Are All Problems Solveable and obstacles surmountable?

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If one loses a job, one should seek to obtain a different one. If one lives purely via philosophical maxims, one is going to starve--unless you obtained your PHd and got a tenured professorship: highly unlikely according to what's out there. People should rely upon themselves--and only themselves. There's no shame in receiving help. There is shame, though, in not evolving towards personal independence when that is an attainable goal.

Equations won't put food on the table for your family. Logistical constructs won't, either.

Well, I'm going to a psychologist tomorrow who specializes in Aspergers to see what she recommends. Maybe she can recommend a group I can go to or some kind of workshop. Let's see what happens.



To be honest, I think this is the idea that is going to cause Western Civilization's Downfall. I think we will go the way that all other great societies have gone.

IMHO, I think we're all interconnected as one and what we do can affect things around us including our whole biosphere. Personally, I don't think as a species we can afford to look out for ourselves and only ourselves.

With this being said, I do understand where you're coming from now but to me a good society helps to uplift each other.

http://meanttobehappy.com/allegory-of-t ... -on-earth/

Cubedemon what you wrote implied you think WelcometoHolland is a bad mom, to me anyway, and that's hurtful to read even though you weren't talking about me. Because it's so easy to point fingers and for people to think they can do better. Maybe so. I don't know why she wants to leave I just think you weren't intending that but it's how it looked to me.


WelcometoHolland I'll miss you, I hope you'll be back

I wasn't blaming people. I was questioning certain beliefs.

For example, I'm told one must never give up. Why? Why must I never give up? Are there legitimate cases in which one can and should call it quits? What are these cases?

If positivity and the can do attitude must be accepted as truth what is its extent? Can one really do anything he sets his mind too? What are my constraints?

How can one really determine what one can or can't do? “Whether you think you can, or you think you can't--you're right.”
― Henry Ford

Is this really true? If it is true again what are the constraints to this? How do I truthfully tell if my thinking is causing my can't or if it is something else causing my can't? Can I fly like superman? If I fail to fly like superman is it because I believe I cannot or is that I really cannot? How does one tell belief from reality when it comes to constraints on what I can or can't do?

Last edited by cubedemon6073 on 22 Jan 2015, 6:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Of course we are all interconnected. I'm all for people helping each other, if they could.

All I'm saying is that one must rely on one's self for life's necessities.

I would help a friend in a pinch--but I wouldn't put up the friend in my house permanently. He has to live in his own house.

In reference to your "empirical experience": Yes, it seems as if you're having a hard time, and that you feel everything's futile. I respect what you're feeling. However, truthfully, there have been many people who have felt the same as you and have been able to "rise above it"--no matter what "system": American, British, Russian, Ghanaian, whatever.

I, personally, have no problem with people receiving assistance. When it becomes a permanent state of existence is when it becomes a problem. If I were in that situation, I would feel like I'm in abyss with no way out.

I go by the idea by Socrates that no one does evil intentionally in some contexts. I do not think she is a bad mother. My opinion differs from hers and other peoples. Personally, I think there is to much looking on the bright side, positivity and optimism. To me, one has to look at the dark side as well and examine the worst case scenarios. One of the worse case scenarios is that her children may not be able to succeed in society including getting and keeping a job. There are even worse cases than this.

Here is my thinking on this. Why not look at the worse case scenarios and attempt to mitigate them if it is possible? For example, a person has a fear of forgetting parts of his speech. Maybe he can jot notes on his hands. He has something to refer to just in case his fear does come to pass.

Instead of examining the dark side of things, discussing and coming to reasonable solutions to mitigate the dark aspects of things I'm told to be more positive, look on the bright side of things, etc. I'm told to ignore the demons in the closet. Isn't that how problems fester, by ignoring them?

There is this whole idea that one can change his whole emotional state at the drop of a hat and I've always thought that emotions, attitude, etc were byproducts. Attitude is treated as a muscle that can simply be moved and promoted as such when I do not grasp how this is true.

With my driving example, it never occurred to me that I could obtain the information on youtube or anywhere else besides asking another person. It did not cross my mind to look it up because the idea to do this did not occur to me. It was not in my conscious mind. She claimed that I lacked initiative which implies that it was sheer laziness when it was not. At the time, I could not have done it because the idea to use a mechanism to obtain this information in this case was unknown to me. I was dealing in a double whammy of unknowns at the time. In wasn't even until she suggested it in hindsight that I could have did it. She understands not and she knows not. She doesn't even realize that She understands not and she knows not. On the other hand, I do realize I know not and understand not.

She made certain assumptions about me and led to her prejudicial and biased judgment against me because she didn't realize she knew not and understood not. She made a judgment against a person she didn't understand and instead of following up with logical questions she made a biased judgment against me. To get her to logically understand what she was doing, I needed to get her to understand how her bias and faulty assumptions made me feel. Using logic failed, so I did what I do when trying to program a software application or debug code. I looked at the syntax of the underlying logic and went to her emotional center.

Her response was unexpected which means that there is something faulty in my analysis which I have to debug and correct. If any evil came about then the evil was unintentional and due to my own ignorance and if I caused grievous harm to her then I apologize. What would have been a better and proper response and approach?

The driving example is but an anecdotal example of why positivity failed. People kept trying to get me to look on the bright side when this told me nothing. At the time, the only way I knew how to obtain knowledge on this was to ask other people. It never occurred to me that the info would be online or in the library or if the knowledge was in my mind for whatever reason I never connected the dots so the knowledge of how to obtain the knowledge was fuzzy and even if I did know it would be online or in the library how I would phrase it in the search engine or at the library to obtain said knowledge?

Apparently, it's considered socially inappropriate to even ask anyone for info though and apparently asking someone is considered lacking initiative. I thought I was taking the initiative by even getting up to ask anyone but apparently I was not and this is considered lacking initiative instead. I never waited until someone told me to. I went up and asked. What do people even mean by taking initiative if asking someone is not taking the initiative correctly? Am I not supposed to ask anyone for anything whatsoever?

I've even attempted to read things online to try to understand society a bit better. A lot of it is like reading greek and I'm having to reverse engineer some of it and use what I know to attempt to fill in the gaps to fill in what I don't. Even the women on ASpartners to say ask NTs. Apparently by WelcomeToHolland's logic, I lack initiative when I do that. Everyone at ASpartners and other places wonder why we speculate amongst ourselves. This is exactly why. This is why a number of us end up on SSDI and Section 8 Housing.

It's not healthy to focus only on the worst case scenario. I know this because I have done it all my life, that I remember. "Always be prepared for what could possibly go wrong." But I actively force my mind not too follow up on these thoughts now. Its too easy to get lost and forget that things often turn out okay. Partly I can do his because my medication allows me to see more than just the dark side.
Also, it is worthwhile to work on coping with unpredicted events so that when they happen they are not as traumatic. And not have to be so rigid about preventing them.

Okay, I do not understand the philosophy that you're trying to tell me on any fundamental level at all.

The thing though is, I never said to focus only on the worst case scenario. What I am asking is if a worst case scenario exists why wouldn't one problem solve and attempt to use logic or something else to mitigate it? Why focus on the bright side only and let demons fester?



Why is it wrong to be as prepared as possible? I believe in Aseop's fables the chipmonk had to store up nuts for the winter. Why would one not dwell upon what could happen in the winter and actively prepare for the winter? If one is going to need nuts, one has to know where to get the nuts from, know how to transport the nuts effectively and efficiently and store them as well.

I don't get your philosophy and if there is a moral I don't logically follow.



Seriously? How do you do this? How is this possible?



What if something did not, what then? It is great that they did but based upon how empirical reality works the chance exists that something may not? What I don't understand is why would one force one's mind to deny reality instead of "grabbing the bull by its horns" like WelcomeToHolland says if one can do that of course? Why completely deny reality.

Look at this right here.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Defence_me ... thological

What you're asking me to do and what seems to be required by society is to use Pathological defense mechanisms especially denial and distortion. This makes no sense whatsoever. I don't even remotely understand this whatsoever and to me it seems like positivity is made up of Pathological Defense Mechanisms unless I'm misunderstanding what is being said.



Do you simply ignore the dark side? Again, why wouldn't one want to mitigate the dark side if one can mitigate it? Why deny it? I don't follow.



So, how do I go about doing that? What methods and techniques do I need to use?



Again, I don't grasp the reasoning behind this. If one can prevent, then why wouldn't one prevent? Even Steven Covey said one had to be proactive, right? So, is one supposed to be proactive or not? I don't follow.

I can remember my husband telling me I can't worry about everything and be too prepared because the whole world could end tomorrow and do we all just stop living our lives because of the possibility that our lives may end the next day? We don't quit working, quit eating, quit making plans what to do next weekend or what trip to go on and when we should go, etc. So I do see his point about worrying about everything and even my own mother agreed and she said some are worriers and don't like change and guess what? These people never get anywhere.

I can think of another case scenario like what if Mount Hood erupts, I could get prepared for in case that warning comes up the possibility upcoming eruption. Or I can worry about the dam breaking in the gorge and our power goes out and everything floods in our area due to high river because it always held the water back and I could get prepared for in case that ever happens. My house could catch on fire so I could get prepared for that taking everything I don't want lost out to the detached garage or shed and put them there and I never use those again or get prepared for what if someone goes to those and takes stuff out of them so I could get prepared for that and live in a crowded house with all this outdoor stuff and stuff we still have packed away we don't use. I could lose my job because the building could decide to toss out our employers and have their own employers and pay them instead so I could get myself prepare for that by starting to look for another job when I haven't even gotten that notice yet we are going to be laid off. See what I mean by thinking of the worst case scenario?

I think a fair balance is to spend equal mental time on both positive and negative possible outcomes. I say it's unhealthy to be overly focused on negative possibilities because it's depressing and anxiety inducing.


I'm not sure the chipmunk metaphor works. It is necessary for their survival prepare and collect nuts. Similarly, I must get boots, gloves and a coat if want to survive winter. These things need to be prepared for, but not everything does.



Don't feed the demon. Force your mind to think of something else.



It's not reality until it happens. And there are billions and billions of ways everything can go. You can never prepare for more than the more obvious, like above.


Denial of what?
Distortion is good - play with the possibilities. It will make your mind flexible.



Medication, breathing and muscle relaxation.

Okay, I will reframe this into a narrative skit. I will use the name Joe. It is very general and can be applied in multiple social contexts. This happens to me all the time in various ways including with family members.

Joe: Please do x, y and z.

Me: You told me to do x, y and z.

Joe: Yes, that is correct.

Me: Okay, What if a and b crop up? *Thinking we would come up with a solution.*

Joe: C'mon you're being negative. C'mon let's look on the bright side.

Me: *Thinks to myself what the f**k! Another person who keeps focusing on my attitude instead of the problem at hand.*

WelcomeToHolland isn't the first who keeps telling me to look on the bright side. Let's say her children truthfully can't succeed at all in a job or in society what is her plan? What happens to those who despite their best efforts fail to their detriment? It's like everyone wants to deny this possibility and avoid it like acid. It's deny, deny, deny, deny.

Instead of looking on the bright side all the time, assume and accept failure to one's detriment as a possibility. Assume that one's child may never be able to succeed in society or have a job at all and do things to set up a trust fund or a dowry for one's child. One could go to a financial planner of some sort. Do this and still try to mainstream the child the best one can do to have him succeed socially in society and in a job setting. If not, one has a nest egg for the child to live on. So, the child isn't irresponsible with the money, it could be given in monthly installments for a period of time. If the child is lower functioning that he can't manage on his own one possibility is to have a carer manage it on his or her behalf.

We as a society don't need more positive or optimistic thinking in my opinion. We need more critical thinking such as the example I've provided. We don't need more hackneyed slogans like "Grab the bull by its horns" which is just feel good word vomit which doesn't tackle the issues at hand. We in the autism community need solutions. We don't need more feel good pop psychology ideas that are devoid of substance and solutions.

My mom used to focus on the negative and always worry. She was taught to be that way was why because she has worriers in her family. But then she met my dad and he taught her that worrying is a waste of time of energy. There is nothing you can do about it because if it happens it happens and there is nothing you can do to stop it so why worry? When you get to that bridge, then you can start worrying. Right now Holland's kids are still kids so when they reach adulthood and still can't succeed and she is getting too old to care for them, then she can start looking into other alternates like where will they go, who will take care of them. But the problem in not setting goals too high for your kid is you then won't work with them much and you do less for them. What would have happened if my mom didn't have high goals for me and she just thought I will never succeed in life and I will always need someone to look after me and I may live with people for the rest of my life so she doesn't do much with me and then I grow up and end up in a group home and probably working for an hour a few days a week and my mom brags about "I am so proud of my daughter, she is so independent now, she lives in a group home and works few hours a week" when it could have been "I am so proud of my daughter, she is married and works part time and has two children" if she had set high goals for me which she did.

I think being a worrier may be a personality trait.

And lot of parents of special need kids word very hard so their kids can be independent when they are adults. They do what they can do and get their kid do what they are able to do. They don't know if they don't try and actually telling the child "you will never be able to do this" "You will always be with us or having someone with you" "No you can't go to college" 'No you can't drive a car" "No you can't work full time" "no you can't date or people will take advantage of you" "There is no way you can have a relationship so don't worry about dating" etc. then the child just gives up and starts using their disability as an excuse to not even try. A kid acts disabled if they are treated like it. To me that has to be some form of abuse because they are degrading their child and that is something an abuser does to their partner so the reason why a woman may think she is worthless and no other man will want her and she isn't smart. But my question is what if someone really can't do something, what if someone isn't really smart or capable, I guess you just keep that to yourself and not tell them. So what do you tell someone who has an average IQ they want to be a scientist? You sure have to have a high IQ for that, not average.

What if Temple Grandin's mother didn't help her and she just assumed her daughter was brain damaged and will never succeed in life and she will always need care so she always took it at that level? I doubt she would be a college professor and design all this animal equipment and I doubt there would have been a movie about her by HBO. None of her books would have exist nor her speeches.

I came back to read a PM and I can't let this go. Cubedemon, you have said that my opinion is as valuable as vomit... as such, I DO NOT understand why you are still talking about it. I especially do not understand why you are still going on about what a sh***y parent you think I am.

I am in a very bad place right now, and that's why I know I need to leave here, because I'm not able to nice enough (it's nobody's fault other than my own). I'm just not feeling nice enough right now. I will leave (not checking any more PMs either). But I would really appreciate it if you stopped going on about my parenting skills.

You think I am not negative enough about the situation with my kids? Well, you'll be thrilled then to hear that sometimes I feel like jumping off a cliff! Regularly I wonder what the hell I did wrong, and think maybe if I had just done ______, things would be different. I worry every day about what will happen to my kids if I die. I worry that some day my kids will be too big for me to care for (both of them are in the 95+ percentile for height so this is a serious possibility). I worry constantly about the future. Sometimes it feels utterly hopeless. The only thing that keeps me from not jumping off the cliff is that what is "success" can change. I maintain hope that we can be "successful" at meeting our goals, but they are not the same goals as I had before. The truth is that the chances of either of my kids living alone is so small it might as well be zero. My 15 year old has no language whatsoever. My 12 year old can't even dress himself. (Etc.) (And yeah maybe I caused it all by being a hateful, intolerant person as you put it, but I do know that I have tried my best to do the right things with them). I don't expect my kids to live alone and have jobs necessarily. I expect my kids to always try hard to improve their situation, even if it's a small improvement. I do that myself as well. Expecting them to live alone would be a ridiculously huge improvement based on their current placement, so that's not currently the direct goal. Currently, the goal is much "smaller" than that. For example, currently, my hope for my older son is that he will learn some type of communication. I don't care what it is- I just want him to have a way to communicate if he wants to. For some people, that's not on the agenda because they're kids had that starting at 6 months old. What our goals are vary based on the child in particular. Maybe the future will be looking different than how I thought of it, but I want my kids to not be limited, so I will ALWAYS continue to try to help them learn skills, so that they have more options in life. I WILL NOT give up just because the chances of them doing the typical thing adults do is so small (although yes I do acknowledge that that chance is small).

I still don't know what any of that ^ has to do with you, but since you continue to go on about it, there you have it. That is it from me (for real... LOL) but I would really appreciate it if you'd move on. I surrender my opinion entirely.

I find cubedemon's fixation on your parenting skills to be inappropriate and odd. But this whole site is lately. I've gone over to Anxiety Central - it's good so far.

Forget it! Never Mind! I apologize for wasting other's time. It's like I'm speaking a different language than you all. If I caused any evil to you all(Socrates definition of evil) then I apologize and I hope you all can forgive me.

I'm not questioning or fixating on parenting skills per se as I'm trying to grasp and understand why people think in this certain way? I'm doubting anyone's parenting skills at all. Parenting skills and the things parents do is an example of what I am trying to understand at a fundamental level. Instead of speaking and discussing solutions it ends up being a discussion about my emotional state and my attitude. Instead of coming up with solutions to mitigate certain negative case scenarios and discussing with me possible solutions and then modifying those solutions to fit me instead it's about my emotional state and attitude which is impertinent.

From my point of view, it doesn't make any sense to me and at times I feel as though I'm speaking to the Cheshire cat.

It is no wonder my state, which is the most difficult state to get SSDI benefits from, awarded me SSDI benefits the 1st time I applied.

Talking about people‘s parenting skills is a social no-no. A no go zone in argument. It's too personal. Better to find another example to illustrate your point.