Sometimes I HATE my AS step-son

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If you don't want your step child to grow up to be like me, you've got to show him that you are capable of loving him. I didn't feel loved by my own parents the way that they seemed to love my sister as a child, and I grew up to be like a celebrity who's extremely sensitive. Do you want your child to grow up like that, or do you want your child to grow up to be a strong and resilient adult who can take anything and everything that life throws at him? If you want your step son to grow up to be tough and resilient, than you've got to show him that you love and accept him unconditionally and you've got to be willing to listen to everything that he wishes to tell you, even if it is about his troubles, his feelings or his special interests. You've got to love him unconditionally if you want him to grow up to be a strong person who is immune to anxiety and depression. If you want him to grow up to be extremely sensitive like Mick Avory of The Kinks as a perfect example of how I've turned out, keep on doing what you're doing. Just don't sneer at him for turning out that way like my mum did the first summer that I was diagnosed with depression.

OK, so I started this thread originally because I needed to *vent* because we were going through a particularly rough patch and I was feeling hopeless. Mostly this thread has been incredibly helpful…I thought the thread had died but now I've come back to find new comments, some of which felt hurtful to me. For the past 3 ½ years I have put all of my energy into helping this child. I have gone from being a happy relatively healthy person, to being someone who has gained 30 lbs, is chronically stressed out, and has serious health problems. I honestly don't know what to think about these judgmental comments except that I feel the need address them, perhaps because addressing them is more helpful to me than anything, therapeutic maybe to get all of my thoughts on this "out there"...so I'm sure it will be very long so just skip it if you aren't interested...this is more for me than anything at this point!

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I may not be Seth's biological mom (she passed away) but I have become one of Seth's parents. A parent is defined as more than just someone who gives birth to a child, but as someone who nurtures and raises a child...and that's exactly what I'm doing. He lives in my house, he's on my health insurance plan and I am his legal guardian; every day of my life is spent tending to his various needs.

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Again, when I got married my husband did not have custody. Seth lived with his mom thousands (and I do mean thousands) of miles away. His mom was very young and she died suddenly and we unexpectedly gained custody.



I don't know how people could read this entire thread and not get it that this child is our top priority? I go to parent/teacher conferences, music performances, take him to Dr.'s appointments, find him fun activities to do, cook vegan meals for him (even though his dad and I are not vegetarians and it’s a lot of extra work for me) I wash his clothes and help him with his homework and buy his school supplies and toys and I hug him regularly (when he wants hugs) and tell him *constantly* how much I love him. Just because I'm capable of feeling hate towards him from time to time, when he pushes me to my breaking point, does *not* mean that I don't love this kid, and work night and day to make his life better!



I agree with you on this. I have fantasies about getting a divorce, but I never would because I know that both need me too much.



Again, I AM Seth's parent! Not his biological mom, but his step-MOM, someone who is raising and nurturing this child. I spend a lot of time with him alone. He needs discipline that is consistent. Our family has family rules that we’ve all agreed to...and there are consistent consequences for breaking those rules for all of us. For example, if I'm alone with Seth and he is wound up and in danger of hurting one of the cats (or getting hurt himself!), I will call him on it and he will have to deal with the consequence (first warning is fine, but if he keeps it up and the cats hiss at him again he has to clean and refill their water dish). Doing the activity helps him calm down so the behavior is less likely to continue. If the only time he got called on this behavior was when his dad was around, that wouldn't make any sense. The consequence is not effective if it comes a day later when his dad gets home.

The way Seth gets raised affects both my husband and I equally. We discuss everything related to his upbringing. My husband is Seth's biological father and so the tie will always go to him, but that does not mean that I shouldn't have a say in how he is raised.



First of all, I've never said that I yell at him for no reason. I've said that he complains that he can't tell what sets us off when we yell at him even though it is usually in response to something very obvious and ongoing after asking him repeatedly to do (or not do) something and having him ignore us. I agree that is partly an AS thing and that's why I think saying point blank "If you don't stop now I'm afraid I am going to get angry and start yelling and I don't want to do that!" is a really good idea.



My husband has AS too. He knows that saying those things is mean and he doesn't say it very often (like maybe only twice ever, when he has *really* melt down and in response to Seth acting like a total jerk) and then he has no control and is not thinking. Afterward my husband cries and feels horrible guilt and thinks he's the worst parent ever. Only he's not a bad parent, it's just that Seth can REALLY be a jerk sometimes. None of you know this child so don't just assume it's *all* AS and that he can't (in addition to having AS) also act like an ungrateful, hostile, spoiled brat from time to time. My husband never gets physically violent, but he knows that swearing at his son is not OK and we have all kinds of plans in place to keep it from happening (and we all go to therapy). I hope it never happens again but I don't think that's realistic.



This is helpful, and I understand some of this intellectually, but it is another thing to try and live with someone who always focuses on the negative, no matter how hard you work to make their life better.

Let me give an example, I asked Seth if he wanted to go to this gingerbread building party that you had to register for in advance. He got very excited about it and said yes, he wanted to go. OK, so I signed us up and paid for it in advance. I remind him about it several times the week before (he doesn't like surprises)...Sat. morning my husband and I got up early to take him to this. I was bright and cheery "Are you excited about this gingerbread building party today?" and he starts to complain about how he doesn't want to go to it and that it's going to be stupid etc. I told him that since we'd already signed up, his dad and I were going to go and we'd love it if he could join us and afterward we could go pick out a Christmas tree. I had to subtly convince him to come with us for about a half an hour...but he finally agreed even though he was sulky most of the way there. Turns out he had a great time and the three of us made a really cool house together. We got an extra kit because he wanted to decorate another one with his aunt and uncle who aren't in town very often.

We let him pick out a tree even though we're going out of town this year and didn't want to get one but did because he was so excited about setting up his train underneath it. So later help decorate it and set up his train and then we both helped him with his homework for several hours. Then I had to cook and clean for 5 hours straight so his aunt and uncle could come over for dinner and then after dinner they built another gingerbread house together only Seth was being really obnoxious and mean to his aunt and uncle for not being as good and precise at decorating as he was. Everything had to be his way. We were good sports about it but I was embarrassed because I could tell his aunt and uncle were really annoyed.

After his aunt and uncle left, Seth wanted to watch Polar Express (one of his favorites) that I’d recorded for him. We told him that he wouldn't have enough time to finish it before bed and since he has a hard time stopping in the middle of things, maybe he should watch something else. But he insisted that he'd be able to stop and wouldn't complain about stopping at bedtime.

So, we did the countdown to bedtime thing and he still got really angry about having to stop the movie before it finished. He complained that he "never gets to do anything he wants" and we told him that wasn’t true and look at all the fun stuff we’d just done and if he continued to complain, next time he wanted to start a movie he couldn't finish before bedtime, the answer would be no. I told him that I would unlock the parental controls as soon as I got home from work the next day so he could finish watching it. He said "That would be great" and I thought, wow, he's going to be cool about this...but then he continued "because no one ever does what they say they're going to do and I'm getting sick of it!"...and he said it in this completely toxic, angry tone of voice that really makes me crazy. I told him that was unfair, that I have always unlocked his shows when he's asked me to and that none of us goes back on our word and he just said "YAH RIGHT!" and then ran down the stairs punching the walls and slammed his door and started crying hysterically for over 30 minutes, even though neither of us had even gotten angry with him or raised our voices.

So, this is the kind of thing I'm talking about! It's more than just AS...it's a really really bad attitude toward people who are bending over backward to try and give him a good life! The weekend before we took him skiing and he complained about the lift lines, then he complained about skiers who weren’t as fast as he is, and then when a kid his age fell in front of him, he started laughing really loud, pointing and yelling FAIL FAIL FAIL! The place we go skiing is this very friendly, laid back place where everyone is really happy and kind and helpful to one another, and here he is yelling at someone who had a pretty bad wipe out and could have been hurt. This after we’ve told him repeatedly that it’s really mean to make fun of people who are just learning to ski or who have an accident.

And to Pandora_Box,



When I said that Seth lies, I don’t mean that he tells me one story and the teacher (or students) tell a different story. I mean that he lies to my face all the time. An example, Seth is very forgetful. He often forgets to pack his lunch. He’s vegan so he can’t/won’t eat the lunch at the cafeteria at school so he will go all day without eating, which makes his behavior a lot worse than usual. I’ll say “Seth, did you remember to make a sandwich for school today?”… “Yes”. “And did you pack it in your backpack.” “Yes”. So, if I checked in your backpack right now, there’d be a sandwich in there? “Well, maybe I didn’t pack one this morning”. Now, if he had said “Oh, I forgot”, it wouldn’t be a big deal. I don’t get upset at him ever for forgetting stuff because I was a very forgetful kid. However, he lies because he doesn’t want to do something. “Did you just brush your teeth”. “Yes”. “So if I smelled your breath right now it would smell like tooth paste” “Well, maybe I didn’t brush them tonight!”. Before you get upset at me for checking on things like this, he has gotten cavities in all his baby teeth and now that he’s getting his permanent teeth, I want to make sure they stay healthy…especially since they’re taking $7,000 US dollars out of my paycheck this year for his braces! Not to mention the other deceptive things he does, like he will go into the bathroom and turn on the shower for 15 minutes and come out bone dry with dry hair and say that he took a shower and washed his hair! And we've asked him if he has sensory issues that make showering painful or if there's some other way he'd prefer to bathe but that's not the case, he just doesn't want to do it.

The kid who got rocks shoved up his nose was a sweet little 3rd grader when Seth was in 5th grade, and was a kid that Seth actually liked. The kid was tiny, terrified, and nearly had to go to the ER. When I asked Seth why he did it he said he didn’t know. All the occasions where he has a side and the school has another…it is Seth who gradually admits that he was more to blame than he originally let on! He got caught stealing a prize from a carnival, his teacher said “I know one of you guys took the prize but if you return it by the end of the day you won’t get into trouble.” No one returned it so at the end of the day she made the kids turn their pockets inside out and Seth got caught red handed. Before you claim someone put it in his pocket to get him into trouble, he admitted to taking it. When asked why, he said “I don’t know why”.

My feeling is that some of you who are so judgmental with me:



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OR



I’m guessing that none of you are parents yourselves! If you were, you’d realize that it’s REALLY REALLY hard! You can love a child “unconditionally” and still have requirements of them in order to make the lives of all family members bearable. Yes, it’s important to listen to your child when they go on and on and on about their special interest, but for how long? 20 minutes a day? An hour? 5 hours? If we didn’t have limits, he would talk about it non-stop, night and day. Those of you who are so judgmental, how much of your free time do you spend every day pretending to be engaged in a one-sided conversation about something you have absolutely no interest in? The sad truth is that people have limits to what they can tolerate. And I’ve never said that I don’t listen when he complains…I do…but his complaining is incessant, and often not founded in reality. I believe in positive reinforcement and trying to do gratitude journaling and focusing on the positive instead of the negative. That doesn’t mean he has to pretend that everything is OK when it’s not, I just get tired of what feels like an extreme lack of gratitude.

On a positive note, my husband’s and mine’s therapist is back from vacation and we have appointments for this week. Also, my husband and I are scheduled for a “parent interview” with the neuro-psychologist for mid February to start Seth’s formal assessment. That seems like a ways off to me but she isn’t always in the community where we live so we have to wait. Still, having a date to look forward to has me feeling a little more positive. Also, despite the above stories from this past weekend, none of those things resulted in serious melt downs and were pretty minor compared to what had been going on before I started this thread. Relatively speaking, things have seemed better and I am trying to put into effect some of the wonderful advice I’ve received here. Thanks to those of you who offered encouragement and sympathy. Sorry if I seem defensive, but it’s hurtful to read that people think I’m ruining this child’s life, because I do love him very very much and I honestly don't think that is the case!

Try not to be too offended by some of the comments that come from younger Aspies or those that have gone through something with a "bad" step parent. As Aspies it is hard for us to feel empathetic toward someone or really listen and see their side, we relate to what has happened to us because that is what we understand. We can be very sympathetic, like I worked in the medical field for a long time, I learned that some people who are being nasty could have had something bad happen to them but I still had a hard time when people said things that "sounded" hurtful to me. Also as my Psychiatrist told me, some people are just jerks ! If someone was sick and needed something that was more straight forward and I understood and could be sympathetic. You said you have an auto immune disease which is what I have (ankylosing spondylitis) and it has been ignored and allowed to progress and destroy nerves and cause deformities in my back. I can empathize with how hard it must be for you to deal with your step son as an angry older boy going through puberty.
If I heard a bully saying that someone with Aspergers what bugging them and they tried to be nice but just couldnt then I would get defensive and that is what some of these people "hear" from you, if you understand what I mean? I am trying to understand what you are saying and as I said if you are not honest no one can really help you, that does not mean that some of the comments you have made were not painful for me to hear but then I stop and think about it and try to understand. Younger or those who have been traumatized by parents or step parents are not going to be able to do that.
I do know that it is hard to be a step parent as I said I saw my husband struggle with my kids. They did not like him telling them what to do but at the same time they did want to be accepted as his children, they wanted the good parts but had a hard time accepting him ordering them around. They went on the defensive "You are not my DAD!" but then wanted "Daddy" when they were sad or needed attention....its very complicated, especially for an aspie.
I dont understand the lying and stealing thing. As I have mentioned recently in another post and in many others this is not at all typical for someone with Autism or Aspergers. It is terrifying for us to step over the line, to lie and certainly to steal. This may be caused by something else and have nothing to do with his Aspergers at all, this sounds like a cry for attention or could be caused by the trauma of loosing his Mom. Another thing you need to understand is that Aspies dont show emotion or are able to accurately convey our feelings sometimes. A Psychologist who can take a non judgmental view would be much better to help you.
I understand that it may be hard for NT (neuro typicals) to understand people with autism because we struggle to understand them. I assume its the same.
I just dont want you to feel like anyone is attacking you, they are just expressing themselves in a blunt literal fashion the way Aspies do, we typically do not sugar coat things the way NT's do. I have learned to get people to listen sometimes you have to hold your words but sometimes its hard and I get upset too. When you have been misunderstood and knocked around your whole life you get very defensive and we are very defensive when we think we see another aspie getting trampled and that is what some people think they are seeing.
Hope I made sense!

When posting here you have to remember that these are not just parents of kids with Autism or Aspergers these are also people with Aspergers/Autism. I am a mother with Aspergers. Some people who post here are younger people with Aspergers.

I think one of the problems here is that it is one thing to be frustrated, but it is another thing to come off like you despise the kid.

It makes it hard to get empathy, for I think obvious reasons. I am not minimizing the difficulties you are having, at least I really hope that is not how it comes out, but try to look at things from the autistic point of view. It will help you learn how to deal with your son better, too. I was going to type some different things, but I thought about it, and changed my mind, because I don't think it would be helpful, and much of it has already been said. It is hard on the parent end of it, too, so I will try to be less critical.

I understand that you feel you got put into a situation you did not want and that you think he should feel gratitude for your help. I don't even think an NT kid would feel gratitude under these circumstances. I don't think that is even appropriate to expect. His mother died, his world got turned upside down, and he has a ton of new things to get used to. He isn't Oliver Twist or Annie or some random vagrant that needs to feel grateful. He is entitled to love and understanding from his father and anyone his father has as a significant part of his life. I do not know how perceptive he is, and what you are (unintentionally) projecting towards him, but if on top of that if he can even tell hints of how you feel, that will make it worse. Sometimes as bad as they are with verbal/nonverbal language they can still read your emotions better than you think. You have to find time to yourself, or something, somehow, so you can gain perspective and see if you are capable of walking this back.

I reiterate what others have said that the lying and whatnot is not Aspie-ish at all, but it sounds like some of it is because he is defensive. Aspie's often hate things like toothbrushing and baths/showers for sensory reasons and so he has figured out if he lies he may get out of it. He might be sick of the nagging too. I am not saying the nagging isn't necessary. I have to nag mine, too. I try to do it with a lightness of spirit, so he takes it in the spirit of how it is meant. I have a younger one, who is not under the emotional turmoil that yours is under, so it is much easier to do. It is much harder to do, I am quite sure, with a child with whom you have little rapport.

If you decide you can handle this responsibility in a way that doesn't make him feel unloved, then you, yourself will have to have a more positive inner dialogue. It is not that you can't vent occasionally about things that are frustrating but you have to be able see him in a more positive light; even the negatives, because they are the flip side of the whole. I would try listing his good qualities so you can appreciate them. Next I would think about how the negatives can be viewed in a more positive way. It isn't enough to love him because you love his dad and they are a package. You have to love him for who he is.

Some things are going to be hard. That is just how it will be. Some of it will be hopefully be temporary and will subside as you understand one another better. (That is true even when you raise a spectrum kid from scratch!) Some of it will have to do with how he processes his mother's death, and your presence. Some of it is who he is, and will just manifest in different ways as he grows and matures.

First of all, it's important to remember that the incredibly valuable thing about this forum as opposed to other forums is that there are people here with AS. Therefore, like it or not, you're going to get the pure, unadulterated Aspie perspective - and that is an incredible gift.

Unfortunately, sometimes that gift feels like a slap in the face. While it's certainly OK to respond that you didn't appreciate comments, keep in mind that these commenters are speaking to you from the place your stepson is coming from, and giving you a chance to figure out how he thinks without involving him at all. Many aspies are abrupt, literal, and don't understand "venting;" as they would not edit their feelings in one situation and let them out in another - everything is right out there, all the time.

And, guys - keep in mind that this woman is undergoing the equivalent of you being in high school - except it's 24/7. This time, she as the NT is the minority, and Aspies are running things - but she's experiencing exactly the same anger and confusion that you did when tossed into a primarily NT 9th grade. Maybe you experienced a little inappropriate anger at all the communication confusion back in the day?

We have this - it isn't quite lying. Try imagining that your stepson has to speak to you only in classical latin, and he's had only a couple years of lessons. Isn't it easier to say "Yes" than "my toothbrush feels funny and it really bothers me, could we possibly go get another one?" or "The shower feels like needles and I just can't stand it, can I take a bath instead?"

The second part is wishful thinking: my son sometimes wants to have done something, so he assumes things are the way he wants them to be. So, you ask about the sandwich, he imagines a sandwich in his backpack, then he assumes there really is a sandwich, and then when you get to questioning him on it, he gets confused. Start with the "when I check your backpack, will I find a sandwich?" and cut out the frustrating dialogue. Sadly, yes, you are going to have to check up on every little thing for a while.

Diniesaur, I disagree with you about never disciplining or yelling at her stepson because he isn't her biological son. She is responsible for the child, so she has to sometimes discipline him. Depending on his level of AS and how he deals with things like that, yelling is not out of the question. I was yelled at quite a bit as a child, and it didn't bother me that much. Some people can't handle being yelled at, and I would say that if it upsets him greatly, moreso than it would any other child, then don't do it. Some people with AS can handle that, some cannot.

I have four kids. They have had many, many other kids over or to spend the night, weekend, weeks even. When those kids are here, I am responsible for them. I do discipline them when need be. I don't spank them of course, but I have yelled when they did something they shouldn't. I have made them sit down in the livingroom for 15 minutes and not play the video game, etc. Just as I would expect another parent to discipline my child when my child is at their house.

It does a child no favors for an adult responsible for them to not discipline them. Should the teachers at school not discipline him because they aren't his parent?

Just because we have AS does not give any of us a free pass to avoiding discipline. Those who are responsible for the child must understand what he can help and what he cannot help. Then discipline appropriately based on his needs and abilities.

PS. I'm the parent of NT's but I have AS, so if, as was suggested on another thread, anyone wants to ignore advice from parents of NT's, it's no skin off my nose. I almost didn't post here again, but decided not to let one smarmy comment stop me. If more parents would rather I not post, then I will graciously bow out. I do not have any experience raising kids on the spectrum, my only experience is being a kid on the spectrum.

OliveOilMom, I didn't read that post - but the fact that NTs and AS parents and people of all stripes post here is one of the reasons I value this forum. We all need to have thick skins here, because our ultimate goal is to have NT and AS working together.

Thanks. Looking back, I'm not even sure if the comment was referring to me. It was on another thread that I had posted some advice on.

My skin is pretty thick, actually. It has to be or I'd be in a rubber room or nonfunctional about now Some days, when I'm really stressed and dealing with all kinds of things, one little thing can rub me the wrong way and I'll get upset or mad or take offense over it. I don't know why, it's just how I am.

I've always been pretty sensitive, but I've had to learn to not let things bother me so much. It's hard to do with AS, but when I'm thinking about something thats bothering me, and brooding on it, if I can remember to, I will purposefully try to think of something else. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I just fly off the handle at someone when I shouldn't. I'm great at flying off the handle and giving somebody a piece of my mind. I'm at my best in situations where that's actually called for, which isn't anywhere near as often as I do it.

When I was a kid, there was "no such thing" as AS, and people like me were just "wierd" or "shy" or "selfish" or whatever word the person wanted to use that seemed to fit. I've been called all that. The things I did or needed to do or needed to have were seen as selfish and behavior based, not based on something "real". It was a sink or swim situation, and I was sinking and would have just sunk and not been able to function like I do now, had it not been for a group of girls and one guy I became friends with in school. They were sort of "outcasts" too, except for the guy, he was popular. Even though they were "outcasts" they knew how to function in the social world, which I did not. They understood what was proper to do in public and what wasn't and what you should and shouldn't say. They accepted me and actually answered me with a real reason when I'd ask them "why" I should or shouldn't do something. They were patient and helped me learn the things I needed to learn and reminded me to do or not do things. Over time, I became almost like an NT when I needed to be. I don't think like an NT, or feel like an NT about lots of things, but through all these years, acting like one, like I do every single day, has become habit. I've only been diagnosed a few years, and it doesn't change anything. Theres no magic pill to take to make me suddenly stop feeling some things extra intensely, or interpreting things completely wrong. Reading that one comment just someway or other "got me" and I got ticked and so there ya have it. It's just me, and if I did interpret it wrong, which I may very well have, it's no biggie.

So, anyway, I don't know why I explained all that to you when a short answer would have sufficed, but I do that all the time, even in person, and then as I always tell people even in person, sorry to go on so long with it, but I like to explain things so people understand where I'm coming from.

I guess I feel a little like OliveOilMom with reading a few comments here that rubbed me the wrong way and ended up feeling a little "attacked" and misunderstood and feeling the need to explain myself. That does not mean that I don't value the thoughts of everyone here: NT parents of Aspies, Aspie parents of Aspies or Aspie parents of NTs or Aspies reflecting on how they were raised. Your points are well-taken, liloleme, about how some people who comment in this section are younger Aspies who do not have children and who have had bad experiences that inform how they respond to this thread. And yes, as momsparky wrote, getting the perspective of an Aspie is an incredible gift. I agree! I appreciate everyone's input, even if some of it puts me on the defensive. I think having to "defend" myself is good for me as a mental exercise, as I write out these responses I'm really having to think things through in how I've reacted in situations and that is incredibly valuable. When you feel like you're hanging on by a thread, you often don't take the time to really mull things over.

My experience from reading in other areas of this forum is that sometimes people with AS express a lot of hostility towards NTs, or lump us all together with the same batch of horrid popular girls/boys who tormented them in school. The truth is, just because we are not on the spectrum does not mean that we have had an easy life or that we've never been bullied or felt "weird", different, and alone in life. I was teased and bullied in school for being poor and overweight, for never having the right clothes, and for being dropped off at school in an old rusty car that left a plume of black smoke a mile long. I was picked on by teachers at my Catholic school, hit, made to sit in the corner because I got easily bored yet tested incredibly high in most subjects. My parents forced me to go out for sports even though I was useless at them and they never came to my games. I had an abusive, alcoholic father and a manic depressive mom who died young of cancer while I was still in school...the combination made for a very unstable home life and was the major contributing factor for not wanting to have kids. I never had a boyfriend in my entire life until I met my husband at age 37. I share this only to give the perspective that just because a person is "NT" does not mean we are shallow socialites who are going to trample over the rights and feelings of Aspies. My biggest downfall is that I'm too empathetic, to the point where I feel like an emotional basket case sometimes because I'm a good listener and people often come to me with their problems and I tend to internalize their pain too much.

However, because of my extreme empathy I can relate to some of what Seth is going through when he expresses rage at my husband and me, because I used to feel that same level of rage at my parents and at life, and as a child you feel so helpless and unable to control anything.

ASDMommyASDKid said "...it is one thing to be frustrated, but it is another thing to come off like you despise the kid."

I'm sorry if it came across (in my initial vent) like I despise Seth. I do not. Nor does he despise me, in fact, I know that he loves me very much, as I love him. As liloleme mentioned, blended family dynamics can be very complicated. There are times when things go relatively OK, and other times (like when I made my original post) when things are going horribly horribly wrong! Yes, there are situations, brief periods of time, where I feel so angry and frustrated with Seth that it borders on hatred...but these are fleeting moments. The vast majority of time, I feel love and sympathy for him. More than anything, I want him to feel happy, safe, and loved, but I need to feel that way as well.

ASDMommyASDKid also questioned my wanting Seth to feel gratitude for what his dad and I do for him. I can understand where she's coming from...Seth's life *has* been turned upside down, but he has been living with us for over 3 years now and we've created an incredibly stable home life for him, in complete contrast to what my husband and I both experienced growing up. My AS husband was raised by a very poor single mom and was horribly bullied to the point of having to defend himself with a knife in school. Ultimately he had to drop out to be home-schooled for his own safety! This was way before home schooling was so popular.

On my end, my mom rarely cooked or cleaned for us even though she was a stay at home mom...neither of my parents ever helped with my homework, neither of them spent their free time taking me to do fun stuff. I was physically beaten in addition to be screamed at when I did something "wrong"...I would NEVER have "talked back" to either of my parents, let alone yell at them or slam a door in their faces. Even though my parents were incredibly hard on me, they weren't all bad either and I still desperately loved both of them.

And yes, I've been through years of counseling, even before I met my husband, and I feel those childhood issues have been resolved. I vowed to myself that if I ever was a parent, I would be completely awesome at it and never yell at my child or make them feel powerless and angry like my parents had, but that is easier said than done! It's hard for me to be around a child who (since I first met him at age 6) has always acted like a peer with adults and like "HOW DARE YOU TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" That kind of attitude is hard to bare in a young child...and would have been unthinkable in my household growing up.

Let me give an example of what happened this morning. I was still in bed sleeping as I had to work the late shift last night, and first I was woken up by very very loud stomping on the ceiling above me, then my husband yelling "YOU STOP STOMPING LIKE THAT "STEP" IS TRYING TO SLEEP!" and the yelling between the two continued, my husband angry at Seth because he did not unload the dishwasher (his only chore) after being told repeatedly to do it and Seth making up excuses in a really angry tone of voice followed by stomping as hard as he could into the kitchen to unload it, which led to the yelling match between the two of them ending with Seth crying and screaming that he was going to be late for the bus and then slamming the door behind him.

Meanwhile, I'm fully awake and my stomach is in knots. My husband comes into the bedroom incredibly shaken up and says something like "sometimes I just can't stand being around my own kid!" and then asks for a hug. I go to give him a hug. After 10-15 minutes he's totally calmed down and I say, as gently as I can "when you see "Beth" (our mutual counselor) on Friday, maybe you could ask her for some strategies for dealing with Seth besides yelling". He says "Did you hear him stomp as loud as he could into the kitchen to show me how put-out he felt at having to come back to unload the dishwasher?" and I said "Yes, and I also heard you yell at him really loudly too, and I find that equally distressing". I said this really nicely, while still holding him and rubbing his shoulders which he likes. I said "I have an appointment with her on Wednesday and I'm going to work on coming up with strategies myself, because as I've mentioned before, we both have to work on the yelling, it's really not good for any of us". At this he got very upset with me and got up and left the room in a huff. Then he was "grumpy" with me for the rest of the morning.

I really do feel stuck in the middle so much of the time. It is not a good place to be.

To address some specific suggestions by ASDMommyASDKid, we've tried every kind of tooth cleaning device invented and it doesn't matter, he still doesn't want to wash his teeth. Do any Aspies out there have a preference I may not have thought of yet? As for bathing, we've offered to get a different shower head with softer spray settings, or to let him take a bath, but it doesn't seem to matter to him. He just doesn't want to be bothered. It's like, if he doesn't see the value of something, it's very hard to convince him to do it.

And momsparky, about the lying/stealing thing, I agree it doesn't seem like an Aspie trait. One of the things I fell in love with in my husband, was his pathological honesty. Boy oh boy, don't ask him "does this dress make me look fat" unless you *really* want the truth! I can see how maybe some of it is just wishful thinking, or perhaps laziness...I like the idea of starting with the "when I check your backpack, will I find a sandwich?" and cutting out the frustrating dialogue. I'm not trying to catch him in a lie after all...anything to avoid an angry interaction is something I'm willing to try. Also, I appreciate you asking others to try and consider my "outnumbered" position!

And liloleme, I'm sorry to hear you have ankylosing spondylitis, It sounds terrible! I have Hashimoto's Disease which affects my entire body but the aspect of it that causes the most pain is inflammatory arthritis in all my joints. I appreciate that you can empathize how hard chronic pain can be on top of having to deal with stressful work and home life. In fact, stress is one of the key factors that leads to flare-ups, so have some respite is really crucial for my health.

Argh, I better get back to work. I hope everyone who has taken the time to respond to this thread, whether I perceived the post as positive or negative, realizes that I deeply appreciate the effort to help me in this situation. I am here, because I care. Because I want for things to improve and because I'm I need to find hope that things *can* get better!

Step, I think some people are forgetting that you said "sometimes" in your thread title. I repeat sometimes. "SOMETIMES. I hate my AS step son" and aspies should have taken that literal instead of thinking you hate your AS son all the time. How many of us haven't hated our brothers and sister or our parents as children? I am sure even the aspies in this thread had hated their parents at times or their brothers and sisters but that didn't mean they never liked them. People even hate their kids sometimes or their pets and it seems like when someone says they sometimes hate someone, people translate that to "I hate my...." and where is the literal thinking aspies are supposed to have? They should be thinking you hate your AS step son sometimes as the title says.

I apologize for the little continuous fit that I threw in this thread. It strikes a chord with me when I read a thread title that has hate and an autistic family member mentioned under the same breath. I didn't feel the proper type of love from my parents that makes kids grow up to be teenagers who fall in love with a special member of the opposite sex. I knew that my parents liked me, but I wasn't sure if they really loved me, because of the way that I was raised. I'll remember in the future not to open threads with such titles. What's said is said, and I can't take those words back. I can be more choosy about the threads that I open in this section of WP in the future.

Mick

Oh, Lord, THAT is my (more or less) NT daughter!

I attribute it to some kind of undiagnosed mood disorder, or an emotional issue, and I can't tell you how often I've thanked my lucky stars that I got the ASD in a DIFFERENT child (my son). Hard enough to deal with when the AS or the emotional issue is the only issue; layer them over each other and I see wanting to pull your hair out.

This is what I'd suggest. With my daughter I've taken to cutting her off, and saying, "I am not going to play that game" and/or "maybe you just need to go have a good cry to let it all out." I have explained to her separately, when she wasn't in that mood, that this sort of behavior smacks of emotional blackmail and can be emotionally abusive, and that she is old enough and self-aware enough to learn to control it and express herself appropriately. I have explained that I will no longer allow her to go down that road. If she needs to express her upset that is fine, I will never stop her from expressing herself, but when she turns the expression into something that is destructive to the people around her, it has to be reigned in. My daughter is 11 and old enough to understand what I've said, and she couldn't really challenge it; she knows (when she isn't in that moment) that she can be unfair with her words and say things she doesn't mean, just that it hurts so much inside she doesn't know what else to do. So, in concept, when her head is clear, she does understand why I need to take a harder stand on it. When she's upset ... well, it is still a different story, but she is learning, and it certainly helps ME to completely disengage from trying to help her at those moments, because the truth is I could give in a million times, give hundreds of examples to defend myself, and it WOULD NOT HELP. None of that is what she really needs or what the issue really is: it comes down to a pain inside that she is trying to get rid of that has NOTHING to do with the immediate situation.

Does that make any sense?

For some reason I can't find it to quote it, but if you look back at your story on the lunchbox, there is probably a step in the process where you forgot to be precise in your questions. You've clearly got the concept, "did you make your lunch TODAY," but it has to be carried through in each and every question, "and did you put it in your backpack TODAY," or your child will feel quite safe - and actually be honest - in saying "yes" when the answer to the question you MEANT to ask is actually "no."

My 14 year old AS son knows how to play that word game to his advantage, and abuses it, but to his way of thinking, it is MY responsibility to ask my questions PRECISELY, and not his to read between the lines on what I meant. We have made so much progress in so many areas, and most people don't think he presents autistic at all, but I have yet to convince him otherwise on this concept.

Now, I have to admit, there have been times I've coached him to use that literalness to his advantage, for some delicate social situations where the truth should not be told, and the thing is that AS kids like mine don't change the rules by situation. If something is OK in situation A, it should be OK in situation B, which means we get stuck playing that word game when we really have no time or need to. I'm trying to push that back to my son, saying that as a matter of RESPECT and TRUST he should ONLY do it in situations where it is socially necessary, and NOT with me who accepts him unconditionally, foot in mouth or whatever, but it remains hard for him to choose behavior by situation, and not use the same system all the time.

If a parent doesn't understand all that, it will SEEM like a child is lying when, in a literal sense, he is not. Something to walk delicately with, if you don't want AS kids blurting out the truth in all the wrong moments ("you ARE fat!" "that drawing IS ugly!" ... yeah, you get the picture).

Hey Mick,
I just wanted to say that you have nothing to apologize for and that I understand where you are coming from. I think "hate" is a very strong word, and maybe I initially used the wrong word. It was a venting word at a moment of deep despair. I *honestly* do not hate my step-son!

You did respond "If you don't want your step child to grow up to be like me, you've got to show him that you are capable of loving him. "

I do show him that I love him, every day as a matter of fact. And he knows it because I buy him gifts, take him places, listen to him, cook and clean for him, help him troubleshoot problems, etc. Last night I helped him work on finding a few kids he felt OK to invite out for pizza for his birthday. Then I took him out to get invitations and party favors. He was so excited. Every year I bake him vegan cake that I decorate really fancy related to his special interest. One year it was a lego cake with intersecting pieces and another year it was a Death Star with X Wing and Tie fighter cupcakes. We usually go all out for him.

On a side note, you seem like you've grown up to be a very nice person despite not feeling love from your parents...but I do appreciate you sharing how your upbringing made you feel and how it has affected you as an adult.

DW_a_mom, about that one interaction at bedtime reminding you of your NT 11 year old...that's part of the problem...Seth is 11, I can't always tell what is an AS thing and what is just typical for that difficult age! I will try your technique for handling it.

As for speaking "precisely"...I fall into that trap a lot less than I used to but it can be very draining to be so precise if it isn't your nature. Here would be a typical exchange from the past:
ME: "Seth, I'd really like it if you would go outside and play for awhile while I go to the store". No response.
ME: "Seth, did you hear me?, I need for you to acknowledge that I've asked you something"
SETH: "I heard you".
I get back from the store and he's still in his pajamas.
ME: "Seth, why didn't you go outside like I asked you to?".
SETH: "You didn't tell me to, you only said that you'd *like* it if I did. I noted that you'd like it, but decided that I didn't feel like it".
ME: "You knew what I meant!"
SETH: "How could I know what you meant, if you didn't *say* what you meant???".

Today I would say "Seth, I need you to set the timer for 15 minutes. When it goes off, get dressed and go outside and play in the back yard, you could take your remote control helicopter if you like. Take your cell phone with you and set the timer for 30 minutes. You can stay out longer than 30 minutes, but you have to stay outside for at least 30 minutes."

We always have to give time frames for everything. I used to tell him he had to go outside and play "for awhile" and he'd throw a huge tantrum and finally go outside for around 3 minutes and then come back in saying that he'd met my requirement.

And I know he can't stop a task easily once he's started, so I'll tell him, "You need to unload the dishwasher tonight. You don't have to do it right away, you can continue on your laptop for 45 minutes, then you have to take a break to unload the dishwasher, I'll set the timer" (timers are great!). And I may even give him a few count downs. "20 minutes until you have to unload the dishwasher" "10 mintues..."

I think the more precise I can be, the better.

I had a meeting with my counselor today, the first time in over 3 months as she's been out of town. It was very helpful. She's meeting with my husband on Friday, and then the both of us together after the holidays.

It was good to just let it all out to her. She was sympathetic and is legitimately interested in helping us. She is going to do some research and find out if there are any social groups in our area for kids with special needs, or who have a hard time socially. I also asked her to see if there were any support groups for parents!

I did tell her about this site, and some of the advice I've received here and she seemed to think it was a great idea to get help from you all. Thanks again!

Those aren't exactly lies. I'd answer that way to those questions too. Because part of my remembering is visualizing and if I visualize something is the way it is, than I assume it's that way without checking. A lot of people with Aspergers have sensory issues, the toothbrush breeches a sensory issue with them. Maybe you should ask about the toothbrush. I still feel like you're accusing him through your own misunderstanding.

I might not be a parent, but I have Aspergers and know for a fact that when people accuse me of lying I'm not really lying in my mind they simply asked the wrong question and I answered that question truthfully. I also have my younger brothers whom I have taken care of since I was young. So I do know a little information about disicpline and how to behave with someone with autism and asperger. I have always been a kind of pseudo parent and a brother to them.

The way you talk to you AS husband is the way my "mainly" NT daughter talks to her boyfriend. Some people think that she is his slave or that he is abusive but that is not the way it is. After living with a house full of autistic people and my older Bi Polar and possibly Aspergers son she knows what she is doing (My 24 year old son also suffered from drug abuse and overdosed on August 14th after being clean for two years, this has also been very hard for me, I miss him desperately).
Its one reason that my daughter and her boyfriend have had such a good relationship for the past four years. She understands him and he loves her and realizes that not many people would put up with his rants and know how to disarm him the way she does. He is not abusive, he has yelled but he always tells her he is sorry and even cries. We know this because they lived with us for two years. We also understood him and would just tell him to go in his room to calm down if he got upset when my daughter was not home.....then he would call her afraid that we were going to kick him out because he had a "meltdown".....like we dont know what that is. The problem was is that he would not admit to having Asperger's until just recently even though we mentioned it several times to him. He had to come to terms with it himself.
Also like I just mentioned in another post, we are all different. We maybe have other issues that affect our behavior and I am also aware that NT's can have crappy lives too. I know a lot of Aspies on here think that NT's have great lives and are never bullied. I had many friends who were NT who were bullied because they did not wear the right clothes, ect.
I was laughing at the part about the car with the black cloud of smoke, reminded me of the movie Uncle Buck....sorry it is an Aspie moment.....not that it was funny that you were picked on but the way you wrote that part made me giggle .