they would understand themselves so much more and stop feeling so lost and freakish. I had such a relief and feeling of understanding when I found out. It has literally changed my life and how I feel about myself, and how I cope with the world.

Instead of beating myself up over and over and trying to force myself into a 'normal' situation, I just say now "That's one of those things that tend to make me overwhelmed with too much stimulus. I'm just not going to go." And it's okay. I just feel like now I have permission to stop banging my head against the wall and it's okay to create some boundaries. There's a real reason for those boundaries, it's not just because I'm a loser and I messed up again.

Does that makes sense?

EXACTLY - you understand what I'm saying.

Thank you for the book recommendation. I will get it.

Ok, now I can see where you were going with this - sorry..

I really don't know what you can do about drinking - I've tried to stop friends from drinking but once they get into the habit, it's very difficult to break. Usually the friendship breaks long before the drinking habit - because they won't tolerate anyone suggesting they should stop drinking.

so... Unless you feel endowed with Super-Powers, I'd recommend you ignore the drinking problem for a little while and concentrate on the "freak" aspect.

ie: If you could convince them that there are lots of people who feel and act similarly, it would be a good start. Best if you don't follow that with "and that's why you're drinking too much". Hopefully if they can feel comfortable with themselves, it might help.

Don't know how you'd achieve this with adults - a therapy group?
a nerdy club? Do they have special interests?

I guess what I'm trying to say is their self destructive and unhappy behaviors is what leads me to try and explain about AS to them, and I don't see that it's possible to help them quit the self destructive stuff as long as the underlying problem isn't addressed.

It seems to me that the underlying problem is AS. Every day as they feel they don't fit in or have another run in with someone or make another bad decision, contributes to feeling bad about themselves and causes them to turn to more self destructive behavior.

Maybe you can't grasp that, Gavin, because your kids are small. My 24 year old lives here at home and I don't see any way that's going to change. He has never lived on his own. He did live with some 'buddies' for a little while but they really took advantage of him. When he works, he gets paid and buys things for everyone else, gives his money to anyone who asks (and they all asked) and would be broke within hours.

They're both very nice people generally, the one at home is very calm and very laid back. He plays video games all of his spare time. He works in a small shop as the only clerk. It's quiet and there is little traffic.

I didn't mean to get into each bit of detail about my particular sons, more I was asking why AS is so upsetting to some and if there is a way to make it less so. It just puzzled me to get the negative reaction when my own reaction was very positive and full of relief to find out.

The AS may not be the underlying problem of their destructive ways. I say that because I'm looking at the people I know who have 19-26 yr olds and their adult children have so many problems. Not wanting to work, not wanting to leave home, etc.... None of them are on the spectrum. I know a man who is almost 40 (underemployed), drinks too much, lives with parents, no control over his money and he doesn't have AS, far from it.

I understand what you're trying to say - that there are people who are not AS who have problems. But these two are AS, so it doesn't seem to match your argument.

The one living at home actually I don't think is AS but is on the spectrum, he is not very high functioning. It seems impossible to just ignore the fact that he's autistic and address his problems as if he were not. I've heard that from people all of his life - that if I disciplined him more he'd 'shape up'. If I threw him out he'd 'pull it together and be fine'. I took that advice several years ago and did throw him out. It absolutely broke my heart.

He left, no argument, he was just stunned and very quiet. Then he walked - all day and most of the night. He had big blisters on his feet and was sunburned everywhere next time I saw him. He sat in a stairwell of a building for hours, then walked some more. The next night he came back and found a way to get into our garage and slept there (we didn't know this) and then came around tapping on the windows asking his sister to let him in to use the bathroom and get something to eat. She did, he left and just sat in the backyard for the rest of the day. I could go on but you get the picture. Throwing out an NT kid may make them 'shape up', cause them to go find a friend who will let them sleep on their couch, get a job, get with it. It did none of those things for this kid. We took him back in as soon as we realized.

I understand what you're saying about the discipline thing. I hear that all the time about my son and it makes me angry . I don't know if my son can live on his own. He washed out of public school in the second grade and we were forced into homeschooling. I told him about autism at that time and he thought the label was pretty cool.

The story about kicking your youngest out, makes me cry. I still would try to get the alcohol away from him. It makes a person depressed.

If my son can't get independent at some point in his 20's, I would look into a group home for him. He doesn't have a sibling or cousins. He's an only child, only grandchild. I'm not living forever.

Have you tried getting a social worker for the one who still lives at home? (i'm actually skeptical of social services since we found public school to be so disappointing) But, maybe there is a resource where you live.

I think you might be right there...

I hope mine never grow up.

Good luck.

I'm sorry about your son but I'm glad he at least understands about autism and accepts that. It does make a difference.

The point about social services - it really doesn't matter if there are any available or not (I don't even know if there are) because he would never go along with seeing someone. That's where the denial comes in. He doesn't need help, he doesn't need anything, there's nothing wrong with him, if you talk to him about why he is still living at home at this age he'll tell you it's just for now until he gets a couple more paychecks (ignoring that all the others disappeared) or he gets upset and swears he'll do better. He's only behind now because of this.... or because of that.... but the big picture is what's missing. Those things will always be a problem as long as he thinks they are indepedent of one another and refuses to see that he has a problem understanding how to handle money, or how to interpret time.

If you say to a blind person "I'll drive because you know, you are blind" and they say "No I'm not, I'll drive" If they truly are blind, that's just not going to work. That's how I feel sometimes. I offer to help him manage his next paycheck and he says No Way, he doesn't need any help. And it disappears. He started a bank account but has had overdrafts each week since and they're about to close it down. He's paid out most of the last check in bank fees. When we discussed it he had a reason for the problem and it wouldn't happen again, but it did. And again. And again. Each time, different reason, needs no help.

This is sad to say but his father and I have always said we wished he was either much more functional (preferable) or if not that, a bit less. If he were a bit less it would be more obvious that he had to have help. At this point he's right in the middle where he can refuse the help but he's not managing well.

Earthmom, I'm sorry to read about your son. I really am

And while I am not a parent per se. I can understand the whole thing about discipline. Since I've started to learn about AS, I started to understand how my needs were different from others, but I needed to learn about it first.

On account of AS, for example, I learned that I would not do well to have a roommate. I would need a place pretty much to myself.

You, being seen as the parent, get stuff that isn't true about disciplining your child. I, being AS, hear the lie about being lazy.

The point is that I've felt like I've had to kind of raise myself, mainly because I didn't have a voice at all regarding how I was raised as a child. The result, of course, wound up with me being a little over-protected, unable to make any decisions of my own, unable to make up my own mind (because anyone that didn't agree with my dad was "wrong"), etc.

Basically, I had to start finding my own way to figure out how to make it on my own, since the ways I was being force-fed flopped when I became an adult.

While I'm not living on my own yet, I have managed to hold a job for almost a year, and I believe that the only obstacle to living on my own is finding my own place.

I did want to say that I am not in favor of moving into a group-home, though. For some reason, I seem to do my best as far as learning how to establish myself when I am pretty much left alone.

I've found that very few people understand AS as much as I do, the result being that I am given to being stereotyped. I cannot count how many times I was told that my own dreams (ie- dream job) were not realistic, I would not be able to hold them if I had them, and that I should just accept something else. For example, I did want to become a pastor of sometype, or a social worker, only to be told that that would require too much interaction with other people by someone that actually didn't even know me.

I guess my point is that denying that I am AS is easy, so I have done it before. But it is not beneficial. I guess what helped me was

1) time to let it all sink in
2) realizing that being considered AS never makes a person inferior
3) learning to be proud of it.
4) learning about other people (ie-reading biographies). That not only helped me see how they were unique, but also to understand other people and to understand myself. I've figured out that reading about people that, say, do similiarly strange things helps me to understand my own emotions.

Also, I was once taught to examine how everything makes me feel and why. While there have been many dead ends, this enabled me to decrease the type of things that make me sad or depressed (or anxiety ridden and frustrated) and increase activities that make me calm or happy.

I know my posts here are long, but I do hope they help.

I think we tend to post about the same length.

Thank you for your help.

hahahaha

btw, did I mention that I love to write?

and chat?

How did he open a bank account? Did he do it on his own or did you have to take him over there? How does he handle the overdrafts? There's a fine line between enabling a person and helping a person. Maybe you can find a therapist for yourself. Find someone who is knowledgeable on autism and aspergers and they can give you strategies for teaching life skills to your son (even though he's resistent to it).

If he can't pick up some of the slack, then it will fall on your other children to care for their brother for the rest of their days and that is unfair to them. In my situation, I don't mind so much that my son is an only child. It really has lit a fire under me to get him to where he can survive on his own. I have met adult independent people living with all kinds of disabilities. I even know a lady who lives alone (with limited assistance) and she's mentally ret*d.

He opened the account on his own. I don't understand what you mean by how does he handle the overdrafts? The bank has called here for him, his account has been debited for overdraft fees and when he gets paid he puts in the next check and most of it gets eaten up with fees.

I also don't understand your comment that if he can't pick up the slack (for himself?) it will fall to his siblings. They are mostly gone and onto their own lives, so they aren't involved in helping with him at all.

Nevermind. I think you feel like I'm beating up on you and that's not my intention. I hope things work out for your kids.

I think what she's saying is that if he doesn't pay off his debts, the bank will look to his siblings to pay it off for him.