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Pook
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06 Aug 2009, 8:57 am

My daughter doesn't transition well from one thing she likes to another or will rarely come to the table without getting defiant. How do I handle sass and backtalk on these occasions?

Btw She also does not like to have new shoes and we can't get her to try them on in the store. Sometimes she fights about even putting new shoes on at home if I purchase them without her. But she likes new clothes :? Go figure...

Im thankful for all the help ya'll post for me as I don't have others to ask about these problems :)



DW_a_mom
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06 Aug 2009, 12:00 pm

Transitions: It is very important to allow them enough time to make the transition in their own way. Often time warnings, like "we'll be having dinner in 5 minutes" (directly to her face, making sure she has acknowledged) will do the trick. Some kids need longer intervals and extra spaced warnings as the time comes to close; others can do with one. Adjust the schedule until you find the one that works best for her.

Back talk and all that: Personally, I think kids need to express their frustration. As long as they aren't doing it in an abusive way, let it be. Mostly. There is a limit. What I do is acknowledge to my kids that I have heard them, that I understand why they are frustrated, and then state calmly what the rule is or what we are doing (whatever single and short sentence most clearly gives my position). For example: "Our family sits together for dinner at 6:30. You know this." What I do not do is allow endless grumbling and debate on it; if that continues I might say, "I have heard you. I understand your point. I have made my position clear, and the decision is final." If it continues, STILL, I might add: "If you continue to debate this there will be a consequence."

If they are being highly inappropriate in how they are talking, I might say, "I have no problem with you telling me how you feel, but the language you are using right now is unacceptable." I don't really talk tone to my AS son; he feels that he is unable to control his tone when upset, and under the rule of "pick your battles," that is one I've decided not to pick.

As for shoes ... oh, boy, can I relate. My son hates shoes and hates shopping. But he knows he needs them, and when we absolutely must go shopping for them we talk about it for weeks and tell him to pick a day when he'll agree to do it. We agree to which stores we will look at, and in what order. Lucky for him, we were able to order his last pair of shoes on-line to match the pair before. He had really liked those shoes, and he was so happy to just move up one size with no shopping involved. Maybe tell her that if you can find a pair she really likes, that isn't a fashion shoe (since those get discontinued quickly), perhaps next time you can order on-line.

Good luck. Hope some of these ideas help.


_________________
Mom to an amazing AS son, who recently graduated from the university (plus an also amazing non-AS daughter). Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).


Pook
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07 Aug 2009, 6:35 pm

Yeah there is some helpful stuff in your post. My girl is "weird" in that she doesn't want to try on shoes in the store or when she first sees I've bought her new ones, but once there on she totally forgets about the craziness and loves to wear them. I will try your next shoe size up method if she gets to anti shoes :wink:



Electric_Kite
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11 Aug 2009, 1:44 am

+1 DW

Also, 'sass' is not a concept that is very easy to understand. I couldn't tell you if I'm delivering 'sass' or simply trying to explain my position.



kdeering75
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12 Aug 2009, 12:15 pm

my son has been backtalking/sarcasm lately...I'm chalking it up to puberty...unless the doc says otherwise, puberty may affect AS kids a bit differently...idk for sure.



Pook
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12 Aug 2009, 2:52 pm

Electric_Kite wrote:
+1 DW

Also, 'sass' is not a concept that is very easy to understand. I couldn't tell you if I'm delivering 'sass' or simply trying to explain my position.


No doubt. I often correct her and give her my explanation why that isn't appropriate.