How do I explain that I'm not lazy if I refuse a request?

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I think that's sort of what I was trying and failing to get at. That's not just an ASD thing-- that's a KID THING. It's just harder and longer for ASD kids to learn, and probably more intensely horrible for both kid and parent while they're learning it.

Hmmm... I think I'm going to channel Saint Alan for a minute... What would he have done?? What did he do?? Hmmmm... *makes mystical motions over crystal ball*

Instead of trying to express it by talking about all the different things you do, have you tried just telling him outright that there is, in fact, a hierarchy?? That people will get sick if meals aren't cooked, will smell bad if laundry isn't cleaned, could die if they aren't safe, and these things HAVE TO HAPPEN?? Whereas the mask is, while a BIG WANT, a want nonetheless, and life will go on if he doesn't get it?? Have you just done it, outright, almost in a way that would be just about rude if you were talking to an NT adult???

Not hateful or spiteful, but, you know, an NT adult would really take offense to being told that?? Because, you know, the difference between an NT adult and an ASD kid...

I don't know. I'm probably totally full of it. I wish I were thinking more clearlyer.

This is more in the vein of what I'm looking for - but, yes, I've tried it (not with this thing, but in the past.) His feelings get hurt because I don't understand how important the whatever-it-is is. I'm not trying to make him seem snotty, he genuinely places whatever his main priority-of-the-week is of the day above food, health, cleanliness, etc. and can't understand why I don't, too. The flip side of that, of course, is that, as his Mom and somebody who loves him, I should be just as focused on this priority as he is.

I do, often, go on strike and have him fend for himself, and he can do that. It's not an issue of changing his behavior - he does not understand. I have tools to change his behavior - but I feel like this is going to be a really important issue as he starts becoming more focused on his friends and less on me, and I don't think he's going to get there at the same rate as the other kids do, and I forsee consequences.

I suppose this might just be a developmental thing I just have to wait for...

I think this might be the case, given that you seem to have tried many times to help him understand. For now, you may have to be content with getting him to follow the social rules, even if he doesn't really "get" them.

Very well may be. I was in my tweens or teens when Saint Alan finally managed to bang that through my head. Probably in my mid-teens by the time I really got it down.

Tell you a story: The summer I was 11, I could basically differentiate "want" and "need." My mother was busy dying; my grandparents were busy taking care of her while she did it. Other than meals, safety, and hygiene, I was on my own.

So, one day, I wanted to go to my friend's house (about 3-5 miles away, along US 250 most of the way-- hey, it was 2-lane blacktop, speed limit 30-45 at the time). Grandma said I could go, but didn't have time to take me. My friend's mom said I could come, but her car wasn't running and she couldn't come get me. I got that Mom needed Grandma a lot more than I did, and I got that my friend's mom couldn't help the car situation. But it was just SO DAMN UNFAIR that we had permission to hang out, but all these circumstances were in our way.

So I had a massive meltdown, cried around for a while, and then decided I had two perfectly good feet, and it was reasonable and responsible for me to take myself to my friend's house. I would walk on the correct side of the road (facing traffic), I would walk on the other side of the guardrail when possible, and I would call when I got there. So I told Grandma that I was going for a walk, filled up my water bottle, and went.

Needless to say, I got in a shedload of trouble. I was the worst-behaved, brattiest, most selfish and spoiled child on the face of the Earth. I DID NOT understand. I had a want that conflicted with a need; I found a way to solve it myself without putting anyone out of their way. I was proud of myself. I 200% DID NOT GET that they also had a need to know that I was safe, and a need (maybe a want??) to avoid the judgment that would come with half the town seeing 11-year-old BeeBee the Brat hoofing it along US 250. ToM FAIL!! !!

It ran in my mind yours was around that age (yes, sometimes I'm an idiot who does not see the piece of data right in front of me). If he is younger, especially much younger... you are going to be banging this lesson for a long time yet before the lightbulb finally comes on. Keep banging until you find the way of banging that works with your kid, and then, well, keep banging.

It is frustrating and terrifying, isn't it???? I've seen adults who still don't get the difference between "want" and "need." It's not a pretty picture. Thinking about our kids possibly growing up into those people makes our blood run cold. I'm trying to hold onto hope based on the knowledge that ALL of the people I've seen come to adulthood like that had parents who didn't give a crap and didn't learn the lesson themselves. So, you know, we know. We give a crap. We're plugged in. Someday we'll be standing where DW is at, looking at the finished or almost-finished product, going "The kid is all right. All right enough, anyway. The kid is not all wrong."

Yes - DS is 14, but also male, so I'll give him that learning this lesson will take longer. But what you just said is what worries me - he does needs to learn it eventually. Especially since privileged males in particular can successfully live their whole lives under the assumption that their wants are more important than other people's needs.

As the mother of a 15 year old I can only say that comparing wants and needs is a conversation I have had many times - and continue to have when my daughter gets fixated on something she REALLY wants.

I have a couple of ideas - not sure if they are helpful or not.

1. There is a book called "How Full Is Your Bucket?" It talks about how what you do effects others and that when you have an empty bucket you can't continue to give to others - I would suggest reading it and having him read it - repeatedly

2. Come up with a short statement that summarizes your point of view - you may have already done this - and use it, then refuse to discuss it any further - for example with my own child she had a hard time not interrupting me when I was working from home - my phrase was "If you are not bleeding or on fire leave me alone." Every time she interrupted me I would repeat the phrase and then ignore anything else she had to say (mind you her father was no more than 15 feet away in the living room and perfectly capable of helping her) Eventually she learned that she was not going to get what she wanted from me and she would go to her father when the office door was closed.

This may seem harsh, but your son probably understands more than you think or he wouldn't be trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants. IMO if he truly did not understand he would be pitching fits and melting down in a far more dramatic fashion when he didn't get what he wanted instead of thinking about it enough to try verbal manipulation.

If you are consistent with the message eventually he will understand. (at least I hope so because I am living the same argument with mine and I like to remain hopeful)

Good Luck

I hope this won't sound obnoxious, but here I go. Please tell me if I'm being too pushy or unsympathetic.

I think it shouldn't be so complicated. It's my job as a parent to teach what you're talking about, supporting and respecting others. But children sometimes argue. I tell mine they need to respect me. And it's a annoying and upsetting when they act entitled. But it's still my job to be the mom and try to be understanding and patient as best I can without necessarily going along with what they ask for and without blaming them for being selfish, as much as I can. Because I feel I need to have standards and expectations, but also to set the example of how I want my mess to behave towards others and that is calmly and with respect and kindness towards others even when they disagree. So to me when he says you are lazy or has a meltdown I'd try to be understanding he is disappointed, but that doesn't change that we don't call each other names in our family no matter how angry we feel and while I want understanding of perspective, the only thing I feel I as a mom should insist on is the not calling names or being aggressive. Those things are unkind and not related to want or need. Because even if he NEEDED what he says he has to have, he should not engage aggressive or namecalling behaviors to get his way, and I've seen you write that to other parents.

You're entitled to insist that your son behave toward you with respect and if he can't yet, keep trying. Don't back down from this expectation because he isn't. He needs to be gently but firmly kept on task IMO about learning to behave well even when he's disappointed and even when not only his wants but his needs aren't being met. And you get to teach him how you want to have him negotiate for things, whether to bully you and others or to be who you (I think) want him to grow up to be.

I can't really add too much to what has already been (very well) said. I have been reading the responses with interest because I feel like I'm in a similar situation; perhaps not as contentious but definitely a question of balance - knowing when I am helping my child vs. completely enabling her.

The only thing I can think of adding is perhaps if you go through *all* the steps that are involved in creating/purchasing this cosplay costume, listing them all with the costs (both time and actual money associated with it) and show it to your son, would he perhaps glean a better understanding of why you are so frustrated? Not addressing the "lazy" name-calling issue (because I think you have received lots of terrific advice on this), but more the why he shouldn't feel he deserves/is entitled to your undivided attention with the mask and costume. If you list all the things necessary to make this costume happen, I think it would be interesting to divide the list in half (or into thirds; whatever is do-able for you) and say, "You are responsible for this part of making this costume happen". Maybe it's a financial contribution, or time cutting the fabric/sewing, or procuring the outfit. If he balks, would it be fair to turn his comment right back at him and ask him, "If I am 'lazy' for not doing the whole costume, are you not 'lazy' in doing half of what I ask?"

As others have pointed out, there is an immense difference in time involved with say, helping unpack the groceries vs. creating a costume from scratch. If one really wanted to get down to brass tacks, you could tally up the time you have asked him to help recently and say that you will devote as much time in helping him as he has in helping you. Not a great response, but one he may understand better?

LOL, I haven't tried this with my son, but I did do it for my husband when my son was an infant. Maybe this is the way to go. For the rest of you who need it, have you tried this (and while it is very gender-biased, it works for anyone who takes care of caregiving and household management.) http://www.salary.com/mom-paycheck/

Waterfalls, you aren't being pushy at all - but it isn't that I'm having trouble with the name-calling; we have gotten to a place where we can address it fairly quickly. It's more about trying to help my son with the TOM deficit driving the behavior.

There are loads of perfectly-behaved children who turn into monsters the minute they hit college (case in point, all the campus rapes that have been in the news, or the fatal binge-drinking) because their parents expected only obedience and didn't help them understand WHY to behave. That's (in a less extreme form, I think) is what worries me here.

Some TOM deficit may just need time. Only you can decide whether he's making progress overall toward understanding that others are people with feelings, or not. If he's not growing, I guess you need to find a way to push. I got some great ideas from this thread, I'm sorry you're going through this, but I'm glad you posted!

Hahaha...

I tried the "mom salary" thing on my FIL once when he was on a rant about me being a worthless leech on his son's neck because I'm a SAHM and the house wasn't perfect and the dinner didn't look like Betty Crocker herself made it.

He said, "OK, show me the money, you goddamn b***h."

Sometimes I think I should have filed for a divorce then and there. If it makes you feel any better about your 14-year-old Aspie...

...this man was in his 50s. Neurotypical. And I had just finished supporting his son through seven and a half years of engineering school.