As a 24 year old whom wants to understand parents...

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As far as I know dad doesn't have any asperger traits. The bottom line is that he kind of just handed it to me. I wanted to sit down like adults and talk about the work. It would have potentially given me a bigger list. So its more of a demand than compromise.

Hi Muzey -

I've been thinking about you..... I remember feeling how you feel and I couldn't wrap my head around what my mom was thinking. Now as the parent....well, I thought I would share how I feel.

I often feel like a slave at home. If something needs to be done, I do it, and well, it all falls on me. Everyone else just seems to walk right over the stuff that needs to be done. They will complain that we don't have what they want to eat, or no clean clothes... whatever. The dogs need to be fed and brushed and if necessary medicated. (at least they are happy to see me when I come home ).

They also seem to assume that when they turn their computer on, it will work. They will have internet access as if by magic and the tv always has something to watch; cable, netflix or hulu plus. That comes from me going to work every day and then paying the bills. The car starts and is insured. for those that can't drive, they are taken where they need to go.

Then - I am to show sufficient interest in their interests. Yes, you can show me your favorite you tube video....again. Sure, I will work on the marching band stuff for your competition. Yes, we can go to gamestop and pick up call of duty the very moment it is available on Tuesday. blah, blah, blah....

I am the mom and these are my children. They are not adults, so it is my job to provide for them and I want them to have what they need (and what they want ) . BUT, once they are adults and it is no longer my duty to provide, I will ask that they handle more responsibility around the house AND pay rent unless they are full time students.

I will require a list, so that I can take those items off my list. I have too much to do to worry about if they will or will not figure out it needs to be done. I am too tired to ask. I just want it done when agreed upon. I may be more interested in helping the process of figuring out if something needs to be done once I don't have so much to do.

I'm not trying to beat you up, I just want you to get the perspective of the parent. At 24, you are now an adult and need to be pulling your own weight. If the list makes him feel like you are pulling your weight, let him have it. I often ask myself "is this the hill I want to die on", meaning is this battle important enough to allow it to cause harm in a relationship. I think what your dad is saying when he says don't use the Asperger's as an a excuse might be: You are responsible to do these things. Your Asperger's does not relieve you of the responsibility - it's up to you to figure out how to get it done, and up to you to figure out how to take your Asperger's into consideration. At some point it becomes "not his problem".

If you really feel that the list is making you crazy, as a parent, I know that I would accept a list showing what days my child would check to see if stuff needed to be done.

BTW - most NT people develop a schedule for when they do their chores. For me it's because of a busy schedule - if I don't do it on the weekend, it won't happen until the next weekend. So, while it may not need to be done now, it will definitely be a mess prior to the next time I could get to it.

OH - showing your room on the tour.... just tell him; Dad, I'm 24, that's just weird to open my door for people. Please don't do that anymore, it makes me really uncomfortable. I would also say; if the door is open, then fine, but if I have it closed, I would appreciate your respecting my privacy.

Take care, and trust me.... Once you are out on your own, you will figure out when stuff needs to be done, in your own way and on your own schedule.

Well. I think that if you can look at him like a boss at work or landlord, you might be able to detach from how crappy he seems to be acting. Drop the spoiled brat stuff, beating yourself up isn't helpful.

Just keep working toward getting out. I know for me that was the only wa to feel better and then in the end I could actually appreciate my mom.

Nothing has changed. Can't get out of the house. Finals.... Failing that btw. and the only reason dad has let up is cause of finals.. once thats done.. its back to doing dads f*****g dishes.....








Been depressed as well.... don't want meds.. don't want doctors... just want help.. an angel to help me get out. Even if I get a room to rent for 200 bucks a month.. that would be totally fine.. no idea what to do.... I keep feeling smaller and smaller... At this point its not even about the work. At this point its more of me feeling like I just live here. I am just a person.. and I am under dads ruling. I pay rent but it matters not. I take care of myself. .. it matters not. *shrugs*


I give up...........

Muzey,
There are a few issues to address hear although most have been addressed. I am the mother of a 23 son with Asperger's. He also is in college and lives at home. WE have similar problems with him that you mentioned. Here is a couple of things I learned that might help. First of all, lists are not a bad thing. One of my son's doctors actually recommended them. It is not about the "when" of a chore but more about the "why" and the organization required to make a list. Our son is getting better at it but is not great yet. At times we do take privileges away. This is not to upset him but to show him that regardless of his AS, he still has to do what other people need to do. He does not have a job. Since you do and pay some bills to help, your dad should give you a little more leeway. However, in the end, he is just trying to make you realize that no matter what, there are times in life when we have to do things, we do not like PERIOD! I hope this helps. Like I said earlier, we are still working on this too. Our son's college has helped. You might want to consider talking to a school counselor. You do not have to share everything.

@rubylady

I don't deny that I have things to do. I understand that there are things that have to be done around the house. I understand that I have to do 'daddy's dishes'.. (though I still don't). I do the chores around the house when I can. I have to drill at school. If I don't then nothing sinks in. Now that school is out (btw i have F's and D's this semester) I can focus on the work dad wants done and not have to worry about school work. I have to satisfy three groups of people: my dad, my boss and my teachers (if I expect a good grade). I don't know how to manage all three at the same time. I tend to be messy around school time because I am out most of the day and don't get home till late mostly because of studying. He knows this. I tell him all the time I have to drill in order to get a decent grade. I mostly failed this year because I have been so depressed about the whole situation. I am not being rebellious. I vacuum twice to three times a week, I take care of my own trash, I clean up every time I am in the kitchen when I am done eating, I do my own laundry and feed the cat when needed and take care of the kitty litter, I do my own dishes, I clean up the kitchen once a week like I am supposed to and keep myself up to date with chores in my own room and I am also supposed to do the bathroom which I try to do once a week.

My concern has been on dad though as of late. Dad keeps moving stuff around the house. If I know where something is ... a few weeks later it is moved. Dad wont stop doing it even when I have requested it. He gets upset easily. I don't talk to him because it has now become very awkward for some unexplained reason. He seems depressed from what I can tell. We don't interact much anymore. I hardly can anymore. When I do it is awkward in conversation. If I talk I either get over reaction (dads girlfriend) or under reaction (dad). Regarding the bathroom work, I had my stuff moved in the bathroom to the cabinet which bugs me so I asked him not to move things. He just tells me to ask where it is and boom there it is. I am sorry I am really getting sick and tired of dad moving s**t every few weeks. Now I am not to have my stuff on the counter. I don't have much. The only thing allowed out is my tooth brush because it is electronic. I have face wash stuff and the like. No make up, now hair dryer or anything like that. Just face care. Also because I take super hot showers apparently there is mold growing in there (which I never noticed at all). I ask him to not move things but I am the bad guy and it gets washed off (no pun intended)..

I just want to be able to talk to him again. He only laughs when things make sense to him. If I say something no responce.. at all. At this point its not about the work. It's about us not being able to communicate and talk about things. Is this just something I am gonna have to get over? That it is a simple sign that Dad and I are just not gonna talk anymore.

I don't care who anyone is, I am paying him rent. I am paying to live there. I should have my services available. Even on the note of punishment, there has been no talks on it. How busy have you been? Is anything wrong? Let's talk and see if we can get this straightened out. I am not trying to get out of work. That is not my point. I just want us to talk again. I feel as a strong adult that dad should not have the right to take anything away.

RubyLady, do you talk to your kid? Do you try to get down to the niddy griddy why he doesn't do his work? Is he just lazy or is it something else? If you do talk to him then fine. But damn it, there is none of that here. There is no conversation regarding it other than I didn't do it there fore punishment. It feels blank. There is no moral to it. I have to learn on my own the lessons that I was hoping dad could teach me. If I find out this was planned from the start................. I don't know what I am going to do. I will pop. This is not ok to put someone through so much hell and mental pain just to get this kind of lesson across. I feel so much depression. I can't get my words to come out. He wasn't always like this. Not till his girlfriend came along. ( I am not blaming her. I have no hard evidence to prove anything either way.)


I have signed up for a service called Metropolitan Housing. It is for low income people whom need a place to rent. Basically, you find a place to rent and ask the land lord if they except the voucher system. Calculations are made blah blah blah..

But it could take a long time and I may have to move out again to my mothers for temporary living (which will possibly just cause more pain between him and I).


I hope this makes sense. I think this topic has helped me understand why I was so upset. In the end it was about the chores. It was about the lack of communication. The lack of...... what ever it is.








and that is that.. I guess.

I am answering as one who has Asperger's and now as a parent.
A counselor described the parents' role to me as to be like Eagles. First the inside of the nest is soft with downy feathers. Then progressively the adult eagles pull out the insides, down, to twigs, and finally leaving just big rough branches. The nest is safe and there any time the baby eagles need a break from predators, but not comfortable anymore by the time they are nearly grown.
That image helped me as a parent.

And the fact that I hated my parents' rules made moving out to independence worth all the hard work. I have concluded we are designed to irritate each other to foster growth.

Lists are one of the tools I discovered. Usually I don't get through it all, but if it's not on the list, it likely won't happen. Tomorrow is a new day, and list redone.

Dude your 24 years old move the F*ck out of your parents house and you wont have that problem. its common sense