Should there be consequences or discipline?

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AnotherOne
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06 May 2011, 6:33 am

anni wrote:
momsparky - you have my complete agreement, and yeppers.. tried every type of deodorant there is that I have been able to find. I have won the teeth brushing battle! Well I didn't win it, tooth ache did, which is the natural consequence of not brushing your teeth. I had a boy once when I was fostering who was also very reluctant to shower, and that changed when he developed a fungal infection all over his chest and back. However, my son has really good skin, no acne or any other issues. I pray for a fungal infection! (lol)

In Australia, it's compulsory to vote, and once you turn 18, you're obliged to register to vote, and not voting will get you a fine, and if you can't pay the fine, theoretically you can end up going to jail. I've explained all this to my son, but he will not register to vote. I've even told him that he doesn't actually have to vote for anyone on the piece of paper, but just go to the voting and have his name ticked off the electoral list, but he refuses to do this. He emphatically tells me that it is against his principles to vote and he does not believe in our country's compulsory voting laws. I guess this is even a more serious matter than showering and using deodorant. I've told him that I won't pay the fine for him if he gets busted as not registered, and he says he doesn't care. I have a friend who works as a corrections officer, and I've asked him whether it would be possible for John to have a tour of the jail so he can see what the potential consequences of not registering to vote might be, but I'm worried the structure and routine and hierarchy will actually appeal to him!


Maybe it's best to just let him be since it seems he is not in that much trouble. If he is a stubborn personality (my story) trying to persuade and reason with him will lead to opposite effects. Seems that he is not in deep trouble and manage to accomplish things so you can let go and see if he can find his own path.



momsparky
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06 May 2011, 8:27 am

Countess wrote:
I might suggest this is either a defense mechanism or imitation of a behavior they both have been exposed to, but it's just conjecture as I do not know your parents. When you go through life being rejected for reasons you don't understand, it is often easier to blame the expeller (rejection is difficult and you never get used to it even if it is what you expect). It eliminates a need for critical self evaluation however, which is a shame.

I have similar issues as does my mother. Over the years I have tried to work on allowing people to have opinions. Meanwhile, my mother picked out my mother's day gift for me (after insisting I be involved) because everything I liked was "ugly".


I agree completely, Countess...unfortunately this means I have no idea how to have a relationship with my parents, because it's very one-sided; everything that isn't the way they want it is my fault (and, of course, I have my own issues with rejection/rigidity, etc.) And I've given up nearly completely on giving gifts to my mother (despite her insistence, because people are supposed to give gifts on Mother's Day, etc.)...we learned early that every single gift would be returned, no matter how hard we tried. Sorry...tnx for the chance to vent a bit.

Rigidity is our big bugaboo. Obviously I can't change my parents (and it isn't my place to do so) but I do need to help my son. Any tips? We are trying game therapy, but have thus far only been able to put the board game out...as soon as chance gets involved DS crawls under a chair and stays there. (I suppose this whole conversation is another thread, as obviously consequences are not in play here.)



anni
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06 May 2011, 6:59 pm

AnotherOne - that's exactly what we're doing now. Waiting for our grub to turn into a butterfly - literally. I think he's having an extended cocoon period, and hoping that he'll emerge from that phase into someone who's much happier and ready to face the world as it is. It's like he has to find a place where he can accept that he can't manipulate or change the world or society or our political system (although I have encouraged him again and again to head down the path through education where he can respectfully argue his position, and even provoke change) and fight for change from within the systems which are in place. Evolution vs Revolution is a topic we discuss a LOT in our house.

Just to give an example of a typical discussion:
John: Nobody should have to do a job they don't want to do. Everyone should be able to choose to do what they want to do and are most happy doing.
Mum: But John, in that world, who would pick up the garbage? I don't know anyone who would want that job willingly and not because it's very well financially rewarded.
John: Well then, there should be no garbage collection.
Mum: John, we'd all get sick really fast. Can you imagine the garbage which would stack up in a big city like Sydney in even one week? The plagues of rats which would start taking over the city? We have rats now in the city that are the size of large cats!
John: Well, that's good, because only the strongest people would survive. The weak would perish.
Mum: What if you and I are among the weak?
John: <shrugs> That's the sacrifice we'd make for a stronger, happier society.



anni
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06 May 2011, 7:08 pm

momsparky - this is probably akin to teaching my grandmother to suck eggs, but i found with my son, the trick was to focus on activities that are most interesting to him, and find a way to "teach" things through that activity. My son was completely fascinated with dinosaurs when he was 6 or so, and that's how he started learning to read and count. He would count his plastic dinosaurs, and practice copying their names. He knew all their names and pretty much was an expert on anything dinosaur. Later it was Batman, and we taught a lot of social lessons using batman and robin (how friends share and give and take, etc) and batman against the penguin (the difference between right and wrong, doing the right thing even though it's challenging). We also had the "you don't have superhuman powers, so when you jump off the roof, you are going to break something". We tried to teach playing with others, but that was never successful. We were happy that he had a friend who also had Asperger's that he would spend every recess and lunch in the sandpit with, playing side by side without interacting. As an aside, a few years ago, when this small group of boys(all diagnosed with Asperger's - I am somewhat amazed how our kids were drawn to one another and found one another, even though they were in different classes and years at school) were older teenagers, their idea of fun was to bring their laptops to each other's houses, set themselves up a LAN, and play networked games for hours and hours from separate rooms of the house, communicating with each other only when necessary through the game's text messaging system.



AnotherOne
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07 May 2011, 9:06 am

anni, your son reminds me of me :). same extremist stuff that i still have in my head but i learned not to discuss it. my weird thinking is an asset in my job and life since i can often find solutions that others don't.
i do think that the successful strategy for aspies is not to kill their "weird" thoughts (that is our release valve) but they should acknowledge the reality by going to school and having a job. your son is doing great.

maybe he can channel it into a SF book about his version of society?



anni
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07 May 2011, 10:36 am

AnotherOne - It's people like you and my son who make me ponder how many of our great thinkers throughout history would have been diagnosed somewhere on the spectrum if the tools existed back then. It's people like you who are getting on with life, have a job, and have somehow picked up on the "time and place" to discuss your more radical ideas that give me inspiration and hope.