just when i think....

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hot water heater -there will be either a compartment you open or it'll be visible. My old one was at the bottom the new one near the top in a compartment.. You dont have to turn it off you just turn the temperature setting down all you do is slide to the next setting if it's still too hot slide it down further. If it's hot enough to burn chances are it's set too high anyway .. not only will it help with no burns for any of the kids but you'll also save a lot of money on electricity 140 is the recommended temp if you have a dishwasher otherwise you can go even lower than that ... it will still give you hot water it just wont be hot enough to burn


time out -I use a rug for william because he has broken all the chairs lol
-if it is truely just attention seeking behavior to get out of the time out ignore it when he realizes your not buying he will stop. What i do with william is tell him if he acts up or is screaming the time doesn't start untill he's quiet and if he does it in the middle i reset the timer. or if he continues i might say your only wasting your playtime other than that warning i dont talk to him at all... lol anway ... just make sure you give him hugs when it's done and whatever irritation your still feeling let go of it .. once the punishment is over he starts fresh.


**on that note i wanted to tell you that william pschologist when he was young like this had said to me that whatever reward system you choose to use make sure it doesn't involve time with you because it is bad for his self esteem.... thinking here of the nitly reward he really needs that time with you so he can bond with you and with the other kids:) stickers usually make a great reward?? also the dinner time like i said he really should be coming to dinner at 5 years old with the family even if he doesn't eat anything ..... the old adage 'the family who eats together stays together' it's a time when you can ask him how his day was or how the other kids days were , where they can learn to say prayers or where you all can share happy memories

child directed play was suggested and helped not only his bond with me but also with my daughter it also is supose to improve negative behaviors
http://seattlelearningcenter.wordpress.com/2010/05/04/child-directed-play/

---- the loud loud tantrum.. each child is different every single one wouldn't it be nice if they were all quiet lol i'm reminded that recently a friend of mine slept over and in the morning i woke up to him whispering do you hear that? i said yes it's william he said OMG you weren't kidding you realy do wake up to the birdcage...

it also sounds like he's had a rough life so far which is sad for such a lil guy so when he's driving you insane like william did me try very very hard to remember that he really needs your compassion and lots of love it's only with those two things he will start to improve

Something I've been meaning to add: when you are having a good day, and are able to chat wtih your ss, that is a good time to see if you can eek any information out about how he viewed what was going on in the bad days. Sometimes to make it less personal you might ask about a fictional character going through what he did. Take everything the child says seriously; try not to lead or put words in his mouth, but to really learn how he saw it. He has no incentive to lie once the consequences are over and done with, and the information can help guide future decisions. That is we learned how difficult it is for our son to expand a rule that he learned in situation A, to situation B, and how sensitive he really is to certain things that he pretends not to care about. We also learned how afraid he was of his own meltdowns, how much he did NOT want that behavior to happen, but couldn't help it. Understanding can be difficult, because he may not known the right word for what he is trying to say, so it is also a time to be careful about taking him too literally.

I just wanted to respond to the holding thing. I used to have to sit on my oldest because his meltdowns were "scary" he had this wild look in his eyes like he was no longer there. I didnt hurt him and he was older when I did this but this helped him to regulate and he needed me for that. If I tried to hold my 5 year old Autistic daughter it would just make her worse. I talk to her gently and I offer things to her that help her to self regulate like her stress toys (squishy balls officeplayground.com is a great place to buy this stuff) or her blanket. My 8 year old Aspie son gets very angry with his sister and sometimes she hurts him but I have to deal with them on different levels. Once we establish calm I talk about my son about how he felt and how he can go in his room away from his sister when she is on his nerves or he can come to me and I can keep her away from him. I redirect my Autie a lot because she still does not understand that breaking her brothers toys hurts him but I tell her that it does and I tell her that she made him sad and I ask her to apologize.
A lot of the "naughty" things my daughter does she does out of boredom. We have no therapy yet since we moved to France (STILL) its finally starting next week. I have a autoimmune disease that leaves me in extreme pain at times so its difficult to keep her engaged.
To misskrissy, I dont think its wrong to teach your kids to pick up after themselves or to teach them manners. I dont allow my kids to talk to me like crap and even my Autie can pick up her toys....actually she enjoys it because she has color coded bins and her need for order and patterns makes this fun for her.
The things I would have done differently with my older son is I would have made him toys that fed his obsessions. He did not ever play with toys but he loved knobs and buttons so I could have made him a board with light switches and knobs, ect. and a board with locks and keys. I could have given him nails, boards and a hammer to feed his obsession with tools. I could have made him a sand and water table. He craved sensory imput....a trampoline like I have for my kids now. These things would not have fixed him but they would have stopped or curbed the destruction. I always say an idle J.T. (my son) is a scary thing!....Also I would have known how to talk to him instead of at him. I would have asked him how he felt when he cut the cord off the VCR and what did he think would happen? He may have not known but I should have made him feel safe enough to try instead of screaming at him about how much it cost. He didnt know what he was doing, his impulsivity and his obsessions will always be a problem for him. He was like a little scientist, he wanted to find out what happened when he did this or that, this was why he needed healthy ways to express and explore. I wasnt teaching him in the right way, I wasnt talking to him and explaining to him in the right way and i was not responding to him in the right way. With my 8 year old I relate things that he does to things that have been done to him, that way he understands how his actions effect others. Like, if he hit his sister or takes her toys I ask him to remember how he felt when a neighbor hit him or took his toy, then he makes the connection. Also when I talk to my kids I talk to them alone. In their room or my room, when they are calm. Yeah this may be a pain and difficult but its better than being frustrated and angry and not enjoying your child at all.
When I say get help....get a psychologist, a behavior therapist? Someone to help you to understand this kid if you cant.
Sorry if Im not helpful enough but as parents of these kids we need to do our detective work and find out what is going on and what can help them to understand what you want of them. My kids are worth the extra effort I put into them....Im in so much pain I can hardly get up in the morning some days but these are my kids and they need me to prepare them for the world and the world can be an ugly place and no place for someone who has no control over themselves and no understanding of why they do some of the things they do. We need to prepare them for life not bash them in the head with it! (that was metaphoric by the way)

sorry, i missed answering your question and a few others because i have my computer away from the kids and don't go online when i'm watching them. posts have been piling up faster than i can answer them. yes, he is the same boy that has ODD and yes, he is officially diagnosed with that, ADHD and pdd-nos. i'm not sure that he has the adhd although i know his symptoms qualify him to be diagnosed with that but i'm pretty sure the symptoms are from the other things. he also just went to get some genetics testing done, they have been planning on diagnosing him with FAS but when they finished his measurements they also decided to test for Fragile X and other chromosone disorders because the measurements were 'off', whatever that means. he doesn't have any features that stand out to me as unusual though. it will be months before we hear back from them though.

DW_A_mom asked me about my house lay-out as well. right now SS has the third floor, which is all one big room that is divided by the top of the stairs and a railing. the second floor has 2 bedrooms, one being the master which is the boys room where the other 2 boys sleep and play. DH also sleeps there most of the time because he hates sleeping on the couch. the other bedroom is really small which is my 12yo daughters room. the bathroom is also on that floor at the bottom of the stairs to the third floor. the mainfloor has the living room, the kitchen and the laundry room. the living room/dining room is pretty big and it's where we spend most of our time, we eat there and i also sleep there. it is the size of the whole second floor as it was the original house but now the walls are all torn out to make it one room. the kitchen comes off the living room. it's a descent size but it is also used as the computer area and storage because there are no closets or cabinets or storage areas in the house, and off that is an extremely small laundry room. there is also a basement but it's unusable because it floods on a regular basement. i can't really do any major changes to anything in the house because it's a rental. i do know that based on the lack of space to put anything away i will never move into a home this old again. i keep checking for something bigger with a yard and more bedrooms/bathrooms in the classified ads but so far no luck unless i can come up within my price range.
someone else asked me if stealing is the only way he can get things he wants. i'm pretty sure they just said it to be insulting but i'll answer it anyways. NO. when we go to the mall i normally buy one thing for each kid even if they aren't all there, which they get to chose out of options i provide. i am open to suggestions as long as it's not something that would be way too irritating or expensive. big toys are reserved for birthdays and special occasions. if i had known he suddenly found his mitts unacceptable i would have went through the mitt box at home and helped him find a different pair and if there was a reason none were working for him i would have bought him new ones. i have since gone through the mitt box with him and he picked out a pair of gloves that seem to be working for him. i would not have chosen them for him because i don't think they are warm enough but he says they are and i put a pair of mitts in his backpack incase he gets too cold. when he needs things i get them for him. i pick out what i know he likes, his shirts need to have buttons, his pant need to be stretch, ect. i do sometimes say no when he wants something like anyone else would but if it's reasonable then it's okay. usually he only asks for toys, mostly hotwheels cars. he has probably 1000. the one and only thing i say no to everytime is girl clothes. he really wants glittery shirts and things that have lace on them. he is allowed girl toys and has many little purses and baby dolls all of which he picked out for himself. he has one pink glittery hand me down shirt he is allowed to wear to bed or on the weekend if he asks for it. he also gets glowsticks everynight regardless of his behaviour and usually ends up with a pile of them because everyone else gets bored with theirs in a few minutes and gives them to him.
on being strict... i didn't think i was all that strict. i have 7 rules and i expect them to be followed by everybody. things like no hurting people, no spitting, no stealing, listen when mommy and daddy are talking to you, no swearing, no being distructive and no talking rudely to the adults. if i remember correctly when i was a kid there were at least 25 rules posted on my bedroom door along with a chore chart, a list of everything i had to do each day and a paper for my parents to keep track of chores i've done to see if i earned any allowance that week which was $2. i don't even make them make their beds properly(or at all) i actually thought i was pretty flexible compared to how i was raised. now i have to learn a whole new way of doing everything...... i was suggested in pm to re do the rules list and involve the kids(specifically SS) so that they will be more willing to co-operate with the rules and understand them better. i am planning to do that tomorrow if the boys are feeling okay(flu). well, i think i should mostly include the 4yo and SS because i think they are the ones who could really use it.