Made the mistake of reading the parent's forum

Post Reply New Topic

OP, you "made the mistake of reading the parent's forum" and then decided to post here?
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

I don't think that is a fair inference to make. I don't think OOM's post showed a lack of empathy. She explained how the post would be taken by many people, and she said it in a direct way. I don't see how that directness is any worse than the OP's directness which you seem to imply that it is.

I am not saying this to defend OOM but she has the tendency to say things in a none tactful way. It could be her ASD that does it or she just simply refuses to "sugar coat" it she calls it because she thinks you have to be mean to be honest. This is the logic some people have, ASD or not. Some people believe you have to be mean to say what you really mean or else it's sugarcoating it if you say it in a nicer way because they see it as being dishonest.


But actually I think saying things in a mean way doesn't help any situation and people just get defensive to the meanness and the discussion doesn't go anywhere so the person gets pissed because no one is listening to their advice. That is why rules exist about insults and attacks. I think it's in some peoples nature to be mean while it's not in my nature to be mean so it always comes natural for me to be tact because I don't like to be mean or upset people. Some people have the personality where they don't give a s**t about feelings and will just say whatever they want and then they whine about political correctness or being censored or not being allowed to be honest when they are told to follow the rules and be nice to people. It's not really an ASD thing because I have seen none ASD people do it too.

please, people, let's drop it. she's gone at least for now, and if she ever continues in the same manner she'll be banned.

I am sorry that I got as upset with OOM as I did. I was initially under the impression that she was a non-ASD person due to her initial comments in this thread, and then when I found out she wasn't, I was shocked by her lack of understanding towards other ASD people.

I was not aware that telling somebody that nobody wanted their negativity around them and saying they should leave was against the rules, and if I broke any rules, I apologize.

I will try my best to avoid these sorts of reactions in the future. It just really bothered me how she was talking to other ASD people who often, IME and IMO, can not defend themselves properly or freeze up when being berrated. It made me feel bad and I reacted.

OOM, please accept my apology for my reaction.

Mods, please do not take this as meaning that I am a trouble maker. I am not. I just happen to be sensitive.

I liked OOM's posts on a variety of topics.
She is one of the few people who says things straight and seems to live in real world of real humans instead of fantasy world.

On the topic of parenting, I prefer the type of parents who let me be myself, but also push me to do things for myself, like the independent functioning things for adulthood on my own and basic social/communication skills to interact with people. The type of parent I don't like is the one who consistently limits and underestimates their children by babying them too much, letting them have their way too much, not eggspecting anything from them, not teaching them any skills, holding them back academically, etc.

I like what OOM has to say. A lot. I don't always agree, but she is a thoughtful poster, and engages meaningfully on a whole host of topics. And for the record, a lot of people on this thread did agree with her take on the situation.

Can we all try as best as we can to read past the delivery to see the message? This is a board where it's very easy to have miscommunication, so giving each other the benefit of the doubt can go a long way to preserving the sense of community so many have worked so hard to build.

I'd encourage new folks to read the body of posts by an individual before judging them. And concluding that someone is a bad parent, or worse, sharing that conclusion publicly is so harmful. And to the mods, I know I'm treading on dangerous ground here, but banning is so very serious, especially when someone has shown how dedicated they are. Trolls - I get. But, many of the people on this thread have a much longer history interacting with OOM, and therefore a better understanding of how she tends to communicate.

OP - not sure if it matters anymore, but I am very happy with my children and they delight me everyday. I would love to see more celebratory threads here, just so that I could share our joy without feeling bad. But, the focus of this forum has historically been on problem solving, and I respect that since there aren't too any safe places to really dive into the subject.

I'm just not really sure why it's ok to give a "pass" to one person for having a "strongly worded response" [...ok] because of something they might be sensitive about [someone else suggested that, and I'm just going on that] but another individual who was making an effort to explain how they were trying to avoid conflict gets none of that- though they are also likely expressing what they did because they are sensitive about things they have previously run into.

I mean, it's really not ok to yell at people. And that's what's going on.
Every other person in this thread, even the people who didn't like the OPs message, were at least civil in their discourse.
Why does someone get a pass because... they "tell it like it is"?

It's not "telling it like it is" to be rude and try to make people feel bad because one may be sensitive about a subject. It's just not. You can be perfectly frank without tearing someone down. I get that we all have a lot of stuff going on in our lives, but I'm not sure saying X person can be brutal about what they say because "that's simply how they communicate" is the best way to support everyone. Including X person.

You don't need to be warm and fuzzy to be respectful- when challenged a person shouldn't go on to insult people who challenge them. But that seems to happen pretty frequently.

Insulting isn't part of a "communication challenge". It is an active and conscious choice.
I'm confused on why that is acceptable.

But, you know, I'm being candid here and for some reason that isn't ok coming from ME, but is ok coming from some other members. Which I've never really understood either.

I actually posted because I thought OOM was being held to a different standard.

It should all be the same one, but people are going to disagree at times. We're all adults; hash it out and move on. No need to call people bad mothers or threaten to ban them, unless the overwhelming conclusion is that they're a destructive force. This doesn't rise to that level, imp. It's just a bit of a tussle that was debated and should be over and done.

I personally prefer that people say what they want to say how they want to say it.
Sometimes, wp feels suffocating, because some people have lots of eggspectations that others should say things this way or that way that makes them comfortable, but others find it difficult or impossible to communicate like that.

I've gotten accused of being insulting before and I had no idea how I was insulting. So you can insult unintentionally or was that person lying to me or so full of it and they just read me that way?

It's great some people like OOM have the balls to speak up and say how they feel without fearing they will get banned or get in trouble for it like I am. What I find puzzling is she is still able to still be respected while I got none of that.

I'm not posting in or reading this thread anymore, if you would like to contact me privately please feel free. As I stated originally I will be avoiding this section of the forum altogether now. I neither wish to offend anyone or have three pages devoted to how offensive I am any day of the week. Cheers.

I am going to add that Aspies and Fellow Travelers (Meaning people who may not identify as being on the spectrum in a strict sense, but have spectrum-like traits) tend to be problem solvers by nature. Personally, I rarely (not never, but rarely) post just to get empathy, but usually for help with a specific issue from people who are familiar with ASD issues and who are pro-ASD. That doesn't mean I only see the issues and see nothing else. It means that is when I am most likely to be social and to ask questions.

Many of us have different parenting styles. Some are more Laissez-Faire and some are more hands-on; but by-and-large we try to do what is right for our own individual and unique children. Acknowledging that there are challenges to trying to parent a child who does not fit the usual, generic user manual (typical child rearing books) does not mean we are not positive about our kids' strengths.

OOM and I generally on opposite sides of a lot of parenting issues, but I find her opinions to be valuable and useful especially for those who have kids who are a good fit for that style of parenting. Even for those of us who have kids who need more scaffolding, and hand holding, it is good to see her posts to keep out of a cocoon of only hearing voices that validate our own.

Edited to add: Yes, I saw the OP posted before I clicked "submit" but I submitted it anyway because I felt I still wanted to say this, regardless of if the OP returns to this thread or not.

Are you saying that because you think that there are a significant number of people on this forum (or on other forums?) who seem to live in a fantasy world?

Yes, not many or most, but some.

mistersprinkles - I appreciated your support. I'm trying to figure out how to delete my op if that's possible because I should have gone with my gut and not posted in a parent's forum at all. Olive's very harsh and over the top reaction to me was extremely upsetting, and it has resulted in this thread being all about Olive (which I think she might enjoy). She has been very rude to a number of people directly from what I can see when looking through her posts from the last four days or so; whereas apparently I have been rude to everyone equally. Supposedly. Just by saying what I feel and not personally attacking anybody. These posts are are exactly what I meant by labourious. I guess asking for no labourious comments was a bit idiotic of me to do.

Everybody enjoy picking me apart and talking about how great it is that Olive put me in my place in a thread that I started to meet some like-minded parents where I didn't personally attack anybody.

Jesus crisps.