Do you enjoy being a parent?

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This post has put a big smile on my face. I am sincerely happy for you and wish you both the best.

My daughter wanted to interact almost all the time. I enjoyed interacting with her but when other things needed my attention, that could be a problem. She did become more independent. Preschool helped.

If I don't have good sleep, I will lose my job, guaranteed. I will fail in my studies. Trying to work my way through school has made me feel quite stressed lately but if I don't get sleep, I'll get fired. If I don't have a lot of spare time at home, I won't be able to complete my assignments for school.I'm bothered by this as well. I'd rather have kids a few years later. My last girlfriend wanted to wait until she was 30. My current girlfriend has given me a few reasons but I think I know the real one. First she said if she waited 'till she was 30, she should be too old to have a baby. She says the risk of complications is too high at 30. I think that's just plain wrong. She wants to do it at 25. Then she says the pill will stuff up her health (I asked about that on another website. The response came back that it would unbalance her hormones. Is this true?

I suggested condoms. She said I'd be less satisfied that way (probably true, that was the most convincing argument she made). A quick Google search turned up something called the reversible vasectomy. I suggested it. She just said a vasectomy is for someone who doesn't want kids. I said this one is reversible. She just repeated that a vasectomy is for someone who doesn't want kids.

I think maybe all forms of contraception go against her religion (Iglessa ni Cristo church). She said it's not for religious reasons and she never directly used God or the church as an argument against contraception. She did use God as an indirect argument. She said "We'll let God decide" (I must confess I used that argument too to serve as different purpose). But it seems very unwise letting our fate be decided by someone who doesn't exist.

She says God is at the centre of her life. How? She has never seen him. She has never heard him. He acts exactly like he doesn't exist. And the Bible reads more like the word of man than the word of God. It took me a while to convince her that God wouldn't be at the centre of our marriage. This argument came after I told her I don't believe in God. After I told her she still wanted me to act like a Christian. I've seen this doublethink with a lot of Christians.

They think atheist is a word meaning non practicing Christian. I told her I don't believe in God and she asked me if I prayed (not the first time I've had that conversation with someone). I think some Christians just can't comprehend someone not believing in God so when I say I don't, they don't understand.

To her credit she eventually stopped pressuring me to go to church with her when I said churches make me uncomfortable (they do, taking communion makes me feel like an imposter).

But I don't like that a priest can come up with a modern rule not mentioned in the Bible and say the Bible supports it. He can think of his own rules and then say God thought of them. The rules the priest thinks of are beyond dispute because, once attributed to God, they become part of his objectively perfect morality. But God didn't think of those rules. A celibate priest being the divine authority on sexual ethics is like having a driving instructor who's never driven a car.That's what I wanted too. I wanted to have bought a house first. She wants to see Paris. With a kid we won't have the time or money too.

She says her rich stepdad will help us (how rich?) He's already offered to pay for some of our travel expenses but I just feel wrong asking him for a lot of money instead of supporting myself.

I want to save but I'm bad at saving anyway. Before I met her I was saving for a $10,000 computer. I wanted to buy back all the games they stole from me. These may never happen anyway. I think if I can save, I should do it properly. I have to be just like everyone else, sitting atop a fortune but not enjoying any of it, just like everyone else.

Maybe no amount of years would be enough for me to save as much as I want so what difference would it make?Now I would agree with this. Just one problem. How long would I have to wait. I'm in community college doing a two year course (that I may not ever use) over four or five years (part time after work). Some people have said I should get a masters in computer science (should I?) but doing that part time would mean my final exam will happen when I'm about 42. That's a long to put off having a baby even by my standards.

I'm starting to wonder if I should go no further than community college. It's very cheap but university could give me a massive debt.No I don't know. Tell me. What are the physical effects? Would I lose my job? Would it damage my health?

This all is a problem. These are really important life philosophies and not being on the same page can severely harm a marriage. See if you can find a free counseling service that will help you two work these questions out together.

And use condoms. They may not be perfect, but they reduce the odds of pregnancy.

I had my two healthy and amazing kids at ages 38 and 41, but I do understand the game of odds that happens with pregnancy and children: the odds keep getting worse with age, period. On this, like the other issues, it seems you both have points but aren't on the same page. You need to get on the same page.

I want to use condoms but she says I'm forbidden too. She claims they reduce sensation but I think really she dislikes them because they're forbidden by her church.

Honestly, your differing views on children is not your biggest problem. But the fact that you are an atheist and she is a Christian is. I have never met a pair who were both sincere in their beliefs who was able to make it past this difference. It effects too much. And it is a very core belief that dictates all sorts of philosophies and actions, and I find that when core beliefs are polar opposites, it only sets you up for repeated conflict. And if she is truly a practicing Christian, I doubt she will be able to leave you alone about it indefinitely. If you believe you have found the way to everlasting peace and salvation, it is very incongruous to sit back and watch your loved ones deny it. And you will forever label a core belief of hers as make-believe at best, and ignorant at worst. How can that possibly work?

I don't think your differing views on children is what the two of you need to be focusing on when determining if marriage is a good choice for you. It's your differing views on God, because if you can't hammer that one out, the rest is meaningless.

At least that's my honest opinion, based on my 47 years of life experience. Of course you are free to discard it, but I will offer it anyway.

Well ... I belong to a church that says not to use them but, then again, I figure no one is perfect and God is forgiving . Oh, and I also learned years ago how that dictate came about, including the fact that it was never universally supported by the theologians debating the concept, but the overriding factor was a foot in the door concept and concern about what countries like China might force their citizens to do. My church is, after all, a global one and US issues are quite different from those in other countries.

Fact of the matter is that there are times when having children "now" seems like a bigger "sin" in the world of today than going against a religions position that one should bear children willing and propagate the world. In my religion, at least, one is allowed their personal conscious, provided it is well thought out and you have weighed carefully the church's position. And, if you still feel something isn't ideal, I figure you can evaluate how grave the issue is and whether or not God might let this one slip. I would say the later is how I considered the whole birth control issue when I was younger, and the former is how I have evaluated it more recently: I have health issues that would severely and negatively impact me and my family were I to have any more children (and, despite my age, I actually could).

I go back to the suggestion of pre-marital counseling. I was thinking a third party not associated with her church, but perhaps you can start by meeting privately (just you) with a leader in her church and getting a feel for how they might counsel you as a couple. If you decide they truly seem to be able to find middle ground, then you and your girlfriend could meet with that person together. What is preached from the pulpit is not always the same as what will be advised to one unique couple when all surrounding facts and circumstances get to be considered.

These differences leave a long way for you to travel to feel you have a say in this relationship, and no marriage can work if all the serious dictates are coming from one person, without a lot of weight being given to the needs, beliefs and desires of the other. You don't want to end up effectively just being the sperm donor and financial provider.

I do think relationships with such serious differences can work, but there MUST be meeting in the middle, and mutual respect. She needs to show she can bend on something she believes in, not because doing so is "giving in," but because she has true respect for your thoughts and can honestly see how balancing the scales is healthier for everyone and, thus, is also, its own way, part of God's plan for her (from a religious perspective).

Unfortunately, when the tough times hit, love isn't always enough. Working through these difficult differences now will create patterns that will help you through the future.

I had a chuckle at your first post, because I remember just after I was married, I was at a work convention chatting with a co-worker who had kids. I said something to the effect of "I'm afraid to have kids because my whole life will change."

My co-worker looked at me like I had six heads and after a pause, said "Yes, your whole life will change. That does NOT mean it will get WORSE!"

Parenting is all-consuming, wonderful, horrifying, tremendous, awful, boring, incredible, waaay too much stimulation, waay too little sleep, frustrating, fulfilling, heartbreaking, joyful, and more. When you are on the outside of it you tend to focus on either the positive or negative, because it's such a constant inexorable mix of things it's difficult to see it as a whole. Really, most of life is like that, but as a parent it is turned up to 11.

You will never be fully ready to be a parent until you are one, but it helps a LOT to be financially stable and to have a partner you can really count on. (Neither of those things is a dealbreaker - but you will need support from somewhere if you don't have a partner or job, and it is significantly difficult to find those things after having a kid.)

Where to start?

What InThisTogether said. Any decent minister would ask you questions like this to determine whether you are ready for marriage - that is also part of what they do.

No, the age where complications and infertility drastically increases is 35, not 30.

How is sex outside marriage ok, but condoms not? Sorry, I don't get this religious stuff either. Suffice it to say that any loss of sensation is minor compared to not having sex at all because you are too tired. Seriously. Use condoms.

You guys haven't thought this through properly. How old is your girlfriend again? Why are you so certain she knows what she is talking about?

Can't your GF spend maybe a year or something getting some courses that could qualify her for a job later, like computer skills, forklift driving, etc., or a short studies like surveying, operating medical equipment, or something that would separate her from the hordes of unemployed people without qualifications?

Does you gf believe that making a family with her and being pulled into religious life will eventually make you religious? If so, she may be in for a shock.

Don't rely on other people for money. What if that person disappears, ditches GFs mom or starts making demands that you as an aspie cannot meet?

You guys need to make a plan that allows for things going wrong. You can't expect to always be happy, healthy and functioning at maximum ability. Babies are very different. You don't know what yours will be like. What you can be certain about is that unless you sleep in another part of the house, you will be losing sleep, which manifests in lower energy levels, poor concentration, oversensitivity and stupid fights about nothing. It's temporary, though.

I'm not saying you shouldn't have a baby, but make a realistic plan. You want a long and stable marriage, not an ugly divorce. You need to think both long and short term. But to get to long term, short term has to go reasonably well.

I was dead-set against having children at your age, for good reasons. I eventually had 2 of them later, when I actually wanted them and I'm very happy I did.

I'll put this bluntly: if you have serious reasons to think you're not up for it (not just some vague, general fear) do NOT do it. You'll be miserable and there's a strong possibility you'll make them miserable too. Having a child because your girlfriend wants one or to "pass on your genes" are some of the worst possible reasons to do it. It's a serious responsibility, that will affect not only your life, but theirs too, and you'd be surprised how soon young kids can pick up on being unwanted or seen as a burden, often by parents who swear they "love them to bits".

That being said, having kids when I felt I'm ready, with a woman I deeply love and who knew how to always make our journey interesting, funny and full of joy made me happier then I could ever imagine or thought I'd have the right to be

Best line I've seen all day

It's not quite that bad. I really didn't want to have kids, but I knew it was important to my wife, and I was worried she might leave me if I said "no way", so I agreed to it. After 2 miscarriages we finally wound up with a daughter. She is now 12.

Yes, the first few years will totally change your life. But after a while it gets better and life goes back to more normal. My daughter has Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, but maturation and medication has made that much better after a few really tough years. She is now old enough to be fairly independent and I get to do many of the things I want to again.

Yes, it is expensive. So is being married. The money has always turned up, though. Do I enjoy doing things with my daughter? Yes. If we never had kids would I feel unfilled or like I was missing out on something? Probably not.
Would I want to have more than 1 kid? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Hi, I read your thread and thought I'd reply. My wife has issues with birth control (they can definitely cause health trouble for some people) and as such we've been using a computer called LadyComp for birth control. It is a small dedicated computer with a thermometer that uses the rhythm method. I think it was ~$500 (not really expensive if you think about it long term) but we've been using it for 5 years and no surprises. You can use it the other way too when you're ready to have kids.

In response to your earlier posts, my wife and kids are the best things to happen in my life. I couldn't imagine not having my kids, my family and dogs are everything to me. My kids give me a sense of purpose that nothing else can. This is a bonus and may sound selfish, but they are such a relief to me in social situations because they give me something to do/focus my attention on. They are a lot of work and things aren't always easy but the rewards are worth it. Especially when I can help my son avoid the same problems as I had.

I enjoy that same bonus. Every year there is a large party that we pretty much have to go to. It is filled with many people I don't know and there is some pressure to "socialize" in a way that makes me very uncomfortable. Lots of small talk with people you don't know or barely know. Superficial pleasantries. Elevator speeches. Painting a picture of a perfect life. My kids, especially my daughter, give me a reason to disengage without noticeably looking like I don't know how to socialize properly and don't like the superficial nonsense.

The only problem is she is getting old enough now that I don't know how much longer that will work

It sounds like most of you really enjoy raising children. Would I? I just don't know. I can't decide. It would be such a massive change to my life. I heard someone say the cost is about a thousand dollars per month. That's my entire disposable income. Maybe I would get a bigger tax return. I don't know.

My girlfriend says she will work but she's never had kids. I think she's too optimistic. I don't think it's realistic that we're both working with kids. She has no qualifications. She would be an unskilled labourer, if she gets a job at all. I fear the costs of childcare may be equal to her earnings, cancelling out the benefit.

Besides I think that it may be harmful for children to be separated from both parents for 8 hours per day. Also I think being with 30 other kids and a couple of overworked childcare workers may not be the idea environment for kids who may themselves be ASD (or any kids for that matter). I know the capitalists want mothers with young children to rejoin the work force but I find it ironic that capitalists want children to be raised in a communist collective.

The trouble is every girl I've ever dated says they want kids. I thought about having a vasectomy but it would be wrong of me to do that with any girl who wants to have kids. It would take away from her life. There's another reason I couldn't go through with it. I felt like I would be taking away from my own life as well.

There's a part of me that wants to experience fatherhood and a part of me that is very seriously scared of it.

Fatherhood or not. I can't decide. I'm typing this at 1:00AM because I can't sleep from worrying. I've decided that if I choose not have kids the right thing to do is to end this relationship so she can have kids with some other man but I can't decide whether or not I actually want kids.

Worrying isn't going to resolve the situation.

I think you two need time together. I don't think you should make this decision today. I think you have many other issues to handle and resolve, not just this one, and working through any of those will take time.

You are both young enough to invest some time in getting to know each other, explore options, and then make a decision. If she doesn't want to invest that time, then breaking up can be her decision. You state what you need (time), and then she takes it or leaves it. It is not for you to decide for you what she can and can't live with, or to make decisions for her. Relationships require both people bending, and you have to allow the other person an opportunity to do so. Give this time.

As for working and childcare costs, you are absolutely right on the math. But there are options that work quite well for young mothers, and if she is as good with kids as you say, then getting licensed as a childcare provider could be a solution. Other women find they can work from home (depends on the child more than the woman, however. My son made it quite clear that having me around but not giving him my attention was NOT the way to go). And some group care every week can actually be really good for a family; for some moms, a job and less than 20 hours a week of daycare is a way of funding a "break," or adult time; there doesn't have to be a net profit, the profit is in the emotional health of mom, combined with extra learning opportunities for the child. A really good childcare provider can be an amazing asset to a family, providing a different perspective on issues. It is all about finding the right balance for the unique people involved.