going to the store

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Hi I am a self dxed Aspie mom who has seen some Aspie traits in her kids and does not want them dxed but would like help dealing with them. So far, approaching the problems with an Aspie perspective has been helpful.

The latest is my ten year old daughter is stifflingly afraid of ordering a pizza or speaking to a cashier. She will walk with her eight year old sister to the store, pick out the right item but not say a word or speak to the cashier. The eight year old does all the talking. If I stress her to go, she will curl in a ball and cry. Otherwise she is very mature and self sufficient so I do not push her with this.

Mind you, I completely understand why she does this. I will email everyone at work rather than speaking to them. I can deal with talking to strangers but have a serious difficulty talking to certain people I have had prior bad experiences with (like a guard). I totally understand the desire to curl up in a ball and cry.

I know it can be helpful to act out and prepare for situations. I pretend to be the cashier and she pretends to shop. I give her exact phrases to say. But in this case it has not helped.

I am considering discussing this with teachers at her school but am very worried if they decide to diagnose her as Aspie. I'd like her to get some help without being labelled. On the other hand they may have the opposite reaction: give her a test, decide she isn't Apsie because she doesn't exhibit enough traits and then do nothing to help her. Any suggestions?

I don't really know how to help.. I think she has to want to do it. You know how sometimes you don't want to do something but then you think and think and finally feel better about doing it? She has to do that. So maybe you could tell her that directly. Tell her she can do it if she wants, and it will be easy, and it will get easier and easier the more she does it. (That's my best advice, hope it helps.;;; )

I still have a friend who won't order food, and she's like 24.. I don't know if she has AS or what. But she's been spoiled rotten so I don't know if she knows how to make herself want to do something, so I think it's a good thing to teach a kid before they grow up without that skill.

She could have social anxiety instead. If you can, that is if you can afford it, or if your insurance will pay, take her to a psychologist. If they say it’s aspies, what difference does it make? It’s just an explanation as to why she feels a certain way and sometimes it actually helps to know. I still don’t know if I have social anxiety or if I’m on the spectrum or both myself. Probably both. I’ve gone to psychologists in the past, and a good one can really give you insight that helps so much. It’s not mumbo jumbo (unless you get someone who is clueless) But rather like getting truly good advice and having your hand held through the process. Sometimes there is an easy solution or trick to help yourself. Once I was so angry with someone, I was sick. My psychologist told me to write a letter to that person, said I won’t be mailing it, just write it, write everything I wanted to say to him, so I did. It was amazingly hard to do. But when I finished the letter, it was purged. Wow, how simple. And it worked.

Anyway, my point is, don’t have fear of getting help. It’s not going to be bad, honest, go get help

Quick word of warning about psychologists. I've had a couple of bad experiences, and one really nasty experience with mental health workers. The shrink with whom I had bad experiences spent a lot of time asking me about feelings, and wouldn't accept my responses. (She said: "that's thinking; what did you feel?") Another time she asked to tell every little detail about what bullies did to me. (According to her, "it would help me deal with it".) The shrink (different person this time) with whom I had a really nasty experience made me anxious as hell during psych testing, and when the results came back, she had me and my parents come to the same session, where I had to watch them cry.

So why am I posting this? I was just a little older than your daughter when those experiences happened (12 to 13, to be exact). In my opinion, talking about my feelings didn't help me at all; well, it taught me memory skills (I memorized the responses I knew would be acceptable, then regurgitated them at the session). By the way, the "talking about your feelings" methodology is known as Rogerian or client-centered, in case you want to know. Ask your daughter which methods she'd be more comfortable with. Most aspies have a lot of difficulty talking about their feelings, and will not benefit form the overly cliche "how did that make you feel?" question.

I was exactly the same way as a child. I avoided conversations with strangers and people who I didn't care for like the plague. I am now a mother and have gotten over most of it simply because I had to. For the sake of my children, I must put myself in uncomfortable situations and basically get over myself. I've never been diagnosed with AS (I may or may not have it), but my son has and my husband very likely has it. I think it may be all about motivation. She's only 10. She knows that she will be cared for whether or not she engages in these situations. I wouldn't try to force her at all, but maybe you could try a reward system. Perhaps you could take the girls to a toy store and give them each a few dollars, or whatever you feel would be appropriate, with the only condition being that they must complete their own purchases all by themselves. I know, it's a bit of bribery, but you could always have them earn the money at home and make the situation light and positive. She may surprise you. Usually getting over the initial hurdle is the hardest part. I feel that it should be her choice though or else things could really end up backfiring. Good Luck!

I've noticed with my son that he overcomes these types of hurdles in his own time, his own way. Nudges are great, so that once she is ready she'll do it, but I don't think you can push or force without setting her two steps back for each step forward. Basically, keep the doors open, keep encouraging, and be patient.

Our younger daughter was like that, when we went out for dinner we would have to order for her, she couldn't pay for her own purchases, she wouldn't shop without my wife (she would hide behind my wife when we were out)- she was unable to talk to sales clerks etc. My wife refused to let me push (explaining to me that she had been like that when she was young- and yeah I can see it, my wife still has trouble doing some of that stuff) our daughter into doing those things for herself.

Our daughter started doing alot of it for herself her first year in college, I'm thinking it was because she finally figured out she wanted some independence to a degree, and she wanted to be able to 'eat' at the cafeteria. Our daughters one saving grace was that 2 of her good friends from high school are attending the same program as her at college. I don't know if she will ever be a real social person or extravert, but she has progressed far in the last 2 years.

I'm with you all on everything ya'all are saying.

Regarding a councilor: Getting a good psychologist is hard. They are all different, and you never seem to know what you're going to get. Best thing to do is talk to people, and if someone with similar troubles loves their psychologist, it can at least narrow the chances of a good hit. That's how I got our last psychologist. Our last psychologist was great. A bit of a spacey hippy, LOL, but had very good intuition. Gosh, she really hit the nail on the head for some of the problems I had with my hubby and he had with our daughter (and vice versa) and with a lot of tact, stroking his ego (not a nice way of saying it, maybe protecting his ego) she was able to make him see what he was doing, and he willingly corrected himself. Now that was real progress! Life is better because of her, and so I feel very much that a good councilor can do wonders! A bad one immense damage, a stupid one can waste your time and money. What to do when you need help though? I guess try and fire their ass when they’re not helping; trust your instincts!

My niece has her quirks when it comes to...

Well, one time a bee drowned in her lemonade. She was told to take her drink to the front counter and exchange it, and she completely flipped, going into panic mode at the thought. "Fine," her father said. "You can sit there without a drink if you're not going to do something about it."

Eventually, she went to exchange drinks... but she came back to us with bee lemonade still in hand, having not gotten close to the front counter. "I can't," she announced. "Because the person behind the counter is black, and I'm afraid she'll think I'm a white girl trying to trick her."

Everyone uttered exclamations, i.e. "OH GOOD GOD!" until someone finally went and asked for a drink exchange for the girl.