What's the scoop on why eye contact is hard? Just curious.

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For years I thought I was defective, because eyecontact is so difficult for me. After reading material on differing dx I believe it has something to do with the focus factor. I believe as we tend to get over focused on whatever subject we like that same nueral tendancy occurs with eyecontact. And having a very sensitive system fear is created and panic sets in and as this cycle continues to occur and becomes imprinted behavior.

Btw Thanks for the link. I believe they are finally on to something

I remember reading an article reporting a resarch study that showed how, among AS people, eye contact triggered, in terms of neurophysiological activation, the so called "fight-or-flight" response. I guess it's related to our different brain wiring, probably eye contact causes some over-activation in some "emotions area". As far as I am concerned all I can say is that, even if I have improved a lot, it always feels unnatural, fake. Is just a matter of practice ? I don't know...

I've come to the conclusion that I have no social defenses. Eye contact is too intimate. I also have anxiety that someone will say something to me and I won't know what they mean or I won't know what to say back, so I avoid getting talked to by avoiding eye contact.

When I am talking to someone, I make eye contact (stare) while listening, but look away when I am speaking. I think I can't process the visual input of seeing a person at the same time as creating speech (which is arduous and complex for me).

This is an interesting subject, which has become an issue just today.

Usually my 12 year old has fairly good eye contact and so I haven't really made a big deal about this.

Today we went to his school to kind of walk him through his schedule and make sure he feels like he knows where his classes are. Some teachers were there, and so we all got to meet them. For the first time in a long time, I noticed my son having trouble with eye contact when meeting some of these teachers. It was just interesting to observe, not something I'm all that concerned with. I just wonder if it's something that happens in novel situations (meeting somebody new) or stressful situations (at school).

Wow. You have all been sooooooo helpful and I really appreciate the great feedback. Seems like the general consensus is it's an anxiety issue.
I'm not going to force my son to make eye contact. He is going to start to see an ASD specialist who works with teens with Aspergers on social skills. Maybe they'll work on that. Maybe not. Whatever.
I think it's interesting that one poster said you need to make eye contact to flirt. My son is still too shy to flirt, but I wonder if they'll cover flirting in social skills class...lol. Anyone go to a social skills class? Any good?
All of the kids have Aspergers. I see my son trying to reach out to people, but struggling a bit and I want to help him. I hope I"m not pushing too hard with this group. In general, I don't talk about it with him too much because I don't want to put pressure on him. Sometimes I wonder how he feels seeing his sister, who is very social, always out with her friends. Sometimes I wonder if he's lonely. Often, I think he doesn't want anything to do with that sort of busy, busy social life and is happiest just hanging at home with the family and his computer

Oh, wanted to add that son is very quiet. If I ask him if he's lonely he says, "no." But he won't elaborate. Or he'll shrug. He doesnt seem depressed or anything. It's hard to know what's on his mind because he doesn't share.

When we've told people about Heidi's AS diagnosis the most common first response we get is "but she has good eye contact".

I also find when anybody starts talking to me about eye contact then I start staring them in the eye and can't look away.

We've done the social skills classes until about age 10. They did work on eye contact, I think. I think these social skills are very individualized, so what one program will do, another may not. We stopped social skills classes after a while because the boys in the class would make jokes that nobody off of the spectrum would understand, and they LOVED the jokes, but if any of them tried the jokes with NT's outside of the class, they would have received strange looks. It kind of defeated the purpose after a while.

As far as your son(s) feeling lonely while watching an NT sibling (especially a sister) be extra-social and going out all of the time, think of this -- most boys, NT or not, are not so inclined to be social. My oldest son (we think may have been on the spectrum as a young child, but kind of evolved so that his AS characteristics aren't that obvious), NEVER went out. When he was fifteen, he had SOME social activity. At sixteen, he had a little more, but not much. At seventeen, he had TONS of social activities and a girlfriend. The change was amazing.

I think we should not worry too much about the difference between a boy and a girl and their social lives -- girls will almost ALWAYS have more activities. They are usually much more social animals.

I was feeling somewhat guilty all summer long because I only arranged social activities a few times with one of my younger son's friends -- I felt I should have done something once a week. Last week he went to a birthday party with some of his good friends from school, and his best friend complained about how boring his summer was, and how he couldn't wait for school to start. This is a very social child, with an older and younger brother. I was under the impression that he was just bored and wanted to see friends -- but did he call anybody? No. Did my son think to call him over the summer? No. They are just boys. Contacting each other often doesn't occur to them.

don't worry, he's not lonely, I can tell you he would probably prefer being alone.

I remember one Aspie posting on another forum that trying to make eye-contact created sensory overload, too much information, too much to process. That trying to make reasoned conversation AND eye contact at the same time is simply too much to do. Each requires different and separate mental processing for her.

My son actually enjoys making eye contact, but it's like a thing all of itself. He searches you, and focuses on that. Amazingly intense. When he is sharing his most interesting and insightful ideas, his eyes will go unfocused into the distance, as if he is seeing the information he is sharing posted on a distant wall. Talking and looking are, for him, very different activities.

it all goes back to mammalian instincts. Its hard for NTs to do 2, but not as hard. The reason is that the eyes are "windows to the soul". How this actually works is eye contact activates mirror neurons.
I can only speak for myself when i say that everybody has their own devil inside, and, most peoples are ugly.

When you have transhuman perspective, it can be hard to look. Perhaps even harder is being looked into.

Eye contact is very intimate. Intimacy for anybody can be a bother if its not done in proper time in a way that respects boundaries and such. NT culture is crazy, space invasive, and etc.

Its them, not us. They suppress instincts. Gorilla eye contact can start a fight. Same thing on the streets of any major city.
Think about it.

Aspies don't do eye contact for the same reason NTs don't greet each other by touching each others genitals.

glad to be useful...

A couple of years ago I read about a study that was done on kids with autism and "facial expressions"...What they actually concluded was that it was NOT that kids with autism could not read facial expressions, and thus didn't really care to look at people's faces...what they found was that by "just looking at the eyes" they could tell the "mood" of the person, and thus could actually see "beyond" the facial expression...therefore, it was too much and they looked away...

Interesting, huh? Imagine if as you walked and saw people everyday, although everyone walked around with a "smile" or somewhat happy face, you could actually see they were "sad, hopeless, etc..." You would not look at them either...

Anyway, just though I'd post...I have noticed that my son does really well with some people and with others he does not. I do believe this has alot to do with it. I believe he can see beyond that facial expression and know what someone is truly feeling...thus I never correct him when he doesn't look people in the face...

I'll see if I can find that study...