Voilent attack at daycare...

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I tried to post this earlier but the site got overwhelmed! Guess that happens to the best of us.

Mama to Grace, I just wanted to say that you can repair this. Even our kiddos that seem to have such difficulties are still very resillient. You can both learn from this and move on. Good luck!

I grounded dd. Now this is not an extreme punishment I realize, but she has never had 3 days of staying at home in her room. Perhaps to an Aspie this is not so much punishment but it's all I could think of. Anyone have good punishments for aspie kiddos? She has resigned herself to the punishment. She was supposed to get an icecream today but no, grounding means not going anywhere and no getting ice cream. I hope it is severe enough. She is still reeling from the episode, as am I. Hopefully time will heal...thanks everyone.

Tracker, I sent a pm.

He and his mother should really be working with a behavioral therapist familiar with children with AS to address these issues.

I'd like to take the opportunity to say thought that violent outbursts are not characteristic of AS alone. There are many factors involved.

I was never violent.

My punishments consist of taking away things he likes to do, mostly video games. Sometimes it's his favorite game, sometimes it's all video games, it depends of the offense. This also comes with a lot of reminders, such as "if you want to pay Wii tonight you need to do this" This gives him control to choose, and helps him be motivated to control his behavior before it gets out of hand.

Another thing that works REALLY well, particularly with aggression is apology letters. The bigger the offense the longer I make them. I write one and make him copy it. He can't get up until he's finished, even if it takes more than one day (a long time sitting at a table is a great motivator). Then I make him hand it to them directly. It is directly related to what he did, and teaches him that he needs to apologize, even if he can't control himself. I love them. This goes for verbal disrespect also, and specifically addresses what he did. "I am sorry for disrespecting you today by doing......."

If she can't write, make her draw a picture, or something that she is able to do, but make her do it. My son used to get really mad and draw angry faces on the letter with pointy teeth. It was really cute actually, but it worked like a charm.

You know what? Discipline does not have to be "punishment." In this case, I'm quite comfortable that grounding, which does mean missing a few favored outside things, is appropriate (along with the apology etc you've previously noted). If someone is having trouble behaving appropriately in public it makes sense to (a) let them re-charge until they are able to regain the self-control, (b) send the message that if you can't act well in public, don't be in public, and (c) you will have to miss some good things in the process.

I almost never use the term "time out" with my AS son anymore. In fact, I can't think of when I last used it. I am much more likely to see accelerating behavior and tell him, "why don't you go spend some time alone in your room until you've got yourself under control?" There is a life lesson it there for him, and he has responded really well to it. My AS son does not WANT to misbehave.

Find a good way for your daughter to "make it right" with the other child, and I think you've got a good combination, especially given how much of the day leading up to the behavior was out of your daughter's control.

I am just getting more and more concerned about some pretty severe behavior that seems to be escalating. Since that incident, she has begged and pleaded me to keep her home from school. In the mornings she refuses to get out of bed and when she finally does she is crawling and whining and cries all the way to school. Her teacher reported that she did not participate in any activities yesterday. Also, she is more tactile sensitive. She usually is very cuddly with me but is recoiling from touch. Her OCD tendencies have escalated in the past month. She is pulling out her eyelashes and eating them. When I urge her to stop she hides and does it. Also, I tried to take her to the movies (which I never take her to, for obvious reasons) and she spent the whole time counting the people in the theater. Every time someone would leave she would re-count them all. When I asked her to stop and pay attention to the film (Oceans) she asked me "do I just do it in my head?" Many times she is "typical" acting, especially when alone with me at home. But add in any contact with others or other places and there is a higher probability of non typical behaviors. This would not bother me so much-as I am not trying to make her act typical-but it is so disruptive to her. The separation anxiety is a big problem. It's like I am her security blanket and without me she feels bad or lost? I want to help her but I do not trust medications as they have not been helpful. I am just very frustrated. I don't want to mke things difficult for her but I can't shield her from everything.

Consider this: protecting her today does not mean you will have to protect her tomorrow. Sometimes our kids just need extra time in the equivalent of mommy's womb to gather the strength to make it outside. No one would ever suggest pushing a baby out of the mommy's tummy before it was time, so why so we think we have to do that to our kids? Your daughter is growing up on her own unique time table, but she is still growing up. The trick is to adjust the time table and optimize your nudges towards independence so that they fall when she is ready.

FYI, my son is living a very happy 12 year old life with almost never stepping foot into a movie theater. He only goes when he wants to see a movie badly enough not to wait for the DVD (I think Harry Potter was the last one, and everyone else in the family wanted to go, and he choose to come along more than asked to actually go). We've never pushed it, and as a toddler he seemed to like movie theaters, but it is a difficult sensory experience. Ok, *I* miss it, but so be it. Life does not require one to see movies in theaters.

She's on edge and the behaviors are increasing because she is trying to deal with more than she can handle right now. She needs time to come off the overload of the bad day and time to deal with her own emotions about her behavior that day (I suspect she's being pretty hard on herself somewhere inside, and doing an internal battle to justify her own actions - THAT you need to make sure falls on the right side). You definitely have a fine line to walk in trying to return her to equanimity without rewarding misbehavior, but the goal should be to make sure that in process she acquires tools, not irrational rules and a misunderstanding of what is happening and why (very easy for AS kids to do).

Thank you. That helps me quite a bit. I need to help her de-stress as much as possible.

Do you think if I focus on de-stressing at home everyday after school the school anxiety will diminish? Or is there something I can have the school do to decrease her stress that builds up just by being at school?

Mama to Grace, my heart breaks for you and your daughter as I read your posts. You obviously want to do the best for your dd. What type of medical (and I don't mean medicinal)/psychological/therapeutic help are you getting? Moms (and Dads) often know best but professionals can give us some tools to work with. As you and DW have alluded in earlier posts, the learning curve for us as parents in very steep and long.

De-stressing at home would probably help, it may take you a while to figure out exactly what things help her calm down and recharge. If the school is willing, maybe they could try to chart some ABCs, (Antecedent, Behavior, Consequence) about incidents at school where she gets upset. This way you might be able to pinpoint problems more specifically. For example, does music class set her on edge or art or PE? Are there particular kids she has trouble with? Are there times in the day when the classroom is more chaotic? Can her feet firmly touch the floor in her desk/chair at school? If you can find out anything that is particularly troubling her, maybe they would be willing to devise a way around it.

I think you have a lot of detective work to do. The signals she is sending may be very hard to understand but I think she is trying to send them.

I think helping her to destress at home will help; school may be a little less stressful if she knows she can come home to a safe environment every day. Eventually she may need other coping mechanisms as well, but those are probably better developed during a more stable and less stressful time for her.