Discipline: What is acceptable?

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I think most As children respond well to clear boundaries and well spelled out consequences. However, my observation is that "strict" parenting is not always consistent with "clear boundaries" and "well spelled out consequences." And therein lies the problem. A parent may be "harsh" in the effort to provide structure, and in the process (a) try to suppress all natural behavior or (b) not make the rules clear. If a child is developing fear from the strict environment, it is not strict, but harsh.

We have friends who are much like the OP's parents. I adore their kids. But I've also observed something: the parents pick their battles. When we spent a day with them, years ago when their children were young (before ours were born), and were outside watching a play in the heat, they allowed the little ones to play with water and a plastic fork in daddy's hair. When we wanted to chat in the parking lot, they allowed the children to run circles around us, as long as they kept their voices down. So, while the parents have rules that I would not have picked, and issue consequences different than I would choose, they also are smart enough to recognize that their children will, at times, need to be children.

My son thrived when he had a very strict, conservative Christian nanny. She was very clear on her rules, she was consistent in their application, and she had time scheduled every day where they would get to do favorite things together, be silly, and what not.

Structure is good. But too many people who advocate it don't seem to really understand what it means. For those who do, I have nothing but praise. I've seen it in action. It can be beautiful.

Balance.

Tuning into the unique needs of each child.

These remain part and parcel of raising children, regardless of everything else you choose to layer.

I certainly agree with consistency, having clear expectations and predictable consequences, but I too, recoil from the word "discipline" because of my own punishment-heavy, stressed out childhood. My parents made it clear that they loved me and were not abusive, but the standards that they were trying to hold me to were way too high. This created constant frustration, guilt and a deep sense of failure and shame. It also created anger, and I acted out big time in my adolescent/teen years.

So while I agree that kids benefit from structure and consistency, I also think that we have to be sensitive to the individual needs and abilities of our children. I think it's also important to be flexible, responsive and realistic.

There are many factors that contribute to whether or not a child will "behave" in addition to parenting style and parental expectations. My sons can be absolutely delightful when they are engaged in the activity at hand, well rested, well fed and in good health. They can rise to the occasion most of the time even when they are bored, tired, nervous etc. But if they are overwhelmed by noises, textures, lights, too many people etc. they will behave very poorly. There are times when I can see them struggling to meet the social expectations in a certain setting, but simply cannot...other people may perceive this as them being "bratty" and our parenting skills being lax, but we know that they have simply reached their limits.

I also agree that temperament plays a role too. One of my sons really needs firm boundaries or he quickly spirals out of control, the other really struggles with anxiety and feelings of guilt and sadness and he does his best when he has room to make mistakes without censure and receives lots and lots of encouragement.

It sounds like the OP's parents really got it right and provided them with a style of parenting that really worked well for them, but I guess my point is that the same style wouldn't necessarily be best for every other child, AS or NT.