I dont like the mother my son requires me to be

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Yes, I think it's really important that the video taping is not used against a child. Most kids truly do not remember what it is that they have said or promised because it's seen through the filter of their perspective. It was the the truth to them *then*, but *now* it is perceived differently. I had the most luck if I kept the reminders light and sometimes even humorous. No one wants to feel "attacked" with evidence -- it's just an objective reminder on what was agreed upon by both parties.

OP, I forgot that another thing was when our DD (who is now 10) had somewhat similar issues, her cognitive behavior therapist actually told me to tell my DD that *I* sometimes have issues with impulse control and doing what I have promised. Everyone, for the most part, would love to do something they enjoy forever - even adults! That small change in perspective helped my DD see me as an ally, not strictly as a disciplinarian. I did exaggerate a bit, but I expressed that yes, I can't stand cooking dinner for everyone (cereal and chips/salsa for dinner would be my speed!), but it's my job to cook something healthy and enjoyable for the family. So I told her what I do to get through my "chore" (I give myself a reward of reading a Hollywood gossipy magazine online for a little while ), and how it's my reward for doing my job. And when I've seen that I've done my job for a few days, it makes me happy - it boosts my confidence and helps me continue. Seeing people enjoy what I make and serve also makes me happy.

The point was that the therapist told me to make my DD understand that it's not her against the world. And now I routinely vocalize some of my struggles to continue to help her. One of her challenges is saving her allowance for something that costs more. She says she will save, but in the heat of the moment will blow it on something small - satisfying at first, but when the reality hits, it makes her sad. I tell her, "I would really love this handbag, but I know if I buy this scarf, I won't have enough. It's really hard...can you help me take my mind of buying this scarf?" I ask her for her help to strategize a plan for problems that reflect her problems. If nothing else, it helped her see that I was as vulnerable as she was to temptation and my control/behavior had to be learned as well...

Last edited by audball on 27 Jul 2012, 9:11 am, edited 1 time in total.

I agree with this...it's important not only for parents and other members of the family, but frankly, for the AS child himself/herself. We do not function in a world where AS is well understood. As much as I fight for acceptance and understanding of AS behaviors with the general public, my personal feeling is that it's a NT world, for the most part. As unfair as it is (and I find it very unfair that neuro-diversity isn't more widely accepted), in order to thrive, be successful, and independent in the current state of the world, my daughter (who has Asperger's) has to learn how to navigate certain behavioral expectations. I tell her that the only way she can share her talents is by speaking in the "language" that should be common to everyone: with respect, polite discourse, and non-violence.

to the OP

All of what I have seen here is negitive reinforcement which works only temperarly but in the long run can actually make his behavior worse.
Kids dont develop ODD out of the clear blue sky, it is created from harsh parenting.

Sooo he really likes his Ipod huh?
Ok instead of using it as leverage, use it as a reward.
Make a chart of expected behaviors...each good behavior he exibits, he gets a star, no matter how fleeting. Lets say he needs 5 or more stars to use his Ipod. for x amount of time. If he wants to use to Ipod more, he has to get more stars.

This way, you gain control of the Ipod in that it is in your possesion until he meets the critera to use it for an hour or so.
After that hour is up, take the Ipod back and tell him that he has to earn his usage of it.

Also when setting up the critera for Ipod usage, make sure the goals are obtainable and clearly defined otherwise he will quickly give up and be defiant again.
But most importantly, reward him for his good behaviors, no matter how small and short lived they are. He wants to please you, but he doesnt know how, create the enviroment where he can please you.

The transition to this new structure will be kinda rough, but be consistant no matter what, and he will adjust.

As for punishments, somethings like abusing his siblings are an automatic no Ipod day, but the rest of his behaviors will straighten out if you are consistant with this plan.

You are not a bad mother....you have learned some bad mothering tactics out of desperation, there is a better way.



Jojo

Just like autism is caused by refrigerator mothers.

To me, there is a world of difference between controlling people and teaching them to control their own behaviour. Discipline is about teaching. I've been a teacher for a long time, and have learned that this rewards / punishment does not result in people learning what is right and good. Of course a child needs to be separated immediately from the people and objects he is harming. (And yes, my children have been aggressive and still have bouts, especially my dd with ASD in pre-meltdown phase.) But afterwards, removing a favourite object is not necessarily the most effective way of helping a child learn about respect and kindness.

Anyway, I tried to provide an ap perspective on gentle discipline with a child on the spectrum, or in fact any child. People who don't have the same attitude and values I do obviously won't want to parent my way, so they should feel free to disregard. No need to disagree when ignoring will do just as well. (You'll notice that I rarely state disagreement with other posters, because I know all families are different.)

J.

It seems to me that one approach that might help you to make you feel better about yourself and your son is to re-frame the situation more positively. From what you post - the status quo is that your AS son is intensely interested in video games, and is motivated by nothing aside from their presence/absence in his life when it comes to non-preferred activitities. And this reality is hurting you because you hate to feel that you are having negative interactions with your son (threats and yelling), and him because he is not learning important self-help skills like personal hygiene and physical activity.

Have you tried to flip this around by making the video game time a reward? Maybe in combination with the visual schedule/checklist others have suggested? It may sound more harsh because it sounds like your son could get *no* video time if he does not cooperate with you, but you could start out rigging the checklist in his favor by rewarding (with limited time) your son for things he may typically already do, whatever they are (eating with silverware? dressing himself in the morning? (Trying to remember the new accomplishments of my now-9 AS kid at 6...) But making it so that "extra" time comes from taking a bath, or whatever other non-preferred activity is on a list. I think tackling one activity at a time would be wisest; and also making the first activity, one that can have video game time scheduled after it, to make the reward as tangible/connected as possible with the action that has earned the reward.

I would also suggest dealing with the sister problem in some other way (nothing comes to mind). But it is one thing to try and reward compliance with a specific directive "take a bath" and another to give a vague directive like "don't hit your sister". When? What should he do instead? This would mean you'd lose the option of taking away the video time for this particular infraction. But to me it feels anyway like one that needs more work, I think it is likely that to a much larger degree this is one he "can't" help. He does not know how to avoid hitting his sister because he does not understand why and when be makes the decision to do it, and what decision he should be making instead. Trying to help him understand what makes him want to, and what a more appropriate response would be, seems like it would work better in the long run.


Yeah, this is bribery. But I think that still feels better than yelling.

I have not heard of this before. Please provide a source? Thanks.

I used to think ODD was caused by poor parenting. Always giving in on your kid when they want their way and they learn if they want their way, be violent, scream and throw tantrums to get it and then the parent gives in. Also let them bully other kids and not punish them about it.

MMJMOM,

I cannot and will not offer you advice.... I will only say this:

I completely, whole-heartedly, 100%, and TOTALLY feel your pain. I GET where you are coming from, and you are NOT ALONE in this.

I struggle with this same issue (correction: I'm currently struggling with this issue). I feel myself becoming more and more distanced from my Aspie son, who has an Aspie father. I've spent the better part of 10 years having this struggle with my husband, and I can't help but foresee having this same struggle with my son.

NOTHING gets done unless I say it has to, and there must always be a bribe/consequence before it happens. It's a constant and daily struggle. At the end of the day, something or someone has to change the way they behave and that is NOT an easy thing to do. It's all well and good to say "you should respond like this" but it's something else altogether when you're in the heat of the moment and your child/spouse/loved one has just done/said something for the MILLIONTH time that absolutely gets under your skin.

From a perspective of someone on the outside: It's hard work to constantly maintain being calm and forever dodging meltdowns. There are days when I just want to melt down myself because I'm so TIRED of always being the one who has to fix the situation. But I can't melt down -- I don't have that luxury. I must be the rock and the one who picks up the pieces when everyone else is crumbling around me.

Ugh. What I'm trying to say is I completely GET it. I had tears in my eyes the moment I read the title of your post, before I'd even started reading it. I identify with how you are feeling, and I know how hard it can be. I, too, feel forced into always having to do something drastic just to get his attention. Nothing less will work.... And after 10 years of trying every single "technique" under the sun, I'm sorry to say that I still haven't figured it out. Some days are just going to be bad days. The only thing that keeps me going is that "this, too, shall pass".

If I've learned nothing else, it's that I NEED somewhere to vent -- without judgement -- because I can't vent to those closest to me (for reasons I won't explain here) -- and you also should have a place to vent. I feel for you, really and truly. You will get nothing else from me except a lot of sympathy and hopefully loving words of encouragement. THIS, TOO, SHALL PASS. Hang in there...

This is how I felt in the months before we knew she had AS. Everyone around me was telling me "she just needs a firm hand" and suggesting that I wasnt doing enough to keep her in line. I have suffered withdepresion so I would always assume I was in the wrong and they were right. Everyone was telling me she didnt have AS and she was just testing me and pushing me to the limit. Her Dad has always been much firmer than me and she would be better bahved for him so I was encouraged to use the same techniques, ie counting to 3, naughty step, taking things off her and making her earn them back, threats, bribes. When its written down it all sounds so awful

I think things have changed since we have realised it is AS although we are yet to have any help on how to handle it, NHS takes a long time and we are ust waiting for some help and advice now.

I apologize for interfering because I'm neither a parent nor a child, and I haven't read more than a couple pages of this thread. But there's something I'd like to say, please ignore it if irrelevant.

I'm 50, and every morning I'm late for work because I stay on the computer instead of going into the bathroom, showering and getting ready for work. And now I should be in bed to get up early for work tomorrow. I know I'm risking my job with this, and I know how easy it is for me, as an aspie, to get fired. Then why?

1. I'm depressed. So I don't have the motivation to get ready for work.
2. I suffer from claustrophobia. The shower, closed with the curtain, is hard for me. This can be a trait of some autistics.
3. I hate getting my face wet (my body too, but less) - this is a trait of autism.
4. I hate taking my clothes off - sensory issue, a trait of autism.
5. I'm afraid of going to work and saying something aspie-inappropriate, becoming jobless, destitute and have to blame it all on myself. This happens to me a lot in jobs.
6. I suffer from hyper-focus. A change of activity is very hard for me.

Does yelling at myself and issuing myself threats help? No. What helps is to iidentify the 6 reasons above, try to alleviate them as much as possible, and find some kind of compromise where I can't find alleviation.

1. I have a transparent shower curtain, for the claustrophobia
2. I take an anti-depressant
3. I'm overly service-oriented, I check on my customers even at night, on weekends, vacations and national holidays, to make sure everything's fine and no one needs something urgent from me, so my bosses don't make a fuss what time I come to work in the morning.
4. I shower every other day instead of every day
5. I have a collection of shower gels from a brand I love in Europe, in identical little bottles, lined up on the shower shelf. -- lining up things is a relaxation technique of aspies.

I so wish my mother had ASKED me what I hated about the prospect of interrupting what I was doing to take a shower, instead of yelling and threatening and accusing and labeling. There were many things my mother could've done to make the transition easier on me, and to teach me to cope with things that are hard for me. I had to discover ways of coping by doing very hard work alone, during several decades. To re-parent myself.

She could've asked: what are you looking forward to in the bath and what do you hate about going to the bath right now? or something like that, depending on the age I was.

Again, apologies if this is not relevant to the thread at this stage.

It must be awfully hard to be an NT mom to an aspie child, as you have to constantly ask them questions to learn from their inner experience, as it is so different from yours in many aspects. Like having a guest from another planet... But I think asking and learning and finding alleviating solutions can be the difference between a happy and a miserable aspie adult.

I'm a parent and I agree with you, Moondust. The thing is, you know yourself very well now and can articulate the reasons you do what you do. When kids are young, parents only get "I don't want to have a shower" and can't tell us why, and then the issue escalates and BOOM!

I'm finding that the trick to being a parent of an Aspie is to discern the problem from the symptom and find an alternative or compromise, eg "they won't get in the shower" is really "the feeling of sprinkling water is like needles" so instead of demanding they get in the @#$!&% shower, offer them a bath.

Thank you, kalor. I devote myself to cats and they can't explain to me why, either. So what I do is try different things till I see one work, even if just a tiny bit, then I develop that one. I also observe a lot, and that way I discover ideas that may work and try them.

Maybe toys to line up on a bath tray, or something as simple as a bath screen, can make the experience less difficult. I mean those flat, round things with a hole in the middle to wear on one's head so that the face remains dry while soaping and rinsing the hair. I know that if I have a new shower gel i like, the prospect of going into the shower is less hard for me.

Having a bath robe right by the shower so I can wrap myself in it within one second of finishing the shower alleviates too.

I had never realized till this thread how very many things I've developed through the decades to cope with water!

I personally don't take baths, because then I have to use the shower anyway to rinse off and wash my hair, so I never saw the point of doing both.

I have not read the pages of responses on here, so hopefully my thoughts are useful.

I also have a 6 year old aspie, so we are similar there!! My son can be very rule oriented, so he doesn't tend to always pitch a fit when he has to change activities, but it hasn't always been that way. I have been in the same position you are on more than one occasion for periods of time. We have ended up working through it and finding more peace in the house. Usually, it's because I'm consulting with his special ed teachers/therapists to help me come up with strategies. So, it's good that you have a therapist to work with. Their ideas don't ALWAYS work, but you'll find something.

All that being said, picture schedules help us a LOT when we are having a tough time with transitions. Also, timers... not just ME saying it's time, but an electronic timer that beeps... once that thing beeps, it's not YOU saying it's time to finish... it's the timer. You can't argue with that. I am ALWAYS amazed at how well it works with both of my children.... both of them struggle with transitions. I'll say to them, "I'm setting the timer for 5 minutes. When it goes off, you need to xxxx" It's not full proof, but it has really changed a lot of the dynamics around here. Also, if you find that doesn't work, you may need a visual timer. Our kids just don't process this stuff the same way other kids do... sometimes they need different cues than just our voices.

I have read a lot of the unconditional parenting stuff as well, and I have friends who successfully use those methods with their NT kids. I have YET to meet a person who uses those strategies with an aspie with any success.... My child needs me to be direct and concise about my expectations... he feels better when things are that way.

Good luck to you. It's always so hard to determine what is standard 6 yo stuff and what is related to being an aspie, too. Our parenting task is complicated.

Inthistogether wrote:
3. If he can read, charts work. "You must do all of your after dinner tasks before you can get on the internet." Both my 6 year old and 10 year old can follow this. I don't have to tell them anything. I just keep referring them back to the chart until everything is done.

Put a priority on this one. Get your son's focus off you and your telling him what to do. For some reason, Aspie kids really respect a written list or picture chart and don't like being told what to do. It took me forever to put a priority on this but it was what my son really needed. Now if I want to add to something he has to do some day, I just add it.There is a million ways to do it, and your therapists may have some ideas that may work with you and your son.

I the following checklists (I homeschool);
8:30 list -routine he must do every day before 8;30 or before school
school list -what I want him to for school that day. It's in a spiral notebook. I make the list each night
6:00 list -be home from play, set the table, wash for dinner...
8:00 list -bedtime routine

Yours will look entirely different. Put rewards and consequenses in place and have your spouse back you up.

I'm sorry I totally forgot how old or how functional your son is but this idea worked really well for me. I kinda developed a relationship, if you will, with his stuffed frog. Instead of going into my son's room in the morning, I'd yell in a silly voice, "I want my frog!" and he would run to me with his frog to play a bit. We would begin our day with this funny little routine. During the day, I would use the frog in different ways. He hates math so I would teach the frog instead of my son. At times, I would yell at the frog instead of yelling at my son. Yes, I still yell at him some times, but the frog has saved us from many a screaming match. See if you can pull off something like this.

This post has so much truth in it. They might have their reasons why they have an aversion to something, but may be unable to articulate it and understand why when they're younger.

And yes, my grandma understood that for some reason I always liked baths more than showers (it has to do with the sensation of water spraying in my face that I do not like). I think it was annoying that my nt mom was very very insistent on "it must be a shower!" I know some of us get chided on inflexibility but come on.

And I agree with the idea of picture lists/schedules. It's how I get anything done around here. If not then my brain drops whatever.