Trouble Communication with Son

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The videos that he posts are run-throughs of the games that he creates. Frankly, I do not understand AT ALL what I am seeing. I agree, I need to work on that.

Of note, DS has (fairly recently) set his Youtube account so that he does not receive comments on his work. I believe this has developed as a result of some "less than flattering" comments from users. I feel though, that it is a further symptom of his gradual withdrawal from interacting with the outside world.

I am afraid that if I don't find a way to turn this around . . . . . well . . . . . . . I really don't know where it is headed.

No results on my efforts, DS still refuses to access his Email, or even to view the video I sent to him on his Youtube account. If I press him, he shuts down. If Mom presses him, he offers some excuse, then if pressed further, he shuts down for her as well. If big sister presses him, he punches her.

I have learned (pretty quickly) not to press, and am trying to be a bit more devious.

Still attempting to make those inroads.

Well, over a year now and no real headway. Today is DS's 16th birthday.

We went camping yesterday and tried to get him on the water slide. He got to the top of the stairs, realized that he had left his shoes on and went into meltdown. He was overcome by the plethora of kids at the top, and the mistake with the shoes was too much.

Couldn't get him calmed down, couldn't get him to try again.

Breaks my heart that he is missing out on so much . . . . . . . . . he really wanted to do this.

Doesn't do well with crowds. I am thinking I will rent the waterslide for a private party and try it again.

Sign language works a bit . . . . . . I can get him to smile at me sometimes by waving or gesturing at him.

Hey, it's something. Maybe I can build on it . . . . . .

Hi Neanderthal -

I just wanted to say that your persistance and love touches my heart. It is clear that you really love your son.

Try leaving him sticky notes somewhere that he will see them. Just tell him how much he matters.

Good job dad! No matter how he reacts, all of your efforts are still in there somewhere, and he knows you keep trying.

My NTs 16th birthday is the 20th, he didn't want to do anything for his birthday (and he's NT - he thinks hes an aspie though, but I dont).

KM, thank you for your kind words.
Sticky notes . . . . hmmmmmmm

I know, old post. Over a year since I last posted, but today I have a glimmer of hope.
Last online game that I tried, was Runescape. DS did not seem at all interested in my efforts, I found the game to be obscure and difficult, and I gave up after several attempts. (Of note, DS is some sort of god on that game, he has all sorts of hats, many millions of somethingthatpassesformoney, etc"
Tonight I took another swing at a video game, this time it is Team Fortress.
DS perked up a bit when I announced my intentions and sort of watched as I went through the download. As I was fumbling my way through the download, one of the screens froze up. I tried this and that, to no avail. DS is peeking at the screen and pipes up .
Clear as day.
"Right click on the task bar."
In utter amazement I do so.
"Select task manager"
This can't be happening!
"Scroll down to (task something or other)"
I do so again.
"Now stop the program running"
Again, I follow his very clear instructions, and am back on track with the download. Did I mention that the boy is a genius? I didn't know I COULD right click on the taskbar!
Afterwards, I try to thank him for his help. No response, no further exchange. I didn't press it.
I will tell you that these few words outnumber all of the words spoken to me in three years. Tomorrow night I will try to actually play the game, and we will see if there is some magic afoot.
Right now though, I will rejoice.

Rejoice! Rejoice! Happy dance!

Neanderthal, thank you for following up with your story. It shows how love and perseverence really do pay off. I know there is a long way to go; hang in there.

I suggest that you print out your first & last post and put it somewhere where you will see it often and remember; bathroom mirror or sock drawer or something.

This thread has brought hope for me and probably many others.

Has it really been nearly two years since the last post?
Really though, there has been no real headway since my last post. I thought I could build on the computer/video game chemistry, but he seemed to "catch on" that I was trying to build communication with him and he shut that down. I can't get any conversation going, he will not play games with me. Perhaps because I really suck at the games, and he is some sort of video game savant, as has been mentioned previously.
We have a tiny bit of communication, when we go to Sonic. Yep, still going to Sonic, yep still severely underweight. We have done a bit better, we can get to Morrison's, Burger King and a local burger joint from time to time. 90% Sonic, now we are on Chicken Nuggets. But I digress . . . . when we go to Sonic I will ask him a simple math question. And then I won't let him back in the house until I get an answer. Usually he grins and gives me the right answer. Pretty cool, and I am trying to build on it. And I do let him in the house, he seems to enjoy the game, knows that I am not really going to lock him out.
We got DS into therapy for six months and the therapist (lovely person that really cared) made zero headway. Could get zero rapport. Zip. Nada. The therapy was causing excess anxiety at home, the anxiety was getting worse to the point that we were getting concerned so we pulled him out. Rats. Six months and we seemed to be going the wrong way. When we pulled him out his attitude and outlook instantly improved.
We did get a diagnosis of AS and Selective Mutism. Interesting, I was unaware of SM and had to "go to school". Seems SM is treatable, but neither the therapist nor we are able to break into his "world" to try to help him with the mutism. But it did explain a lot.
We have him signed up for SSI, that was an experience. Had to go see doctors. First one had no clue. Total waste of time and nearly sent DS into epic meltdown, but we survived it. Stupid doctor couldn't recommend properly to the Agency so we had to go 60 miles to another. Thankfully the second doc was very well versed. He knew in two seconds what we were dealing with. Attempted to shake hands with DS. Not a chance. I had to ask the doc to speak quietly as he was a bit loud and he (again) knew exactly why I asked him to soften his tone. Asked DS to walk across the room and instantly recognized "The Walk". So drawn into himself and awkward. I literally was in tears as the doc knew exactly what questions to ask and made it so exquisitely clear that we are so totally screwed. Crap.
Anyway, after that report hit the Agency, they called me a few days ago and we are supposedly set up. This is good, as I suppose I will not live forever, will not be able to support him forever. Thankfully, I have a very good job and we are very capable of supporting DS.
Ah, I suppose I am writing a book.
Just wanted to throw an update out there. Still fighting the fight.
In the meantime, DS is doing just fine. As long as we keep him in his world he seemingly thrives.
He asked me (hurray!) for a MIDI controller and dabbles into music now. No musical savant though. He has a Strat guitar and just recently asked (hurray again!) for a metal pedal so he can do metal rock. Again, no savant with the guitar, but dang it is nice that he is broadening his interests.
Maybe I will feel compelled to do another update before two years next time. It feels good I suppose to put these feelings and events into print.
Thanks for the ears.

Maybe he will let you communicate with him about his music. The gap between you,might not be as much. You could research his preferred musical genres. and find out his favorite songs and maybe suggest others he might like.

http://www.bnrmetal.com/v3/home/main should help you out if he likes metal.

Your son communicated with you more when he was younger, but almost none at all in past several years?
This seems like some issue beyond autism, since he is capable of communicating verbally.
As for him staying in his own world, I don't think that you should let him do it as much as he wants to.
That may be comfortable for him, but it could limit him too.

Thank you guys for the replies.

ASDMom,
DS's taste in music is not metal at all. Indeed, he hates heavy metal music, hates Rap to the point of a phobia. If you are familiar with Radiohead, that is what he likes. Dark, melodious, almost transendential stuff. Some of Pink Floyd's stuff. The metal pedal is to change the tone of the guitar so he can better emulate that tone. And perhaps "Metal Pedal" is not the best descriptor. Sorry. It is a pedal that has a bunch of settings so he can change reverb and tone. I am ecstatic that he he is playing music!

Your point that we might communicate via the music is dead on. And I grasp at every such straw. But he will only let me in to a certain level. If I push too hard he shuts me out. Over the years I am getting better at knowing how hard to push.
He is so sensitive to sound that a few years ago he would play Guitar Hero with the sound turned off. Really! That was spooky and a good indicator of how the AS was "working on" him. Or perhaps "working in him" is a better way of looking at it. In that regard he has made good progress. I suppose. He still hates Rap and Heavy Metal.
I grew up in the late sixties, early seventies and my taste in music runs toward Zepplin and ZZ Top. He tolerates that stuff pretty well. Our tastes in music are not that far apart actually.

btbnnyr,
Yes, his was a classic case of how the 'Vaccination Theory" is so compelling in some cases. When he was five or so we brought a perfectly normal kid in for his vaccinations to go to school and bang! a switch was flipped. Been going the wrong way ever since.
I tell myself every day that we need to push him outside of his comfort zone . . . . and we do. But I am losing faith in that concept to a degree. It has never (pushing him) changed a dang thing!! At all. Any changes have come from within. Whether they be good, bad, or whatever. Also to that point, what is a "good" change? Do those terms really apply? Seems a bit arrogant to think in those terms . . . . . if he fits into the mainstream a bit better then that must be a good thing. Right? I am not so sure anymore.

I am at the point now of acceptance to a great degree. DS is 18 now and the die seems to be cast. We make sure that he has plenty of room to grow, to develop interests and we nurture that as well as we can. But as far as mainstreaming him, I don't believe that is ever going to happen. If it does it is damn sure going to be on his own terms.

He is such a beautiful creature . . . . creative, artistic, deeply intelligent, very sensitive. Physically he is quite striking. Six foot, two inches, broad shoulders. Dark hair, dark eyes, he has some Choctaw in him and it really shows in his features. Were he to be NT, the ladies would be thunderstruck.

Again thanks for the replies. This journey has really just begun, who knows where it will lead?

Thal

Is your son interested in Early Man?

I was, when I was his age.

Ah, I misspoke in the earlier post. DS doesn't like metal, he likes the sound of a metal (and all the other sounds that the Bearinger ST300 can generate) guitar to use in his spooky (I used the word transendential earlier) compositions. Not sure I am spelling that right . . .
Kraft, thank you for the suggestion. I googled them and I can see the genius in their work, I am dubious that DS will like the style. I will show him the link.
We were riding bicycles earlier today. He caught me videotaping his riding and that nearly ruined it. I had to let him watch me delete the vid before he calmed down enough to continue riding. He is so very protective of his privacy.
Pssst! I got it uploaded before I deleted it. Don't tell anybody!!
Riding the bicycles is freakin' awesome! Get him out a bit.
I have a Kayak for DD. She is 20 and NT. I am trying to get him in the kayak, he would be perfect for it. So far no chance.
Thal