Questions for mums on the spectrum

Post Reply New Topic

Thank you.

How can a feeling be disrespectful! It's not as if I've ever said it to their faces, so it's not possible for it to be disrespectful.

My own dad said to me "I wish you'd never been born." I think that is disrespectful (and cruel).

I don't actually let them know that I've taken bad comments to heart BTW.

As to 'helicopter parenting' I think that's a different thing. That is the parent of the average child who wraps them in cotton wool. With autistic children you tend to follow your instincts, you know they have low danger awareness so you maintain high vigilance, you know they will meltdown if you don't attend to their needs very responsively so you want to avoid that meltdown as it's incredibly hard on you (especially as you have sensory issues). Aside from that, my children get discipline, and they are taught what is unacceptable and acceptable behaviour. I don't mollycoddle them or over-indulge them. I just respond to what I know they need, I wouldn't call that helicopter parenting. Hands off parenting can have it's own drawbacks, especially with a child who is confused by things like an ASD child. They may find it hard to accept the level of love and care that the hands-off parent has for them, because logically (which is how the Aspie mind works) they cannot see a lot of evidence of it. Children generally will also blame parents unfairly, so if you are too hands off it can come back and bite you at some point.

Let's just say that for me to entertain those thoughts feels like I'm not honoring my children. As for the helicopter parenting comment, I meant this on general terms- not directed at any certain person. There's no set parenting model except set of parents to their individual children. Raising boys is different from raising girls. Children on the spectrum have different needs and challenges, and these change as they age. As for myself personally, my ASD son is comfortable approaching me and discussing what's on his mind, and does so most days. I also take the time to sit and watch anime with him, and listen to his musical compositions which he enjoys. We tend to be on the same page a lot, because he is older and our Aspie minds do think alike quite often. When he was younger, I tried to strike a balance to challenge his comfort level though. My goal is that even with his HFA, he can be independent, self contained, and thrive in life as much as he sets his mind to.

Almost every day. I never, ever did until I started hearing about how we (Aspies) just aren't capable of doing it-- and then I fixate on that information. Any imperfection is a reason I just can't do it. It's Mommy Insecurity from Hell.



Currently I am breathing a big sigh of relief, as DS5 has been labelled ADHD instead of AS. We still have to fight a lot of the same battles in similar ways, but at least we don't have to fight the fire-breathing stigma.

Thinking he might be spectrumite (or that all my girls are probably carriers though they so far appear to be BAP at most)-- sometimes I feel proud, sometimes horribly guilty. It's not the condition itself that makes me feel so bad, but the stigma and the baggage that goes with it.

When I only considered the condition itself (when I was young and naive, like I was with the three I had before everything blew up in my face), I never thought twice about having kids. It was, "Hell, yeah It's really no big deal. The world needs more auties." The last one?? I thought about really seriously about aborting her, and was rabid to have my tubes tied the ever-loving minute she was born.



If the thought of never seeing them again, of them wanting Mommy and Mommy not being there and not knowing why Mommy went away didn't absolutely shred my heart and guts and soul, I'd already be gone. I actually set out to run away once. I walked off, bought camping gear, and was hiking into the woods to hide-- but I had to keep calling my friend with instructions for him to give Hubby about how to cope and how to care for the kids, and eventually I got talked into coming home.

If I could bear to give them up, if I had a nice NT woman lined up to take my place and help Hubby through it and I thought for a minute that my departure would buy them a better life, I'd already be gone.

I'd probably impale myself on a sharpened stick in the woods somewhere, or just stop eating and starve, or die of a broken heart cleaning up New Orleans or Detroit or some horrible third-world electronics dump-- or set out to get killed as a labor organizer in Bangladesh. I would miss them so much I would have a deathwish. But if I thought I could buy them a better life with the absense of my presense, I'd already be gone.

It won't. It might buy them a more normal life, would certainly buy them a more normal mother. But that's not necessarily better (if I can just keep from thinking that I must turn us all into round pegs and jam us into round holes at any cost, no matter the cost, anyway. If I can't jettison that stupid thinking, I'm just abusive).



No. I used to be. Then I realized that I really am a better mom if I don't take it so damn seriously. Yes, I do think taking it too darn seriously is an Aspie thing. Perfectionism is an Aspie thing. I think it's a survival mechanism rather than a trait of the condition, but it's damned maladaptive either way.

When I'm thinking right, I'm the type of mum who gives parenting about 85% because I love the living crap out of it, and them, and it's a lot of work and a lot of fun and an important job and the number one thing I want to be doing. Everyone loves their kids, but I think a lot of parents don't love parenting. I'm trying really, really hard not to make that a value judgment.



I don't think people find it as easy as they make it seem. People-- even grown-up Aspies-- learn to be sensitive to how they will be judged. I'm about the only person I know who makes my bad attitude days as public-- or even more public-- than my good attitude days. I'm not really sure why I do that. I think maybe it's the classic cry for help.

Nothing about parenting is easy. I think society, with all it's fears and demands and judgments (not to mention ADVERTISING!! !) makes it a lot harder than it has to be. But things always look easier from the road over, and just because it is not easy does not mean it can't be a raving joy. It would not be half so much fun if it was all board games and ice cream.

Last edited by BuyerBeware on 14 Apr 2013, 5:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yes, don't let it upset you too much. Kids-- even NT kids-- are likely to blow up and say hurtful things they really don't mean. The idea that those blow-ups do not happen to others, should not happen to anyone, would not happen if you were a good parent-- that is illusion. It is simply not reasonable and not true.

Also I used to say things like that over very minor things, when I wasn't even upset. I felt very, very, very sheepish and shamed years later when I realized that the adults in question did not realize I was using figurative speech. I guess I did it wrong?? I still struggle with that. I have often read that autistics do not use figurative language, metaphor, hyperbole, et cetera-- it is not true. I use it too much and cannot seem to remove it from my speech. I am trying to learn to point out when I am using figurative language and should not be taken literally.