Made the mistake of reading the parent's forum

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Hi OP. I'm a parent who is more than happy with my children (one with asd and one nt). We also have a cat. We're in the UK and medicating isn't really done here and asd is seen more as a difference than a disease I think. I have come across some parents who want to fix their child but I have to say not often on here. Though I don't read the parents section that much.

I sure appreciate how much you get exactly what I was saying. This is what I took away from people who contacted me privately as well. I was looking to talk about alternative ways of viewing AS, how we cope as parents with AS with various issues, etc. I do have a pretty good handle on my relationship with my son, and he with me. We're a great team and I don't think we struggle all that much in our daily lives. I definitely don't want to discuss things in the parenting forum, though.

There are some lovely people online with alternative views like my friend Ally Grace who write the blog 'Suburban Autistics' and many others. I think I will focus on developing friendships with other parents via other means. I think how we talk about our kids and how we talk about our parenting matters a lot, and I don't feel that it's in my son's interest for me to discuss him on the internet.

I imagine he will make his way to WP one day and out of respect I think it's best that I sort out any difficulties I am having with our relationship directly with him.

We don't medicalise in Australia much either. I am glad I remained in Australia with my child. I'm from the USA originally. I have developed a rather awful chronic illness here, probably due to the UV in Australia, and seriously considered moving home last year for some extra help. Even though we are stuck inside during summer for the most part here and I am often unwell, I sure do appreciate what kind of life we have here in comparison. I think we are quite fortunate.

Coming to Australia originally seemed like a very bad decision and I have had a hard time with it for a long time because it's been hard to adjust, but geez we are so fortunate here in comparison. I'm even able to stay home and home educate my son with some support from the government, and they don't interfere in how I do that at all here in Victoria. Our specialist paeds here have been very against medicating children for anything but as an extremely last resort, we don't see pharmaceutical ads on telly telling us every little thing we need a pill for, either.

Like I said above I don't feel comfortable discussing my child with strangers on the internet, because I think it's disrespectful. We have experienced various issues, both of us, that were scary and upsetting in our family. Those issues we've experienced are definitely due to our autistic challenges, but I guess my perspective on how to deal with those issues is different from a lot of others, and that's ok. I do think all parents, well the majority anyhow, really are trying to do our very best for our kids. Parenting is the hardest job ever for real. I think those of us who work at being any good at it are also constantly questioning ourselves and our decisions, which is likely part of what makes us good parents.

By the way, I take medication for depression and have done so on and off throughout my life. I am not against medication or modern medicine by any stretch of the imagination. It's saving my life currently due to my chronic illness. SSRIs have helped me in my life at various stages and I wouldn't be against my son needing medical help of any nature in future. We have gotten through many difficult patches without medication. I believe the way we live our lives has a lot to do with that, and also know that we are fortunate to be able to live the lives we are living, and not everyone has that opportunity.

Not going too well at avoiding this thread but didn't want to leave things hanging or leave people feeling like I am not responding to them when they have taken the time to reach out in a kind way to me. Thank you all for that, those of you who have. x

I realized looking for support from people I know IRL.....well at best I get it, but they may get tired of me quickly.....and sometimes, people have used what I said IRL against us. So while it may seem disrespectful to you to talk about your child on the Internet, and I do respect its wrong for you, we all have to find a way to balance the need for understanding and support with privacy and self protection. On or off the Internet.

I am happy for you that you have many options! And I suspect you will not get hurt so much in the real world from saying too much to someone who isn't kind as I have been. For you, other things are good options. I hope I have explained right so you understand how the Internet can also be a support for those of us who cannot find much IRL.

I totally understand that. The internet has been a big support in my life, and I shared a lot about my family situation online over the years. I have only come to reflect on that in a new way recently as my child has become older, and the more I have seen parents sharing online about our kids. It is definitely all about 'balance the need for understanding and support with privacy and self-protection'.

I feel more comfortable sharing my own issues and problems as they are mine to share, than sharing issues and problems I might be having with my child, if that makes sense. I think I need to share those issues and problems with him directly. He is 12 and capable of participating in conversations with me about his issues with me, and I am capable of participating in conversations with him about my issues with him. I am also fortunate in that way, too, and understand not everyone has that experience.

Just a different way to look at it: No one here knows who I am. No one here knows who my children are. People IRL know who I am and who my kids are. I have shared things online that I would never share with people IRL out of respect for my kids' privacy.

I also have few people IRL who have any true understanding of what it is like to raise a kid with spectrum issues. Here, I can find people who have already been through what I am going through. I also can find people who do not tend to see things the same way I do, and often their feedback leads to greater insight and new lines of thinking. The people I spend time with IRL tend to be much more similar to me because...well...we are friends. The people I spend time with online are much more diverse, so I am much more likely to have my perspective challenged or to be exposed to a new way of seeing things. I find those things very beneficial, and I actually am quite fond of people on this forum who I would probably not be friends with IRL, not because I would have anything against them, but because we would not have enough in common for me to spend time with them (I am a bit of a hermit, and I don't spend time with people often, so when I do, it is a few close friends that I have had for a long time).

I like being Kittened bring on more Kittens.

I totally understand that, too. For me, I tend to talk about 'all sorts of things' in my posts that would easily identify me whether or not I am outwardly identifiable to those who don't know me. Honestly just reading through the last six posts I have made here would indicate who I am to anybody who knows me in the real world.

One of my AS 'things' is not being able to 'wear different hats' in different situations. I don't know how to be 'this anonymous and private person online' like a lot of others do. I'm the same here as I am in the real world, and talk about the same things here as I would in the real world. I don't do that on purpose, really, just because I don't have any clue how to do or be anything but that. Not sure if that makes sense!

I'm on Effexor (SSRI), Cipralex (I don't know what this one does) and Respiridone (anti-psychotic). The only side effect I've had is getting fat from the anti psychotic. I used to suffer so so much without these drugs. It was horrible.

I am glad you have found some relief. I do believe in modern medicine and that there are drugs out there that can help us, so am not opposed to that at all. I have gotten fat from drugs for my SLE. One I have to take is a constant dose of steroids, which makes 'dealing with a lot of things' more challenging in light of my AS. Still, I have to take them because they are going to keep lupus from attacking my organs and killing me, hopefully. I also take a drug for neuropathic pain caused by lupus which makes me fatter. I take paroxetine when I have bad depressive episodes in life, and I have had to come to terms with the reality that I just might need them on and off for the rest of my life and am grateful they are available.

If my own child ever struggled with depression in the way I do, I would most certainly help him access medication. SSRIs have saved my life more than once, and I am glad they are available.

Speaking only from experience, I think it would be quite challenging for an NT parent to raise a HFA child. Please note, I am not going to address this response for non-HFA children, as that is not something I have direct experience with.

As, I would gather that it would be the NT parent's primary focus to change the child. To make them more like themselves. I think, though I may be incorrect, that this is simply human nature at play.

Not surprisingly, I think an HFA parent would have a much easier time raising an HFA child. As they can easily relate to the challenges the child is going through.

I remember, when my own child (who was never diagnosed, but has lots of aspie traits) was younger. I mentioned something to my wife about our child’s social skills My wife started to tear up and said something that I will remember to this day - "But - I don't want our daughter to be like you". This was before I was diagnosed. Before I even knew what Asperger's was.

While I never considered myself a great parent (I am way way way too much into my own little world), I think my presence greatly helped in terms of raising our children. Both of who seem comfortable with who they are. Which to me, is the most important thing.


I am not convinced that this alone would suffice. Because the HFA child still needs to leave the house and co-exist with others. Unfortunately. But, that is the way it is. So, from my experience, there are other obstacles (above and beyond parents) for "developing just fine". With that being said, parents can set the tone. And make certain that the HFA child is comfortable with who he/she is.

I 100% agree. Unless a parent expects to take care of the HFA child forever, the parent's must prepare the HFA child for adulthood. Even though I didn't like it, my parents pushed me hard. If they hadn't, I would still be living at home.

Same. The family that raised me went over the top with it, and I am trying to be more moderate, but I believe helicoptering and doing everything for our kids is the last thing they need. I was fully prepared to leave home in my teen years and handle *most things* on my own despite my challenges. I was able to find work and pay bills and care for myself (for the most part). I screwed up a great deal and didn't have anybody to help due to 'estrangement' but I was generally able to manage in life due to being taught how to manage life things early on.

Each person needs to seek out their best environment. Science and engineering certainly are friendlier environment for autistic young people. Me, even with shortcomings in my social skills, I hosted dinner parties and organized running events when I was in my PhD program, because relatively speaking, there were many more eccentric people than myself. Secondly, the world is changing. People are becoming more accommodating. Who would have guessed "Big Bang Theory" would become a popular TV sitcom today?

By my own standards, I was not fully developed as a child, simply because autism was not even a known word. No one knew about it, let alone how to raise these kids. Looking at my daughter now, with so many friends and participating in conversation and all social activities, I tend to believe that early development makes all the difference. I had eye-contact problems up until I was around 30 years old. My daughter (7 years old) doesn't now. My son (5 years old) doesn't now. But both of them had the same problem earlier in their childhood. How did they learn to make eye contact? I looked back at their development, and the answer became clear to me. It was because I drew stick-figure pictures for them. They learned to focus on the stick figures. They learned to focus their eyesight on relevant objects, instead of focal points of maximum contrast. (More explanations are given on my website.) Without eye-contact, what do you expect about social skills?

It's easy to attribute lack of social skills and verbal skills (and sensory problems) as inherent to autism. But from what I can see from my own children, I would tend to think that is not the case. I believe all the wiring for social and verbal skills is there, intact, in the brains of autistic children. It's just that these children need to be developed differently from typical children. Once developed, the lack social and verbal aspects should not become a hallmark in their lives. Lack of social and verbal skills are not signs of autism: they are signs of underdevelopment. I can clearly notice my change throughout the years. I started to use verbal thinking only when I was around 17 years old. I made good eye contact only when I was 30 years old. I would think that when properly developed, it did not need to take me decades to acquire these skills. My point is, if a child is properly developed, I tend to believe that he/she should be able to stand on his/her own in the mainstream environment, since early school age.

Autism and underdevelopment are two separate issues. The one does not imply the other. Autistic children tend to be underdeveloped in the past, but with our knowledge today, I would think that should not be the case any more. I believe that visual communication is the key, particularly stick figures. You have to understand that all input signals are amplified in the brains of these children. Without stick figures, their attention tends to be focused elsewhere. Stick figures enables them to focus on what you want them to focus. You don't build this link, of course social and verbal problems will ensue. The great things about stick figures are: (a) they come with maximum contrast already: black and white, so the signals are already maximally amplified, (b) they contain only the relevant information, nothing to distract your children's attention. Social/verbal problems happen because the children cannot focus and are distracted by other overwhelming signals. I think that if you are able to prune out all irrelevant signals and start from the children's focus of attention (stimming behaviors, stick figures, video clips, etc.), you can guide them and develop them in the direction you want. My boy learned to talk, write, draw, type, all from his passion about elevators. Remove all irrelevant signals, and use their focus of attention (stimming behaviors, stick figures, video clips), and I think they will be able to learn any skill they need to learn. Just my opinion. You just gave me some ideas on what video clips I need to make for my son next. Thanks.

Were it solely up to me I wouldn't change a darned thing about my kid. Problem is, she really needs to one day be able to hold down a job and keep an apartment on her own. I'm not going to be around forever. Anything I do in an attempt to "Change" her is solely focused on the goal of "independence".