I dont like the mother my son requires me to be

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Here are my thoughts.... (from someone who probably yells too much)

Do lots of explaining when you aren't in the moment of the situation where he isn't having a problem transitioning. The yelling and threats are pretty pointless. You can maybe give a calm reminder of what will happen, but then follow through on the behavior plan, and have a plan ahead of time of what you will do. Make sure he knows exactly that that plan is and the consequences. I'd even work it out with him and have him agree on it. Then just follow through. I like the idea of having a timer. For example, tell him he needs to do X in 5 minutes (timer is on), and once the timer goes off he needs stop what he is doing. Give him one minute and then he gets the consequences. You could physically take it away (probably not best) or simply ban him from the device for 1 or more days. There shouldn't be yelling, and if he has a meltdown, don't participate by arguing. Just restate the consequences and expectations. Now he could very well choose to go without the ipad for a few days because he doesn't want a shower/bath, but he receives consequences and should probably have that right. Also, expectations need to be achievable. If a child is alway getting punished and never receives rewards, then the behavior system is not working and the standards are probably unreasonable.

A lot of these kids have sensory integration issues. With my son yelling raises his level of agitation (worked up), and his ability to manage situations and stimulation goes way down. Yelling at him to put on his shoes and socks only results in the texture of the socks being more unbearable/painful. Also, he might attribute the yelling to something else. He could conclude that mom yells because she doesn't like him, or he could internalize it and have his self esteem go down.

It's amazing the things we aspies sometimes don't understand.

As a child I had an allergy so I sneezed a lot in the mornings and we didn't have tissue paper back then (yes, I'm that old). Both my parents would yell at me, several times each time I sneezed, for years, to "fold the handkerchief".

I was in my late forties when one day it suddenly dawned on me what they wanted: they wanted me to fold the handkerchief in four after sneezing into it instead of rolling it up in a ball. I remember myself throughout my childhood desperately trying to fulfill their request so they'd stop yelling, and yet having absolutely no hunch what they meant. This went on till I was about 10, so it's not a toddler's lack of understanding.

I never asked them what they meant because, if they yelled so much and were so angry, I figured, it was something I should've long known what it meant, and they'd be all the more furious if I said I didn't understand.

I just want to say to the original poster that, yes, I often feel as you do.

I'm lucky in that my son, who is now 16, is a fairly easy and compliant child. But there are certain situations where I just don't understand why he does certain things, and I REALLY don't understand why he doesn't do other stuff that he NEEDS to do, and he KNOWS that he needs to do it. He just doesn't do certain things, and he can't give me an explanation as to why.

I've come to the realization that he probably doesn't know any better than I do why he doesn't do certain things. He WANTS to be compliant, he WANTS to do a good job, and he WANTS to get good grades. He knows all of the things that he has to do in order to achieve at school -- but he just cannot get them done a good chunk of the time.

I can say that when his ADD meds are working, he is much easier to deal with and there is a lot less yelling. When the ADD meds are NOT working, as they are not currently, oh my gosh, there is all sorts of yelling and crying and sadness.

I know that there are people reading these posts that were the asperger's child at one time, and I know that you guys were on the receiving end of all of the yelling. I know that sometimes parents were unfair and unkind. But the OP and I are probably talking about isolated incidences that happen inbetween the times we are telling our children "Good job!" and "I love you" and "you're the best kid ever!" We don't yell ALL THE TIME, but there are times we get frustrated with things, just like the children we are rearing get frustrated with things. We don't have all the answers either. We are just as confused and befuddled as kids with aspergers are. We are just blindly trying to be the best parents we can be, and sometimes there are no answers for the problems we are having.

It must also be very hard to discern when the child is being a "spoilt brat" and when it's an impairment... Aspies are not exempt from behaving like the former, I guess. And putting on socks and shoes timely doesn't sound like an area where we aspies are impaired in...

A totally different thing is to call a child "evil" for not looking in the eye, refusing water on their face, not answering when their name is called - a few examples of my "heavenly" childhood.

Yes, it is difficult. And what makes it even harder (for me) is that what is "spoiled brat behavior" on one day may very well be impairment on another. So many things impact what my kids can and cannot compensate for and deal with.

And I do think my daughter is starting to play me now with her selective mutism. She is becoming "mute" much more frequently and it seems to be conveniently happening when she wants to avoid a task. Before it used to happen when she was overwhelmed or overstimulated. Now a request to get her pajamas on can result in "mutism." I know she is playing me, but a small part of me is fearful of hurting her by calling her on it if she is not.

<Sigh> Yes. It can be much harder than it looks from the outside.

I imagine that is true on both ends.

But if something is not a trait of autism, then you can be sure it is behaving like a spoilt brat?

It seems like you need to have a disability for a behavior to be understood. What about people out there that have traits of autism or ADD or other things but they don't have enough for a diagnoses because they only have very little. They are seen as brats or seen as jerks or seen as dumb, or they just expect them to be like them, and whatever because they don't have a leg to stand on.

I remember a parent asking at Babycenter why do you need to have autism to accidentally say inappropriate things? She does have a point because if you don't have autism and you make that error, people don't excuse it and they treat you like a jerk for it. But if you have autism and you did that, people brush it off and let it go knowing you didn't mean it. What about people out there who have that trait but they don't have enough traits to be autistic? They are also misunderstood like we are when we say the wrong things. At least that parent sounded to be more open minded and understanding and you wouldn't need to have a disability or a label for her to understand you.

Moondust, were you kidding with the shoes and socks? My son has some serious sensory issues, and hates the feel of almost all socks. Definitely a sensory issue for him. Fine motor issues and transition problems also come into play.

But it is really challenging to figure out when they are being a spoiled brat and when they are truly struggling with something.

I would argue that the difference between them being spoiled and it being something else is whether it is helping or hurting in their ability to get rewards or have fun. For example, I took him to the bounce house play area this evening which requires him to wear socks, and he had the usual frustration with the socks even though we were headed to one of his favorite places. Also, he loves the beach itself, but doesn't like going because he can't deal with the sand on his feet as we go to and from the beach itself. A lot of the meltdowns result in him having to leave a fun activity and head home. So if meltdowns result in rewards, there's a good chance they are being a brat, but if the end result is commonly that they are losing out on a lot of fun, then it's probably true frustration/anxiety.

Also, he needs a certain amount of downtime, but how much does he need? My impression was that his overall behavior improved when I had to give him more free time, and put fewer demands on him.

Ooo that wouldn't have worked with me because I would be trying very hard to be normal and succeed because I tried so hard due to wanting the reward so bad. So my mother could threaten me with anything and I would have listened and stopped because I wouldn't want that punishment. But now with the aspie label I got at age 12, it just made my life easier. Plus mom would slap me over sensory issues and I would stop squirming and complaining because the slapped hurt more than what I was going through so I dealt with it or else I get hit again. Well that stopped when I reached my pre teens when mom knew what was going on. I guess it's a strength I've always had lot of people lack.

Plus when I meltdown, I can usually calm down right after like the time I signed up for sewing class, I needed help with something but I needed the teacher to follow me through with it, not have her tell me how to do it. But she was unable to help me in a way I needed it because she had other students who also needed help and the other teacher couldn't help me either due to other students also. There were only four class and this was my second one, the class was three hours long and I was worried I would not be able to finish my pillow case by the time we move on to the next one. So my anxiety grew and grew and it resulted a meltdown. The teachers wouldn't help me until I calmed down. Lot of people have the concept that I can calm down before I get what I need but I don't work that way. Only way I can calm down is if I get what I need. So I was unable to calm down even though I tried but the teachers could still tell I was not calm no matter how I was trying to hide the meltdown and anxiety. Then when another student came to my rescue by helping me, I calmed down so the meltdown stopped but inside me I was still recovering. I am sure to the outside world I was being a brat and having a fit and I calmed down right after I got what I wanted. But I am sure my face and eyes showed the whole episode was genuine, not me faking it despite how happy and normal I was acting again. But I got kicked out and the reason for it was because I needed help than they could give me so it was not the right class for me. My money got refunded for the class.

I've read my posts in this thread, including a deleted post that was highlighted and the responses seem very irrational. The next time I see a thread of this nature, I'm going to give myself 24 hours before I respond to it.

Dang I missed the drama again.