just when i think....

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Yeah, the thing is, you are NOT his parent and you never will be. There is no way I would have ever accepted the authority of a step-parent. Ever. Some people think with a lot of professional help and understanding, step-families can work. Personally I don't think they can unless you happen to have a child who is very social and very flexible. Even an average child would not do well in this situation, but for an asperger's child it's a disaster. I think you are both going to ruin each other's lives. It's so sad when parents think about their own sexual/emotional gratification before the emotional needs of their children.

You are wrong. Many kids come to love and respect their step parents because, simply, those step parents managed to fill a void that existed in their lives and, by their actions, EARNED love and respect. I've seen it with NT kids and with As kids. You seem to have missed the part where it was noted that living in this step family situation is probably the child's last chance for a family; it's not like she is "stealing" this child from his "rightful" place somewhere. Would you REALLY vote that an institution is better? I would not. As much as there are areas in this thread that we might disagree with the step mom on, she is working hard for this child. Ok, so she has things we think she still has to learn. But what makes you think she can't get there? No one could know that. We need to do the same thing that she is doing: not give up on the family, keep talking, keep moving forward.

MamatoGrace, I sometimes forget how much our families have gone through; what that point in time was like. Thank you for sharing so eloquently.

first of all, in what twisted world does anyone get sexual/emotional gratification from having to go through what we've been through? secondly, he doesn't have a choice but to accept that i am the authority figure in this family.

thank you for acknowledging that i am working hard at this. i am trying to make things work with him and yes, it's a difficult process. i have finally convinced Dad that he has to take a more active role with this child especially and got him to agree to spend some time alone with him everyday even though so far it has only been about 15-30 minutes a day but it's a start. it's hard getting him to try the new things i'm learning about because he refuses to do any research on his own or read up on AS at all. we have been arguing alot over it because he sees it as psychobabble and says you guys don't know what your talking about, you don't know Dom and can't possibly understand him. while i have been trying to be more patient and having him do more 'family time' as much as i can tolerate before i ask him to go play in his room again. i still can't figure out what his triggers are other than being told no. he has been showing a bit of improvement off and on. for example today we were watching a new movie and when i said 'we're supposed to be quiet so we can hear the movie' he shhushed his brother and sat quiet. mind you it was him that started his brothers going as usual but he did stop and try to correct it so that is an improvement. i am going to keep trying to work with him as i'm doing now because i want him to be able to stay here and be with his brothers. step-families are hard for everyone, not just the kids. i feel ripped off sometimes because he was such a surprise in the first place and then he comes here and has all these problems that get left up to me to deal with. so i have to be his authority figure because that is the role i play in my family and i don't think it would be very fair to say 'sorry, you are the step-child. i am not going to take the time to try and make sure you learn how to behave yourself.' doing that would be horrible for him because he'd grow up with either no discipline or having been sent to his room all the time and not being allowed to be a part of the family because that is what his dad thinks would be best for him and i'm not allowing it. the kids know i'm in charge and even dad has to listen to me. it's just how has to be.

i am sure he has AS but i'm also sure he has other problems on top of it. when i was first trying to find out what the problem was i thought he might have had reactive attachment disorder which i am not completely sure he doesn't have along with his other problems. the thing that led me to look into AS was the hand flapping, the not being able to talk more than a couple words at 2 1/2 and the constant rocking back and forth and spinning things. other diagnosis he has are odd because he argues with everything, even with himself and it seems like it doesn't matter how much he wants something he'll always say no first. then yes, i want then you give it to him and he says no. then you have to wait for him to finish arguing about it and so he can have it when you know he wanted it in the first place. i also have concerns about his mothers prenatal drug and alcohol use. he just underwent genetic testing to see if he has FAS or fragile x. he could also have inherited his birth mothers mental health issues of which there are a great many as far as i could tell. it all leads to one very difficult boy. and no, i don't live in the US and it's hard to get help here as well.

I know you know it, but you don't seem to know what it entails, so I will just explain it to you: this child had ASPERGER'S. He DOES have a choice , that's the big difference between NT and AS kids. In order for him to accept you as an authority figure, you have to prove to him you can be trusted and respected. I'm sorry if you don't uderstand that, but that's just how it is. He will not just be "scared into" respecting you, I'm not even sure he can be "scared into being scared" of you, that would never work with my son anyway, he's not scared of adults. And being scared doesn't lead him to obey anyway.
You think he doesn't have a choice, and he will accept it. What makes you think that?? He certainly has a mind of his own, he will decide for himself if he wants to accept it or not, I think YOU don't have a choice but to accept that this line of thinking is going to do more harm than good, for the both f you. You're going to drive yourself insane, you need to change your approach to parenting this kid if you don't want to end up beating him up. Stop escalating the situation and take the time to think and challenge yourself. If it's not working, it's not working. Try something else!

That's a hard situation to be in. You're indeed not just a mom or a step mom, you're a person who had expectations for her own life and how it was supposed to go. I understand how difficult this is ,believe me, and I'm not going to make you feel guilty for being disappointed, because sometimes I also feel it's just too much .
You just have to remember that you need to make it easier , not MORE difficult. Educating him is a must, he needs to learn what is appropriate and what isn't, but remember : don't expect him to just "get it and stop". It's patience and perseverance that you need, not strenght. You have to guide him, not push him. If you lowered your expectations and took things a little slower , you might see your and his stress levels go down, which could lead to better behaviour, more bonding, more time spent laughing together, which would lead to trust on his part and possibly obedience out of gratitude for being treated with respect, and an instinctive drive to please those they love that every kid has in him.

he actually doesn't have aspergers. he has pdd-nos. it's my other two kids that have aspergers. i have already changed my expectations of him. i don't expect him to 'get it' right away when i show or tell him something. who said i was scaring him into respect? or that i was going to beat him up? i'm not that kind of person. either way, he already knows i'm the authority figure and he has accepted it because as i said, there is no other option. he is not so blind to not see i am the one who runs the house, and the one who makes the decisions. he knows i am the one who is in charge of who gets what and what is allowed/not allowed. he knows i am the one to ask if he wants something and i am the one who is going to deal with him if he's not doing what he's supposed to, and no there is not 'beating him up' involved. i just keep directing him back to the task at hand and if he cries i tell him i know he doesn't want to do it but it needs to be done and eventually he gives in and does it. when i do this consistantly with the tasks he has to do he stops putting up a fuss over time and realizes that i'm right and he's going to have to do either way so he might as well do it without the crying and get it over with. he has a choice of doing it or going on time out and then doing it. i'm not going to let him just not do things because he is on the spectrum. his problem isn't going to an excuse he uses to get out of doing things he doesn't want to do. i will make accomidations and guide him through the tasks but i won't let him opt out of doing it based on 'i have autism and i don't feel like it'.
he doesn't have the option to change who is in charge. that doesn't mean i expect him or any of the other kids to be perfect. we made a rules poster now which he helped make, he knows what is expected of him and i am being more consistant with 'discipline' when it's needed. i have gone over the rules with him as needed to remind him and keep them fresh in his mind until he remembers them automatically. i have also been talking with him when he is in a good mood to reinforce what we are teaching him and have even tried doing roll-playing with his toys to try and get the point across with a new behaviour he's having where he's been exposing his private area to people and laughing. i get that he's not going to learn things right away. he never has. heck he was almost four when he finally caught on to the fact that when i tell him something is dangerous he might get hurt from it. it took 2 years and alot of accidents to drill that into his head. right now we are working on the stealing thing and on getting him some father/son time everyday. my relationship with him can get quite rocky but it's really his dad at this point that needs to build on their relationship as they pretty much don't have much of one so far.
if people have a problem with a step-parent being his authority figure that's too bad. his 'real' mother has nothing to do with him and hasn't even bothered to check on how he's doing since he three and that was the only one time she ever checked in on him. she has our number and knows she can call if she wants and i would even let her talk to him as long as she just calls herself by her first name because she hasn't been involved and it would be confusing for him to know it's his mom. i have added her to my 'friends' on facebook and to my messanger so i know she can reach me if she choses to. she is certainly not an acceptable authority figure. dad does his own thing for the most part and doesn't deal with things well so he's not a very good authority figure either. he doesn't know how to deal with the kids and he does it in ways that are mean or waits too long then tries to deal with it when it's already been done and over with for an hour or two. he also thinks that Dom should be punished for things that he isn't doing on purpose, like talking loud or making weird noises. he blames the other kids problems on him as well. yeah the other kids may be modeling his behaviour or be instigated by him but they also have to be responsible for themselves. i am the one who is here and deals with it. therefore i am the authority figure. just like at school when the teacher is in charge. it's not an option, it's how things are. he can't just say 'oh, i don't accept that the teacher is in charge of the class.' that won't change anything.


anyways...... he has told me this week that he is sad because he misses his 'nana' and 'papa'. these were his foster parents for about a year and they told him they were his grandparents. i have tried to explain to him that they aren't his grandparents he doesn't beleive me because they said they were. he says he gets angry cause he doesn't see them anymore and that's part of why he acts out. i'm not sure what i'm supposed to do about that. i could get in contact with 'papa'. 'nana' passed away a couple years ago(Dom knows about this and it has been explained to him several times and he is free to discuss it with me which he has) and 'papa' stopped calling or sending mail at that point. we had been letting him stay in contact with them after he first came here to try and make the transition easier but last time i let him go to their house they brought him back and said he was really naughty while he was there and papa doesn't seem to interested in seeing him anymore. he was also extremely hard to handle when he got back and wouldn't let us near him, wouldn't talk to us or anything. it took him about a week to get back to 'normal' as it is for him so i'm not sure if it would be better to just leave that door closed to prevent aditional problems.

Ugggg. I totally feel your dilemma with the foster parent thing. This sounds very much like my son. My son has a very long memory and will out of the blue ask to go visit someone that we haven't seen since he was 3. He also seems to just omit bad experiences from his memory. There have been several friendships, relationships, or social situations that I have ended or purposefully drifted away from because it was a bad situation for my son. Sometimes people just don't understand his situation, or they were down right mean to him.

As a parent, it's so hard. I can't sit back and let someone treat my kid like crap, even if he doesn't understand that he's being treated like crap. Or there have been times where I just had to make the choice that these are not people I want my child around... even if they don't really treat him poorly. Every parent goes through that. The problem with kids like ours is that they don't get it. My son's favorite come back for EVERYTHING is "I don't mind."

The second problem is that my son has NO filter. I try so hard to never be dishonest with him, but I can't say, "You can't go to X's house because his dad makes very bad choices and I don't want you in that environment," because someday after school when X's dad tells my son he should come over sometime, my son will say, "I can't you make bad choices and my mom says it's a bad environment." Yay, honesty... but awkward. Plus, it doesn't make the other kid feel too great.

The other sad truth, is you never want to tell your kid that someone doesn't want them around. I still have not figured out this one yet. As I said, I hate being dishonest... but I also hate hurting my child... usually, I use avoidance... I know that's wussy, but.......................... *shrug*
"Ohhhh, we can't do that because I thought we'd go to the park"
or, "Ohhhh, their phone number was in my old phone, I don't have it anymore.."
or, 'I was thinking maybe we could invite one of your friends over for the afternoon to play."

I know it's a cop out, taking the easy road..... but .................. it works?

MissyKrissy, it sounds as though you have some experience with Asperger's but are treating PDD NOS as something else entirely? His struggles are going to be unique because he is a unique individual but he is still struggling with the aspects of the Autism spectrum. Perhaps your other ASD children do ok with your form of discipline, but some children cannot adapt nor deal with a "do it or else" approach. Not only can they not deal with that approach, but the harder you push, the more maladjusted they become. Yes, you may see compliance initially, but the underlying pathology of his minds reaction to your methods may not be apparent until later.

Autism is not an "excuse" as you say, yes that's true, but it is an EXPLANATION. An explanation of why things are more difficult at times and that submission is not always possible in the moment. His defiance might not be simply a boy rebelling against the rules, but something far more ingrained into his way of thinking. Because of this, it is imperative to think "outside the box" of traditional disciplinary strategies to address his behaviors.

There is a very good book called "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene I would recommend to you. It describes why these traditional methods don't work and can even backfire in these children. Your local library would probably have a copy.

I usually take the blame , saying "his mummy doesn't want to be my friend anymore"....Or I use yours. I do try not to tell him everything also, because indeed, when your kid just tells everything to anyone just to have a subject of conversation, it can go very wrong....

*sigh* Thank you for understanding that.

I know this is totally off subject, but my best friend thinks it's totally appalling that my son is 9 1/2 and does not know the sex part of how babies are made. Don't get me wrong. He knows where babies come from. I have explained the female reproductive system, which when drawn he was like, "Ewwww, it looks like an alien." He knows that sperm have to fertilize the egg, and that men make sperm. He just hasn't asked how that part happens. I have always let him lead "The Talk". I answer his questions, probably bore him with too much of the science talk, but I haven't made that leap. When he learned the word "vagina", he whipped it out EVERYWHERE! The grocery store, the park, when the LDS missionaries knocked on my door. Yeah, I'm not eager for him to broadcast that A goes in B and the whole ritual. I'm sure other parents don't want their children to hear about it from MY child. My friend has no understanding of this. She just says that behavior is natural in all kids... Well, maybe.... but you can't tell my kid that it isn't polite to tell everyone.. Well, you can. But it won't do any good.

PLUS, my son still believes in Santa and the Tooth Fairy. I have a hard time introducing him to sex when he's still obviously in that naive mentality.

Sorry, again. I know that was off topic. But it's so nice to hear someone who understands the "no filter" syndrome!

I will never forget the time when we were test-driving a car, and my son (he was about eight?) mortified the saleswoman by telling her his mom's "baby-making parts don't work anymore." Sigh.

LOL.... My son has had to be re-told several times certain facts.... So at about 7, I had to re-explain that boys have a penis, girls have a vagina....

For about 2 weeks, I swear to god... He told everyone he met, "Guess what!! !! My mom DOESN'T HAVE A PENIS!! !!"

.............................talk about awkward.... but, at least he got his facts straight.

I'm sitting here at 6am laughing to myself at reading the latest posts on this thread.
My 12 year old (11 at the time) told another boy in his class, "my mum doesn't like you she thinks your a rapist or something". I had no idea he'd said this until weeks after it had been said, all because J had told me that L had done something involving his crotch area. I told J that L was inappropriate and I didn't want him being involved in those kinds of activities.
When J told me what he'd said to L, I was mortified. I corrected him and explained that I didn't think he was a rapist, I just didn't like what he'd done, J's response "Oh ok, hey L my mum doesn't think your a rapist any more" all this yelled across the school yard. Where the heck he got all that from any way I still don't know. Every thing I say to J has to be well thought threw because he will (not may) repeat back my words or his interpretation of them.

Oh no! The number of ways kids have to mortify us is amazing!