Stranger offered my son a ride

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My AS son walked to school today and this afternoon asked me if it was okay to take a ride with someone if he "looked responsible". After I stopped gasping, I asked if he had taken the ride. He said no and I said I thought a responsible person would know better than to offer a child he didn't know a ride. We went over the drill again and I reminded him that someone could try to trick him by telling him I sent him to get him. It's so scary to think about. In my state of VA a young college girl's skeletonized remains were found on a farm after going missing after a Metallica concert months ago. It looks like she may have taken an offered ride. I can only imagine the pain her parents have gone through. Do you worry that your AS child is too trusting? I feel like I just dodged a bullet. The guy may have been fine, but doesn't it seem like any idiot would know not to put a child in that position? My son usually rides the bus but missed it today and I was already at work.

I never accept rides from strangers.

That's terrifying. These days I would think anyone who so much as spoke to a child they didn't know would just naturally expect to be immediately arrested or set upon by bystanders and beaten senseless. For a stranger in a vehicle to offer a child a ride has not been considered okay or anything short of nefarious and perverse for at least 40 years.

Kids should not only not accept rides from strangers, if a stranger offers a ride, they should immediately run away screaming for help.

My Father used to tell me it was a stupid rule, and that if I needed a ride I should take it. I think he was a bit off there.
He also believed in offering strangers rides, even if it would make him late to pick me up from school.

Last edited by Elementary_Physics on 08 Feb 2010, 5:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That's what I'm thinking. I asked what kind of car and he said some kind of SUV. It's a long story, but once when he was much younger I thought he had been snatched and I have never felt more horrible in my life. He was fine, but I was shaking for hours afterwards.

Your instincts sound good. Even if the person wasn’t dangerous, it sure sounded like he lacked social skills by this inappropriate behavior and putting your son in this position. And either case, the person is not a dependable person, and you sure don’t need to determine which way. “No Thank You,” said in any tone of voice, with or without anger. And walk away. In addition, these skills:

Turn and walk the other way. If the car is creeping along with you as the driver tries to convince you whatever, say “I need to go” or whatever or nothing at all, and simply turn and walk the other way. As a person on foot, you can turn much quicker than a car.

And you might need to directly spell it out for your son. It’s more important being safe than being on time to school. (Or conversely, he can give himself a little flex in his schedule so he can take the time to be safe, as well as simply enjoying the travel without worrying, etc. Although for me, I didn’t like the bus because the bus was kind of a place of bullying.)

Run to a crowd.

If need be, run to other people.

(PS I am not a parent, but I am an uncle of two girls, ages six and eight.)


One more thing, martial arts are a good idea. Even against an adult, a well-placed kick to the knee might give the child that crucial half-second to run away. Martial arts are also a great confidence building. (With school yard fights and bullies and all that, the goal is tight, defensive boxing to a draw.) It’s good to know both skills, both the serious ju jitsu and boxing.

Willard is right. Anyone adult that offers a ride to an unknown child is just an idiot.

Try not to carry this alone. From your son’s description, maybe talk to one or two parents or teachers from the school. They might be able to also watch for this idiot.

Once your son is away, he can tell another kid his age and they can jointly decide to yell for help. The one area where I might disagree with Willard is that the child "should" immediately run away screaming for help. Too high a standard and thus might not get done. Better for the skills to be more integrated into the child's normal skills.

We are very lucky where we live at the moment. A stranger in a red car offered some children a ride and they did not know the guy, so they stopped and told an adult that they knew what happened. Within thirty minutes every school in town had called the parents to warn them that a "strange man" was offering children rides home.

Ordinarily I think people take stranger danger a little bit too far, but all of the kids here live at most a mile and a half from their school so most of them walk and would not need a ride. Anyone that lives here would know that and just slow down so as not to run anyone over, but not stop. I probably wave at the same little ones walking home or to school at least twice a week when I'm out running errands.

Yes we just went over this the other day with my almost 8 yo as/nvld son we rarely let him walk the 2 blocks home from the bus. I know when I was a child it was nothing short of a miracle i didn't get snatched as I roamed far and wide at his age.

Yikes!! How scary for you. Keep talking to your son. To this day I'm way too naive, especially at first before I have time to think something through. But we learn basics like never taking a ride with someone we don't know. Geez!! How scary.

Good Point! I often had to use this technique as an adult, walking home from work at 2:00 am. Some weird person always tried to inveigle me into their car. I merely crossed the street or turned and backtracked so that they couldn't keep bugging me.

Another excellent point. If people are aware of this driver, he won't easily be able to carry out whatever his plan is. Also, might I suggest a secret password? I used this technique with my daughter, when she was school aged. If a person tried to say that I had sent them to pick her up, they had to know this word. I used a relative's name, for ours. Also, if a person in a car drives up to the curb and tries to engage in conversation with a lone child, (even something seemingly harmless, such as asking directions) the child should first of all, take a "giant" step backward, and then either walk away, or give directions if old enough.

My son can be too trusting but I think we've got this one drilled into him. He's 12.

Because of various warnings sent out this year specifically related to incidents connected to his middle school, he also is never allowed to walk alone. If he has to walk, he needs to find a friend. Or call me on his cell phone for a ride - that is why he has the thing, so he can get rides and avoid questions.

He is allowed to take rides from friends' parents that we know well.

One step at a time. Make sure they know all the in's and out's before each new level of independence is allowed.

It sounds as if, even in the face of some doubts, your son was able to 1) remember and follow your instructions and 2) question you before deviating from them. I would consider that cause for a sigh of relief. It is natural for kids to question rules they may consider "arbitrary" so the fact that he checked with you first in order to have the correct answer if it came up again means your instructions are sticking and he is comfortable enough to ask you about it if he has questions.

Aardvark's suggestions are all good things to consider, as well. Depends on where you kid is as far as independence.

That’s good advice for a teenager, too. And even an adult.

Take a big step backwards. It also communicates to the driver, hey, this is stranger-to-stranger, I don’t know you, you don’t know me. And if the driver is reasonable, he or she will accept this and be cool with it.

That's scary. Luckily I was really well-aware of the dangers as a child. When I was five I watched a man try to kidnap my brother and it traumatized me. Same guy tried to kidnap two other kids in my brother's grade later and eventually got arrested, and they showed us videos on how it was dangerous to talk to stranger and so on. It was drilled into me pretty well, plus I was scarred for life anyway...

It is not a miracle that we were not kidnapped as children. Child abduction is actually very rare. About 1 in every 1.5 MILLION children, compared to being struck by lightening (1 in 350,000). I often joke that if someone tried to abduct my oldest boy that they'd probably call me and beg me to come get him within twenty minutes.

I've thought about talking to the school. It never hurts to remind kids of the dangers. I wonder if my son refused the ride just because he is shy and didn't want to have to make conversation. We hadn't talked about a secret word for a while but I remembered when he was much younger, his choice for the secret word was "poopy" . I did remind him when he said the man looked responsible that the BTK guy was a Sunday School teacher. I have told him if someone tried to grab him to fight and scream like hell. He ordinarily rides the bus but this morning he missed it and I was already at work.