Diagnosed 2 days ago

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Your perspective is very interesting. I hope your son progresses. I know about the diversity of ASD but the more I read about autism the more it seems that a majority end up dependent. I am not being defensive about not having autism, its something that I thought a lot about and even had conversations with my mother to see if I had these traits. As much as it would help to explain things, it doesn't match most of the symptoms of Asperger's or Autism. The reason is that I never had issues interpreting people. I've taken a test just to see if I had it and it wasn't even close. Am I a geek, yes? Am I on the ASD scale, no. Frankly I don't really care if I am. My son on the other hand has matched so far every symptom. There are some things that are still atypical which give me hope. He babbles a lot. He recently increased the range of sounds. With some work I can get his attention. But its mostly brief. I can get him to laugh. He asks to be picked up if he is sleepy or upset. When asking to be picked up he prefers his mom and will not let his grandfather pick him up. He notices me when I come home. But the reality is that 99% of the time he is in his own world, he doesn't try to see what we point to or do. He doesn't respond to his name. He does repetitive things, and he does flap his arms and run in circles. He also sometimes hits his head in the back of the chair. The difference between him and every kid in the neighborhood is now obvious. Its tough because I don't know which side of the spectrum he is on, and I fear for the worst.

^^^
To be clear , I think it's good that you don't want to institutionalize your son and if you and your wife can take care of him until you no longer can and other family members can look after him beyond that time in a loving manner, then I think he'll be much better for it. Of course even good support workers aren't as good as a caring parent, IMO.

I still live at home with my mum and am finishing my degree in Library Science slowly. My grandfather lived at home with us until he shortly before he died.

The only thing I wanted to explain was that if the absolute worst came to pass and there was no one to look after him or it was beyond the capacity of non-professionals, there are good institutions and government programs here in North America, so he wouldn't be doomed. If he lives in the care of family then there are also programs designed to help disabled adults live more productive, fulfilling lives here.

Of-course it's hard to be positive about it all the time. I definitely think it's very normal and okay to be upset (and have other negative feelings) upon finding out that your child has a severe disability and may have a lot of difficulty in life. Hopefully, as he grows up and there is more certainty about his level of functioning and an appropriate plan in place to support him, you'll be able to think more positively about things.

Some good things: At-least he is in otherwise good physical health and can live a long life. At-least he lives in North America where there are good programs and therapies to support him. It isn't perfect here, far from it but there are better resources available than in many other countries. As to one of your original questions "will he ever respond to his Aba?" the answer is most likely , yes, he will develop some capacity to respond. Most autistic children do. *ETA-Many parents of autistic children do form a bond, a connection with their child. Although he may be incapable of responding for a long time, many of us develop slowly and have major "social growth spurts" later as we grow. Don't give up. Most autistic people also find things that make them happy in life, often very intense passions, though not necessarily normal ones, so it's not like he'll be miserable all the time.

I wish your family well, g-d bless you all.

It's interesting that you use a meteorological phenomenon as an image to express your feelings.'

Everyone talks about the weather, but no one does anything about it!
Why? Because there is nothing to be done.

The pursuit of control is a waste of time. You can train to become skilled in various disciplines and thus improve your flexibility in responding to the chaotic vicissitudes of life, but, ultimately, you control nothing. Control is an illusion and hurricanes teach this reality well.

My reading and discussions with others tells me that parents always struggle with the difference between the reality of their children's beings and the imagined futures and the projected longings the try to shape their children into. The children have inner natures that will emerge, no matter the desire or controlling effort of the parents.

This fleeting world is like a star at dawn, bubbles in a stream or a flash of lightning in darkness. The events of life pass like a dream. We may will one thing or another, but things unfold in their own way and the only certainty is change.

You said "My son since he was born has been perfect." Hold fast to this perception. Together you will find a way to deal with things as they are and rejoice in the good you find and make. That's all there ever is, in the end.

Bkdad I know it's hard. But you may be getting ahead of yourself.

Will your child ever be perfectly typical? Probably not.

But he babbles, you can make him laugh, and he likes you and his mom to pick him up. And can be engaged. He's only 19 months. This may not be as hard as you are expecting.

The bar for toddlers is set a bit low to encourage early intervention. And sometimes it works.

Meanwhile reading is good. And look for how you can share his world and help him share yours.

These are huge! Very positive signs. I would suggest that you look into Floortime/DIR -- it's all about expanding your child's engagement with the world through play. It is far too soon to be dwelling on the worst case scenarios. Focus on doing the best by your son for the next 1-3 years, and then reassess where he's at and what he needs next.

My DH went through a spell about 2 years ago where he despaired of ever having a relationship with our son and wondered out loud if he should just focus his energy on the younger siblings. And this was with a kid who was fully verbal and engaged with the world! Recently he told me that I was right that things wouldn't be as they seemed then forever -- our son has changed so much since then, and the two of them go camping and do cub scout projects and are really developing an amazing father-son relationship.

You've mentioned some good, strong positive signs so I have a lot of hope for your child. He is far too young for anyone of us to know what his future will look like, but do not assume he will be dependent; odds are good for a different result, and constantly getting better.

Of course you worry. How can you not? But do NOT let that distract you or keep you from doing what needs to be done here and now: engaging with and knowing your child. Everything flows from that.

I apologize for bringing up the "maybe you are ASD, too" question, for that ended up being a distraction. My original idea was that if you saw a connection, it might help you and your child. And, also, I do want to make sure you let go of the control concept. We parents don't get to control much, no matter how much we think we are supposed to and no matter how hard we try. We do get to influence, though, which is different.

Anyway, I wish you the best during this transition time and all the difficult or wonderful times that will ebb and flow from here.

If he lets your wife and you into his world, even 1% of the time, that is a very good thing that is easy to underestimate the value of. That is the bridge you need, and it is already built! When my son was young that was what we used to build the relationship. If your child will allow others to visit his world, it makes it so much easier to grow that world to include others and for him to have the bravery to step into the larger world. He will prefer those who spend the most time with him, and share the things he likes. As he gets older, he might have special interests you can share. I have found in my experience for this to be key.

As far as the dependence/independence thing, remember that there is more focus on the more severe side of the spectrum than the milder end. As a person schooled in mathematics, you will be tempted to look at the statistics as though they decide your child's fate. They don't.

He has lots of good signs. He babbles and laughs and wants, at least to some degree, to engage with you.

He's LITTLE. ITTY-BITTY LITTLE. He's still a BABY.

I'm not saying there's nothing wrong, but-- honey, it's too soon to be getting yourself upset over what he might or might not be able to do 16 or 18 or 20 years from now.

Don't go reaching for another baby right away, either. Take some time to work with the child you have. Your wife is 27 and you are 32. Time is something you have plenty of.

Don't worry too much about what the future might be. Don't let that fear steal the child you have right in front of you from you. He may not be the child you expected, but he IS the child you have had for the last 19 months. That perfect little baby isn't any less real than he was a week ago, or a month ago.

I have to talk to my mother-in-law right now. I'll try this again later.

Thanks for the insight. I am curious. You are getting a degree, you seem highly intelligent and extremely well versed in your writing. Is it not easy to find a job with such a mind? Sorry you don't have to answer me if its too personal. However I really do think that based on your responses to me that you are better than most people I come across.

Many people with autism are of average or above-average intelligence. Many go to college, and some even have multiple and/or advanced degrees.

they seemed more eloquent than people on lets say a sports or photography forum.

Its more of a personal question since I was wondering why would so many people have trouble finding a job if they are smart and educated

I know that. I know that many famous scientists like Einstein had it. From reading the responses that I got here from people with ASD, they seemed more eloquent than people on lets say a sports or photography forum. Its more of a personal question since I was wondering why would so many people have trouble finding a job if they are smart and educated. I was just curious to find more about Dreamer's story.

Thank you its very encouraging. I am getting more positive. The people of this forum have been really helpful. One thing that I realized was that its possible that my grandfather could be somewhere on the spectrum. He always was socially awkward. He can tell a story and doesn't understand that its too long and I want him to stop. I can look at my watch and yawn and he will not notice. When he talks on the phone he hangs up and doesn't say bye. He is preoccupied with the radio and has a routine where he falls asleep with it playing the news. He has been like this even when he was much younger. He never knew that he might have had ASD. Maybe the autism epidemic is a self fulfilling prophesy. Maybe these symptoms do exist, but for a large portion of people knowing that they have it leads to fear of socialization. I just wonder if as an antisocial teenager, that I was told that I had ASD, would I have the same life? I don't know if this is true but its something that I wonder about.

I know that. I know that many famous scientists like Einstein had it. From reading the responses that I got here from people with ASD, they seemed more eloquent than people on lets say a sports or photography forum. Its more of a personal question since I was wondering why would so many people have trouble finding a job if they are smart and educated. I was just curious to find more about Dreamer's story.