Pregnant with AS-- Need advice

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I think it's important to remember that there are posters on these forums who may have negative experiences with their own parents - and, having had negative experiences with my own parents, I can attest that it's difficult to be objective when talking about them.

However, I think it is a safe assumption that most parents who read and post on a parenting forum are trying their best to be good parents, and while they may not hide their mistakes it is not because they are making an excuse but because they are working diligently to address them, and to make life better for their children.

I wish I had understood what was happening when DS was a toddler; I've done things that (while he was in no actual danger) scared him and shamed me. Now that I understand better, I'm working really hard to make sure I don't make further mistakes.

i have had abusive parents, namely a psycho-rigid , sadistic and sociopathic alcoholic step father. but right now we are talking to a mother who is regretful of her actions, not the child. when the child grows up, if he remembers and has not understood what has happened , he will find his own support group.

i know you are being sarcastic, but your statement makes little sense. are you making the assumption that the original child is autistic? why else would you specify non-autistic children as a comparison?

besides, just because a parent is non-autistic does not in any way guarantee positive mental health. autistics dont have the market cornered on scary parental behavior. we are all capable of that, regardless of neurology. ive personally witnessed worse behavior, from non-autistic parents who had no sensory or neurological issues (besides stupidity), and were raising perfectly typical children.

i think i'm also hearing the implication that autistic parents are not mentally healthy. rather odd from a proclaimed autistic person. autism itself doesnt make you mentally unhealthy.

When has anyone ever claimed that.

Breastfeeding hormones may help wth bonding, but ouinon is also correct that breastfeeding can contribute to postpartum depression, for another reason.

Specifically, breast milk contains a significant amount of omega 3 and omega 6 essential fatty acids that are used to help build the baby's brain, which roughly doubles in volume over the first year. If the fats are not available in the mother's diet, the mother's body will cannibalize her own brain for them. The modern western diet contains plenty of omega 6 fats, but typically little omega 3s, so without without supplementary omega 3 intake by the mother, breastfeeding can contribute to depression. Supplementing with omega 3s while still breast feeding is likely the best solution to postpartum depression - that's what my wife did, and if anything she had postpartum exhilaration.

Here's an article with more information:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/com ... baby-blues

I hope she is going to help out, and not just teach. Things she can do include cooking, doing the laundry, and bringing you water every time you breast feed. I did those things for my wife for the first month, and it helped a lot.

I may be stating something that you've already been told many times but for some women, breast-feeding can be quite painful at first. I remember with both my kids that my breasts became hard as rocks after the firsst day or so and feeding was excrutiating for a short time. I definitely don't want to scare you just be forewarned that it isn't always easy but it is worth it if you can do it! There are comfort measures you can take that help such as warm compresses and, for me at least, the hard part passed within about 48 hours.

great! i am already taking the omega fish oil type supplements. taste gross but i'm glad that theyre going to help.

With ref to getting help:

Get it organised before the baby is born!

Arrange beforehand, while you still have the time, energy and peace of mind to do it, who exactly is coming in and when exactly and for how long ...

: to do the cleaning once a week or so,
: the shopping and cooking a couple of times a week to give you a break from that, time to sleep,
: to babysit for a couple of hours at least a couple of times a week so that you can go out and be "normal" for a while, ( without the pram/buggy/pushchair which is, or at least feels, as unwieldy as a wheelchair for the first couple of months, and won't even go through the doorways of some shops and will block aisles in others, and will generally get in everyone's way ),
: to babysit by taking the baby out some times so that you can sleep for a few hours without baby waking you with the slightest cry.

I had no idea how to ask for help, I had had ( before the birth ) a nebulous idea of carrying my baby in a sling, of everything being easy and natural, of it all flowing from instinct. We had only just moved to that town, and I had only arrived in France the previous year, ( from UK ), and spoke very little french. I knew no one. I didn't have the faintest idea of who to ask for help; I didn't even realise that it was reasonable to need help.

Because I had no friends or family there the only people available to me would have been professionals, paid babysitters, etc ... and I was overwhelmed by the bureaucracy involved the very few times I investigated the possibilities: insurance, medical stuff, number of hours paid by the state, who was qualified ( and prepared ) to do what sort of thing, and so on ... and that's without the "personal vibe" element of who I was likely to tolerate/be comfortable with.

Get as much organised beforehand as you possibly can. And yes, whoever said, about your mum and the "teaching/showing", that the most important thing is the *help* is right.

I was practically DYING for a break by the time my sister visited for a few days, ( when son was a few weeks old I think ), but unfortunately she was so obviously nervous and anxious and totally uptight about babies too that I only dared leave the house for an hour or so, and anyway what I most needed was sleep, and she wasn't prepared to take my son out on her own so that I could do that. And his cries woke me instantly, even the quietest ones.

Good luck!
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Right, that's another one. Read all your baby and parenting books now, because you won't have time after the baby is born!

Parenting "books"??? lol



Sorry, I mean no disrespect, but I find the idea of parenting books to be greatly amusing. You can't learn this from books!! !

Well, ok, to be honest, books on parenting are helpful to a degree. Just think of them more as "suggestions" rather than "gospel truth." I know a young woman who has just had her first child and she's made a moderately successful career for herself as a prominent local nurse practitioner. She's really good at her job and immensely knowledgeable. But her baby is driving her nuts because she's trying to go at this strictly by the book. So when her son got old enough for daycare and she went back to work, she was disgusted that she was paying top-dollar for the best reputable daycare in town and they didn't make their babies take more naps during the day. Oddly enough one of her biggest complaints was that her child wasn't sleeping all through the night like most babies do at that age. And she was doing "everything right" by the books. Well, there you go. Put it together. Establish a good sleep routing during the day with enough waking hours so that the baby acclimates to daytime periods and nighttime periods and he will sleep ALL night. After 4-6 months, you can turn off the baby monitor--if you're lucky, you won't even have to wait that long.

Some other hints: Pacifiers are OK up to one year. Same goes for bottles. Make them disappear after that. My little boy (my oldest) DID miss his binky and the baby bottle, which we took away the day after his 1st birthday. It's been sippy cups ever since, and even my son knows how to drink out of regular cups and water bottles without making a mess. We do let our kids go to bed with cups, but it's water ONLY after bedtime (juice/sugary drinks encourage tooth decay, hence why we only let them have water after bedtime--we do use powdered drinks and Splenda, and getting Coca-Cola is a RARE special treat reserved for the occasional movie night, which for us is about 4 times a year). But as far as pacies and bottles go, let them cry all day if they want to, but DON'T GIVE IT TO THEM. You'll be surprised how quickly they adjust.

People ask us how in the world we get sleep. Well, we insist on sleeping. The kids have their own beds--they don't need to be in our room. Yeah, they wake up in the middle of the night sometimes. But we check to make sure they aren't sick or that their training pants aren't dirty and send them right back. We don't even walk them back to their rooms, we just give them a gentle nudge. They may protest a little, but they march right back to their beds and quickly quieten back down. We constantly kept the baby monitor on with our boy. Our girl was in the NICU so long she was practically trained to sleep all night by 3 weeks. So after about 3 months and decreased likelihood of SIDS, we just forgot to turn it on one night, she was fine, and that was the end of it.

I think it's how you respond as they get older that determines your level of sanity. Our 3-year old is going through phase where he cries for about an hour before he settles down for bedtime. His mother was out of town last night, and I gently explained that I'm not mom and can't do what mom does, so he was going to have to be a big boy and go to sleep. These kinds of things turn into a battle of the wills. You just have to remember you're the adult in the situation and are better able at winning through attrition. I closed my bedroom door, tried to relax, and waited for him to give up. It took a long time. I actually heard him get out of bed and stand in the middle of the living room, but I didn't budge. He eventually went back to his bed and began to quiet down. I went in later to check on him, and he was just fine hiding under his covers. He'd thrown all his pillows off the bed, so I put a pillow under him and left him alone. He woke up his normal, cheerful self this morning.

The difference between me and my wife is night and day. I think she works too hard and responds too much, and I think the attention she gives just perpetuates the one or two problems we do have. But on the other hand she's a good mommy, so I don't really have much room to tell her what to do.

The most important rule, in my opinion, is learn to relax. DON'T FREAK OUT. And never, EVER give in to a demanding child. You don't do them any favors that way.

My last thing about books is this: I often wonder whether the people who write these books actually have children of their own. The only people really qualified to give you advice on handling kids are other parents. All the university child-psychology classes in the world won't really prepare you for the real thing--people with real experience do better. My wife and I used to love to sit down and analyze episodes of Dr. Phil and Supernanny. Dr. Phil is too much pop psychology, I'm afraid. But we have seen some really good things and effective methods with Supernanny. We'll see some parent do something really stupid and say "Yeah, WE could have told you that," but we'll also see some things and say, "hey, that's a good idea..."

The one thing we have yet to be successful with is potty training. I think there is some secretive Parent Illuminati society out there closely guarding the secrets of potty training reserving it only for the initiated elite. My almost-2-year-old girl gets it. My 3-year old is a different story. I think the OP will probably master the mysteries of potty training before we do.

For me personally, I think the books did more harm than good too. They're good for background info, but I was much better off when my hubby finally convinced me to put them down. I'm a natural worrier. I didn't need any help in that area .

I still use the baby monitor for my 2 yo . I'm just paranoid about not hearing her if she needs me in the night (which she almost never does).

Also, beware of unsolicited advise (yes - I see the irony). At some point, someone will say something dumb about what you're 'doing wrong.' Try not to take it personally. For whatever reason, these people just can't help themselves (often older women). Just brush it off and go about your business.

This is some of the best advice so far on this thread, but yes, the irony is amusing!

And regarding the parenting books, there are good ones, bad ones and a few great ones, and I agree that some can just create more worries, but being the type of person who enjoys doing their homework and being well informed on whatever task I have at hand, I can't imagine choosing NOT to read any of them. Yes, take the advice with a grain of salt, but I found knowing about things like early childhood milestones and how the brain develops valuable and interesting.

What it seems like you are missing is the most important thing to say to a new parent - this is worked for me with my kids. You have no idea what "the answer is for and child/parent combo" and it just comes off as arrogant.

"Don't ever give in to demands"......nice with most NT kids. And for my NT kid that worked like a charm - not AS DS, um nope.

With respect to advise, take what you like and leave the rest. trust your gut with your baby.

What I didn't anticipate when I was pregnant is that having a baby didn't feel like I was bonding with another person, it felt like I was tending to an extension of myself.

With all the confusing advice about advice - I'll add in this one: kids are resilient. You will make mistakes. Don't worry about it, your mistakes will become obvious to you, you will figure it out and correct them and your kid will do fine. Keep the big picture in mind.

Well, yeah... Obviously.

I'm not talking about "demands" in terms of difficulties children might have in communicating. Obviously my children didn't inherit AS from me, and there's no guarantee that the OP will have an AS child. To be fair, we can't assume anything, so I generally prefer avoiding worst-case scenarios. Someone who is about to be a new parent, especially someone who is AS, probably experiences anxiety about what parenthood will be like. All I'm saying is parents are in a natural position of authority and are naturally equipped to handle problems as they arise. There are ALWAYS problems, but that's just a natural part of growing up, and parents need not stress out over it.

I think many parents, whether the child is NT or not, fail to stand their ground in their roles as parents and try the appeasement parenting style to keep their kids calm and happy. I protect my children from things that cause them permanent physical harm, but I don't deny them the opportunity to discover and become self-sufficient. You might argue that a child of 2 or 3 cannot be self-sufficient, but mine are fiercely independent and prefer it that way. Not EVERY little cry means a parent has to come running, and the occasional bump, scrape, or bruise is no indicator that a parent is horrible or negligent. So if I have a child who is whiny or (unduly) demanding, I feel I've accomplished more to turn the other way rather than encouraging my child to think he or she is entitled to every single thing he or she screams at me about. I provide their needs, have a LOT of good fun, spread around plenty of hugs/kisses/giggles, and now and then have very special treats/gifts/toys/youtube videos, etc.

My children clearly aren't AS, but it's the same in principal. It's just that the method(s) of ascertaining what it is the child is trying to communicate and respond appropriately in an equivalent manner the child understands. Aspie/Autistic kids generally don't like many kinds of touches, so communicating physically (one of the strongest forms of communication) isn't effective. But it is possible to unlock the communication puzzle in other ways.

My point is that if a child is acting a certain way in order to manipulate parents into certain behaviors, the most important thing is to end the behavior by demonstrating that nothing the child can do will be effective and that there are more important things than acting like a total brat.

So, yeah, different things work for different combinations of parents/children. I understand that. But what's really funny about saying "what works for me" is that there are a number of techniques that do seem to be effective across the board as long as they are used consistently. That's what I loved about the Supernanny show. For one, exposing the overuse of spanking. The point is not that you CAN'T spank, but rather that you should try other techniques in order to avoid severe punishment that can also lose its effectiveness with overuse. The particular "naughty chair" technique is always effective with consistent use. We don't use a strict "time out" as discipline, but we do gently explain to our kids that they are upset and angry and need to go to their rooms until they calm down. Always works. It doesn't work because we're master parents--it works because it gauges their emotions, a sort of barometer, and provides a sensible response. "Naughty chair" and "time-outs" do basically the same thing. If you care to know in-depth why, I'm sure you can take some child-development courses or child psychology classes at a local college or online.

But attempting to relate one's own experience in terms of things most people understand to work is not arrogant. And there are some books that say some good things about parenting and give good advice. You just have to understand that these things work or are true in a broad, general way. There are a number of exceptions to every rule, and the best advice you can get is from someone close to you who already has children.