Parents on the spectrum

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Well hes back home we still havent realy talked much on what happend but its calmer now that were starting plants for the spring.

I need advice (has to do with my son). I would appreciate a fellow parent on the spectrum's help via PM? It's nothing weird, just that it's worrying me quite a bit. Several of you seem quite wise about parenting and I am really stuck with this issue.

I think momsparky's approach is really good, but I'll add that it helps to remind yourself that kids are supposed to be creating a separate identity away from their parents, so disliking the way mom or dad do things is like an instinctive part of the process. It does not make their assessment accurate, it just makes them normal kids trying to figure things out for themselves.

And ... Most of the time they don't even really mean what they say. They may be trying to let go of frustration or anger but simply not have the tools for doing that appropriately, or the opportunity to attack what they really want to attack, so they vent against someone they know will always love them anyway: a parent.

Depending on the age of the kids, once you've established it isn't miscommunication, you can meet it with a joke (ok, when you order that new mommy, what will she look like?), or a firm instruction (what you have said hurts me, and I will not allow it).

Remind yourself over and over that these statements are NOT to be taken to heart and do not define who you are. Even when they are true, guess what? No one gets a perfect parent, and we are allowed to make mistakes. We are going to burn dinner, pull hair when brushing (no matter how hard we try not to), forget seat belts, miss appointments, make embarrassing fashion choices and more. We're human, not robots, and sometimes it doesn't hurt to point that out to kids, either. It's not like they can go to the supermarket and pick out a perfect parent - every last one of us have our flaws, even the ones your kids think know it all so much better.

I know none of that is easy. My husband (pretty firmly AS) has a more difficult time with it than I do, and I have been able to point that out to the kids, and I've seen that they hold back with him, they tend to save their negative stuff for me. I think it is important to be honest with kids about our own flaws, and what we need from them, so that they can at least understand why it could be important to meet us half way, and might actually choose to make that effort.

Remember to express your needs using "I" and not "you" ie "I can't handle it when you say things like that" as v "you say such mean things."

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 25 Mar 2012, 11:16 am, edited 2 times in total.

I don't know if I'm on the spectrum or not, to be honest. I just peek in this thread sometimes because I want to make sure participants are getting a response from someone, it can move pretty slowly in here, I've noticed.

Ditto what she said. I think maybe if you posted a bit more general info about what you need, it might help those of us who would weigh in. I thought about responding via PM, but am not confident enough about my place on the spectrum to be sure I might be helpful.

If you look over the board, there are all kinds of semiprivate issues explored here: puberty, older kids with toileting issues, parents dealing with anger etc. I think we can be a pretty understanding group in the big picture if you're willing to filter out all the kneejerk responses.

o.k., thanks, I'll try. I don't trust in my ability to describe things properly.
I have gradually been disconnecting from my daughter which is appropriate as she is independent now and doing fine. The problem is I'm overwhelmed by parenting son, 11, who has stuttering. He hated school so I pulled him out. I am or was homeschooling but he gets really mad at me. I'm not good enough at communicating with him now that he is pre teen. He's bright, and picks up most any subject enthusiastically most of the time. It's the practice and work and communication where the anger/authority challenges break down our ability to do school. We will be moving soon and I'll put him in regular school at the new place. I am an artist who needs peace and I was going to move way out into the boonies, but changed my mind for his sake. I'm concerned that my patience and tendency to have huge problems with NT people at schools is going to be a disaster for him. I am fairly smart and I tested gifted, but clashed horribly with authority figures. I have absolutely no patience with KIA people telling me the dreaded "should" word. However, I know that his welfare is paramount and how to reconcile this with me avoiding situations and people that cause me to withdraw or worse, meltdown is where I'm stuck. I have no family support, and do not want them to tell me anything anyway, as we are diametrically opposed in all ways and not on good terms. I care about my son enough to post this despite possible criticism.
Please only parents respond.

I completely understand; I struggle with this sort of thing at school, too. So sorry you're having a hard time.

The first thing I would suggest is find the local autism society wherever you're moving and have them help you find an advocate. Work with the advocate as much ahead of time as you can so that you can be sure they speak for you, and then have THEM do the talking at your meetings with the school. I don't know where you are, but sometimes this is covered financially either by insurance or by state support, make sure you make money stuff a priority as you research.

With the anger stuff, I tried this technique recently and it really, really helped us have a calm conversation over a possibly incendiary issue: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt193353.html

I think most of us face challenges trying to be the parents we think our children deserve, and my challenges are mostly different from yours, but one thing remains: the desire to figure it out well enough to feel I've done good enough for my child. I think most of us here have learned to let go of the perfect world scenarios and focus on good enough.

You know your own limitations and that is a great place to start. One can't work around what one doesn't see, but you can work around what you do see. That is something all of us learn to do. It sounds like communication is a big one for you, and my instinct is to suggest that what you need is one person who you can communicate effectively with, who is willing and able to translate, so to speak, in the difficult and stressful situations that arise when you have to advocate for your child with schools and third parties; who can successfully communicate with them on your behalf. How to find that ... More difficult. But remember: all you need is one person.

The other thing to remember is that your needs matter, and no one can be the best parent they are capable of being if their own needs languish too far. Stay mindful of that balance; it is fantastic that we all learn to rise beyond some of our challenges so that we can give our kids what they need, but we also have to make sure that our figurative wells don't run dry. It isn't selfish, it is necessary.

I wish I could offer more but hopefully others will, either here or in pm.

I hope things go well. Hang in there, be patient, keep trying.

Thank you for understanding. and for the link ^ - it sounds like exactly the sort of thing that he'd be able to respond to, as he is really into computers and the stuttering gets worse when he's mad. I'll try it.
I don't know, yet, if there's any advocate available, but that would really take the pressure & worry for "future" anxiety off of me.

DW_a_mom, thank you too. I will look for "springs". And maybe once past the stressful parts of moving, I'll probably feel a weight off my shoulders. Someone on WP did say there is a group in Missoula, so I'll try to find them. (the nearest city)
:)

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Sometimes, when you get older, you realize that the assets of autism are worth the struggles. We need this genotype. Besides, it's very possible to do better for our kids than our parents did for us.

Why on Earth do we "need this genotype" that causes the people who have it suffering through life?! just so we can have computer programmers? I don't find any of the "assets" make my life any better. Again, how could you put a child through autism, knowing you or your spouse have it just to have kids like everyone else?

BobinPgh, I am sorry you're in a place where you can't see outside the suffering.

Not every person on the autism spectrum perceives things the way you do. Many of us have come to terms with our differences and found ways to manage the disabling aspects of them, and we have enough hope to have children. Be careful what you're suggesting: just because we have autism in common does not mean we are all computer programmers, or are all miserable, or are all anything; we are a wildly diverse set of people who share a few characteristics that are not even our defining characteristics.

Momsparky,
The part that I disagree with is how could a parent knowingly bring someone with Aspergers/autism into a world that does not accept it, knowing that they will suffer. It is just like how can a parent bring in to the world someone with Hodgkins disease (they will die in their 40s). Now that I am diagnosed, it helps explain what happened to me but I would not want it to happen to anyone else. And I wish it had NOT happened to me. Any "gifts" are outweighted by the hell that is the oversensitivity, the high unemployment, the bad things that happen in most schools, and the fact that a lot people hate us (I have run into some). Also, actually, I don't think anyone should have kids anymore as there are already 7 billion of us and the crowding makes everything worse. How do parents having kids on purpose explain all that?