son chronically lying about completing HW

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DS is an Aspie with ADHD and is a sophomore in HS where he is in a selective Computer Science Academy. He is very bright. When he was young he was unable to tell a lie - being brutally honest to a fault all the time, but for years now, his procrastination has led him to lie about what hw he has, usually during this midyear time. (I'm sure he also lies about other things - for example, I'm not convinced he is really doing the daily SAT question of the day he gets in his e-mail). For the past month, I noticed he has been doing less and less hw (and watching more and more tv) and now see his current grades and in two classes he is doing poorly. (sometimes I'm still at work and can't monitor his actions) Last night it came to a head and he had a meltdown. To make matters worse, he broke his dominant wrist a week ago and is have a difficult time doing math problems in particular. He probably failed a quiz because he had to dictate his calculations to another student. How is that process fair to do mental math instead of writing it? I don't know the answer, but I don't think that's it! I did notify the guidance counselor immediately about my concerns on how he will compensate and the school will accommodate for the next month but it took a week for the guidance counselor to get back to me! Anyway, my son sweeps problems under the rug instead of confronting them. I have always told him we are there to help him, but we can't help if he won't admit to these problems!! !! !! ! Help!!

Is he getting any support for executive functioning deficits like instruction on how to organize his work load and organizational tools to implement the instruction? This may be better received from a teacher or the guidance counselor than from you (no offense, I just think most teens reach that point where Mom and/or Dad are COMPLETELY clueless in their minds). I have read here time and again how "lazy" ASD teens appear to be. I think many of them suffer from not being able to organize and plan coupled with expectations from the adults around them that they have somehow picked up those skills along the way. I can pretty much guarantee you that if he hasn't been given a lot of specific instruction on how to organize, he doesn't have those skills. For kids who haven't yet developed organizational and planning skills, all they see is a huge pile of "stuff" they have to do and they have no idea how to tackle it so they shut-down and do nothing. I think that is a reasonable human reaction. If someone gave you a long list of seemingly unrelated tasks to do and a tight time frame in which to do them but didn't give you any instruction on how to approach it in order to get it all done, you would be pretty overwhelmed too. I guess what it boils down to in my mind is that sometimes it seems really hard for those of us working with ASD children to tell the difference between "can't" and "won't". I try to remind myself often that when my DS is resistant to doing something that it is more likely can't than won't and I need to figure out what obstacle is preventing him from being able to do it.

I also think that stress is cumulative for some ASD folks so while he may have been handling things better earlier in the school year, the stress is wearing him down.

I dont know if the teacher would agree with this, because its a bit more work for them, but in basic school, i got from my classteacher a "Homework" Book. After every lesson the teacher of the lesson wrote into the book which homework i had to do, or if there was non, he wrote so. (In the beginning I tried to "forget" the book, so noone could write into it.) It functioned pretty well, until I left basic school. In the upper school I had no "Homework Book" any longer, so I rarely did one. ^^

The part of the homework I didnt like, but my classteacher also used the book ro remind me of other things (Special Events, wear I had to bring different clothing or such things....) because before I always forgot.

It sounds to me like he may be moving into an "I can't do it, so why should I try so hard?" mode. I believe he is overwhelmed and trying to escape the realities.

Which means, you have to help him get the realities back into something he can handle.

I think it is going to be a long, on-going conversation with him. I suspect that he does see the hole he is digging himself into, but he can't see his way out of it. Or, perhaps, he is still in denial and refusing to see it ... in which case, I guess you'll have to help him find it. He will have to make some hard choices, perhaps cutting down on work load, reducing some of his ambitions, and/or removing from the home distractions like the TV. I would try to have him consider all the alternatives and make those choices for himself, although with your help, because he probably also needs to feel more in control of his life right now.

If you can cut back on work and offer to be a more available pressence and help for him, that would be very beneficial, as well. Include the option in your conversations with him, and let him know that you will do what it takes to be there for him.

Kids regularly hit walls growing up, and they don't have the tools to figure out their way past those walls. Those are the times we really need to kick into high gear as parents, helping our kids in every way we can think of, and showing them the process of how to deal with the situation. It is easy for us to see how our kids are reacting to the wall, but not nearly as easy for us to see the wall that exists. But when we focus on the visible behaviors, instead of trying to find the invisible wall, we can actually make things worse, instead of better. As you've posted, you have a good kid. But something has changed, and he may not know himself what it is, but moving past will require finding it.

With my son, I am seeing that high school (Sophomore year on) is really stressful. The kids get over-sold on how important everything is to their future, to where they see it as pass or fail, nothing in the middle. A few months ago my son started getting migranes, which he has never, ever had before. When I suggested cutting back, he freaked out, thinking his whole future rided on what he was doing right now. I had to sit down and talk to him about how there ARE other roads out there, that if you miss the straight shot we've been working on you can still get to where you want to go, although it will be a less-clear path that will take longer. We sat down and made a plan for getting through the year, and he traded off a few ambitions and activities. There is no point in racing so fast that you collapse before the finish line, and that is something our kids need to see, too. It is hard, because they are bright and we are so ambitious for them and with them, but sometimes everyone has to let go, breath, and decide it will be OK if not everything is done to the maximum ambition sees for them.

I wish you luck. Helping our kids find balance at this point in their lives is really difficult. They are still kids, and they need time to still be kids. But they are also tuning into the future world, and trying to measure up, and our own hopes for them sometimes put pressure on them that we don't realize. And they are seeing for themselves more clearly than ever the ways in which they don't measure up, and are trying to figure out what that means, too, and if their dreams can ever come true at all. So many confusing thoughts. Much easier to escape into "homework is stupid, I'm not going to do it."

Well, we've been down this road before. He has had lots of support for his executive function issues along the way, requiring less and less since becoming more independent in high school. He generally gets A's and B's in his Honors and AP classes and has really taken the initiative in making his schoolwork a priority. He has many tools to organize himself (although he doesn't necessarily use them all the time). He has an agenda to keep his daily assignments, and has done much better in keeping his binders organized. I don't school is usually overwhelming for him, but he does procrastinate at times. The problem is how can I trust him when he says he's done something? Short of seeing the work, I can't always know if he studies for something if he did it when I was not home. He's so honest to a fault at times, yet lies to me all the time about what work he has or doesn't have to do. I am a SLP and am very knowledgable about his executive function issues, sensory issues, feeding issues, social issues etc. I'm sure he just lies to avoid confrontation and to be able to procrastinate further. Now with the broken wrist, (this is very new - not the whole reason for the problems of late) it is even harder for him due to difficulty writing.

Some students need their parents to be more involved until they are older. You should take time out of your day to make sure he does his homework. This may require you to have an assignment notebook signed off by his teachers everyday. If you want his homework done you will have to do more parenting.

Regarding his wrist, I would suggest requesting an accomodation such as allowing him to use a laptop and either Word or Excel so he can type the calculations with his other hand and visually see them as he is thinking them, rather than dictating to another student.

Being the queen of proscrastination, I have to say, something is always behind it. It is escapism, even when you don't consciously understand why you are trying so hard to escape.

Is he physically active in something he enjoys and does well? I've found a correlation with that, myself. It gets to be a viscious cycle because you have to make time to hike or ride a bike, but that can be time well invested, especially when compared to watching a TV show. The former energizes you, the later seems to suck out additional life.

You need to try to get him to open up about everything he is feeling and experiencing.

You also need to consider what pressures he may be feeling from inside and outside the family, to better understand why he is so desperate to avoid the confrontations. If you don't care about him doing his homework, he won't lie about it, which I say only to make a point, given that not caring about homework really isn't the answer.

I'm really leaning towards getting him to agree to having the TV removed, locked, or somehow effectively limited. And, yes, I believe that he needs to agree for it to be effective.

And then examine hard your own expectations and how you convey them to him. You may be placing him under more pressure than you realize. I've discovered from my kids that I do that, and I have to work hard at finding a suitable balance.

My son is 12, so the issues are a little different - but we've struggled with lying for years. We are starting to make some inroads on it because I, fortunately, am one of those folks on the spectrum who just doesn't lie successfully and therefore avoids it. This did me no good at his age, but in my fourties it is a highly valued asset and something for which other people respect me.

I've been able to talk to him in general terms about the value of honesty, the importance of creating a habit of honesty (and that his lying is a bad habit he needs to replace) and how his lying was then casting me in the role of police officer - which neither of us wanted me to be. I make a big deal out of it when he's honest in a difficult situation (harder than it seems, because we have to find a way to balance praising honesty and him learning to use it to get away with stuff.) When he lies, he not only has to accept the consequences anyway, but he gets a speech from me about how he has damaged my trust and now I have to check up on whatever it is and play cop when neither of us want me to do that. It slowly seems to be sinking in.

I also talk about anything we want him to learn as a skill I want him to have as an adult - so, I explain that he needs to practice honesty now, when it's easier, so he can be honest with his own family and his co-workers and boss when he is on his own.

All of this sounds very new-agey as I write this, and I'm not at all that way...but it does, slowly, seem to be working. Sometimes it helps my son to have the appropriate frame for a behavior. I am also trying to be less rigid and more matter-of-fact about the smaller lies (like sneaking candy, etc.)

It's stress, mostly.

I'm assuming he's in High school, where this stuff usually happens.

It just tends to wear us out a lot at this point. We then end up using the time to regain the energy lost from the school day.

Another issue is the work being too complicated, as in we need time to figure out how we're going to do it. This takes a bit longer. Honestly though, some clarification on the assignments should help with this. Stress isn't going to go away as easily.

Spender, I also forgot to bring up the precise and literal language thing. Are you careful with how you word your questions about homework? My son will not lie, but he will mislead. When he was young he did not do it intentionally, but now that he understands NT world broad (to him) language better I have to admit that, yes, he will use his precision with language to mislead. Brilliant skill in a courtroom, not so much in a home, so what we do is phrase questions very precisely, and listen to his answers very precisely as well, not leaving any room for him to mislead us.

Example: literally speaking, it is honest to answer "did you do your homework?" with "yes" if you've ever done homework in your life. Instead, ask, "have you done all the homework that needs to be done tonight?" And so on.

Then figure out the layers your unique child adds. My son likes to answer questions about his homework with, "it's managed," which means he feels he is as far as long as he needs to be to get things done on time, and sometimes that means he intends to finish something in the 10 minutes he has before school starts. And sometimes it means he has decided an assignment is not worth enough points to do a good job on. So, we dig a little more to find out if it is managed to OUR standards. Not necessarily meaning we'll pressure him to do more, since he is under a lot of stress and sometimes has to make less than optimum choices (and Zodai is right, ASD kids can need a LOT of time to decompress), but to make sure we're fully communicating.

I appreciate all of the thoughtful suggestions and insights I've received on this common topic! I have read Ross Green's The Explosive Child when my DS was a preschooler and have since then learned to pick my battles. I did have a good phone call with him after school today. He actually answered the phone!! Most times he ignores the phone if it is not convenient for him to get to it! He hates to admit weakness, especially in the area of academics, which he feels so confident in (even if falsely so) and hates to ask for help from us or teachers. I did encourage him to talk to the math teacher today after I sent an e-mail on his behalf last night, so I hope that they will work something else out. I told him he needs to check his grades - take the initiative on a weekly basis on the Parent Portal online. But I will have to provide assistance for some of these checks and balances!! ! He also admitted he hasn't been using his agenda to write down assignments. I used to check them every day and had a checklist thing for the teachers to contribute to his organization (we had a 504) way back in middle school which we have since faded out as he became more independent.

He does need an hour before starting any hw requiring keen concentration after he takes his meds after school. But I told him instead of tv, he can do some other activity that would benefit him. He does go to hip hop dance and tae kwan do (not for a month right now) a few times a week, so he has that active outlet. He is also in 2 clubs right now at school that meet every week or two each.

I will have to up my parenting like it was suggested, but I want him to be more independent with the organization tools so when he goes to college, we don't get more serious problems with it!! (That's a whole other conversation, btw!)

I, myself, have pretty severe executive dysfunction and have been known to fall apart on things if I don't get the right support.

Does he have a smartphone? I depend completely on my smartphone/Google calendar/Google drive to keep me organized, and I don't have nearly the amount to remember that a student does. I wonder if he could use the photo feature to take pictures of wherever the assignments are written, so they are all in one place on the calendar, and he doesn't have to get frustrated with writing them down or typing them in. Something like this: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/09/20/techn ... .html?_r=0

Most schools restrict the use of a smartphone, but you should be able to get it written into a 504 plan pretty easily. You can ask the teacher to hold the phone for him in situations where there might be a question of misuse (and if you build that into the system from the outset, he won't be upset about somebody taking the phone.)

I have often thought this would be a good solution for DS, but at the moment he can't be trusted in school with a smartphone (he's too easily distracted by the lure of the internet.)

Well, it's been over a year since the initial thread - not sure if it is still active, but I wanted to give an update on my DS! We had a few Math emergencies when he would melt down at 9pm the night before a math test, when he did not feel ready due to his chronic procrastination. I acquired a tutor for him, who teaches all levels of hs math, including special ed. She was great, and got him to reduce his significant test anxiety and get him started on hw (once a week or so). As she got to know him better, she told me she felt he was brilliant in math, and shouldn't be pulling the C+'s he had been struggling to get (in his honors precalc class). She urged me to get the 504 plan reinstated earlier this year (his junior year) to allow extended time on tests, primarily. He has since pulled his math grade up to a B+ (and even gets A's on tests occasionally). He has been able to keep up with all of his other work without too much difficulty, but has dropped some of his extracurriculars (primarily hip hop dance) and feels his hw takes complete precedence over everything else, including a little parallel parking practice.

He is much more honest about what he is or isn't doing, although he says I usually know when he is lying so I continue to trust my gut. It's still an issue, but the procrastination is a bigger issue.

Now I have to get back to watching Big Bang Theory!

Glad to hear things are going better! Sounds like you've got it under control, congratulations!

Procrastination is an issue for me, and a counselor I'm seeing just nailed the reason why for me - I'm guessing it's the case for many Aspies - I have impulse-control problems. Not in the way you would expect, I rarely exhibit impulsive behavior...but I spend most of my energy inhibiting the huge amount of impulses I have due to having an incredibly good short-term memory.

We're trying medication for me (Wellbutrin) but for me, one of the things that works is just having someone else structure my work for me: if it's a long-term project, having interim goals and check-ins helps a lot. I do this for my son, too - he has a weekly assignment, and we simply divide the work by the number of days and have him do that much (I think I mentioned this upthread.)

Sometimes the main thing that is motivating a child to do homework is the threat of punishment (for example, a scolding from parents or teachers). For many children that's not enough. I think it's worth having simple but enjoyable rewards that he can work for. It doesn't have to be anything new, just something he already likes...make it so he only gets it after he does his homework and shows it to a parent. If you make checking homework and reinforcing part of your daily routine with him, he'll have more motivation to do the work (assuming the reward is worthwhile, and he doesn't already have unlimited access to it -or something equivalent).