Parenting a Step-child with AS

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I doubt envy this guy. He will be HURTING come morning.

I'm finding this post rather late, but I feel the exact same way. I have been a step parent now for FIVE years to an autistic child with an IQ of about 46, and possible other personality disorders. I have tried over and over to bond with her!! I try to cook with her, try to do puzzles, play games, I buy educational books. She will do it for maybe 5 minutes, then go back to playing her video games. I've been faking interest in this child for 5 years. I have zero attachment and it hurts me! I am deeply attached to my children, my friend's kids...And I know its very easy to blame it on the "evil step moms," but I see it in my husband as well. And its HIS child. Her speech is very poor, she refuses to do anything she doesn't want to do, and he's so afraid of a temper tantrum, that he gives in to her wishes. Mostly she stays at home with us, or at his mom's house. She's 13 now, and its such an extremely sad and bleak future. She has no friends, and all her cousins are growing up, and have sports or jobs on the weekends, so its increasingly difficult to find a play mate for her. And the worst part, is she's quite aggressive and mean. She's not quiet and meek by any stretch. She gives mean looks, says she hates you. It's never a pleasent, fun weekend. It feels like me and my husband simply go thru the motions(pick her up, clock in some time before she goes to visit grandma, pick her up from grandma, clock in a few more hours, then drop her off) Oh, and the reason she spends so much time with grandma, is because she's obsessed with her grandmother. Grandmother spoils her, waits on her, lets her do anything she wants. Also, my husband simply doesn't know what to do with a 13 year old girl who has a mind of a 5 year old. But he will not admit it to me!! ! Thus me googling others with similar situations at 1am, lol. There are so many forums about loving special needs children. And do not get me wrong, in the 5 years I have not even so much as raised my voice to her!! ! But not everyone finds the experience rewarding and fulfilling. It is a constant struggle for some!! !! Hopefully the woman who started this forum can update me if anything has changed with her.

IQ tests can be inaccurate for autistic people for a variety of reasons. Your step-daughter certainly sounds more intelligent than "about 46". Is that a real test score, or are you guessing?

I know someone in a similar situation. Must be one of the hardest things a person can do. I really feel for all you step-parents.

IMHO there's a lot of wisdom right here in this thread - though some of it may be worded in ways that are "hard to swallow" for neurotypical people. My favorite are BuyerBeware's posts, but also so many others.

Aria2323:

I will try to be constructive and nice ---but it really sounds like you have a lot of dislike for that child, and as a parent of an autistic child, it really is hard to read.

Maybe you would benefit from some individual counseling? I would also recommend family counseling, but I think it would be very hard if not impossible to find a family counselor knowledgeable enough about autism to be of any practical value.

The reality is that if you have an autistic child who is in one or multiple capacities on the more severe side---whether it is self-care issues, behavioral issues, really any aspect---that child's issues will dominate and take up a very large amount of your family's energy (and usually money and time.) That is part of the deal. It just is.

That means that if you want to be pair-bonded with the father, these issues become your issues, and these priorities become your priorities. You either have to find a way to embrace these challenges and get over your dislike for this child and convert it to empathy or something positive, or it will continue to make you feel like your life has been ruined and you are metaphorically undertaking the trials of Hercules. Or you need to get out.

This probably sounds very harsh because I have a feeling you want to hear it will get better and that you hope if you hear this you can push through until then. What if it is forever? You have to figure out how to have a more positive approach. The extra benefit of this is your step-daughter may like you better and maybe can cobble together a more positive relationship, making it more pleasant for both of you.

If you are honestly depicting your husband's attitude that is problematic as well, b/c you do not describe him of having much love for his daughter--as though it is all rote-obligation. If this is true and your description is not merely a cynical attempt to convince us that the girl is so bad her father does not even like her, this is very very sad that this girl has no one in her life who shows her any authentic love and affection.

Yeah, I know I said I would try to be nice, but it was really, really hard because I really do feel for this poor girl more than I do for you.

You are NOT alone and I could really use someone to talk to as well as your situation is extremely similar to mine. My fiancé has a Stepson who is almost 15 and lives with us who is autistic/aspergers. My son is 11. We all live together and everything you wrote is me to a tee! I feel horrible, but I cant help how I feel about him. I want to be the one that helps him and makes him successful but at the same time, I struggle daily to love him.....and that makes me feel like a horrible human being, and I question myself that if it were MY SON from my loins, would I be the same way? Another thing is that he watched his mother die in a car accident about 3 years ago and he was only officially diagnosed autistic and started seeing a therapist as a direct result of me making his stepfather take him somewhere because he is ALMOST in as much denial as the childs real mother was about his diagnosis. They had him on Adhd Meds, and he is AUTISTIC. I knew that from the first real interaction I had with him.

Someone with more patience than I will be with you shortly, I trust.

I don't think society necessarily expects you to love your partner's child from another relationship. That is neither natural nor practical. What society seems to demand is that you be a decent stepparent who treats your stepchildren reasonably well. The condemnation of the "wicked stepmother" does not result from her failure to love her stepchildren like her own biological children. Rather - and this is JMO - the condemnation is in response to the wicked stepmother's detestation of her innocent stepchildren and her wanton mistreatment of them. I don't think even Snow White's stepmom would be so disliked if she had admitted to being jealous of her "fair stepdaughter", but had done nothing proactively to harm the girl, KWIM ?

IMO, as this person is not yet married to the father, she should walk away from him NOW. i commend her for being honest and admitting that she "struggles" to love the teen, but if she has to fake even mere *acceptance* of the boy, then she needs to seriously re-evaluate her relationship with his stepfather. It is difficult enough to act a certain way in public and to hold up / conform to social norms at all times when outside our homes. It will be extremely exhausting and stressful for her to also have to put on appearances in her private life, and not having the opportunity to relax and being herself, in her own home and around / with her own man. And sooner or later, that stress will tell and he WILL pick up on the fact that she detests his son, then what ?

I think that she should leave NOW. She is just signing up for long term trouble by marrying someone whose child she actively dislikes. Who cares if "Society" will condemn her for leaving a relationship because of her partner's parenting responsibilities ? Society is not going to live her life nor will Society offer her a helping hand in this regard. Her life, her decisions.

This situation has all the ingredients necessary to create another Chernobyl. She should scram NOW, when the going is still good.

Im on board with others who have said that you should probably do the kid a favor and not marry his dad. The kid is 7 now. While he will change over the years, it is not likely that he will "Get better" as you probably imagine he will or that the situation will become "Easier" to deal with. You need to imagine in your mind what things will be like for you when he is 25, still autistic, and still living at home. If you aren't able to love him NOW you certainly won't THEN and I'm not really sure how that all would work. You seem to openly despise him. I can't imagine how this marriage would ever work out. When you marry someone who already has children, you arent just marrying them, you are marrying their FAMILY. Honestly if you don't at least like the children, it's kind of a deal breaker.

You could try faking it as others have said... but YOU would never really be happy like that. The kid might benefit, but what about you living with someone for 20 years that you can't stand but you have to act like you care about them? Think really hard about that!