Who needs to know?

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My 6-year-old daughter just got diagnosed with AS a few weeks ago, although we suspected she had AS for quite some time. One thing that's been on my mind is, who needs to be informed? She's homeschooled, so we don't need to notify the school. She is doing work well above her grade level, so there is absolutely no reason for the school to know her diagnoses. We did tell the grandparents on both sides, and also the mothers of the some friends she plays with most. I've heard some parents of older kids say you should be careful who you tell, because the child may resent them knowing. I have not told my daughter because I think she's too young right now to understand. There could be other people on my husband's side of the family who know via my in-laws; his joke is if you tell his parents something, everyone else in the extended family knows. In fact, there is a chance her cousins who are 5 and 7 years old know about her diagnoses. I'm not sure what I would do if that were the case. Since she doesn't know herself, it would be weird if her cousins said something to her about it. Anyone else ever run into this?

The other thing that bothers me is people's reactions. I'm just using this opportunity to vent anonymously, so I'm just going to get this out. Most people who have known my daughter for a long time seemed to know that there was something different going on and we had some trouble with things her peers didn't. But what most people don't seem to notice is that she's very bright. When she had her evaluation, I was floored at how high her cognitive abilities are. Honestly, I've always tried to hide it, or minimize it around other people, because I didn't want to seem like I was bragging about my kid. She taught herself to read at age 3, but almost no one knows that. In fact, I think my daughter has no idea that many kids her age are just beginning to learn how to read. Now I'm starting to tell her because I think she will need the confidence boost and I can give her the hard facts like "you're reading at a 3rd grade level" "you're spelling at a 4th grade level", etc.

I don't want this to be a competition with me and other parents, but if I have to explain why she's behind in some ways, it seems like I should be able to point out how she's ahead in others without it coming off that I'm bragging or dissing their kids. Especially since her struggles are so much more obvious now than her exceptional abilities.

I'd say start with "nobody", and then ask, Who DOES need to know?
Probably only anyone else responsible for her,
and whatever special needs or particular situations need to be managed,
and anyone else who otherwise would accidentally affect or be affected
in a negative way with her in some situations.

I don't see autism spectrum as something to brag about but more
vulnerable to bullies, so if it isn't obvious like lispy-gayness, why
should it come out of the closet early? Well, its better that she's
not in public school, where the label is a target for oppressive treatment.

I would tell her now before she's old enough to understand. That was it becomes more normal to her.

I think you've covered the list of who should know pretty well already. In my mind, basically, those who take responsibility for my child for long periods of time, and the parents of his closest friends in case it helps them resolve conflicts that occur between the boys.

My son was diagnosed at age 7 and was told at that time. I don't think your daughter is too young. Telling her now in very simple terms seems appropriate to me ("You're brain works a little differently and that is why you are very good at some things, but struggle with others, when compared to other kids your age"), and it will prevent any issues from arising with cousins who may be aware of the diagnosis.

As for bragging, I wouldn't worry about it. Just do it It's funny, because my son's gifts are the first thing everyone sees, so I find myself telling them about his weaknesses just to make their overall expectations of him more realistic. We talk about the whole bundle of brilliance and almost utter deficit in some areas as this crazy, wonderful mix that makes him so uniquely who he is. In that context, you certainly can give a more accurate picture of your amazing child by letting people in on a few of her hidden gifts. Every child has gifts and burdens, and the sum of it doesn't weigh any higher for one than the other, even when some kids seem to "have it all." There is always something no one sees. All my brags start from that base point.

Thanks for the good advice, everyone. She does very obvious stimming right now (arm waving, bouncing, vocalizations) so it is pretty obvious that she has something going on when she does it. I notice she stims more when she's comfortable, so her good friends and parents are likely to see it. Also, a lot of things bother her that don't bother other kids her age. So, since it's obvious that something's going on, I'd rather tell people that matter than have them guess.

More than anyone else, your daughter needs to know. Because when she is on play dates with those friends and she knows there is something wrong and she doesn't know what or why she is different from other people, she is going to be sad. She is going to blame herself. She is going to go through what a lot of us did until we found out what was causing it. Why worry about telling other people when she doesn't know herself?

If she finds out a few years from now you knew this all along, she will resent you. It will be the reason she didn't have friends and couldn't get along with people or enjoy things the same why her peers did. It will be why she is the only one who screams in pain when something falls and everyone laughs at her. She won't understand why it's happening or what it is but she will know there is something "wrong." And if she knows about what it is you can help her work on problem areas. This isn't some horrible thing to be kept secret. I would recommend you tell her BEFORE someone realizes she's different and calls her out on it.

I told my son at around age 7. He cried out of relief and was overjoyed to learn he wasn't the only one. He knew he was different and having a diagnosis made him realize there are millions of people out there on the spectrum. The first question out of his mouth when I told him the diagnosis was, "There are other people like me?".

I used to not tell anyone about it.....but, I've learned they find out anyway, so I just throw it out there when it's useful. We recently went to Urgent Care and my son was obsessing over needles and talking about lycans. He's 11 now. They were looking at him like he was strange. I said, "He also has Aspergers" and then all the weird looks on the their faces disappeared. My son also doesn't care who knows. It's not a secret.

I just wanted to say thanks again everyone for the good advice. I told my daughter about her diagnoses, as best as I could, while I was brushing her hair this morning. She doesn't always tell me how she feels, so I don't really know how much she understood or how she felt about it. I think we (my husband and I) will probably need to have another conversation with her again another time when we have her full attention.