to parents with aspie girls..advice on certain situations

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kosta
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22 Jul 2009, 12:11 pm

when you ask your child to take a shower and they say wait, and wait and time has gone by, what do you do? i tell her to get off the computer and she won't use it again for 2 days for her disobedience.

is there a better way?

just one issue i have tons of them that i need help with



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22 Jul 2009, 12:33 pm

I'm a 40 yo woman with AS and as a child, I would get obsessed with something and it would be impossible to pull me away, regardless of the consequences. Is it possible to ask her to take her shower at another time, like right after school before she goes on the computer?


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22 Jul 2009, 12:41 pm

Do you give her a timeframe for wrapping what she is doing and getting to the requested task? I find that essential for both my kids. On the computer, at least 15 minutes; other tasks often 5 minutes will do. I point to the time on the clock, make they acknowledge understanding, and there is no confusion. If they protest that it isn't a long enough window, I ask them what will be enough time, and if it is within reason, we'll use their suggestion - and they absolutely must stick with it. They like having some control, and knowing exactly what the deadline is.


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lelia
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22 Jul 2009, 1:01 pm

Please stop punishing her. The world won't end if she doesn't take a shower. I remember how I hated showers. The water would splash in my eyes. I would itch and itch and itch for an hour after taking one. I hated how cold I felt before I could get thoroughly dry.

You might explain the social consequences if she doesn't shower a time or two, and then let it go. Maybe she'll shower once every three days. Maybe she won't shower until somebody at school makes fun of her. Maybe a bath would be better. Maybe a washcloth cleansing will do. I don't know, but your constant irritation with her is more destructive than being dirty.
I told my kids that I didn't care how they kept their rooms so long as nothing organic was rotting in there. They lived like pigs, and as soon as they left home they became neat and clean. Oh, not the one with AS. Oh well. Not my problem. I don't remember ever telling my kids to bathe or shower. But somehow they picked up the habit.

I liked the slow wake up ideas on the other post, which might help with your daughter. I myself, usually lie in bed for an hour thinking, reading, praying, mind wandering before I get up.

Natural consequences might work with your daughter. If I missed the bus I had to walk the couple miles to school and Mom let the school fuss at me or keep me in detention.

I understand that you have been trying really hard to be the best dad possible. But maybe it's time to back off and let her be a mess for a while and make her own choices and see what happens outside the family. You should talk to her like an adult and explain everything and then give her time to process what you have said.

I do know how bad it can be. I remember calling DDS and telling them to pick up my daughter with autism plus because I couldn't take it any more and then laying my head on the desk and sobbing. When I picked up the phone again, I found out I had to keep taking it because they weren't going to pick her up. Well, years later, we can stand each other again as she lives in her own home and she can cut up anything she wants without my yelling at her, and I can have paper and books that aren't being cut up. She hasn't beaten on me for well over a year now. Life is good.



GreenStar
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22 Jul 2009, 2:40 pm

I would make an evening routine - same evening same steps determined by triggers. we go to shower after some certain cartoons are finished. we have to pay atention that the next does not start :)



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22 Jul 2009, 2:48 pm

Kosta, I hope to god you aren't my mom. I told her to stay off wp. ugh.

if you are my mom, i shower regularly enough now, and i have been changing my clothes more frequently. i don't appreciate you trying to make me shower though, because i'm 17 now and if i don't smell why should i have to be showered? i don't like the noise the shower makes.

also i feel better on the computer than irl. sorry.


this is awkward. if you aren't my mom then ignore this. that just sounded a lot like my mom.



DW_a_mom
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22 Jul 2009, 4:04 pm

Some of these posts bring up a question that is, actually, quite relevant to the discussion: how old is the daughter?


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23 Jul 2009, 3:39 am

For me, I didnt care for showers much in the sixth grade...after the first few days in the seventh grade, things changed...I started showering every morning, due to kids saying I smelled, and found showering to be better than I thought.It woke me up and made me more alert for the day.

Im a bit more lax these days.I shower once every one or two days..so basically almost every day like in grade seven, but sometimes, I miss a day due to being tired and falling asleep instead of showering after work or class.


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kosta
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23 Jul 2009, 6:37 am

thanks for all the responses

she is 12 years old
she knows shower time is 7:30 however she gets addicted to boombang or webkinz and she cant get off.
I really wouldnt care if she didn't shower, but she has horrible body odor and it's not really hygenic to not shower. He doctor told her how important it is to be clean. She refuses to wash her hands or lies and says she did but is all over the baby and she is filthy after being at camp all day.

She will take off dirty clothes and panties and pile them up on her chair in her room, instead of throwing them down the laundry chute, which is in the bathroom!! ! i don't get it honestly.

I just started on here so this is one of a million issues we have, i will post more as I have time.



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23 Jul 2009, 9:32 am

Okay, since your daughter is 12, she probably wants to make some of her own decisions re showering and such, but due to her AS may not understand the consequences of her choices. So can you let her have some control while setting the limits. Eg. she must shower, but if 7:30 PM isn't a suitable time for her (as it seems, since she's always ont he computer), what will be a suitable time? For example showering int he morning (I always shower int he morning, first thing when I get up, so that nothing will get int he way).



kosta
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23 Jul 2009, 9:35 am

mom has an extremely difficult time in the morning just getting her out of bed and
leaving the house on time so that's a no go

and we difficulty getting her to go to bed on time so i have no idea

the thing is she is 12 but with the mental capacity of a young child
she doesn't undertand things, so reasoning with her is impossible



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23 Jul 2009, 10:21 am

kosta wrote:
mom has an extremely difficult time in the morning just getting her out of bed and
leaving the house on time so that's a no go

and we difficulty getting her to go to bed on time so i have no idea

the thing is she is 12 but with the mental capacity of a young child
she doesn't undertand things, so reasoning with her is impossible


Careful, here... I am willing to bet she understands, just not in the same way you do.

What about having her shower at night before going to bed to eliminate part of the morning routine? Mornings are bad for me, and have been since I can remember... try to find ways to work together instead of insisting on things that make sense to you.


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DW_a_mom
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23 Jul 2009, 11:00 am

kosta wrote:
thanks for all the responses

she is 12 years old
she knows shower time is 7:30 however she gets addicted to boombang or webkinz and she cant get off.
I really wouldnt care if she didn't shower, but she has horrible body odor and it's not really hygenic to not shower. He doctor told her how important it is to be clean. She refuses to wash her hands or lies and says she did but is all over the baby and she is filthy after being at camp all day.

She will take off dirty clothes and panties and pile them up on her chair in her room, instead of throwing them down the laundry chute, which is in the bathroom!! ! i don't get it honestly.

I just started on here so this is one of a million issues we have, i will post more as I have time.


Even though the time is the same every night, she is going to need a warning approximately 10 or 20 minutes before she has to leave the computer. Perhaps setting a warning alarm? Remember that executive function skills like watching the time are very, very difficult for AS.

My son is the same about hygiene matters. He just does not care, and may have some aversion to the process as well. One thing I did learn was to ask if he had just washed his hands JUST NOW, and not ask "did you wash your hands?," because the later can be theoretically answered truthfully "yes" if they have EVER washed their hands - AS are THAT precise in the use of language; there is no "you know what I meant." Mostly whenever I know he has exited the bathroom I order him to wash. A simple, "wash!" For a long time I also inspected his hands and the sink to make sure he had washed, and would drag him back and make him wash if he hadn't (sorry to anyone reading who thinks that was horrible, but I feel really strongly about this basic practice). Flushing the toilet we're being looser about ... the battle we picked was hand washing. And it is slowly becoming habit for him. Once we can say it really is a habit, we'll work on something else.


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23 Jul 2009, 11:32 am

Kosta, I'm not a parent but this sounds so much like myself at twelve. (I'll take my post down if you want me to.)

I don't think it got really bad, but I didn't like to stop doing favourite things for a boring tedious shower either, and the sensory implications of putting on different clothes.
I eventually became more aware and willing to do wash routines unasked as I got older, and am a clean freak who washes nightly now. Go figure :lol:

My suggestions are- I'll wash during a quiet time at night so I still get to do all my other stuff and am not rushed in the morning.
Routine helps, if you set a do-able time and stick to it.
Does she prefer baths or showers? I love baths, but am now forced to shower so I put it off and put it off because I hate getting cold and find it hard to get itchy soap out of my hair. Also, do the clothes have seams etc she doesn't like?

Can you and she make a race game of it, and aim for her to get washed in time to await cartoons/internet? Also there are liquid washes you can use to wash both hair and skin so it's quicker and less fuss to do.

I hope these suggestions help.



malya2006
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23 Jul 2009, 10:47 pm

hi Kosta,

My son is only 5 but I do have some advice. He is very defiant when it comes to doing things he does not want to do, for example, clean up, wash his hands, dress himself, or get ready to go somewhere when he's watching his favorite show or on the computer. I've tried setting timers on his activities and when time's up, it's time to go. I've also tried the 5 minute warnings. For us, none of those strategies worked. I worked with a counselor who taught me a lot about raising kids on the spectrum. It's hard to pry them away from something when they are enjoying it so much. It's like the end of the world for them. A meltdown is likely. If I were you, I wouldn't let my daughter on the computer until she gets everything done first. She would need to take a bath and do her homework (or whatever chore she has to do) before using the computer. That will be her reward. You have to make them do the "non-preferred" activity before the "preferred" one. If they are already having fun on the computer, there's no way they are going to get off and do something they don't want to do. The key is to have them finish what they have to do first, and then get rewarded for it after wards. Make sure they understand that rule, and there are no exceptions. Maybe you can make a poster with the rules on her wall. I know it sounds a little childish but sometimes kids with AS need that visual support. Whenever it's in writing, my son knows it's serious, he usually blocks whatever I say out of his head. That way, you don't have to punish her because it's so hard for her to stop what she's doing, nearly impossible, it's not her fault.

The first thing my son does when he wakes up is tries to run downstairs and play on the computer or on his Wii. I tell him, "stop right there!" and make him brush his teeth and pee first. No exceptions. If I know that we have to go to therapy or school in an hour, I won't let watch tv or play on the computer because I know it would be impossible for him to stop and then we'll be late. If he asks me to do something fun, I'll take that opportunity to tell him he has to do something good first like homework or eat all his food, and then he'll get the reward. I hope this helps.



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23 Jul 2009, 11:10 pm

I would put it before or after a certain activity. You said camp, so I'm assuming she's getting sweaty all day long, and that's why you need her to take a shower. How about when she gets home from camp? Can she take a shower then? I love taking showers in the middle of the day before I need to do something. Or perhaps right after supper? That way she can also brush her teeth. We did baths right before supper with my kids for the longest because they got so wound up from the bath.

It sounds like she's getting immersed in her activity and not wanting to leave it. (I hate being Mrs. Obvious, but sometimes people don't get it.) Rather than making her leave it for a boring activity, preempt the activity. It's not going to hurt anything if she takes a shower at a different time of the day than normal people as long as she gets it done.


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