Giving my son hope

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Hello all,

First post, hope this isn't a selfish use of the forum!

By way of introduction: my son is 10, and over 100 pounds and well into puberty. His psychiatrist diagnosed him with Asperger's and ADHD. His IQ is normal, yet it is extremely hard to teach him anything. He is utterly unable to organize anything. He has no friends or hobbies and few interests. He's quiet and usually well-behaved at school, but with a few behavior problems cropping up. At home is a different story. He has mood swings and can become violently angry over trivial things. He kicks holes in the walls and breaks things. Exercising helps but it's hard to make him do it. Noise is painful to him. His perception of reality is a bit odd sometimes; for instance over school work he tells me, "That's what I said!" after I correct him. It's very challenging to get him to eat regularly, get him to sleep, and to get him to maintain his hygiene.

He's never been abused in any way and lives comfortably in a very stable home in a nice neighborhood with both parents and a supportive sibling. While nowhere near perfect I think we do make it clear that we expect things of him, and we also try hard to make him comfortable. He's never been abused in any way. His psychiatrist has him on Zoloft for depression and Adderall to aid his concentration. I'm not sure they are having much effect honestly, other than seemingly giving him headaches.

I wonder if anyone can suggest something we can do to inspire our son. He can't shake his depression and feels numb and dissatisfied all the time. He knows perfectly well that he's not a good student, or socially adept, or good with his hands, and doesn't like himself much. We've tried so many things but nothing seems to engage him. His only interests are reading, action figures and video games. I try to boost his self-esteem, but it's so hard to stay positive when it's a struggle to get him to do the simplest thing. I'll be grateful for any and all suggestions about what we can try with this unhappy child.

I wonder about the Zoloft. I was prescribed Zoloft for postpartum depression and the numb, dissatisfied feeling came AFTER the Zoloft (although I suppose it was better than the despairing, suicidal feeling that it replaced). Have you tried different meds? I know it's tricky prescribing SSRIs to kids and adolescents and I think Zoloft is one of the less-bad ones, but when I described my feelings of numbness and ennui to my shrink, he did say those were common side effects. Hopefully someone who's had better luck with antidepressants will be able to suggest an alternative.

As for books, when I was that age (well, any age over 4, really) I found them a wonderful escape from all the external troubles. Since he enjoys reading, perhaps books about kids with Asperger's (or better yet, BY kids with AS) would help give him a self-confidence boost. Wish I could help more! That is just such a tough age for kids who are different from their peers.

I agree with Maranatha. I would also recommend structured days/weeks meaning for example every Saturday a sports day, every evening a book reading or something. Structure helps me when I am depressed and not interested in anything.

Also, supposing his motor skills/coordination is a bit off compared to the other kids, there may be more enjoyment for him in sports that as aren't directly competitive. Maybe something that can he learn and adapt to at his own particular level, something like karate lessons, track, etc?

I think you should try looking at it from a different angle. Many AS are "inspired" by reading, action figures, and video games. There is nothing wrong with having interests focused in these areas, and they can be turned into social opportunities and even careers. Start with what you know he likes instead of trying to engage him in something different. Different can be frightening to someone with AS, and you might find your efforts backfiring.

In middle school some kids start to form social groups around RPG games like Dungeons and Dragons or Warhammer. Specialty game stores offer activities, workshops, and tournaments. Take him into one of those stores and see if it sparks anything in him.

Since he likes playing video games, consider downloading the freeware version of GameMaker, and let him try his hand at programming his own game. You may also be able to find summercamps or afterschool programs that teach GameMaker programming (they are costly, however). A group of kids huddled around computers may not seem not a good time to you and me, but it can be heaven for an AS child. Why not run with it? Your child will start developing an interest in a marketable skill if he does.

I am also concerened about the medication. Anti-depressents can have dangerous side effects in teens and cause terrible problems in young AS kids. Being uninterested and inactive - even numb and with a negative self image - does not always mean a child is depressed; I assume there was something more to the diagnosis? Your child most likely has had very frustrating experiences in the outside world and negative feelings would be a logical response to that. Chemical depression is something that happens in spite of the outside world, not as a reaction to it, and Zoloft is for chemical depression. Recent studies are also showing that anti-depressents are no more effective than a placebo, so I really question this as a solution for an AS child. Anxiety or extreme AHDD can be different matters, and quite a few families here have had success with medication for those, but anti-depressants are NOT a normal protocal for an AS child. AS kids get upset by a world that is confusing and hostile to them, regardless of how well intentioned that world may be in reality, it often does not seem that way to an AS child. Bridging and understanding this divide will help far more than medication or medical treatment.

The place I would start is by getting further inside your son's head. Learn how AS kids view the world, and use that to help you guide your interactions with him. Don't try to squash his "weird" behaviors at home, as he probably needs these to self calm and center. I would assume that you are already controlling the noise in your home but if not, do so. Read and understand, if you have not done that already.

I could be missunderstanding some of what you wrote, so my apologies if I am saying things you already know and have tried.

psychohist -- he's played multi-player games just a little. I'll push him a little in that direction. Thanks for the suggestion.