"I'm BORED!! ! What am I going to do???"

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Go for a ride? What planet are you living on because it's certainly not wrong planet. A 9 year old aspie male wanting to go for a ride instead of video games or internet?! LOL! Hell will freeze over before that day occurs.

Oh, you've got that right!! ! At least with Billy. If we have plans that involve leaving the apartment (and thus the computer), he will often resist. We try to give him plenty of warning, though.

i was not suggesting that the boy would want to go for a ride- just that sometimes you need to think about the fact that you might want to do something else other than sit in the house......

Yep, and it can be a battle.

Think of those battles as investments. It was around age 9 that my son really developed his love for hiking. Around age 10 he got comfortable riding a bike and fell in love with that. Also at 10 he learned to snow ski. Offer any of these activities and he's away from the computer and all homebound obsessions in a flash. When he was 8 I was doubtful that might ever happen, but it did.

He also loves nature centers and science museums. Always has on those, as long as we can avoid the crowds.

how about legos?
reading books?
origami?

He needs to have them pointed out to him, and he will usually pick one... or get really angry and tantrum-ish if he doesn't want to do any of those because he wants to use the computer and start into his usual "You hate me! You don't care about me! Why don't you just throw me out the window?" and other such overly dramatic pity party I-need-to-be-the-center-of-the-universe crap that gets old really fast.

I am SO glad that my AS child doesn't have this trait. It's my NT daughter who pulls that one. With her, it's a combination - she really IS that insecure, BUT she also knows how to manipulate.

Yeah, I'm thinking it is more of a manipulation thing than an Aspie thing. His mom and I are thinking of implementing a "from your own words" consequences system, within reason obviously. "Why don't you just throw me outside!" will translate into "Go to your room," whereas "Fine! I just won't use the computer at all for the rest of the day!! !" when asked to take a break will indeed mean no more computer for the rest of the day.

Another thing I've noticed with him is he likes to mimic authority figures and gets bent out of shape when said authority is proven invalid in his hands. Example, his mom likes to drink Mountain Dew. Her mom, who they live with, will often comment on how Mountain Dew isn't good for her. Me, I'm a Diet Pepsi man... or "nectar" as I call it. Billy will often roll his eyes and say something like "You and your pop! You know that isn't good for you!" mimicking his grandma's attitude with his mom. I pointed out the other day that the pop I drink is DIET, and that it is no worse than the Vanilla / Strawberry / Chocolate sugared milk that he drinks. This sent him into a tizzy the other day, as he took it as me saying "All milk is bad and Billy is a bad kid for drinking it."

I tried to walk him through his flawed logic, but he just wasn't getting it. He eventually just tuned out, so we are back to the "You and your pop!" countered by "Its better than your flavored milk!"

And yes, I know he is just wanting to exert some power in the relationship, but I refuse to give him a foothold.

be careful with the "in your own words" method of consequences......yes, he's being histrionic. but you are the adults who need to realize that he is overreacting. you are the adults who need to discipline fairly - this is not to say that you are not currently disciplining fairly- just saying, that a whole day without the computer may be way too drastic of a consequence......
when we were at the beginning of son's dx ( he was 14), son's therapist decided that we should try letting son come up with consequences for behaviors that we wanted to extinguish- he was capable enough to realize that he needed help extinguishing thes behaviors. at any rate, son's idea of a suitable punishment was way too drastic in our opinion. we were able to dialogue with him & discuss more realistic punishments. son's initial idea was that he would be without the computer for a week for a minor infraction. we were able to help him figure out a more reasonable consequence- a night without the computer for a minor infraction. this system worked for us.
it helps if the consequence has a direct correlation to the behavior. for instance, if he refuses to get off the computer, then his consequence should have something to do with the computer..........just a thought, have you tried using a kitchen timer to help him be more aware of time ? son would always have a more difficult time ending tasks when he had little awareness of how much time he still had. we began giving him a verbal warning 15 minutes prior to him having to get off the computer. you might find that a timer works better than a verbal warning- after all, it's the timer telling him to get off the computer, and not you
nowadays, son has become much more flexible - for the most part....some days, he reverts to his younger self. for us, this is a sign that he's: had a bad day at school, missed his meds, or both....

I guess it never came to you, that it's unreasonable for any child to feel like that. How about you buy him his own computer, if you can afford it. Why should a child need to say they hate their parent and discuss suicidal ideologies to get the attention and love they deserve?

He is being manipulative by going into "martyr mode". He gets PLENTY of love and attention. And he is used to ALWAYS getting his own way, which used to be far too often. Grandma had a policy of "What baby wants, baby gets". Now, as he's getting older, he doesn't get everything he wants. He DOES get everything he NEEDS, and much more on top of that.

A new computer that is powerful enough run the games he likes to play is completely out of the question. Bending to his every whim like you suggest would make him into a monster and not prepare him for a world he is going to have to live in.

Last edited by Jimbeaux on 24 Dec 2008, 12:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

He is being overly dramatic because it used to get him his way. And taking an hour off of him will lead to a tantrum, which will just snowball into a day without the computer. One or two days without the computer isn't going to scar him, and it might nip this in the bud if the consequences become very real to him. I only want what is best for him, and with what he seems to have been taught so far, he isn't going to integrate into society very well if he continues along this path.

However, your words do how merit. I will try the "Okay, fine, you just lost an hour," although when I have done that before, it only snowballs.

It's easy for things to snowball in the "learning to take you seriously" stage. Plus it's complicated by the fact that what we might threaten to take away from our AS kids may also be the one thing they use to center themselves, to gain calm inside. You have to be VERY careful of that, because if you take away the one thing that helps them control their emotions, well ... they can't control their emotions.

Be VERY clear about the consequences and be CONSISTENT. Eventually he will figure out that you are serious and he will comply.

But AVOID using self-calming techniques as consequences. For my NT daughter, taking away a movie would eliminate self-calming, so it's off limits. For my AS son, it would be pacing. with him, I can successsfully use computer time as a consequence.

One thing about words, however, is that I really dislike punishing a child over use of words. Kids DO need to express themselves, and as long as it isn't done in an abusive way, and remains a means of self-expression, it should be allowed. You can, of course, refuse to listen to it. But more effective is a simple, "I understand you are upset, I hear your complaint, I do like the way you are using your words, and I will not listen any further." They need to know they have been HEARD, even if nothing changes (and it shouldn't, due to rule number 1, CONSISTENCY). When he is calm you can talk more about appropriate ways to express himself, and how scary it is for you to hear him say some of the things he says. He may have no idea how it sounds to you; he's just grasping for something to say in protest. Over time, you can teach him more effective and appropriate words to use.

I used to read this very very conservative columnist, and he made so much sense about certain things. One thing being, anytime a child starts a sentence with the word "I" he is expressing feelings, and he should never be punished for expressing feelings.

Perhaps you just can't get it through your head, your son has an Autism Spectrum disorder, what works for other children may not and most likely will not work for him. He's not going to turn into a monster if you provide him with what he needs given his unique situation. What will turn him into a monster, is you insisting denying that which brings him pleasure is the best thing for him. Also when you claim he's "playing a martyr" whenever he tries to communicate his problems to you, perhaps you'll be wishing you had listened if he should turn to more dangerous means of self-comfort.

He gets everything YOU deem that he needs, you don't seem to understand that he's not NT and raising him like an NT child is and will end up doing him more damage.

Maybe you can't get it through YOUR head that NO child should be permitted to do EVERYTHING they want ALL THE TIME!! ! Letting him use my computer every waking moment is NOT something he NEEDS! He has other things that he enjoys, and just because he has extremely high functioning Aspergers doesn't give him an excuse to behave like a spoiled brat! He is going to need to function on his own someday, and coddling him and caving EVERY single time he throws a tantrum (which is different than a meltdown) WILL turn him into a monster! A spoiled brat that has a sense of entitlement who will NEVER be satisfied, even if everyone lives for the sole purpose of providing him constant pleasure!! !

Given that I just started dating his mom five months ago and that before that he didn't have access to my computer, it is not POSSIBLE that he NEEDS to have it every waking moment!! !

If I were to listen to your "advice", he would never bathe, eat, or sleep, because until he figured out that using my computer is a privlidge and not a right, he used to freak out when he was told to get off of it in order to do any of those things!! ! Now, GUESS WHAT!! ! HE DOESN'T ANYMORE!! ! SHOCKER!! !

I can tell the difference between when he is communicating a need and being a brat!! ! And so can his mother!! !