What's the scoop on why eye contact is hard? Just curious.

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All I can tell you is that it can make someone under the spectrum uncomfortable. My eye contact is not great but its better than it used to be. But I still have a hard time with it overall. If I am talking to someone who I know very well then I have an easier time with it. If I am talking to someone who I don't know, then I have a hard time with eye contact. Like for instance, after paying for my groceries and the cashier says to me "have a good day".. I will just barely look at him or her and say "thanks you too" and go about my business.

The whole "empathy" thing is bogus. Its not that we don't have empathy, its that its not being made sense of subliminally and thus it rises straight to the top of the conscious mind, rather than floating around in the suubconscious.

Which makees it a paradox. We are simultaneously more empathic consciously and less empathic subliminally.

Peoples eyes are plug in sockets. Aspies don't look people in the eyes for the same reason NTs don't stick their fingers into electric sockets. Too much energy. too intense.
And not sorted for the conscious mind like most other sense information.

having sense information doesn't always equal being able to make sense of that information.

Getting a scrambled computer screech of an empathic blurb can be painful.

Unless i'm really grounded, centered, focused, safe, in a very low noise environment, and trust the person,
asking me to look them in the eyes is asking me to sort as best i can a huge amount of information which
is nearly blinding to the consciousness like looking into a big huge spot light.
Aspiess don't look into peoples eyes for the same reason NTs don't stare into spotlights.

For me, people always comment on how good my eye contact, what they don't know is that I'm only staring into one eye.

The reason is because I just can't focus on both. I don't know why. But if I'm talking to a person and the conversation gets emotional, I stare at shoes. Emotions can scramble my head If i look directly at them. A lot of friends ask me for advice, and I can't do that if I can't even think straight!

I have good eye contact most of the time. Sometimes too good. It's uncomfortable, yes. It's like seeing past the "smile" and the words being spoken to something beyond that I can't describe but doesn't match the facade. Then I don't know whether to deal with the facade or the reality (which is denied if I do bring it up). Cognitive dissonance big time.

Kayli doesn't do eye contact most of the time. I'm not going to force that on her, but I am working with her on making some response when she's spoken to...even if only to indicate she heard me. I don't mind if she wants to take a bit to comply or answer the question. At least now I realize that most of the time she's not deliberately ignoring me, she's just focused on something. I know how that is.

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/20 ... 151153.htm

I'm still processing, but that article makes a lot of sense.

I don't specifically remember anyone bothering me about eye-contact, but someone obviously did, because I half-consciously remind myself to do it in almost every conversation. I don't remember anyone ever complaining, so I must have learned the lesson well. Now that I think of it, I'm not really looking at the person. I'm secretly looking away inside my mind, and just pretending to look at you. Or I look somewhere other than the eyes.

I do stink at remembering faces. I need to talk to someone several times or make a major, conscious effort to remember.

??? Even your own mother? How about Especially your own mother?

Hello, jakazz! And I thought for a minute that we were onto something. Has it ever occurred to anyone to just leave the poor kid alone?

I don't normally post before reading the whole thread, but this article got to me. I'm going back to read the rest of the thread now.

For me, I think a big part of it is that, when you look at each other, they believe that it means you understand each other. If you don't understand me at all, I don't want to give you any excuse to think that way. With my husband, I actually became LESS comfortable meeting his eyes as I came to realize what a jerk he is, and that we hardly ever agree on anything.

He is probably much less lonely than you think. When I was a kid, I had my little group of odd-balls, and that was enough. Personally, I never consciously felt lonely until I was in my first marriage, and it didn't live up to expectations. Just wondering -- do you have some geeky activity that you can share? A passion for a certain video game or something?

Say what???? What purpose did you have in mind??? THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE MAIN PURPOSE! You took him away BECAUSE he found someone he could connect to? You are the ulitmate, world-class sadistic b**turd. All you care about is making him a clone of you?

You can say that again.

I think there's something to that, too. A vague feeling of being able to read minds, but everyone denies it, so I never trust my instincts, because how could everyone be lying all the time? Can the world really be that corrupt? (Yes.)

Such an accurate description...

(SSRIs though make it more comfortable)

This is one of my reasons.
The other two are that eye contact can be uncomfortable, and that I focus better on what someone is saying when I'm not looking them in the eye, as more of my attention can be given to their words.

For me... I mainly watched people's mouths when they were talking. It's still easier for me to focus on someone's mouth.

I can still remember the first time someone forced me to 'look' in their eyes... it was my special ed teacher and I was about 4 or 5 yrs old. I threw up all over her. It was one of my first days at school and she was trying to make sure that I was paying attention to her. It was hard being in a new envoronment and dealing with a new person. I just wanted to be left alone. It was a very scary/threatening situation for me.

I consciously look people in the eye now and it was one of the first things I worked on with my son. I started working on it from before he was officially diagnosed. He doesn't have any problems with it now. (He's 4 yrs old.)

My son's doctors, therapist, teachers, were all hell bent on the lack of eye contact my son had, but it's funny because he knows everyone's eye color. For instance, I can't ask "what color are 'Johnny's' eyes" and he will tell me, or Dr. so and so and he will get it right. I really think it's just a bunch a BS. I don’t like to look people in the eyes most of the time and I’m NT. I do agree with a previous post stating that autistic children can see mood through the eyes. I think that's amazing.

I haven's read all the responses. but I can tell you that with me, Eye contact is very painful. I can not even hold deep eye contact with my husband of almost 12 years. I can with my children though- and most small children. I feel exposed, almost violated, like someone is searching for all my flaws when they look me in the eye. I look at foreheads, lips, chins, the mole on someone's cheek- anything to avoid eye contact. My youngest sister pointed out to me how I avoid eye contact even with her and I've known her for 23 years and we've always been very close.

I think I am able to hold eye contact with small children because of their innocence. I do not feel like they are probing into my inner-life when they look me in the eye.

My first attempts to make eye contact caused a roaring in my head - and I couldn't see the person's face. But I kept at it - and it got better.

The first time I managed to look a bully (the bane of my grade school existence) in the eye - he backed down! It was like developing a super power for me.

Now - some 40 years later - I don't even think about it (much.) But I think it's something I had to want to do & be willing to keep trying, even though it was very uncomfortable at first.

I can't do eyecontact as it produces so much irrational flight symptoms (Panic) After all the reading I've done and personal experience I believe alot of what was said here is most likely the cause.

We simply may not be able to process everything at the speed and ability of NTs which causes discomfort for the Aspie and the NT. Also I think the wiring isn't quite right in that emotions are touched off in a particuliar situation NTs would not have feel. For instance if someone trips or falls my mental response is to ask them if they need help and are they ok. The emotion or response that comes across physically may be a laugh or smile. So the intent and the emotion sometimes become crossed and do not give NTs the proper information they need to understand what I'm thinking and trying to communicate.

My first research of eye phenomena and wow....
A fascinating thread.

I've always had difficulty with eye contact... "the focus on the mouth" thing works... but there are some mouths you just don't want to look into.

I usually defocus... stare through their skull at the back of their head.
Probably makes me look walleyed though

What intrigues me is the concept of energy transfer through the eyes.
I also have a short attention span... but the main reason I don't like it is I feel like I'm being yelled at.
Eyes shout at me... and I don't want to hear.
Sometimes it feels like I'm being sucked dry through them.

The only time I'm comfortable gazing into someones eyes is when flirting.
It's like I've being given permission to drink deeply.

You can flirt? I am sooo jealous! -- That is seriously something I have always wanted to learn to do, but it just seems beyond me - I am completely lacking in the "flirting gene."

Sorry - way off topic I'll be quiet now.