Am I Autistic Too?

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My daughter has been diagnosed with Aspergers and now I'm wondering about myself. Everyone tells me that I'm not, but everyone said the same about my daughter. The reason I never let it drop with her, took 16 years for a diagnosis, is because she was so unhappy with how she was and not fitting in. It broke my heart. Not just because she was my baby but because I knew first hand what it felt like. Every single problem she has had because of Aspergers I have struggled with myself. And reading about the problems others have had on this website is like a checklist for me. Yep. Yep. Done that. Had that. Yep. Yep. That one too.

I actually see a psychologist now because I'm so messed up but I never seem to get anywhere. Now I wonder if this is because, like with my daughter, they are not seeing the real problem.

I did say to the psychologist that I thought I may be Asperger's too and she said definately not, as had the previous one. She said that she knows this because I have no problem conversing with her and following where the conversation is going. The backwards and forwards of normal conversation. What I couldn't get her to to see was that this is now. Back 20 years ago I would have been exactly the same as my daughter. Now I'm not. But only because I sit there throughout the entire conversation, analysing it as we go alone, making a conscious effort to talk and then be quiet, making an effort to not interrupt or go back to something that has now passed. It may seem perfectly natural to her, but to me it very carefully orchestrated.

And the reason this is so much on my mind now is because of my Christmas list. Last night I was writing a list of friends that I need to get presents for. Off shopping in a mo!! I realised that I send these people, my friends, presents every year and yet I have never received so much as a Christmas card back. In fact, I don't even get a phone call. Everytime I meet with my friends or talk to them or anything, it's because I have initiated it. Never in my whole life has anyone else initiated anything. Ever.

Apart from one, who I love dearly and who saves up all year to pay for the plane ticket to come and stay with me for Christmas, bringing all the goodies from home that I can't get in this country.

So what is the point of this post? I have no idea. I think my head is about to explode.

And now I'm off shopping, which I arranged, with a new friend. I wish I were my dog. He seems to have life sussed. He's currently snoring on the sofa, happy in his own little doggy world.

It's a sad fact that most health professionals, including psychologists and psychiatrists, are not aware enough of the difficulties in diagnosing adults. It's a common mistake to assume that a good "performance" at a consultation means that a person doesn't have interaction problems.

It's really important to see somebody who has specific knowledge of autism. A good clinician will be able to spot the tell-tale signs, such as slight hesitations before making responses, or being very deliberate and thoughtful when analysing the self. No clinician can either make or dismiss a diagnosis without getting a history of the individual in childhood - so it sounds like the guys you are going to see don't really know what they are doing. Persevere, and "shop around", maybe somewhere near you is a specialist autism clinic or an individual who specialises in autism and Asperger diagnosis.

Hi Motherknowsbest. Congratulations on perservering and getting a diagnosis for your daughter. Its lucky that you can recognise Asperger traits in yourself because that means you can understand and support your daughter. I too, have analysed myself and see strong Aspergers traits as a child, less so as an adult. I would take that as something positive because your daughter will gradually learn what works for her. Again, like yourself, I still struggle with the give and take of conversation and constantly wonder if I've said the wrong thing! Personally, I dont feel the need for a diagnosis now, but I know it as I child it would have helped me as my son is getting lots of support that I never had. Don't feel hard on yourself for being always the one arranging things, especially with friends. I'm sure they appreciate it and admire your proactiveness. Its great you have one friend who makes a huge effort for you and visits you each year. I personally think its better to have one or two good friends you enjoy being with rather than lots of aquaintances. I now back away from 'takers' and just concentrate on the friends who I feel comfortable with. And I agree, dogs do have a nice life! As does my cat, who is sleeping on a blanket on my sofa as I write this.

I definately feel your frustration. As we were going through the process of getting my daughter diagnosed, I realized that she got it from somewhere (me!). When she talks about her experiences at school, I've gone off and shed a lot of tears. And the tears aren't because she isn't "normal" or because I don't know what to do...it's because I experienced the same things, the same way, and I feel terrible that she is going through the same pain.

I've mentioned to doctors, family, etc. that I am certain I'm AS (I took the Aspie Quiz and almost all of my answers landed on the Aspie side) and no one believes this is possible. In my career I am considered a skilled communicator and my job requires a good deal of contact with others...and these others see me as outgoing, friendly, etc. What nobody takes into account is that my job also has allowed me to obsessively study a subject of interest and so OF COURSE I can talk all day about it, and give very enlightening viewpoints, and give engaging presentations. I can talk to work colleagues and customers because they want to know all about the topic I am obsessed with:) I'm comfortable with my family too, so I can talk and have fun with them, although sometimes I'm a little too loud!

What casual observers miss is that I have no friends, and never attend purely social functions. Making small talk is incredibly uncomfortable for me and I often say the wrong thing or have no idea what to say. They miss the years it took to convince my husband that I really love him but it really does HURT me to cuddle...feels like stabbing pain on my skin. They don't notice that my wardrobe consists of 3 colors. I've tried wearing other colors but I spend the whole day obsessing about whether or not I am drawing too much attention to myself because of the color. They don't see how freaked out I get if ANYTHING changes in my environment...even something as simple as...my husband and I play an online video game and he's always getting these new "add ons" and telling me how much better they make the game, and my response is always "no that would be too different. I wouldn't be able to play anymore because it would upset me".

For me, I've decided to skip the diagnosis. For my daughter, I can get extra help for her at school. For me, I don't see a particular benefit to being diagnosed. I know what it is, and it explains a lot, but I've functioned just fine as an adult and have learned how to cope with my environment in a way that works. But it's still annoying, particularly with extended family, when I say something about it and people laugh and say "YOU? No way!"

As far as the Christmas thing, I've just decided over the years that one way or another I've made a choice about "friends". I send out a dozen or so cards each year and make a few phone calls, but the fact of the matter is that I would be miserable all the time if I put the necessary energy into maintaining friendships the way most people do naturally. I've found that my life is happier with just a few people in it and so I don't let it hurt my feelings anymore. The Christmas thing isn't just about what happens at the holidays, it's a matter of maintaining those relationships all the time so that you're at the top of of the list these people think of. To me, all that effort just isn't worth it since I wouldn't really "feel" those emotions anyway.

It's good to know I'm not the only one.

Eeyore710, you paragraph about what casual observers miss could have been written by me. Although I think I was missing them too. Every thing in my wardrobe is pink or purple, even my trainers. And the cuddling/pain part, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia a few years back because I the pain I feel when someone touches me, but I've never really believed it as I think this is a catchall condition for when they don't know the real problem.

I'm also not bothered about a diagnosis for myself, I was just having an epiphany moment.

I think that in some respects I have learnt to cope with age because with some things I don't care anymore. Like the pink wardrobe. 20 years ago, I would have tried to fit and appear more normal, now I don't care. I like pink and if others don't like it they can bugger off.

Yeah it's a lot like me too. Difference is I can adapt to slight changes and small talk isn't painful for me (it may be because I never partake in it). Okay that's a lie I did previously today (but I rarely do) and I found it uncomfortable. I survive in it with close friends but that's because close friends talk about interesting stuff not small talk, so the occasional stuff is fine cus I know them. Other than that it's evil

MotherKnowsBest,

It is interesting that one criteria some "shrinks" use to determine if you are AS is the idea of TOM. They may also speak of some GIVENS like there is debate on the subject, or even COULD be!

They figgure that you ARE 100% as you seem(which may not be true), and that you are as you have always been(which is almost certainly not the case). Psychiatry is too subjective to take all as gospel.

And YEAH, I am VERY different now from how I once was. Still, internally, a LOT of me is like monk on a TV series that was shown in the US. OH, I don't go around with the hands, or want to touch everything, or have any real FEARS. THAT is him, and those are more symptoms like OCD. The idea of insisting on things my own way, routine, hatred of being touched, etc.... the different way of thinking, connecting things, curiousity, etc.... is all there but few notice, since I hide it. STILL, there may be 100 seats at an airport, and I won't sit because I see no seat that fits MY requirements. I may see 100 things offered as "food" and STARVE because it doesn't fit MY ideal. It is surprising I even go to restaurants. I always try to be the first in line at the airport, even if I have to get there an hour before everyone else. I have to cover my ears when the PA blasts, etc... Heck, even most with large heads find that, in the end, they are only an average of 2% larger, when they are adults.

It is really common for parents to wonder about their own place on the spectrum after their children are diagnosed, but it can be really difficult to know for sure, because most of us have learned to adapt so well. My husband decided he was AS right off, and hasn't given it much other thought. I decided I was a little bit of both, but more NT than not - I do energize from social contact, and scored as NT on the Aspie quiz, but did much worse than most Aspies on the "eyes" quiz. Yet the other day my mom and my sister were suggesting that I may be more AS than I realize, based on things they remember from when I was growing up. Who knows, really, and a label doesn't have any use to me today. But it does explain a lot of things from my own life, and my husband's life, to see this facet that most likely has been part of it. So, yes, you may be autistic as well. It doesn't matter what others tell you about the possibility; you decide, and do with it what you will.

This is a very interesting topic. In having our daughter diagnosed, I can look back and see things about myself that are definitely Aspie-ish and my husband has many of the classic traits.

I can be a social person, but there are many social situations where I feel uncomfortable, or unsure of what to say next. For example today, I was talking to someone and someone just butted in. I just stood there..unsure of whether to say goodbye or just walk away or stand around and try to converse with all 3. It was just uncomfortable. Not to mention that I thought it was rude of the other person. When I am the other person (trying to talk to someone who is involved in a conversation with someone else), I often feel uncomfortable as well....should I walk away, try again later, butt in, wait patiently? So...I'm sure some of that is normal...but I'm definitely a little awkward in situations like that. I also tend to crave all the information before making a decision, but am fearful of making decisions because of the possible consequences. I imagine most of my issues revolve around self-esteem, though I had a fantastic childhood and no reason to have any real self-esteem issues.

My husband is super smart, highly passionate about certain things (computers, for example), talks incessantly about something and doesn't realize that others are not interested, and has no idea about what other people are trying to convey to him with their body language. Many times we've been at a social function and it's ending and he doesn't have a clue that the hosts were attempting to get us to leave without coming right now and say it. He doesn't read between the lines very well (maybe that's just because he's a man). That said, we both deal with these things well. I wouldn't go so far as to say that I'm Aspie...but I do kind of think that many people have Aspie traits...and it's the combination of different traits together that give you the actual diagnosis. I can look back through his family and my own and pinpoint all the people who are definitely on the spectrum and who possibly could be. It's really rather fascinating to me.

So, I guess I think that many of us are on the spectrum somewhere, but I see no real reason to try to get a diagnosis for myself or my husband because I think we have learned to live with it and deal with the things that affect us.

OMG I can definitely relate to your post.

I came here because I was stressed out over my son, and clueless as to how to help him. As I read the posts and particularly "you might be Aspie if.." - which is supposed to be funny but was too real for me, I started to wonder about myself.
I had given my mother a six page printout of a checklist I'd found a few days earlier. To discuss how well it described my son. SHE was the one to say -" I see a LOT of you in this. Almost all of it could apply to you too".

Now I'm like - holy crap!

So I'll send you this link to a radio show I found (probably through this site). It describes some Asperger's traits that tend to be found in women/girls specifically. I found it to be right on the mark.

The feelings I have are pretty mixed. A good deal of confusion and self doubt, a whole lot of "Ah-HA!", guilt, anger, and a fair amount of "DOH!"

Link: Dr. Tony Attwood Discusses Unique Qualities of Females on the Autism Spectrum