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Im sure this is a commom question, and you covered it somewhat in your previous post. But.....what is the 'stubborness' all about? My son has just turned 5yrs, has some language difficulty too.

eg. In school if my son is asked to go to circle time (or whatever) he will just not co operate, but we all have learned now, to just leave him be, and in a matter of a minute or two he will come along. His teacher says "dont get in the ring with him ! !"

eg. I say to my son "okay, lets go to the park", he will not co operate with putting on shoes / coat etc. so I just treat that like I would my NT toddler, and I just say nothing more, ignore the little 'protest', and carry on organising to go out, and say good bye that I was going now, he would run after me straight away willing to put on his shoes etc with no fuss

I thought it might be to do with transitions, and now provide him with a visual timer before changing activities, but with him since he was a baby its always been........"My way, or the high way ! !"

Even given a minute to 'come around' seems to be enough most times, its like an oppositional thing, "Ill do it when Im ready, and not a minute before" But he is the most loving, kind, sweet little boy, has never had any major tantrum, is fun loving and passive, so whats this little 'stubborn streak' mean?

I just wanted to chime in and say that your insights have been really helpful, Tracker. I've found a lot of this helpful in understanding my 6 y.o. daughter as well.

So I have a question....

Why does my son pace for hours at home but his school tells me he does not pace at all there. Is it possible. He paces everywhere else, why not there?

what is the biggest help to decrease anxiety in school so he can work at his potential.

Ok, first off, I know I promised a follow up about how to get your son to agree to things like chores, homework, and so forth. And I really have been meaning to get around to it, but I am busy with other activities right now so I don't have the time to write a complete and individualized response. Instead, I have a similiar response already made for a somewhat similiar question which I think would apply in this situation.

Take a look in this thread: http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt105468.html
Primarily I am referring to my replies where I discuss things like setting priorities, and deciding what is an important task to do.

Also, have you tried sitting down and making a chore diagram of who has to do what and when? Get your family together, and write down a list of all the chores that need to be done. Then, go over the list and explain why each chore is on the list, and what benefit the chore serves. Then, divide it amongst the family members in a way that you can all agree on.

When you just tell your son: You've got to do the dishes to make up for the damage you caused, it seems a lot like revenge and can make your son defensive. When you sit down and work out a solution together while everybody is calm and relaxed, youll get much better results.


To FD: It sounds to me like your typical 5 year child trying to exert some independence. While I dont know the full story, based on what your describing it doesn't sound like anything out of the ordinary. Perhaps it would be a good idea to talk with him about the importance of cooperating, otherwise he may miss his opportunity to participate. I can't say it is a good idea to sabotage your child, but if your child missed out on his favorite show because he dawdled too much then he might be more inclined to hurry up a bit?

To mom-o-3boys: Pacing is a good way to organize your thoughts. It is very calming and helps you to think clearly, so it isn't surprising your son does it a lot. I do it a lot too when I am thinking. The reason he doesn't pace at school is because people treat you like your crazy if they see you pacing around, and he doesn't want the other children to think he is crazy.

To Hyacynth: That is a book in and of itself... Could you be more specific about the problem?

Tracker...I understand that it is calming...I actually like him doing it because that makes him him. If that makes sense. I like his uniqueness!! He is only 5 and does not attend elementary school yet...just preschool. I feel like his preschool does not allow him to do it even though I have told them not to stop him if he does. He paces EVERYWHERE else...in stores, at home, at other peoples home, at his brothers baseball games, etc...yet the preschool swears he does not pace there. I dont know if I should believe them. Why would he pace everywhere else and not there?

momof3boys - your son may have learned that he'll get a negative response from the kids. OR the room layout may not suit the pacing. My son is quite particular about where he'll pace - he needs to be able to walk in a straight line for a certain distance or it's no good.

Perhaps he doesn't have time to pace?

When you give him unstructured time (i.e. let him do whatever he wants), thats when you see him pacing back and forth. If he goes to a highly organized preschool with a set schedule then there may be no time to pace around by himself. For example, there is story time, then arts and crafts time, then nap time, then snack time, then more story time, then art time, etc. If there isn't any unorganized time for your child to just do whatever he wants, then he may just not be getting the opportunity.

Tracker - Thanks so much for your reply. My 5yrs son has been diagnosed with AS, but does have some language difficulty, so any big explainations / conversations he would not understand.

Are you suggesting from your reply that he may be at the developmental stage of a toddler trying to become independant etc.? That is something I have considered. But if you do "force" him when he is not "ready", you risk him switching off altogether, and running away, hiding under the table etc.

So we just have to give him the space to do whatever in his own good time ! !! ! Is this an AS thing in particular, or a stubborn personality trait?

Its written all over his psychology report for mainstream school, due to start in Sept. His current pre school teacher is afraid that the mainstream teacher will not allow this "extra" time to get anything done. Any suggestions? or just wait till he is "ready"??????

Thanks again, I have learned so much from your wonderful advice on WrongPlanet, you are a true inspiration to us all x

To FD: I don't know what causes it. As you said yourself, it could be a problem with transitioning. Have you tried giving him 1 to 2 minute warnings or something like that? For example, there are little 3 minute hour glass things that you could use. Perhaps you could give your son a little bit of a heads up saying that your leaving in 3 mins and flip the hour glass so he could see how much time he has.

Perhaps he just feels rushed and gets overly anxious if you trying to switch between things.

Perhaps he is just doing the standard toddler thing a bit late. It isn't unheard of for autistic people to go through phases like that a bit late. Based on the way you describe him, it certainly sounds like it to me.

Short of spending time with your son I don't know if I can give any definitive answer. I would say my best guess is that he is just being a bit of a stubborn toddler, and that your handling things just fine. Unless it becomes a major problem, dont worry too much about it.

Tracker - Thats great, thanks so much. You are right.....boy he hates being rushed!! We are donig the visual 'warings', it helps sometimes, but I think that stubborness will be there for life!! ! But thats okay, there are so many positive sides to his personality that I hope he will be just fine.

I am sooooo stubborn, maybe he is just like his Mummy xx

Tracker-I have 2 new questions for you.

1)Why does my son continue to love mouthing objects (including his hands) I thought we had gotten past this just after he turned 3 or so. Now he is almost 5 and it has started up again!! !

2) My son loves to sing and clap his hands and talk about things off subject when the teachers are trying to show him something new. Is he doing it as a stim or is he just trying to avoid what they are saying? Do you think he will be able to learn to control this at school? Right now he is still young, but I am getting concerned about this as he gets a bit older.

Thanks!

To angelbear:

1. It sounds like your son is just stimming. If you dislike him chewing on his hands, then perhaps you could give him something else to chew. Something like gum, or plastic straws, or the like. If this is a major concern, then you may want to get him to do other stims instead. Perhaps things like a mini trampoline that he could bounce on would be a better alternative for you?

2. He sounds like an excited 4 year old to me. I can't tell you whether it is him avoiding the teachers, or just him being highly energetic and trying to get everything out at once to the nearest person who will listen. Perhaps your child just loves to clap, sing, and talk about random things. And when a teacher comes over to show him something he sees the perfect opportunity to show off his clapping/singing skills, and tell his stories to somebody. In either situation, you may want to try things to calm him down before teaching time. I don't know what calms him down, but generally getting plenty of exercise tends to help. Perhaps getting a nap in first would help too?

It may also help to give him a simple explanation about things like listening time, and talking time. For example, he has 5 minutes to talk to you or whoever about whatever he wants. And then it is time for him to listen to you show him something new. Part of the problem could simply be that he doesn't know he is supposed to be listening to the teacher, and thinks that it is just open conversation for any and all topics.

Thanks Tracker---I have been trying to get him to do more physical activity, but he has low muscle tone, so sometimes he acts like he is really tired when he gets home. Overall, he is not really hyper, he just has a hard time focusing on what the teachers (or me) is showing him. So, I am not sure what to do to calm him down. I sometimes wonder if it is some form of vocal tic that he has. However, he seems to have control over it. He will stop for a minute if you ask him too. He is not really that loud at home, but if my husband and I are having a discussion, it is like he doesn't want us to talk, so he will start his routine of the clapping and singing and verbal outbursts. I have also wondered if he has sound sensitivies, and this is his way of blocking it out.

For the mouthing, I have tried the gum, and he did okay with it, but the last time, he pulled it out and was playing with it, and I found it allover the floor. He does like straws. I also give him lots of lollipops. It just recently flared up again, so I am hoping it will maybe start to fade again.

Thanks so much for your input!

O, your right. I hadn't considered it being a problem with the voices being too loud. Does he seem to have very sensitive hearing, and if so have you tried ear muffs?

I haven't been able figure him out with regard to sound. If anything, I thought he was underreactive to sound. We had him on the beach for 4th of July for a couple of hours with fireworks and it didn't bother him. One time at home, the smoke alarm went off, and he said "I want to hear it again" For awhile, he could not stand to hear a baby cry, but he seems to have gotten over that. Lately though, he has been sticking his fingers in his ears to plug them, but it is mainly when he doesn't want to listen to what I am saying. LOL! He did seem a bit scared the other day at the park when we used a new bathroom. He did not like the fans that were in there. His teachers say that he gets distracted by others in the classroom. So in answer to your question, I am not sure how sensitive his ears are. He has never seemed to mind being in a crowd.