Calling Parents of Aspies - advice please!

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I have a tumultuous past of supposed mental health issues that are now clearly all attributed to Aspergers. My parents believe I have put them through all this and ruined my life (got fat and in debt, taken 6 years to get my degree, ended up covered in scars) through a mix of laziness, immaturity and attention seeking. I want them to understand that I am just an aspie and always have been - from the baby who never cried to the little girl who never even asked for a bike and took her mother's instructions embarassingly literally to the teenager who had no concept of social boundaries to the woman who used to have a panic attack when the phone rang. It's all Aspergers and it's not my fault.

Can any of you parents advise me about how to go into detail about it with them? I tried a couple of years ago but they didn't really care/listen. Particularly parents of older kids as I'm now 25.

I don't have children your age but I am a daughter as well as a mother. Adult relationships are a little different, because so much is water under the bridge, and yet both sides are still wondering if fault was involved in, well, so many things.

I think the best approach is subtle. Find books on Aspergers, give them to your parents, and say either "I found this really interesting and was wondering what you thought" or "I see myself in this story, and was wondering if you will, too."

You have to remember they are going to be defensive. They have no choice, really, because to not be defensive about their parenting and choices made long ago would make their ability to go forward each day quite difficult. Finding out that their child had a condition they missed, and that should have/would have/could have changed how they parented isn't an easy pill to swallow, because it will change every assumption they've lived with for years. You have to understand that going in; protective instincts in them are going to fight it. And the answer to that is to give them time, to make sure that they know you aren't looking to examine the past or assign blame, but that you are looking to find a more effective pattern going forward.

I am glad for you that you are finding answers. Many find it such a relief. But it is just one step in many. Best of luck as you move forward.

I for one, as a parent, was relieved to find out my older son was Aspergers. I thought for years that something was wrong with ME, that I was a bad parent. I couldn't understand why he wouldn't let me hug him, or say "I love you". I wondered if he had be abused. When I realized that he was Aspergers, (based on a dx that my middle child had) I was so relieved! It all began to make sense!

Possibly, one approach could be to tell your parents that you know why NOW that you behaved the way you did. I agree with the other poster. Educate your family about AS. A great little book that is cute and simple is "All Cats Have Aspergers". I like it because it's short and simple, but very accurate. It might be a good place to start.

Before you approach your parents, you might want to decide what you most want to get out of the conversation. Is it educating them in general, correcting their perceptions of you, blaming them for not "getting" you, helping them feel better so that they no longer blame themselves, etc.? They didn't connect the dots on their own and there is even a chance that one or both of them has some aspie characteristics. I think if you are clear on what you most want out of the conversation, that will guide the direction you take and what reading material you might want to give them.

Thanks for the replies.

Yes, I think a book is the best approach too. I've bought Tony Attwood's Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome and am finding it pretty insightful myself. I know it may seem like I'm bombarding them with too much information but, in my mum's case anyway, it's best to present her with a complex book full of examples and variations. The more simplistic books use the very narrow stereotypical aspie as their template and I think she'll have trouble making that leap between my behaviour and the limited descriptions in the book.



Very good advice and something I hadn't fully got before. They probably feel bad that they didn't see the signs. I know my dad will feel a lot of guilt because he left when I was 4 and saw very little of me throughout my childhood. To be honest I think it will do him good as he has always acted like he did nothing wrong. My mum will respond better I think, she already accepts that I'm "different" and is open to me having a medical reason, especially if it's not mental illness.



That's good to hear. I want my parents to feel this way. I hope they are relieved too.



Thank you that's very good advice. I don't want to blame them for not noticing it - though I am very annoyed with the medical professionals and teachers that failed to have the slightest inkling - but I want them to look at things that happened when I was a kid and go "oh dear, that's why she acted like that, it must have been hard for her." I also want them to understand who I am now and why I react to certain things and struggle with other things.