"This is my house, my rules!"

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I promised myself not to write posts about parents enjoying their power. I've done it before, and it didn't do much other than upset people without being really understood (except a few sympathetic individuals). Well, I'm going to break that promise now. The phrase "my house, my rules" seems to show certain sense of enjoyment in demonstrating control and domination in the parent, and weakness and helplessness in the child.

No it doesn't. I don't enjoy trying to make mine feel weak and helpless when I tell them that if they live in my house they have to follow my rules. Who are you to say what someone else feels? Simply because you perceive them to feel a certain way doesn't mean they do. Thats just your perception of it, not reality.

"Grow up and move out" is the usual comeback to a child's protests.

No it's not. "Deal with it" is. Big difference.

But the child can't! He can't magically turn into an adult and move out. It'll take at least ten years. And for a little child, ten years is almost the same as a lifetime. And the phrase "my house, my rules" only enforces that reality. Now, parents who earn money, maintain the house, and keep the fridge full deserve to have power over their kids. What grinds my gears is rubbing it into the child's face with the aforementioned phrase. Once the child hears it, he knows that he's completely powerless in getting that changed, because the house isn't even his. He feels a sense of being completely overpowered, knowing that he won't be an adult for at least an eternity.

Nobody is rubbing anything into the kids face. It's not like they go in there, wake the kid up out of a sound sleep and force him to sing, dance and juggle knives for their guests as entertainment or something. Making them pick up their room or not letting them get a dog isn't lording power over them. The person who owns the house has full rights to say what can and can't be done in the house.

Would you say that the kids are doing the same to parents when they enforce their own rules on the parents when the parents are old and move in with the kids?

It wasn't always this way. As recently as 100 years ago, children had plenty of power in their own lives. By age 3, they had simplistic jobs, like dumping grain into the henhouse and wiping down store shelves. By age 8, they were already tending farm animals and using a hammer to assemble wooden crates. By age 13, they could do most jobs adults did, with a possible exception of heavy lifting. They could even start a business selling snacks or crafts on the sidewalk. Back then, even though parenting was much more strict, children had a choice to move out, because they could afford to. There were no laws forcing them to return home if they chose to take that step. So 100 years ago, let alone 200 years ago, the phrase "my house, my rules" was very much justified. The child was choosing to rely on his parents instead of making it on his own.

Yeah well plenty of kids still do get a job and move out way before 18.

But today in 2012 (soon to be 2013), children are forced to live with their parents, unless they go through an obnoxiously difficult process of emancipation. And runaway laws make moving out truly impossible before age 18. So telling them "my house, my rules" is very much unfair, because they have no choice in the matter, like they did in 1912 or 1812. I'd have no problem with the phrase if the laws were different. That or if the child had the ability to step into a time machine-like contraption and magically fast-forward his age to adulthood. But that's all wishful thinking, isn't it? OK, stepping off my soap box now.

It's so easy to judge parents when you don't have kids yourself. Children are not puppets, they are unpredictable, you do not pick their personalities or the way they are going to be. You also don't get to pick how their minds will work.

I used to think as a child that parents had kids just to control them so I couldn't wait until I had some of my own so I can be in control and enjoy punishing them. Whenever mom would tell me she does not like yelling at us, I would think that was a lie because if she didn't like it, she wouldn't be doing it. I also thought she liked punishing us kids or else she wouldn't do it, same as sending us off to bed and being the bad guy. But then when I got to my teens, I realized that is not what it's all about and parents are not doing these things to control them nor to have joy out of it. They do it because they are supposed to and it's part of being a good parent or you are being a lazy one if you are not doing your job. It is your job to teach them and teach them manners and how to act and get them ready for the real world when they are adults. Discipline and punishments happen because it's to teach the child to mind and follow the rules and obey or there are consequences. You don't want the kid to grow up and not be able to follow the rules so they keep getting into trouble with the laws or keep getting fired from work because they were never taught as kids to follow them. Kids also need limits, it's how they develop. They will also test their limits too by breaking the rules to see how serious you are so if you are consistent and follow through, you get more respect out of them. Sure to any child's perspective, parents are too controlling and always tell them what to do and they love control. When i was in 6th grade I said grown ups have all the power and kids don't. That was because I was taught to obey and follow the rules or there is a consequence and kids don't have as much rights as grown ups do. But my view changed and I didn't even need to have kids to get this so it amazes me how some people still don't get it despite being an adult. I wonder how many out there on the spectrum thought the same until they had their own children?

Since parents don't like to be the bad guys by punishing them, that is why they fail to be consistent by not following through and then they wonder why their kid never listens to them. Kids are smart so they know you are not serious with your threat so why listen? That is why they test their limits, to see where the boundaries and are how much they can get away with. Like if you tell your kid at the movies if they do not settle down and stop talking, you will leave, do leave when they do that again, not stay and tell them again to be quiet and no talking during the movie.

Sure there are parents who are truly controlling so they never let their kids make their own decisions and as a parent you are supposed to let them make their own choices like what they want for breakfast, what they want to wear to school, what do they want for McDonalds, what movie they want to see, letting them picking out a movie to rent or a game to rent. That teaches them to make decisions and as a parent you help them make the right choices so you may pull out their winter outfits and ask them which outfit do they want to wear that day. Sure there are parents who do buy things for their kids just so they can take it away. But what ends up happening is, the kid stops appreciating gifts from them and I read a post at Babycenter about this nine year old boy who was putting all his toys in trash bags and taking them out to the garage and the mother asked him what he was doing. He said he was throwing them all away and she asked him why, he said because she will just take them away anyway. The mother did not care. I thought it was sad. I once read another post by someone who said she got a car for her birthday when she was 16 and the first thing she said was "Is that so you can take it away from me?" I think there is a difference between a parent buying something for their kid they know they will enjoy and then eventually taking it away as a punishment vs buying that thing for them just to use as a punishment because they know they will enjoy the item.

If a command has to be disobeyed due to safety reasons how does the child disobey but while still showing respect?

I promised myself not to write posts about parents enjoying their power. I've done it before, and it didn't do much other than upset people without being really understood (except a few sympathetic individuals). Well, I'm going to break that promise now. The phrase "my house, my rules" seems to show certain sense of enjoyment in demonstrating control and domination in the parent, and weakness and helplessness in the child.

"Grow up and move out" is the usual comeback to a child's protests. But the child can't! He can't magically turn into an adult and move out. It'll take at least ten years. And for a little child, ten years is almost the same as a lifetime. And the phrase "my house, my rules" only enforces that reality. Now, parents who earn money, maintain the house, and keep the fridge full deserve to have power over their kids. What grinds my gears is rubbing it into the child's face with the aforementioned phrase. Once the child hears it, he knows that he's completely powerless in getting that changed, because the house isn't even his. He feels a sense of being completely overpowered, knowing that he won't be an adult for at least an eternity.

It wasn't always this way. As recently as 100 years ago, children had plenty of power in their own lives. By age 3, they had simplistic jobs, like dumping grain into the henhouse and wiping down store shelves. By age 8, they were already tending farm animals and using a hammer to assemble wooden crates. By age 13, they could do most jobs adults did, with a possible exception of heavy lifting. They could even start a business selling snacks or crafts on the sidewalk. Back then, even though parenting was much more strict, children had a choice to move out, because they could afford to. There were no laws forcing them to return home if they chose to take that step. So 100 years ago, let alone 200 years ago, the phrase "my house, my rules" was very much justified. The child was choosing to rely on his parents instead of making it on his own.

But today in 2012 (soon to be 2013), children are forced to live with their parents, unless they go through an obnoxiously difficult process of emancipation. And runaway laws make moving out truly impossible before age 18. So telling them "my house, my rules" is very much unfair, because they have no choice in the matter, like they did in 1912 or 1812. I'd have no problem with the phrase if the laws were different. That or if the child had the ability to step into a time machine-like contraption and magically fast-forward his age to adulthood. But that's all wishful thinking, isn't it? OK, stepping off my soap box now.

@ cubedemon6073 Your post reflects exactly what I meant about being a "lawyer." Is anybody here saying that we don't reason with our kids at all? Is anyone saying that there can't be exceptions, or that hard fast rules cover every single circumstance?

I don't think so.

As for the deal with your teacher, once you realized it was a misunderstanding, you can just say, "Oh, sorry, I misunderstood you."

You're splitting hairs and giving scenarios that are exceptions. Exceptions happen. As parents we all know that.

Are there unreasonable parents out there? Sure there are, but most of us love our kids and would sacrifice our own lives for them. In fact, those of us who stick by our kids do just that. Sacrifice our lives. Our lives as we knew them before we had kids. That isn't meant to guilt trip you or our kids, it's just a fact. We chose to do it, but that is what we did.

Children need to learn to respect that. It's just that simple.

Here is the thing. I'm not trying to disrespect you, refute you or argue with you. I actually agree with what you say. What I am telling you asking you comes from my experience. I didn't have the bandwidth to ask then what I am asking now. These are questions that I have had that has plagued me since I was a child and due to my not testing boundaries I do not understand. What I am asking is what are the procedures to show respect and what are the correct procedures the child must take if exceptions do occur? Because of my lack of knowledge on this I still have problems knowing what the correct procedures to take with those above me if these exceptions occur like a boss?

I'm not trying to rebel. I'm trying to obey. I ask, how do I obey?

Seriously? Come on, it's not that complicated or hard to figure out. Disobey for your own safety and explain it afterward. For crying out loud we're parents. We're not stupid. We can figure it out.

It's happened to me with my own many times. It's not that big a deal. They get over it, and so do I.

Nothing teaches you why your parents did what they did and said what they said quicker than becoming a parent yourself. And guess what? That's exactly what my parents told me all of my life until I became a father myself. Then they just sat back and chuckled at me.

Maybe that's true but some of us will never be parents and learn that way.

It was not meant that way at all. See my last reply to you. We cross posted. sorry.

This is an issue that is problematic for me. For me as a child, I never tested my boundaries or limits. My parents can vouch for this. In fact, I didn't know until recently that this was how children learned about their enviroment. My way of learning what my limits and boundaries are asking a whole bunch of questions. Apparently by what I have read on here and othe posts aspies test limits as well. Again, I must be a unique case then because I am an aspie who never tested boundaries and does not know how to set boundaries. This is one main reason I ask so many deep and sometimes philosophical questions. This means you all have certain axioms and assumptions that are missing for me.

In fact, it is difficult to understand why testing limits and boundaries is the correct and dominant method a child learns instead of asking questions and by rote. I do not have this concept as it eludes me. League_Girl, you're light years ahead of me on this and I am delayed in this department than probably most on this whole forum. Unless something is blatently obvious I will not know what your rules, limits and boundaries are unless you directly tell me.

I do want to say something about "Because I said so" or obeying the rules without knowing the reasoning. This is from my point of view and what happens sometimes within my neurology. Let's say a child is told to go into a bathtub that to the child looks scolding hot and may burn them. Is the child allowed to disobey the parents in this case?

That be a gray area. The child would say the water is too hot and all the parent has to do it adjust the water temperature. No need to punish them for not listening.

Let's say the parents tell the child to walk forward to them but the child sees a snake but the parents don't. The child tries to object but the parents still try to make them come over to them.

Then again, another gray area. The child may say there is a snake. The parents may reassure the child the snake will not bite them if they don't bother it and it's not a rattle snake. if the child is still too scared, they can go over there and get the child themselves.

If the parents command may lead the child into a dangerous situation how does the child refuse to obey but still show defference and respect? This is one case where my understanding of what my boundaries diminish.

Let's say it was a non-dangerous stituation. Let's say the child is doing something and the child's parents ask the child to come here but the child could not because if he stopped a task at this particular point the whole task would be ruined? I can't think of a concrete example offhand. How does the child show defference and respect?

This is what happened to me in 4th grade. I accidently forgot to pay and get my lunch ticket from the caferteria lady each week. I asked my 4th grade teacher if I could do it and he said "no." I thought he said "go" therefore giving me permission. He thought I was being disobedient and disrespectful and I kept telling him that I thought he said "go." He wouldn't accept that. He kept sticking to the disobedience line. What should I have done here? How should I have been respectful towards him?

Let's say the parent tells the child to do something and the command seems weird to them. To the child it feels wrong. For example, let's say a parent tells a child when he or she gets to swimming pool to go ahead and dive into the pool. For me, this wouldn't make sense. Why wouldn't the child change into his swimming trunks in the locker room first. I would be thinking the cholorine would ruin my clothes. I've seen chlorine ruin clothes before. My own common sense and sound judgement says not to do this even as a child. How does the child ask for clarification but still remain respectful while doing it?

The parent isn't telling the child to actually do it, they are telling the child they may do it. if the kid doesn't want to, they don't then.

If a command has to be disobeyed due to safety reasons how does the child disobey but while still showing respect?