Teenager biting! Help

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Hi. My 14 1/2 year old daughter is on the autism spectrum and has been having issues with biting other people. She is verbal and probably would have been diagnosed with Asperger’s had that still existed in the diagnostic codes. Although she has been aggressive occasionally since preschool age, recently she has started biting my brother. He is 52, and probably has undiagnosed aspergers himself (that’s another story), but he play fights with her. She is into the Warrior Cats book series, and she pretends to be a cat and have cat fights with my brother. He seems to enjoy it, but she has started biting him. Today in the car on the way home from the beach, he and her friend started singing silly songs pretty loudly. Earlier in the day, they did this and my daughter really couldn’t stand it, she was getting extremely upset and started melting down and screaming at them to stop. I put on music and it was resolved. So on the way home when they started singing again, I said guys please don’t, it really bothers her, remember earlier? But they sang loudly anyway. Then she suddenly bit my brother, pretty hard, and he reacted by smacking her, pretty hard. All hell broke loose (while I was driving on dark back roads). After the screaming settled down I explained to her she should never bite, that is why he smacked you, etc etc, but also told everyone that if they had been respectful of her dislike for the singing in the first place, it never would’ve happened. How can I get her to stop this behavior? She doesn’t bite anyone but my brother. She does hit her own little brother sometimes (age 11) so I know she has violence issues in general, but the biting seems to be only her uncle. Thanks.

I would suggest the following:

1. Make it very clear what the wrong behavior is. I would go with "your teeth should NEVER touch another person, even if you are pretending to be a cat."

2. Give her an alternative "way out" - she may be doing this because she feels unsafe around her uncle, or because when she generally feels powerless pretending to be a "warrior cat" is her coping strategy. Since she is verbal, maybe practicing saying "stop!" and asking for your help. Also making her a "sensory kit" with earplugs, sunglasses, etc. so she has tools when things are too much.

3. Stop allowing situations that lead to biting. In general, I think a 14 year old engaging in physical play with an adult is not a good idea. Especially with aspergers, which makes it harder to understand the boundaries between okay touch and unsafe touch, etc. She may be biting because she feels uncomfortable and doesn't understand the signals her body is sending/doesn't know how to verbalize that she doesn't 100% like what's going on anymore. And this can happen even if her uncle is not doing anything an onlooker would see as inappropriate. Just an example, I found tickling physically painful. Like torture. There were a couple times I was "needlessly violent" as a kid/young teen because some guy tickled me, usually after I said no. But I felt unsafe and in pain...so was it needless? Or self-defense?

3b. Make sure her uncle understands the new boundaries AND that as the adult, he will NEVER strike her again. It is assault on a minor, and he can go to jail for a long time. If you can't trust him to be able to adhere to the boundaries and rules, he needs to be away from her. Protecting your kid has to be #1.

I had a daughter that went through the Warrior Cat phase. She eventually transitioned out of it. Two things helped.

1. Holding her accountable for her behavior. Even so far as when she demonstrated actions that stemmed from her fictional world to halt and recognize that her behavior was not appropriate for the real world. She would have to apologize, if needed and acknowledge she had let things get out of control.

2. Expanding recreational reading such that the cat theme fades into the past. Science fiction can be helpful. Since so much of what is available is sleazy or contains political and social advocacy, you might consider picking a book you could both read and discuss where the story should have been edited. This might give you a portal to enter her world and where you might be able to have more influence.