Open Letter: Importance of Pets for an Aspie Child

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Dear Parents of WrongPlanet:

I was pleased with the responses I got in my first Open Letter thread (the one about grocery shopping). The statements that were made showed that a lot of parents understand what their child feels when he sees something in the store but can't have it. It inspired me to continue writing threads like these. Now, here's the second letter in the Open Letter series. This time, I will discuss the importance of having a pet for an aspie child. You may notice similarity in the wording and tone of writing. I will only talk about families with only one child, or multiple children with an age difference of seven or more years. Like in the first thread, the modifier "aspie" will be left off unless it's relevant, and "he" will be used a generic pronoun for any child.) Anyway, let's proceed with the letter.

Consider how an only child or a child with siblings much older than him might feel in a family. Namely, consider what the world looks like to him. He's surrounded by two or more people much bigger, stronger, book-smarter, street-smarter, and having more freedom than him. His mother and father interact with each other as equals, and his older siblings are allowed things he's not allowed. He, on the other hand, has to defer to everyone else's authority, and do what they tell him. Throw AS into the equation, where misunderstanding phrases or having sensory issues can get mistaken for willful refusal to do what he's told, and you've got all the older people in the family pretty much ganging up on the young child. Due to lacking social skills, he can't really defend himself psychologically.

If you're from Sweden or just like Swedish culture, you might know the children's book Junior and Karlsson by Astrid Lindgren. This book is banned in a lot of places in the US, so you're in on a little secret here. (Supposedly, Karlsson, one the characters, encourages children to fear and/or disobey adults.) English translations of it may float around the internet. The following is an except from the book, a scene where the family is having dinner.

(Bosse is Junior's older brother, age 14, and Betan is Junior's older sister, age 15. Junior is 7. The parents are in their 40's. The siblings' names are Swedish, obviously, so I'm not sure how to pronounce them.)

Think about what's going through Junior's mind in the book. He feels outranked by all the other family members. He also has little in common with them, due to his age being the "odd one out" so to speak. Similar things may happen to an aspie child in a real-life family. (Actually, if you can get your hands on an English translation or can read the original, you might say that Junior is an aspie.) Everyone is telling him what to do, but he has no way of doing it to someone else. In other words, he feels like a dwarf among giants, or for a more politically correct analogy, like Gulliver in Brobdingnag (more psychologically than physically). The situation is further worsened if an aspie child has no same-age siblings to play with or simply talk to as a true equal.

That's where pets come into the equation. They're smaller, weaker, and less smart than children (excluding some very large and/or aggressive breeds, but responsible parents would never get them). If an aspie child gets a pet, suddenly, there's someone below him in a family hierarchy. After some obedience training, a dog or cat can obey a child's commands, which will introduce him to the concept of having authority, and do wonders for his confidence. This is way different than a new baby, who will take up a lion's share of parents' attention (which is normal), thus taking it away from the poor child, again. Dogs and cats, on the other hand, are largely self-sufficient; other than feeding, cleaning, walking, and veterinary care, they will not "upstage" the aspie child, who has trouble asserting himself in the family to begin with. And most importantly, for children with no same-age siblings, this is as close as they will get to playing with a family member without taking authority into the equation.

As you might have guessed, I never had a dog or cat as a child. My parents don't like pets, and since obedience was the rule in the family, their wishes took priority. I did have a hamster when I was 11 to 13, but it's just not the same. Better than no pets at all, but still not the same. I could pet him, but that's about it. Now that I'm 26 and have my own place, I can think more rationally. My landlord doesn't allow dogs, and my life is too busy for a pet. But remember: I'm now an adult and have access to alcohol, tobacco, and other adult fun, which helps me cope with life. As a child, I had none of those (and rightfully so!). If I had a dog or cat as a child, I would have turned out much better, and wouldn't be anywhere near as bitter and jaded as I am now.

So, that's everything. Feel free to post your questions, comments, or concerns. I hope this thread leads to as much healthy discussion as the first one did. If there will be enough topics that I feel are important enough for parents to know, there will be some more Open Letter threads to come.

Sincerely,
Aspie1.

I was worried about my son's relationship with animals when he was younger. He had a real fear that looked like it might turn into resentment. When he was 3 he was knocked over by an overly friendly undisciplined Lab and became afraid of dogs. When we were out, if he saw a dog I would have to grab him to keep him from running out into traffic. We did have a cat but she flipped out one day when she saw another cat and scratched him. His fear was so great I eventually had to find another home for the cat. He literally would not be in the same room with her. Then a few years back he decided he might want to try again and we adopted a cat who had been declawed by her previous owner. He adores her and it's given him an opportunity to show affection and caring for something smaller and weaker than him. I think it teaches him compassion.

My girlfriend's son Billy (10 yr old aspie) is an only child. He wants a dog too, but he is terrified of them. They currently live with his grandparents, and they have a dog that he is affraid of and I have occasionally seen Billy mistreat the dog. Even after being told time and again not to. Needless to say, I am very hesitant to get a dog when they move in with me this June.

I'm a big pet person, but each child even each asspie or aunt child is diffrent with diffrent needs and wants this should be kept in mind when desiding weather or not to get a pet. My older son who is maybe an asspie but if having a fairly easy time in school, making friends ect so I don't feel he needs to be tested would die with out a cat in his life, just roll in a ball and die. He talks to his cats every morning and kisses them goodbye before school. The two little girl cats we have love him like he hung the moon and I think this is very good for him. My younger son who's a nonverbal auntie doesn't spend much time with the cats and gets the giggles and is a little uncomfortable around them. He's deathly afraid of horses and is just starting to get over his fear of dogs with the pet therapy he gets in school. When Jake gets older and feels safer around dogs we'll get one but until then we wouldn't make him fearful in his own home by having one. My point is you got to do whats right for your child.

My whole family loves pets, and we desperately want a dog. I think it would be good for my sons in a myriad of different ways. BUT they have many, many allergies. They used to be allergic to dogs, but have since outgrown it (according to RAST and skin prick testing), nevertheless the allergist has strongly advised us against getting a dog. He says it will increase the overall allergen load in our house and may trigger a return of their dog allergy, considering how overactive their allergic responses tend to be. He is an excellent doctor, and we are very hesitant to go against his advice, yet...they sooo want a dog.

I waited a little to see a least a small batch of responses before pitching in with my own; now seems to be a good time. It's good to see a lot of pet lovers on this thread. But I'd like to reiterate two things: how pets fit into the concept of the authority hierarchy in a family, and how a child with no equals to interact with will be affected. First, the hierarchy, which I touched on in my first post. In a family, the ranks from having to the most authority to having the least would probably go like this: wife, husband, child. A baby in the family often "outranks" the other child, by taking up a lot of the parents' attention, and leaving him feeling abandoned in the process. Being at the bottom in what's supposed to be a safe harbor takes a toll on the child's self-esteem. A new baby only pushes the child further down the hierarchy. The only way to raise a child's rank is by getting a pet. Dogs and cats, by nature, do what humans tell them, so they will obey all people, even young children. This way, by raising a child even by one rank in the family hierarchy, it makes a world of difference in how he perceives the world around him.

I'd also like to mention the dangers of using a statement "when you grow up and live in your own house, you can have any pets you want" when refusing to get a pet. It's OK to not want to get a pet, but here's why that statement is harmful. Children know that they won't become adults for a very long time. Year, it's in less than 20 years, but for a young child, it's the same as never. When my parents told me those things, all that made me do is wish for some kind of a medical device that can instantly accelerate my aging by 20 years.

Now, about having equals in the family. An only child or a child with no same-age siblings simply has no equals in the family, like Junior in the Junior and Karlsson excerpt from the first post. He has the authority of four people bearing down on him and only him. It may be the good kind of authority, but it's authority nonetheless. He has no siblings his age to share it with, either. So a child in a situation like his ends up essentially living under a microscope, with everyone focusing on him. A pet can play a humongous role in those situations. First of all, it takes off at least some of the parents' focus (not the same as attention). Because parents need to spend time taking care of the animal in ways that a child can't, they can't focus on the child as much, leaving him with a little more breathing room, so to speak. Also, and perhaps most importantly, the child has someone to interact with who doesn't have authority over him. A dog can run around the room with the child, a cat can be petted, and both of them provide companionship that an adult can't give. So if there aren't two or more same-age siblings in the family, a dog or cat can be crucial to a child's social development.

I'm an Aspie mom to 4 NT's and they love pets but I dont. Don't get me wrong, I love having the pets we have and wouldn't get rid of them for anything because I fell for them, but I've always said NO PETS but my husband and the 4 kids want them so I'm outvoted. I am the stay at home mom who cleans the house so I'm the one who takes care of the pets. I'm the one who can't rent a carpet cleaner every week so I have to get out the scrub brush, towels, and cleaning solution and get on my hands and knees to scrub the smell and stains out of the carpet several times a week. I'm the one with the bulk of the responsibility for the pet. If you can afford a fenced yard for the dog when the child isn't home, or if the dog would be happy in a crate when the child isn't home, that's great, I would have no objection. But as important as a pet is, I'd really consider who will have the actual responsibility for the animal before getting it. If you are getting it for a young child then of course the parent will have most of the responsibility, but at an older age, say 8 or 9, you have to think about who will take care of it while they are at school. Or out with friends. Or wherever they may be that isn't there when the dog has to go out.

I'm not saying don't get one. I've just rode that ride for 20 years and I wanted to put in my two cents worth, from the POV of the stay at home mom.

PaganMom

pagan mom: maybe you can buy a wet vacuum cleaner. we have one it was about 150$ about 2-3 years ago so probably they are even cheaper now.
though with 2 cats there is always pet hair around.

also i would second that it depends on a person, my kid doesn't care that much for our pets but i think that still they add up to his well-being.

Your son's story is very interesting. I myself got over my fear of dogs in a similar way. Roughly until age 6, I couldn't handle being near a dog, especially one that was barking. But then my family went to visit their friends who lived on a farm, and brought me along. While we were there, their next-door neighbor, a kind old lady, dropped by. She offered to show us all a litter of puppies that her dog had. I agreed to come take a look, and was pretty surprised that they were too little to bite, bark, or jump. But somehow, after that trip, I did a complete 180, and not only stopped fearing dogs, but starting wanting to have one at home.

In retrospect, I think that a good way to help a child get over his fear of dogs or cats is to show them puppies or kittens. I'm sure children will see the analogy puppies:dogs::children:adults or kittens:cats::children:adults, and realize that if a little dog or cat is nice to be around, a big one can't be something to fear, either. They also might be swayed by the cuteness factor, although that's probably more true for girls than boys. Either way, seeing puppies helped me get over my fear of dogs, and that might be true for other aspie kids as well.

My AS son, age 12, doesn't really want a pet, any pet, in the house. But, then again, by your reasoning he isn't the lowest rung on the totem pole. That would be my NT daughter, age 9, who is DESPERATE for a pet, this one cat in particular, but not desperate enough to learn how to clean her room and keep it clean (that is the condition for getting any pet beyond the fish we got last spring). Maybe it is more an age thing than an AS thing? She feels slighted by having to be understanding of my son's AS quirks, while not getting what she sees as similar allowances back.

You know, I always think its funny how obsessed you are with the whole power thing, and I always like to think that has nothing to do with me or the way I am, but looking at my two children and their feelings on pets and other things ... OK, this time you may have a point Whether or not that power structure is real, it can certainly be PERCEIVED as real by that child on the bottom rung.

Again, we're getting into the power debate . It's something I got from Nietzsche. His philosophy states that all of human history is about power. Any wars, empires, colonies, feudal systems, kingdoms, etc. ultimately revolve around competition for power. I took Nietzsche's concept, and applied it on a much smaller scale; namely, within a family. And it's pretty strange how much it seems to make sense when applied to what I've gone through in life. As for the hierarchy thing, it's actually something my friend, who's NT, came up with. When he was growing up, he lived in an extended family, with ten people from three generations plus a cat and a parrot, all in one big household. (I probably would have loved it, since my household, with only four people from two generations and no animals, was lonely as hell.) According to the way he described it, they practically had a ranking system, as far as each person's authority was concerned. He was at the bottom, obviously, but was treated better than I was.

I'd also like to point out that I disagree with the connection between a having a pet and keeping a room clean. I wouldn't see much motivation in clearing a room either, because it's just a non-sentient space in a house. A pet, on the other hand, is a living thing that needs to be cared for, and shows appreciation for it. But I'm sure you have your logic for it, which I understand.

Either way, thanks for listening to my point of view and taking it into consideration. Like my first Open Letter thread about grocery shopping mentions, things may look very different to children than they do to adults. I think that's what you meant when you said that children could easily see a power structure that may not be there in the first place.

The 'ranking system' in our family is as follows:

The Dog (dominant, bossy little thing!!)
2yr NT daughter (demands the attention)
4yr AS son
7yr NT son
Daddy
Mommy ! !

I guess I always fall at the bottom, mostly because I put myself there!! ! All of my family come first.
Funny, my AS son isnt a bit interested in the dog. Maybe as he has siblings close in age to him, he doesnt really need the company of the dog!! ! I guess though if we didnt have one and he REALLY wanted one, there would have to be a very good reason (eg. health issues) for us to not get one. But, not all people are animal lovers, dogs are hard work sometimes, especially when they are bossy xx

Just want to clarify what I meant by "hierarchy". I was talking about authority and power, rather than getting one's needs met. It goes almost without saying that children's needs come first. And even then, it's about taking good care of them, rather than self-sacrifice. However, when it comes to authority, parents would have the most of it, followed by children, then pets.

FD, you were probably referring to a combination of authority and having needs met. What logic were you following when you put yourself and your husband at the bottom and the dog at the top? But let's return to the original purpose of my letter. Would you say that your children enjoy the benefit and/or a possible self-esteem of giving the dog commands, even though you and your husband are in charge? Your situation is different than what I originally wrote about, since your kids are fairly close in age, but my concept would still hold true.

Our situation is like in that book, mum, dad, 14 yo NT sister and 7 yo aspie daughter. The kids don't have to much in common due to the age difference. But we do have a dog and a cat. My aspie daughter loves them very much and the dog never lives her side when she's home. When my daughter plays with other kids, the dog is always there watching and he is very protective, gets between my daughter and the other kids if they make too much noise or if my daughter is upset. He tries to get her out of water when we go swimming in the ocean . When she plays on the floor with her toys he lies next to her sleeping, but he is always in contact with her, if she changes position, he moves as well so a part of his body touches her all the time. They have a very special friendship and I'm happy to have him.

If you are going to get a cat or dog for your child(ren), which is something I also highly suggest (pets are about the only thing I can talk to unfamiliar people about and were my best friends from the time I came home after being born until this day), I do not suggest bringing a puppy (particularly) or a kitten (to a lesser extent) into the family. What you need, particularly if you have a kid with AS or any other special need is a very particular pet. Look into adopting a guide dog that didn't quite make it as a guide dog (they are well trained, stable and will take most abuses kids accidentally give pets) or contact a local rescue group about pets that are well socialized and are tolerant of chaos.

I recently adopted a dog who allows children to bite his neck and ears (we found this out by accident at the playground!) and who let a young man with CP "pet" him for over an hour. The young man had difficulty controlling his arms and his "pets" were more like sucker punches! He is exceptionally gentle with the elderly as well and is a favorite of my 92-year-old grandma. He can pull me off my feet when he wants to, but becomes the most gentle animal around people who need gentleness. Yes, we are working on therapy dog certification (he's already my therapy dog!).

There are many dogs like him in the world who are looking for good homes. Dogs in particular are very good at reading people and adjust themselves accordingly. Rescue dogs in foster homes are a good place to start when looking for a pet.

There are also many cats who are good with kids. I own one who allows children to carry her upside-down by her hind legs while being swung through the air.

The young man with CP was the owner of a dog. His sister and full-time caretaker explained that he (her brother) was always the one being taken care of, and she thought he needed something to take care of. She said that getting the dog really did help her brother a lot. He takes pride in being a dog owner.

Introducing children who may be wary of animals to dogs and/or cats is also best accomplished with these sorts of animals. They are known to be gentle and loving and there is nothing frightening about them. My dog will just sit quietly and let people do anything they please to him. The worst thing he might do is roll over for a belly rub. He even lets me play with the webbing in between his toes!

I know that sharing my life with animals has been the best thing that has happened to me. As a lonely kid with few friends, I always knew I could play with my dogs. Pets lower blood pressure, reduce the length of hospital stays for their owners, reduce depression and anxiety and even lessen your chances of having a heart attack (cat owners are 30% less likely to suffer heart attacks than people who don't own cats). They also provide the unconditional positive regard that we so badly need. And bringing a mature, housebroken, well-socialized dog into the home is not nearly as difficult as bringing in a puppy with an unknown adult personality. You are also saving a life in the process. And who knows-- in the end, it may be your own.

OK, I now step down from the soapbox.

That is a good point Laney2005-I never thought about dogs who didn't quite make the grade to be guide dogs but have all the other desirable qualities.