requiring friends to be over in order to play video games

Post Reply New Topic

Oddly enough, I was talking with my older son (married, would have possibly been on the spectrum) about my younger son and his tendency to play video games too much. My older son often thinks he knows exactly what to do about things, and his kneejerk response to the video game issue is to take the games away COMPLETELY. I don't like that idea, mostly because the video games are something that my son can play with friends when they come over. It's normal for 13 year old boys to play video games.

BUT, having said this, I have a very good friend with a 19 year old son who has dropped out of college (and he was very bright), who often stays up most of the night playing World of Warcraft until the wee hours, and then cannot get up in the morning to go to work, attend church, etc. He does not socialize, does not date -- and this is an NT kid who has had a girlfriend, who is goodlooking, who can socialize just fine -- he is the quintessential kid who has EVERYTHING going for him, but cannot function because he is so addicted to World of Warcraft.

So, knowing the above situation with this 19 year old young man and how worried I am that my 13 year old might get interested in that, I am really trying to get him interested in any other number of things that he HAS interest in, but forgets to do because video games are easier and more accessible. My older son came to the bright conclusion that we should allow him to play video games, but only when he invites a friend to come over to play. This way, he gets his video game fix, but it's also within a socializing context (something that my son enjoys -- this wouldn't be painful for him). I thought this was a good idea, and I'm curious what others think about this possible solution.

I understand an appreciate the intentions behind the idea, but i think it's a horrible idea because at the end of the day it's just forced socialising.

Just because people can make themselves look perfect and con people into thinking they have everything going for them, i can assure you this isn't true. I'd suggest he more than likely has serious issues and world of warcraft is a outlet for him, world of warcraft isn't addicting in itself and world of warcraft does not ruin people's lives.

I think it would be better to give your son limited time on the computer, wether this is a certain amount of time per day, or sayinging certain days are computer free is upto you.

I agree about the FORCED socializing concept -- I even asked my older son "Well, this could work as long as I am around, but what happens when he goes to college and video games are plentiful and overwhelmingly easy to access? I really want HIM to learn how to self-regulate his video game playing -- not me."

I think the limited time concept is a good one. Thanks.

Also, bear in mind that games like WoW are open ended, while typical console games like Street Fighter have a definite end game. And on a game like street Fighter, there's a pause button that allows you to walk away, while WoW never stops. An engrossing, never ending, never pausing game that rewards you for unceasing diligence is certainly a recipe for disaster, but more traditional games are far less likely to have the same effect. If your son doesn't play WoW or other MMO's (Massive Multiplayer Online games) now, he's less likely to miss them if you ban them from being played. That, and a reasonable time limit on other games, should make everything OK.

Actual addictions to video games are pretty rare, you may as well ban all alcohol because of the addiction risk to that. I think the real trick to avoiding video game addiction is to make sure your kids have a for-filled life offline.

I agree with this. Different types of games will be responded to in different ways. Games like WoW seem to be particularly engrossing, and can have a negative impact on certain people, but I wouldn't vilify all games. Set limits, pay attention to which games he's choosing and make sure he is cultivating other interests/skills as well, and it will be fine.

I personally like gaming...RTS games and open ended "sand box" games, and my sons love any and all Star Wars related games. Right now they are allowed between 1-2 hours of gaming a day, depending on how much free time we have. Occasionally we have a "pajama day" when we do little else than play video games all day. Those days are awesome. But we watch almost no TV, and have other non-computer/console related interests too, so I feel like we have a happy balance.

Playing games only with friends, would not work for us. Gaming is our quiet, unwinding time, impossible to do when it is social time too. But if it works for your son, sure, why not. I would not take his games away completely. They are part of his peer culture. It would be highly unusual for a 13 year old boy not to play video games, and he may feel left out and isolated. Plus, I just don't think gaming is a bad thing...certainly no worse than TV, less passive, can be creative, educational and even social. They just require balance, like all things in life.

I can't imagine being forced to socialize in real life during my computer time, and I'm more NT than not. While the others have been eloquent in stating it, I will agree with them, I do not think the proposal is a good idea.

But the funny thing, as thoughts run through my head in response to your question, is that both my kids (AS son, 12 and NT daughter, 8 ) DO tend to play their computer games while socializing in real time. They like to take over the two separate computers in our living room and talk each other through worlds like club penguin. And my son has been known to play with one of his friends, coordinating moves in a constant phone conversation.

I think you can suggest things like that, playing the way my kids like do, but I wouldn't require it. And quietly steer him away from the most addictive games, that have no ends, as the experienced gamers have noted, above.

A general time limit to play is also wise. Coming to think of it, someone should give me one.

I don't think it's so much forced socializing with my son -- he wants to socialize, he just forgets to do it. He gets focused on the game, and forgets that he also wanted to call a friend. If we decided to go this route, I would basically be saying "call the friend first, THEN play the game."

As far as the more addictive games, I've read story after story about these games and THEY ARE ADDICTIVE. They honestly have the potential to ruin lives. Now, it also depends upon who is playing -- there are people who can play the slots for an hour in Reno, NV and NEVER get addicted to gambling. But there are others who couldn't even walk in a casino without losing all of their money. I know that I would totally enjoy these World of Warcraft games -- and that I would let all responsibility slide by the wayside while I wasted multiple hours playing them -- so I don't dare play them at all. I also know that my son would do the same, so we've banned them totally. He has enough regular video games to play, and they are addictive enough without the added benefit of playing for hours with people all over the world.

My hope was to get my son to self-regulate. Amazingly enough, he's been doing so today. He's been going on errands with his sister and me, he's been watching tv with us, he's been ripsticking, etc. Now, I know this won't last forever, but at least we've been able to get him to THINK before he just automatically starts playing.

We had to forbid all computer use at all. When my X-husband had primary physical custody of my oldest boy he left him at home alone all the time. He would be on the computer completely unsupervised, or else playing console games for hours. When we (my current husband and I) got custody we tried to allow some online time (we do not own a tv or consoles) but it caused him to be so antisocial. When ever it was time to get off of the computer he would have actual tantrums, call me names, threaten to hurt himself and others.

It is a pain because the internet can offer so many research and study options.

As far as video games go, World of Warcraft is pretty darn social. Too social sometimes, especially in trade chat in the cities.

Behaving yourself appropriately is an important part of advancing in the game. If you are not reasonably polite or if you fail to follow social norms, you will get a bad reputation and you will have a difficult time finding people to group with you and it is almost impossible to advance and get the gear and achievements you want without group combat. The group combat involves specific roles like a sport team, for instance, would. And you have to learn the role your position requires.

Hope this is not too off-topic. Just wanted to add a little additional data to the discussion. Would add more to tie it in, but have to run to the store.

That was part of our problem as well, he could not follow the rules. He gave out personal information, he asked random female characters to be his girlfriend, he begged for buffs and items. So our experiment with Everquest was "Epic Fail". The husband and I play, and there are times when we think it would be nice bonding, but so far it just seems that he (our son) is not ready.

Oh no!

FWIW NT kids do that stuff, too, so it probably is a maturity thing. My guys don't do that (AFAIK) but my younger son just sort of roams around and would spend most of his time flying around if he had a character that was high enough level to fly or if I would let him use mine. I got sick of the high repairs and stopped letting him.

I think our whole family could probably be called anti-social, but overall everyone functions well enough to get by at work or school, so once homework and other responsibilities are attended to, free time is down time. Around here that usually involves solitary pursuits (reading, drawing), TV, or multi-player gaming.

We do a lot of reading around here as well. We let him try Everquest at nine, and he is almost twelve now. I would not say that we were overly social creatures either. By Anti-Social I did not mean, not wanting to socialize, I mean angry lashing out or not even acknowledging that someone was speaking to him.

We tried telling him a head of time that he had just a certain amount of time, we tried timers, we tried grounding him from it if he didn't comply, we tried offering it as a bribe... The only thing that seems to work for us is just not allowing it at all. Which is rather irritating because we are a very computer centric household. We watch the few tv shows we like on hulu even!

Mine liked playing a character that could use illusions and also throwing himself off of elevators so that his character died. I completely understand how watching them play can be maddening at times. He did that sort of thing in a lot of games he played. He never really progressed in them, he would just wander aimlessly.

Hello

First off, I would say that I am against trying to limit your son's access to computer games or console games under the false notion that they are somehow 'bad' or 'brain rotting'. Video games are a great way to unwind, relax, and also stimulate your mind. I dont know if you have read other posts about this, but I am a firm proponent of the many benefits of video gaming. To put it simply, there is nothing I know of that encourages critical thinking, problem solving, planning, and patience like a good video game. It certainly prepares you for the modern world a lot more then running around chasing a ball, or other socially acceptable activities.

I know that I spent the majority of my youth inside playing games, including those 'addicting' MMORPGs for several hours each day, and sometimes into the early morning hours. And I also know that is what kept me from having severe problems. Being stuck in a normal world with other people is stressful enough. Getting the chance to relax and have fun with a good video game was a great aid in keeping my stress low. They also offered me a chance to socialize with other people in a calm, controllable way. Online video games were the only place I had friends for about 7 years of my life, to take that away wouldnt have been a good thing.

However, that being said, there is 2 important things you must work on: Priorities, and appropriate games.

Priorities are by far the most IMPORTANT thing you need to work on, not only as an aspie, but anybody. Priorities are what make you get out of bed even when you dont want to because you know you have to be at school/work on time. Priorities are what make you do your homework, even when you would rather be playing video games. Priorities are what allow people to function effectively in life. What you need to teach your son is not to limit his gaming time. What you need to teach him is that he must think ahead, plan his future, and then prioritize things in a way which make that future possible.

For example: He wants to get a job which requires a college education, therefore he must go to college, therefore he must get good enough grades, therefore he must do his best to learn the required subjects. Meaning he has to get up, go to school, and do things which enable him to learn. These things are high priorities. Lower priorities are having fun now, as in playing video games. There is nothing wrong with video games, they are great IMO. He just needs to know that they are not the most important thing, and as such he will need to stop playing them and do other more important things when the time comes.

Allow me to give an example. I started playing a game in my freshman year of college called Final Fantasy 11. It is basically like WoW or Everquest, but more difficult. I spent an average of 4, maybe 5 hours per day (more on weekends) on this game for years. And I have been playing this game for 4 and a half years now. When I was in my senior year, I got a bit tired of the game, and so now I only log on once a week or so to just go have fun with friends, but I still play it. Looking at my character information, it says that I have been logged on to the server for a grand total of 5734 hours. And yes, that is a LOT of time spent playing a game. But also I should point out something else. I graduated from that college with a degree in mechanical engineering, and a 3.7 GPA. I also had 2 internships, and I am now gainfully employed. So how did I manage to game so much, yet still get good results? Simple: I prioritized and scheduled my time in order to get the important things done. I did play alot of games online, but I also set aside time to do my homework. And when I had additional tasks to do like study for an exam, I did that instead of playing on the computer. Every semester I would take the week of exams, and the week before off gaming, and focus more on my studies.

Conversely, lets look at another student I know. He is extremely neurotypical. He also played video games, but he never bothered to do his homework. He never studied for tests, he never prioritized things in his life. As such, he failed out his freshmen year, and now works part time at a movie theater, and barely manages to pay his half of the rent. The conclusion is simple. Video games are not bad for you. What is bad for you is failing to set priorities and stick with them. If you fail to stick to your priorities, then you will find something that will take up all your time and destroy your future. It might be video games, it might be sports, it might be internet addiction, it might be an addiction to reading books, it might be any number of things. But it isnt the fault of the games/sports/books/internet, it is the fault of the person for not setting priorities.

The second thing you might want to look at is choosing appropriate games. And I dont mean getting non bloody PG rated games for younger children, I mean getting games that suit what the child is interested in and capable of. For example, MMORPGs require a great deal of foresight and planning. Completing a mission set in my game (Final Fantasy 11) can literally take you almost a year to complete. Choosing equipment requires a lot of research, and statistical analysis. Working in groups requires a good deal of maturity, and patience. Now when I started playing the game at 18, that was fine with me. But I highly doubt that a 12 year old would have the patience, and maturity to play a MMORPG like FF11. You need to pick a game that is around the child's level of ability and maturity, and then you'll get much better results.

For younger gamers, usually age 8 or lower. You will want to stick to simple games with clear objectives. Games like Mario are prime examples of this. I am referring to the original Mario that I played on my game boy. Basically, you start on one side of the map, and try to make it to the other side of the map. There are challenges along the way, and little traps to avoid, but by and large there isnt a lot of highly complex things involved. Some games I played at this age that would fit the category are: Donkey Kong adventures, Mario, and crash bandicoot.

As the gamer gets older, you can get him more complex games which have a larger scope and require a bit more problem solving. Now I dont want to make it seem as though there is an official age for this sort of game. You dont need to be 8 in order to play it, your child may be ready earlier, or later. In any case, if your child tries the game, and gets too confused and can't figure anything out, then just put it away till later. Games like these are Spyro the dragon (a personal favorite), or okami (also a favorite). Although to be honest, it was only the first 3 Play station games that I played for Spyro. I have heard that the newer ones arent as good. But if youve got a play station 1, 2, or 3, the original CDs will still work. You can pick them up at game stop or ebay for like 5 bucks.

Anyways, back to the topic at hand. These sort of games are complex in that what you do in that what you do at the beginning of the level affects what happens at the end of the level. The objective is more then just keep moving to the right. There are hidden switches to find, there are enemies to defeat. Alot of your time is spent wandering around the level trying to figure out how to get from one location to the other, or looking to for hidden treasure, all while avoiding or defeating bad guys. If your son is the type of person who just wanders around exploring the world, this is the perfect type of game for him. Other games like this include Zelda, some of the Final fantasy games, and some of the more complex Mario games. And of course Pokemon(loads of fun, and a great game series) fits into this category also. They are referred to as the action adventure genre.

Other games for slightly more mature players (I would guess about age 10) are Real time strategy games. These games include things like starcraft, homeworld, age of empires, warcraft, and command and conquer. These are the games that I played in my youth. In these games you are the commander of an army, and your objective is to build up your army and destroy your opponent. It requires tactics, strategy, planning, multitasking, and quick critical thinking skills in order to win. Most often your opponent is another person, which makes the game very challenging, however computer opponents at a variety of difficulties are available. If you are going to get a game like this, I would recommend getting a newer one so that it is still popular online. For example:
http://www.gamespot.com/games.html?plat ... rtdir=asc#

Other games that fit into the Real time strategy genre are things like roller coaster tycoon, sim city, spore, or any of the other world building games. These games however are single player. While you can download stuff off the internet for them, they really cant be played cooperatively or competitively. However, these games are a lot of fun, and great for when you just want to relax.

Also, around this age, your son might be interested in a first person shooter. Games like Call of duty 4, Halo 2, Team fortress 2, Day of defeat, etc. all revolve around teaming up with other people, and fighting in a shooting match against your opponent. These games emphasize teamwork, and task specialization. Anybody who has played the game will tell you that just running randomly into the enemy will get you killed. You need to work with other players, set up assaults, defend your base, etc. These are fun games, and I enjoy playing them. They are also a great way to relieve any built up stress. And allow me to be blunt, these games are not going to cause your son to become violent and go on a bloody massacre. Anybody who says that has obviously never played the games they are denouncing.

And lastly, the games which require the most maturity are MMORPGs. These really are loads of fun, and great ways to socialize. But most people wont be mature enough to even start playing the games effectively until they are 15. Now that isnt true for everybody, and it varies from game to game. But I can tell you, in the 2 MMORPGs I have played, the average age was early 20s, not 13.


Also, I probably should address your concerns about socializing directly:

Feel free to buy your son some multi-player video games. There are a lot of games out there that can be played by 2 players at once on the same console. There are also games which can be played online in multi-player mode. Get a game your son would be interested in, and encourage him to invite people over, or meet them online and play together. But while you can encourage and facilitate this socialization by providing multi-player games, dont force the issue. Let your son socialize when he feels like it, and let him play alone when he doesnt. Your not going to accomplish anything but stressing your son out when your require him to socialize.

I've played warcraft for around four years but I don't let my 12 year old play very much due to the rough chat that happens at times. When he does play I'm in the room with him and the chat is off , but to be fair I'm one of the moms you see at the play ground following her baby around just incase they need to be caught if they fall. It drives my husband crazy the kids too now that they are older. The other posters are right mmrpgs are great for learning team work and social rules. Also with warcraft there are parental controls were you can set a time limits on when and how much your child gets to play. Like only 3 hours on the weeekends or what ever you feel would work best for your child. I even know other parents that make their son pay the $15 a month fee to play in oder to each them how to handle money.

Getting a bad attitude and being rude is not a good thing and I would come down like a ton of bricks on that myself. If the only thing that works is not doing it at all, then that's what works. "What Works" is king when it comes to parenting, IMO.

My NT brother has always been very intense and volatile when playing video (any game to be honest -- he's very competitive) games. From what his wife says, he still hasn't outgrown it and he's over 30 now. Some things are just not healthy for some people.