why so stubborn?

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Have you read much of the reference materials we cite in our reading thread? I'm partial to the one written by one of our members, personally, free for download at ASDStuff.com

If you go back a couple of posts you see one from someone with the condition noting how helpless and confused she felt at your daughter's age. This is common for those on the spectrum: the world and list of expectations can be completely overwhelming. To us, they are little things and easy to do. To them, all those little things are like trying to move a mountain. They just can't do all that we expect from them, and their instinctive response is to try to remold the world to their desires, or to pretend they don't want to do what we ask. It is defensive.

Your charge today is not to worry about how she will function as an adult in society in the future, but to worry about how she can successfully get through today and tomorrow. The more you battle for control and try to force the issues, the faster you will lose. You can't build for tomorrow if there in no solid foundation in today, and everything she is doing screaming out that she cannot handle life as it is today. That doesn't mean you have to let her get away with completely unacceptable behaviors, but you need to accurately assess what her needs are, create rules she can meet, and design consequences that don't make things worse.

There have been many parents who have come onto this board trying to get it all done by 18, and panicked that their kids aren't where they are supposed to. It is hard to get off the treadmill, but when you step back ... that is when you start to get the results you need. Believe in it. There is a process most parents on this board have been using, and that process WORKS.

Please don't make threats that would be destructive to your daughter if you followed through with them. Removing the pet should be off limits, and all the threat does is confuse and upset your child more.

I understand that the pressure we get from absolutely everywhere is to not let our kids act this way, to give tough love, and so forth, but my experience on these boards is that such an approach just does not work. You know this deep inside, you've already made one very tough choice to meet your daughter's needs, and you are probably overburdened yourself, and desperate to get past the "dig in deep, figure it out" stage. Unfortunately you haven't been given that gift, and you've got to dig deeper, find more patience, get inside her head even better. I am so sorry, I know you must be exhausted, and wishing there was an easier answer, but it sounds like there isn't. Life isn't fair, is it? And you move on.

Is there anyone you trust to give you some respite care so that you can do a few things for you, and get yourself re-charged and re-focused? That is something parents need, and our kids are better for it when we take care of ourselves.

I wish you the best and am sorry to hear things have been so difficult.

It sounds far more like typical Autism rigidity than OCD.....OCD is when you have to wash your hands 20 times a day or things of this nature, things that seriously make life difficult. My daughter has what we call her little routines like she would have to step on a certain rock on the way to school, things like that. Some people would call that OCD but to us its just her having some control as this comforts her. When you have trouble even speaking to someone have some control in your life sort of compensates for that. My daughter used to not eat a banana if I broke it in half to cut a bruise out of it. She would scream and get very upset and after a while these sorts of things drive you nuts when you are trying to get ready for school. Since I also have autism I have that need for control as well so I dont think to say "Im cutting this banana because it has a bruise" Also showing it to her as she needs to see what I am saying. Then I found that she was fine. Also talking too much upsets my daughter and she will tell us that we need to say things this way or that way. She will have a meltdown because we did not say a word correctly. She is being taught French grammar rules in school right now so she is teaching my husband as well.....he had a PhD but she feels the need to explain these things to him, or so it seems. She is actually just speaking out loud and it is her way of letting us know what she knows, but it seems as if she is making rules. She used to only drink out of a certain cup but we slowly introduced more cups to her, like putting one out with a bit of water along with her favorite cup. She also would freak out if you gave her an all metal spoon instead of one with the wooden type handle, then I realized this was a sensory thing. She is not a morning person and she is cold, she does not want to touch a cold spoon in the morning and she doesnt like the feel of the edges so we make sure that she gets the right spoons and forks.....its not a big deal. She likes to have choices...more than two choices are overwhelming to her so I say "do you want this or that?". This helps her and gives her some control. My now 19 year old insisted on wearing mismatching outfits and could care less what the other kids though so I let her do it....now she is very into the latest fashions and her makeup which is odd for a Aspie but she still has many days where she just lays around in her jamies and doesnt even brush her hair .

My son who has Asperger's also feels the need to make rules for games. At times we allow him to do this....we say that we will play his way and then we will play the way the game was intended. This way he still feels as though he has some control and this makes him calm. He used to through huge meltdowns if he did not win the game because we didnt allow him to change the rules in the middle of the game so he could win. So we would calmly say that the game was over and put it away, this made him more upset but he soon learned that you have to be a good sport or no one wants to play with you. I remember my sons social group sometimes it would take them a half hour to argue over which game to play and they all soon learned that the longer time they spent trying to decide which game to play the shorter the time to play it. There would still be a time when one would get upset and have a meltdown and have to be removed into the other room until he calmed down....it didnt take long as he would hear the other boys having fun.

I have been called a control freak but its not so much control as it is comfort. I like certain things in certain places, things that are different upset me. I get upset when people move my things. I need my things in a certain place or I get frantic and have a lot of anxiety. I am not TRYING to control anyone because I desire control over them, its just because I need my little world to be in order for me to function without getting upset.

Some things that are bordering on OCD and are going to cause serious social issues like my sons problem with games....My father is 68 and he still has a fit if he looses a game, he just wasnt taught right, he was taught that you HAD to win and loosers were stupid and worthless because this is what his Father taught him. I dont want my son to be having a meltdown because he lost a game of Sorry to his grandchildren . So I guess you could call it picking your battles but I look at it as more of, find the cause of it and see if your child needs help adjusting or if you should just let them do it until they feel like they are comfortable enough to stop. Like my daughter, she changes her little games that she plays on the way to school or how she wants her sandwich cut. She does it by herself, its her choice.

Anyway, I can totataly relate to your daughter feeling as if she had to kill you becuase she thought you were going to take her dog away from her. If someone were to take Pippin away from me, I would want to at least hurt them. Pippin is my lifeline and keeps me together more than any kind of pill. When I was sucidal my mom would remind me about how much Pippin needed me. Threatning to get rid of her would make my depression and sucidal intentions worse. If my parents actualy did get rid of her, I probably really would commit sucide.

I am pretty sure I would have thrown a huge fit if someone had threatened to take away my cat.

Kash....please read The Bipolar Child. Had I not given it to someone else I would have sent it to you. I know people have in their minds what Bi Polar disorder is but childhood or early onset BP is totally different and your daughter sounds as if she could possibly be Early Onset BP. I could not even leave the house without my son he had this very strange obsession with me. He even jumped onto the hood of the car once as I was driving away. He hated my boyfriend who became my husband. He was never violent with anyone but my poor, very calm and typically cool and collected husband who deserves a metal or a saint hood for what he went through.

My son died from an accidental overdose in August after being clean for two years. Please look into this, my daughter, has been dx with a mix of Aspergers and BP. She has cut her wrist....she is older, she is now 19 and will be 20 very soon. She has said and done some things that were not like her at all, this started around the age of 16 so we think she had a later onset of it as my son was seemingly BP since he started walking. I hope things work out and also never threaten to take away a child's pet. Im 44 with 5 kids (one, as I said, is an angel) and I would want to seriously hurt someone if they tried to take away my animals. Still I know that in the heat of passion sometimes we, as parents, say things that we dont really mean every now and then and I know a BP child can drive you to your limits.