I don't think I can do this...

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We're having a really, really bad day. DS is melting down over homework, DH left the house after melting down over DS's meltdown, I'm sitting in a chair crying and I don't know what to do.

This is too hard. We are trying everything we can think of so that everyone keeps their cool (at least, within reason) and it doesn't seem to help - and we aren't even struggling with a particularly challenging situation: we have enough money and food, we can afford treatment, our school understands and is trying to help - and my son isn't really all that disabled. What is wrong with me?

Sorry for the rant - I just needed to get that out.

Hun, there are gonna be days that walk across you like a 300 pound black cat.
Sometimes a month full of those days, each cat getting heavier as you go.
Have faith that if you hold out just a bit longer, the world will run out of felines.

There are some things you just can't control. Some days you just won't win. Sometimes, you just have to accept that, as long as none of your loved ones are being permanently scarred, they are going to have to deal with the world and events of the day on their own. Mom needs some relief! What you need is a good hug. Wish we could do that for you - all we can do from over here is say that, in this matter, we understand your pain. And wish we could help.

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Eat some Ben&Jerry's (Ice Cream). Makes it all better

In short:
Sit in your chair and don't know what to do. It's OK to do that!
(After all, it's what they are doing)


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Maybe you can make 100 origami swans before bed to calm you down.
Take a cue from the AS handbook

I'm sorry you're having such a rough day. As my mom always said, this too shall pass. And now OK Go says it, so it must be true.

Anything you can do to help yourself feel better? Give yourself a time out if you need to.

I remember that. Homework meltdowns. It was part of what made me want to get my son in some sort of counseling. He did end up in a group program, and it did help in some mysterious way.

Sometimes the homework should just not get done. They are too young for that stress. Your son is still in elementary school, if I'm remembering correctly? It doesn't really count now, and by the time it does, he will have matured a little, and be better able to handle it. This "prepare them for the future stuff" is bunk when dealing with an AS child; pushing anything they are not specifically developmentally ready for backfires. So talk to the teacher and get the discretion to ease it off when you feel it needs to be eased off.

It will get better. And then worse. And then better. But ... progress happens. Hang in there.

I've been there, with 3 boys on the spectrum but also with the one that isn't on the spectrum, homework meltdowns aren't just reserved for those with ASD. I agree with what all the other posters have said so far. It never worked for us to push and once the meltdown had occurred we all needed a good break to regain our composure. Have a bath, take a walk, make hot chocolate and popcorn for all of you.
Take care

Last year we had meltdowns (I don't understand that word, but I guess that's what it was) over homework. It was HORRIBLE. Yes - me often sitting in the chair crying....

Ended up the teach told us to have him do homework for 10 min and whatever he finished, turn in. If that is nothing, then it's nothing. He said no parent/child should have to go through hours of meltdown every night. Talk to the teach. They can give you a time limit, such as my son's teach did. Another accomodation such as do 2 of each problem type rather than the whole page so you and teach know DS knows how to do it. You will get through it by working on solving the problem until it is solved.

This year, after my son is getting proper help w/ things, homework is no issue at all. I hardly have to ask him to do it.

I am so sorry you had a horrible day. I felt the same way yesterday - like knives were piercing my brain. On days like those I feel like giving up, just want to crawl in a cave. Then I wake up and get ready to do it all over again. Fun....lol.

What got me through many a rages and meltdowns is remembering that it will eventually end. He can't have a meltdown for 24 hrs, so you just make it through that relatively small time period, and then you are done with it. Also, I worked on letting it go right away - that was harder. A rage from my DS would literally knock me on my ass for days because it was so traumatic for me.

Hang in there, and don't say 'our situation isn't that bad' because it is for you, and you are the one dealing with it, so it only matters how bad it feels to you.

Thank you all, everybody has calmed down and I'm feeling much better now, especially since I had somewhere to go with all that ick.

We do have a "free pass" on homework, but the problem is that sometimes he will be doing just fine (well, with math he's always mildly annoyed at best) and then will suddenly explode in the middle of it. Doesn't help that this sets off DH, who understands the whole (AS) thing cognitively but hasn't managed to find a way to keep his feelings from being hurt when my son calls him names. At least he left the house, calmed down, and then came home again.

And I'm going through a kind of rough patch myself tangentially due to my son - I gave a lot of stuff up to focus on him this year, as - though things have improved greatly in some ways (the violence is much better) things have worsened in others. (I suppose this is not unusual with AS - we used to be on these wild roller-coaster rides where he'd be almost completely asymptomatic for months, and then take a sudden turn where he had meltdowns over every little thing several times a day for months. Now, he seems more consistently in between these two states.) That being said, I'm just not feeling...relevant - at least not to the world outside my doors. Or the world who doesn't know or understand what this is about.

We all have these days. Just take some deep breaths, and try to get a good night's sleep and start over tomorrow! Hang in there!

raising children is all happiness and light and angel kisses! yeah, right =)

i try to remind myself at the worst moments that it wont always be like this. they will grow up, slowly but surely, if we can just hold on =) and always tell yourself that you will get through it, if for no other reason than you simply have no other option. we are parents, we cant give up on helping our kids. so pushing through is the only way.

i dont think anyone ever keeled over from homework. of course, theres always a first for everything =P

i am glad to hear things are calmer =)

Another common mommy crisis. You will adjust to that one, as well. Sorry I'm not thinking of any cool empathetic catch phrases to help you through it - there are some, I'm just not thinking of them.

Ever watch the deleted scenes from The Incredibles? They were originally going to make more of a story of the Elasti-girl's mommy crisis. Kind of interesting.

Nothing is wrong with you.

You did not divulge details so I'm left to speculate. This may be entirely wrong.

You husband left the house.
This leads me to speculate he became angry and one of two things happened. He had words with your son and couldn't get anywhere with it, and became frustrated and started yelling at you to make your son do his homework and you then tried to calm him down in a way which either made him feel his feelings were being minimized or in a way which made him feel you were undermining his authority and siding with your son.

Or

He left the house because he started having words with your son and you directly took your son's side.

Or I could be wrong either way. No one is perfect. No relationship is perfect. But you should have some agreed upon way on how both of you will conduct yourselves when your son has a meltdown.

You both need to maintain a fair degree of calm and work as a team....and realize, you may simply not get your son to do what you want no matter how much you try.

As for your son...

It can be difficult to distinguish when a child with AS or something similar is being "oppositional" due to an actual discipline problem or lack of respect for authority, or because they are having some difficulty with the task they are being told to do.

It is often said that people with AS are "stubborn". This really isn't the best way to look at it. Stubborn implies some intention to stand one's ground. Children with AS appear stubborn just because that's how it appears when you try to force someone to do something they really can't do. In my opinion, it is the other person who is truly stubborn, in continuing to insist a person do something they cannot do, for whatever reason.

Under such pressure, any person will either break down, or shut down.

I don't know the reason he won't do his homework because you did not elaborate. However when my siblings and I were younger, our parents had a time getting us to do our homework as well.

The point of homework is to learn.
In elementary school, other than that fact alone, homework counts for almost nothing.
However the object of learning often takes a back seat to the child just getting their homework done.

If this is a common occurrence, why not take a different approach? He should not have to get his homework done. The only objective for him should be to learn what the homework is trying to teach him.

If it's math homework, that's very easy to integrate into daily activities at the elementary level. He can help you back cookies for an "event" which may or may not be real, and during the process you might as him something like "I have 3 cookies made. I need 7 more....here, figure out how many cookies total we need"

There are more ways to learn than writing things on paper.

You can do it. Life will get better. I totally feel for you!

Are you able to afford additional "date nights?" It sounds as if both you and your husband could use some time to emotionally recharge, and perhaps some together time so your both more on the same page.

I did, indeed - and am very annoyed that they deleted them from the movie, I think they are some of the best scenes!

Chronos - thank you. My husband may well be AS as well, he left to go calm down after being called an idiot twice at absolute top volume (both by my DS; I knew better ) and came home as soon as he was calm. FWIW, you are absolutely right about the cooking: I've been teaching my son to cook for the last two years, and am amazed at the effect it has on his math skills.

Information I didn't have at the time: at school, DS had had a meltdown over flag football; apparently the PE teacher wasn't allowing kids to sit out or leave the game, and there was some general teasing and trash-talking directed at my son's team (not at him) that he took to heart, and that upset him for the whole day. I was able to figure this out (at 6am this morning) and write a note to the principal asking that his "free pass" be extended to PE. Always more difficult to deal with things when you don't know the backstory.

On feeling "relevent" - I understand. My son has taken over my world. I don't mean that in a bad way, but every waking moment either in my mind or action is about him - analyzing his behavior, doing research, calling the insurance company, calling the school, doctor appointments, school appointments, sensory issues, mood problems, new behavior modification methods, etc...I do still work, haven't given that up (yet). But I absolutely have no sense of self anymore and am totally exhausted. It really does take over your life. Yes, I get that children take over your life, but this is on a HNL (hole notha level). I just keep reminding myself it will get better, easier. It might be a few years, but in the big scheme of things, it is a small percentage of our lives to make the larger percentage of our lives better.