step son has autism, mother is doing nothing!!

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10 Oct 2015, 2:13 pm

I wonder if step-mommy started out as daddy's mistress. I can easily imagine such from a man who lives in a different state than his children, sees them every third weekend, and goes around accusing his ex of being a drug addict and alcoholic. He sounds like a real catch.

InThisTogether
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10 Oct 2015, 2:29 pm

HisMom wrote:

I am sorry, but to me "job stability", "income issues" blah blah blah are just excuses. You can find a job anywhere if you try hard enough. It may not be easy (hey, life isn't fair or easy, is it ?), but it is possible. Your priority should have been those kids with a druggie for an ex, but nope.. Daddy CHOOSES to see Kids once a month.

Unfortunately, I have seen first hand that this belief may not apply in all cases. Once a child support award has been issued, it can be hard to get it changed. I would imagine that there are parts of NJ in which the median income is significantly higher than in OH. In my profession (which I am not currently working in), I cannot "get a job anywhere." I can only get a job where the jobs are. I am currently working outside of my profession and have taken a significant cut to my salary because of it. Because the supporter having a change in earning capacity does not always lead to lesser support obligations, it is quite possible that if he were to move to OH, nearly all of his income would go to child support. And we still do not know that this mother did not choose to move to OH, leaving the dad in NJ.

Perhaps I didn't get the knee jerk reaction because I actually happen to KNOW a mother who is pretty much exactly as described by the OP. She has custody of the kids, she now has liver disease because of her alcoholism (which I never even recognized before the divorce, but was going on for years), she has never worked a day since she was awarded child support, even though she worked before it, she does nothing whatsoever to parent her kids (who were young when I first knew them and are now all teens). The kids are a mess. She is a mess. She basically destroyed the family business. And yet she still has custody of the kids. The dad has no money left to fight in court, and pretty much hands everything he makes over to her. It is absolutely sickening and it is a travesty. It all started because he did not want to drag his kids through a custody battle and he somehow felt if he capitulated to her, things would get better. They did not get better. At all. They got worse. And then they got even worse.

So while it is not always the case, and perhaps not even often the case, I have seen it *be* the case. I don't even think most people believed him...what was happening...until she was in the hospital for acute liver failure because of her alcoholism. I know I thought he was exaggerating at the very least. I had known her for years and she didn't "seem" "like that."

People have to make hard choices all the time. Some people have valid reasons why they did not make the "right" choice. Divorce is a hot button topic, and once someone has been personally affected by it, it is hard to remain neutral. I am looking at it like this....let's say everything the OP is saying is absolutely true...then what? Then what advice or support can we give to her? Because this little boy is part of our community, and he deserves to be protected and advocated for. Maybe BOTH parents are unable to advocate effectively. Maybe the OP is the ONLY one in this kid's life who is able to get him what he needs. What then? Do we sit here and "judge her away" so that she is left with no community of support?

We do not have all of the information. For the good of this boy, I believe a supportive stance is best, until we are able to gather information that indicates that is not warranted.

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HisMom
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10 Oct 2015, 3:07 pm

InThisTogether wrote:

I absolutely agree with you that it is not always easy to "get a job anywhere". This actually happened to me when I had a big relocation (internationally, I might add) and was unemployed for quite a while, so that's not a statement I make easily or lackadaisically at all.

InThisTogether wrote:

Perhaps I didn't get the knee jerk reaction because I actually happen to KNOW a mother who is pretty much exactly as described by the OP. She has custody of the kids, she now has liver disease because of her alcoholism (which I never even recognized before the divorce, but was going on for years), she has never worked a day since she was awarded child support, even though she worked before it, she does nothing whatsoever to parent her kids (who were young when I first knew them and are now all teens). The kids are a mess. She is a mess. She basically destroyed the family business. And yet she still has custody of the kids. The dad has no money left to fight in court, and pretty much hands everything he makes over to her. It is absolutely sickening and it is a travesty. It all started because he did not want to drag his kids through a custody battle and he somehow felt if he capitulated to her, things would get better. They did not get better. At all. They got worse. And then they got even worse.

My point exactly. Let's assume for a moment that this mother that you refer to, and the mother that the OP is ranting about, are two peas in a pod, and everything that the OP says is, indeed, true.

If that is the case, then we know that life does not change for the better because we choose to ignore the statuesque. So, if Dad truly believes that his ex has alcohol / substance abuse issues, then he needs to gear up and fight the big fight. If he does not have the money, then beg or borrow - from your friends, from your parents or even from a credit card company - to pay a lawyer who is familiar with the family court system in Ohio and will leave no stone unturned to gain full custody of the kids. The kids may resent the parents for dragging them slam dunk in the middle of a nasty dispute and being forced to choose one parent for the other, but they are kids. The father is the adult and he needs to get his priorities right. It's NOT acceptable for him to be timid and not fight for his children's welfare because he believes it would traumatize them to see Mum and Dad fighting. Heck, we all probably realize that it is potentially 1000 times more traumatizing for the children to come home from school and find Mum passed out - yet again - on the living room couch, with nothing to eat except bread, butter and jam and no clothes to wear to school tomorrow. So, if Dad believes that that is a better life for his kids than being briefly involved in a custody battle, then I am sorry, but he shows as much a shocking lack of judgment as Mum does, except in a very different way.

In an ideal world, the ex will miraculously change and become a perfect mother today, getting a job, contributing to the kids' college education funds, and actually taking her parenting responsibilities seriously. In the real world, however, not only is that unlikely to happen, but it also might get worse if - as Step Mum alleges - she lives off of large support checks and does not see a need to work. Also, support checks don't last forever. As my daughter would put it, when the sun sets on the youngest child's 18th birthday, that gravy train would come to a screeching halt. What, then ? Is Mum completely unaware of this little "detail" ? Per Step Mum, she is probably too stupid to realize this. Oh, well.

InThisTogether wrote:

We do not have all of the information. For the good of this boy, I believe a supportive stance is best, until we are able to gather information that indicates that is not warranted.

I am all for supporting "one of us".

If Step Mum speaks the truth, and nothing but the truth, then Dad has to wrest full custody from Mum for himself. Unless and until Dad is *the* custodial, hands-on parent on a daily basis, there is NOTHING he can do to ensure that his ex is parenting his kids the way he'd like her to. You cannot fork over your responsibilities to someone else, and then blame them for not doing a great job at it. Your responsibilities are your job. You want something done a certain way, then do it yourself.

Blaming the court system and accusing an ex of being a shoddy parent is not going to help those children in any way, shape or form. His next step should be to shop around for the meanest, most brutal lawyer that money can buy and take Mum to court for full and permanent physical and legal custody, and *nothing* but full and permanent physical and legal custody.

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10 Oct 2015, 3:46 pm

Again, the issue here is information. If the OP posts again maybe we will get more.

As everybody probably knows, I am pretty quick to respond to red flags. I do see them in the OPs post. That said, divorce can be such a colossal cluster-frack, that I am not sure what they mean. I don't judege people for judging or not judging, if that makes sense. As I say, I have my own questions, too.

Step parent questions are especially fraught because we get so many questions from people with obviously bad motives who post looking to blame the child or one or both of the bio parents and that is their main goal. They want to get rid of the kid, or tell the bio parent/s how to parent not b/c they care but b/c they want to be in charge. And more.

Sometimes the earnest step parent questions are obvious and you can tell the person is mostly inspired by an interest in the child. Sometimes it is ambiguous b/c the posts contain emotive (possibly hyperbolic) vitriol towards the ex and they make assumptions that are incorrect about autistic kids and it comes out wrong.

The red flags I see in this post mainly center around the fact that most of the information provided is centered around bio-mom instead of the child. Anger at the bio mom could be because their is good reason or it could be for other less noble reasons. We are not going to know. Accusations in divorce of drinking, just wanting the kids for child support (and worse) are made all the time. Those of us who are bio parents may cringe at that instinctively b/c most of us are judged by society as a whole for everything our kids do on the regular. So one can imagine false accusations when maybe they are true ones. Or maybe they are not true. Who knows. We can only guess.

In addition, the fact that the OP took charge could be a red flag or not. If both bio parents are truly a clusterfrack, then maybe it is something that was needed. That said, the supposition that the OP thinks she knows what the bio parents should have done 6-7 yrs ago, without having been there then, is going to strike many of us as being arrogant. Ditto, with her being sure she knows better than the bio parents now. With more information, maybe it would not look that way. We cannot tell if this is false assumption she makes based on assuming that all kids with an ASD need intervention. Maybe it would be clear that the boy does need professional help if we knew about his history.

So, I guess I am on the fence and can see points both ways.

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10 Oct 2015, 3:59 pm

Ndonahue1810 wrote:

Hello,
I'm new to this group/website and I'm looking for help and guidance regarding my step son and his mother who is not giving him proper support for his austisum needs.

He was diagnosed with aspergers at the age of 2.5 years old before I was in his life. After diagnoses my husband and his wife at the time did not purse any form of therapy or threatment. They were both negevie to his situation about what kind of care he really needed. because he is considered high functioning they thought he would grow out of his issues.

After my husband and I met, he introduced me to his children. I knew right away that his son was not like other kids. He Showed all signs of a kid with aspergers. After several talks he took the steps and found a therapist for him. My husband is suffering from a lot of guilt for not doing this sooner because his son is 9 now. But at least it was a step in the right direction.

We live in New Jersey because that's where our jobs are, his ex wife and kids live in Ohio. Due to the distance we only get to see his kids every 3 weeks on weekends and longer periods of time over the summer and holidays. We have speculated his ex wife to have an addiction to pain killers and/or Alcohol. We believe this because when the kids have called she occasionally is drunk in the background of FaceTime and has abused pain killers when my husband was married to her. She can't keep a job and is only responsible for taking care of the kids including taking their son to his doctors appointments and helping him at home and give him a structured life. She can't seem to do basic motherly duties which she constantly complains about and forget about a structured life, half the time the kids don't brush their teeth.

Recently we met with his sons therapist. His therapist informed us that the son has regressed for several reasons. She told his ex wife to start a schedule and a structure. Limit the iPad to 20 minutes per day, help guide him with his eating, etc. Absoutly none of these tasks are being implemented at home by his ex wife. The therapist had to refer her to another clinic that specializes in eating because she could not take direction from her. His wife is waiting for doctors to correct her son but is not willing to put any extra time in at home. Everything that we have been told to do by the therapist we have done even though we only get him every 3 weeks. His son only eats carbs and is gaining more and more weight. Like I mentioned in the beginning his son is highly functioning and when he is with us we see daily improvement, it's very frustrating to see him go back to Ohio and we have to start all over 3 weeks later.

My husband is worried about confronting his ex wife because he is worried it will set her off and she will go off the deep end and pull the kids in the middle of it.

As a woman this is very sad to me, I don't understand what kind of mother wouldn't want to do everything for their child. I've talked to my husband about getting full custody but we do not even know if this would hold up in court. How many judges will take 2 kids away from their mother? My husband offered to take the kids full time and she says no I can't live without the kids. I think she can't live without the child support.

I also don't want to see his children go through pain in a custody battle but if they continue in this situation i fear for their future as adults. Has anyone ever been in this situation before?
Any advice is greatly appreciated
Thank you,

The OP hasn't been back. If I were her, I'd ask that a moderator lock this honestly, I don't think she deserves to be trashed.

The biggest red flag to me in what the OP wrote isn't about the OP it's that the child's mother said she can't live without the kids. I don't know how she meant that, but as a mom I would throw myself in front of a train to protect my kids, I want them around me, but it's not their responsibility to be there so I want to live. It's my responsibility to be there so they can. Bio mom may be a great person, or not, the OP just asked for advice and I don't think she deserves being told off for caring. She may be right she may be wrong, kids need to be and feel cared about. OP appears to care about her stepson and her husband. Kids need to feel cared about, and not just by their biological parents.

If a parent posted their child had been diagnosed with ASD under normal circumstances, and they hope the child will grow out of it so weren't going to have any supports for the child, usually we jump on that to say if a diagnosis was made, maybe there is a problem.

What's going on here? The advice is very different than what I normally read.

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10 Oct 2015, 4:11 pm

Waterfalls wrote:

The feedback from me would have been VERY different had she not spent the major portion of her OP spewing vitriol at the child's mother, and had she only said that she is a stepmother who is concerned about her autistic stepson, and needs advise on how to help him. Then, I would probably have been very considerate and would have even appreciated her concern for her stepchild.

However, that's not what she said / wrote. And, you have only HER word for it that the Mom said that she couldn't live without her children. Along with only her words for it that Mom is also a druggie, an alcoholic, and a deadbeat who does not do an honest day's work in her life.

It doesn't look - to me - based on the content of her post that she was only looking for advise on her stepson's condition. If she was, then she'd have spent more time writing about that child and how she could help him, and next to nothing about his allegedly druggie, dead-beat Mom.

ASDMommyASDKid
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10 Oct 2015, 4:26 pm

Waterfalls wrote:

The biggest red flag to me in what the OP wrote isn't about the OP it's that the child's mother said she can't live without the kids. I don't know how she meant that, but as a mom I would throw myself in front of a train to protect my kids, I want them around me, but it's not their responsibility to be there so I want to live. It's my responsibility to be there so they can. Bio mom may be a great person, or not, the OP just asked for advice and I don't think she deserves being told off for caring. She may be right she may be wrong, kids need to be and feel cared about. OP appears to care about her stepson and her husband. Kids need to feel cared about, and not just by their biological parents.

If a parent posted their child had been diagnosed with ASD under normal circumstances, and they hope the child will grow out of it so weren't going to have any supports for the child, usually we jump on that to say if a diagnosis was made, maybe there is a problem.

What's going on here? The advice is very different than what I normally read.

The issue is that the bio mom is not the one who is posting. It is the step mom. We can't give advice to a person who is not posting. If the bio mom posted indicating she was a poor parent but she selfishly wanted to hang on to her kid, she would be criticized for that. I have no doubt about that. We don't know the bio mom's side, and we don't know what the needs of the child actually are.

Remember the OP said both bio parents originally thought he was high functioning enough to not need any supports. We don't know what the child's issues were at 2.5 and if the doctors recommended anything or told them not to worry. That is the whole thing. We have little idea about the boy and his issues. The odds are if they posted when he was 2.5 we might have said that with a diagnosis that young maybe it was not so mild. Then we would ask questions along those lines, but they didn't post then, either.

The only issues we are even aware of are that the boy likes to eat and that he likes the computer. None of that indicates a need for supports. Think about how long that post was and how little actual information we got other than gossip about the bio mom.

If I were a step mom typing for advice in an autism forum I wouldn't have spent so much time on the bio mom (Who we are going to have zero insight on) and instead I would tell us more about her step son and what he needs. That does not strike you as a red flag?

If we had a clear idea of what supports the child needs and is not getting, then we would have a better idea of how the dad and the step wife could help him. The bio mom did not ask for help.

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10 Oct 2015, 4:29 pm

HisMom wrote:

Waterfalls wrote:

^^^This

Probably better worded and clearer than what I typed.

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10 Oct 2015, 4:31 pm

momsparky wrote:

Wanted to add: if you look at the OP's profile, she says she has been diagnosed with AS. That would tend to corroborate my view that she's concerned about the child and not trying to disrupt her husband's relationship with his ex.

I agree with you.

Perhaps those who take her negatively are correct. I am relating less to the stepparent issue and more to the fact that here is someone identifying as being on the spectrum expressing herself in a way that people are angry at. I've certainly been there many times. Expressing things in a way too intense in unexpected ways is incredibly common for people, perhaps especially women on the spectrum, followed by "but you should have known". I just think we could be more accepting of individuals who express themselves "the wrong way". Doesn't mean they are bad or have negative intent. It's possible of course, but how one communicates is complicated and not easy for me or many on the spectrum, especially when feeling upset. People may be right to be suspicious, I just don't want to be, because I'm not sure OP is doing anything wrong.

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10 Oct 2015, 4:57 pm

How do we know the OP is being judgmental? She could have heard about it or seen it and we are not there. She maybe hears from the kids. Plus she wrote that the mom has a history of drug abuse. I always take people for their word so that is why I read the post literal so it was shocking to see how other ASD people here didn't take it literal.

My brother is going through a similar situation and he also can't afford a lawyer so my parents are helping him, they hired a lawyer for him and they pay the lawyer and he is an old friend of my dad's. His ex is a narcissist and she uses the kids as tools to hurt my brother and she is making it impossible for him to keep the kids separated from his issues with his ex. I keep hearing how parents should separate their issues from their kids but unfortunately that isn't always possible if one of them is so dysfunctional and is involving their problems with them. She is lying to their oldest to try and turn him against his father. How do I know all this? My parents told me and I have overheard their talks and my husband has heard part of it too and my mom has told me about it and I know they wouldn't lie to me. They are not those kind of people to destroy someone. Plus my mom has seen the real her and so has my husband. Then there is my brother so I have no reason to think he would be lying and tricking my parents to make them turn against her so he can get full custody and he has tried to make it work with her by doing joint and giving her the house they bought when they separated. But he is learning the hard way that these sorry of people like his ex can't be trusted and there is no winning. But I am sure there will be someone out there who might think I am being judgmental because they don't really know me or the situation so they are just making an assumption:?

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10 Oct 2015, 5:50 pm

Waterfalls wrote:

momsparky wrote:

I have re-read the original post numerous times, and I see no evidence to support the anger and vitriol the OP is facing. My conclusion is that people are responding based on very personal experiences that have shaped their perception, because the responses, IMHO, are out of proportion to what she typed and a lot of "between the lines" reading is going on. And I can't understand why so many people are attacking someone who is here expressing concern for the way a child on the spectrum is being treated. It seems like many are automatically siding with the mother, and I cannot figure out why. I did not, btw, read the OP as nothing but a tirade against the mother. I read it as an explanation regarding why she is concerned.

At any rate, we appear to have lost the OP. I feel bad about that, because if she is on the spectrum like her profile says, she needed our support, not an inquisition. There is also the possibility that dad, too is on the spectrum.

It always makes me cringe when someone new is treated like this. I don't think it is right to jump to conclusions about what a person's character is like based on one post (unless they are obviously a troll). I still think she should have been given more of a benefit of the doubt, especially with her profile.

Feeling a little disappointed in our community right now

OP, if you are still reading, you can PM me and I will try to give you support.

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10 Oct 2015, 6:29 pm

InThisTogether wrote:

Waterfalls wrote:

momsparky wrote:

OP, if you are still reading, you can PM me and I will try to give you support.

I am not seeing that there are "so many" people attacking her. I think there were a couple of strong responses that could be categorized that way. I think that I and a couple of others are saying that we are unclear about the meaning of some of the statements/ concerns without more information. This is asking for more information, not reading between the lines. Reading between the lines is what I was trying not to do, which is why I asked for more info.

What concerned me the most was the fact that the OP said that she and the father believed the mother has a substance abuse problem. I am hoping, honestly, that it *was* somewhat exaggerated, (and that does not mean I'm judging the statement either). But if it wasn't, I really hope steps are taken to protect the kids. I happen to know what it is like to grow up with substance abuse in the family. It is not o.k. to let slide for whatever reason or intention. This is also not judging the OP, or the father, but expressing concern.

I have also been the woman with the ex husband in the past with children involved, in fact with a child on the spectrum. It was not all peaches and cream, and I do not automatically side with either the mother or the OP.

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10 Oct 2015, 8:23 pm

Here is why the OP got so much "vitriol" from me (italics for the sentences that made me see deep red):

Ndonahue1810 wrote:

Hello,
I'm new to this group/website and I'm looking for help and guidance regarding my step son and his mother who is not giving him proper support for his austisum needs.

He was diagnosed with aspergers at the age of 2.5 years old before I was in his life. After diagnoses my husband and his wife at the time did not purse any form of therapy or threatment. They were both negevie to his situation about what kind of care he really needed. because he is considered high functioning they thought he would grow out of his issues.

After my husband and I met, he introduced me to his children. I knew right away that his son was not like other kids. He Showed all signs of a kid with aspergers. After several talks he took the steps and found a therapist for him. My husband is suffering from a lot of guilt for not doing this sooner because his son is 9 now. But at least it was a step in the right direction.

We live in New Jersey because that's where our jobs are, his ex wife and kids live in Ohio. Due to the distance we only get to see his kids every 3 weeks on weekends and longer periods of time over the summer and holidays. We have speculated his ex wife to have an addiction to pain killers and/or Alcohol. We believe this because when the kids have called she occasionally is drunk in the background of FaceTime and has abused pain killers when my husband was married to her. She can't keep a job and is only responsible for taking care of the kids including taking their son to his doctors appointments and helping him at home and give him a structured life. She can't seem to do basic motherly duties which she constantly complains about and forget about a structured life, half the time the kids don't brush their teeth.

Recently we met with his sons therapist. His therapist informed us that the son has regressed for several reasons. She told his ex wife to start a schedule and a structure. Limit the iPad to 20 minutes per day, help guide him with his eating, etc. Absoutly none of these tasks are being implemented at home by his ex wife. The therapist had to refer her to another clinic that specializes in eating because she could not take direction from her. His wife is waiting for doctors to correct her son but is not willing to put any extra time in at home. Everything that we have been told to do by the therapist we have done even though we only get him every 3 weeks. His son only eats carbs and is gaining more and more weight. Like I mentioned in the beginning his son is highly functioning and when he is with us we see daily improvement, it's very frustrating to see him go back to Ohio and we have to start all over 3 weeks later.

My husband is worried about confronting his ex wife because he is worried it will set her off and she will go off the deep end and pull the kids in the middle of it.

As a woman this is very sad to me, I don't understand what kind of mother wouldn't want to do everything for their child. I've talked to my husband about getting full custody but we do not even know if this would hold up in court. How many judges will take 2 kids away from their mother? My husband offered to take the kids full time and she says no I can't live without the kids. I think she can't live without the child support.

I also don't want to see his children go through pain in a custody battle but if they continue in this situation i fear for their future as adults. Has anyone ever been in this situation before?
Any advice is greatly appreciated
Thank you,

In short:

"Hey all, so I am a stepmom whose husband and his ex didn't do diddly squat for their son with HFA until I entered the picture. Let me tell you that I think that the ex is a real POW. We speculate that she has an alcohol problem because she OCCASIONALLY appears drunk on Facetime in the background. I have tried to tell my husband that he needs to take those kids away from her, but we don't know how our attempts to get full custody would hold up in court because no judge would want to take two kids away from their mother. You all know that judges care more about keeping kids with a druggie dead beat Mom than a hardworking father and his hardworking new wife. The ex claims to love her kids and says she won't give my husband full custody. I call BS on that claim and speculate that what she really loves is the large support check that my husband takes out from OUR bank account to send to her, his ex.

I wish that my husband would buck up and gain full custody of the kids, but my husband is happy with seeing them once every 3 weeks. I think he's weak and timid, not to mention that the ex doesn't take orders from me or input from me on how to parent HER child who lives full time with her and who only sees us once every 3 weeks, so is there anything that I can do at all to force his Mom to follow our orders and to long-distance parent a kid that we really don't want LIVING with us full time or part time, and are happy to see once in a while ?

Thanks much,

Sincerely,

Alleged Aspie who wants to seek advise but got sidetracked and went off on a rant against the ex instead. Clue me in that this is NOT a "second wives' club" but a forum for parents with children on the spectrum."

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10 Oct 2015, 10:25 pm

Quote:

Feeling a little disappointed in our community right now

Cheers. That's not super condescending or anything.

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11 Oct 2015, 2:58 am

considering that OP has left the thread maybe it's time to lock the topic.

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